December 11th, 2013:
We were backstage at our first fan sign of our three-day trip around the country. When the group had gotten back to Korea on the 8th, we had gone straight from the airport to Yoongi's hospital. He had just finished his surgery and was doing well. He was understandably tired, but otherwise not too beaten up considering what he had gone through. Seeing him in one piece, smiling, lifted stress from my shoulders I didn't even realise I was holding and let me relax some more.
I had also been checked out at the hospital and my kicking of the machine had made it that my toe had a slight fracture. I could still perform, but it would be painful. I sat whenever possible and when I walked, I would waddle, trying not to put pressure on my foot since there was nothing that doctors could do other than tell me to take painkillers.
Yoongi was with us for this fan sign tour, but he wasn't doing any dancing and the group, as well as staff, were being extra careful with him. It drove him insane, he hated being treated like a baby, so, as the annoying maknae I was, I did it to the extreme.
Sejin had just offered him water which he had turned down and I took this opportunity to continue to baby him.
"Are you sure oppa? Water is necessary for you to get better. Staying hydrated is important," I coo.
"Will you stop it. Water is necessary for everyone, and I've already had like 2 full bottles today," he retorts glaring at me.
I had been at this all morning, and he was fed up with me now.
"Ok, ok," I laugh, "I'll stop... but are you sure you don't need anything. A cushion? Advil? A lovely protein bar?" I ask smirking.
"Stop it!" he shouts, laughing slightly himself, however.
I laugh and carefully pat his shoulder getting up to throw away the wrapper of the bar I had just offered him.
Jimin had been staring at our interaction and followed me with his eyes as I waddled to the trash can. We hadn't really talked about our shouting match in the elevator and the tension between us was palpable. We were civil with each other during practice and when we ate, but neither of us wanted to be the first to apologise. We had both been in the wrong and I even acknowledged to myself that I was probably more in the wrong than he was, but I didn't want to admit that. The group had been confused at Jimin and I's coldness, especially since we usually got along really well, but Namjoon had told them we argued and to let us figure it out. I don't think he expected us to be this petty for so long and was probably regretting his decision to wait for us to take the first steps in being bigger people.
I get that Jimin was looking out for me, but there's only so much prying a girl can take and I was still a little upset at what I thought was a valid argument about the fact that the boys rarely shared their struggles, but always pushed me to speak. I couldn't be the only that benefitted from talking. I secretly thought that they thought I was weaker, more fragile than they were and that they had to always check I wasn't too cracked. Like one of the boys could also be just as cracked, just because my emotions were more easily noticeable didn't mean I suffered more than the rest.
The room had gone silent after I had stopped annoying Yoongi and Jungkook had decided to stand up and dance around gesturing as if he was cutting the air with a sword. After seeing what Jungkook was doing, Taehyung had joined in.
"Could you guys stop," Jimin says getting annoyed.
"Not until you guys resolve whatever battle of pettiness you're having," Jungkook says smiling, enjoying how annoyed Jimin and I were getting.
"And plus, the sooner you talk about whatever is going on, the sooner you'll feel better Y/N," Taehyung added.
"You're not exactly one to talk," I huff, "you guys ignore whatever you don't want to hear and pretend no one said anything... if that's not pettiness I don't know what it is".
"Hey! No need to come after us now! Isn't one target enough," Jungkook says stopping to cut air, "we're only trying to help".
"Are you serious right now? Is that it? Do you all think I'm the bad guy here? Ok, I get it, fine. Well, I'll let you guys figure out your next counter-attack against the big bad me to get me to open up," I say getting up and waddling my way to the door, minimizing the impact I wanted to have. Before I get to the door I turn back and say, "you know I'm not some game where if you keep pushing and prodding you to get more treasure. You can't expect me to just give in because it helps me. I know you're right; I know talking helps me, but I also need to figure stuff out by myself without your constant prodding. I'm not as broken as you guys seem to think," I say angrily and swing the door open and leave.
-Male Member POV-
Everyone was stunned at my outburst. Taehyung stood there, mouth agape. Jungkook and Jimin's eyes had gone wide. Yoongi was plain confused. Seokjin had stopped chewing his food. Namjoon and Hoseok were the only ones that didn't look too phased, though Namjoon did look upset that I had stormed out.
"I told you guys to stop pushing her," Hoseok says feeling vindicated, smiling slightly, "girls need space and do not like constantly being told what is good for them and what they should do to solve their problems".
"Ok, we get it. You were right," Jimin says, "congratulations on having a sister".
"I'm just saying... this was so predictable," Hoseok says shrugging, taking another bite of his sandwich.
"Why couldn't you apologise first Jimin," Namjoon sighs, getting up.
"Because I was right! She should have to apologise first," he says raising his hands in the air as if stunned Namjoon would ask him something like that.
"Now I have to go fix this mess," he sighs leaving the room to go find me.
"What the hell happened?" Sejin says as soon as he sees Namjoon leave the room.
"Honestly, I don't even know. She just liked... freaked out," he answers, "where did she go?"
"Yoona is with her in the bathroom," Sejin replies, "she wasn't even crying. Just mad, cursing all the way," he says chuckling slightly.
"You know teenagers suck, but girl teenagers are a whole other puzzle I just don't understand," Namjoon admits.
"Tell me about it. And you're barely an adult yourself. Imagine me having to deal with all 8 of you," Sejin adds.
"But she isn't even your stereotypical girl..." Namjoon continues, still thinking of my sudden outburst, "like she's super mature and thoughtful, which makes it even harder to understand her. And add all the struggles of being an idol and I feel like I've been given a 1-million-piece puzzle with Swedish instructions," Namjoon says thinking, looking in the direction of the girl's bathroom.
Sejin laughs, "well put".
-Y/N POV-
I had stomped my way to the bathroom cursing about them being right and what I had just done. I had passed all the managers sitting outside enjoying their lunch. They had all looked up confused before Yoona ran to follow me into the girl's bathroom to figure out what had happened.
"Y/N! What happened? Why are you so mad?" Yoona asks chasing me to the bathroom.
"I'm so pissed!" I shout. The bathroom was empty as this area had been roped off for our use only.
"Ok... and why are you pissed," Yoona asks gently.
"Because they're right. But I sometimes just need space to breathe. Like I get that they're right but they don't always have to know everything that's going on in my mind 24/7! Like I never see them asking each other if they're ok or getting mad at each other for not opening up. Is it because I'm a girl that they think I'm more fragile and need constant checking-in on? Is it really because I'm the girl that they keep making me open up and talk about my feelings? I honestly can't be the only one the benefits from opening up. Jimin seems to always feel better when he opens up and I know Jungkook appreciates talking because every two months I'll find him crying alone and he'll just tell me everything. But I'm not constantly pestering them to give me a play-by-play of their thoughts because it's good for them!" I shout, slapping the wall as I finished.
"Right..." Yoona says slowly, "let's first step away from the wall," she says pushing me to the center of the bathroom.
"Like am I really just being crazy right now? Am I being your stereotypical, sensitive girl?" I let out before Yoona could speak again.
"No, no you're not," she speaks before I could keep shouting, "I think all your points are valid. They are treating you differently and I think the double standard is infuriating, and it's even more upsetting when you realize that they are just doing this to help because they care".
"Ok! So, I'm not crazy! I'm right! God, this has been so annoying," I interrupt, still upset.
"This isn't about being right Y/N. Looking at it from each other your perspectives, you're both right. He's right because talking does help you, and your outburst was technically uncalled for since he was only trying to help. But you're also right because there is a double standard, the boys aren't asking each other because men don't talk about their emotions. And I get it must be annoying to constantly be aware of the fact that people know you aren't doing well and it probably makes it harder to get confident and actually feel good about yourself because you're constantly reminded that you aren't ok by people asking the typical "are you ok". And since they care about you and know you aren't ok, they want a real substantive answer even if you know you need time to process things and figure it out on your own. But in their mind, they think they know what you need and get upset in return because they feel like you're pushing them away and, in a way, not trusting the relationship. Believe me, I get it." Yoona says breaking it down almost in one breath.
I just stood there. She had just described my situation in a nutshell. I was impressed.
"Wow... that's... that's exactly it," I say shocked.
Yoona laughs, "working in a male industry and being constantly surrounded by men you realise their need for control and how truly fragile men actually are. If they aren't in control or are pushed away, it's as if they question their entire existence. The boys are just as broken as you are, but society says they can't be, so they are probably using you as an excuse to talk and figure out their feelings. Every time you push them away, it is another door closing on a possibility to talk about their own struggles".
I think about what she was saying.
"That's so deep... you sure you don't want to be a philosopher," I chuckle.
"Hahaha, I studied sociology in university," she explains.
"That makes a lot of sense," I reply, nodding my head.
"But don't take that as a reason that you should always let them in. You do need your space and they should respect that, especially if it's driving you this crazy. I'll speak to Sejin and press him to speak to the boys about it," she adds, "however, you both should apologise to each other, you and Jimin".
I let out a deep sigh, "yeah I know... ok, here it goes," I say leaving the bathroom.
"Urgh! Why is being a girl so hard," I yell, running my hands through my hair as I get closer to the changing room.
"Urgh, why is understanding girls so hard!" Namjoon yells back.
"Society oppa, society. Apparently, if you understand society, you'll finally get girls," I say patting his chest as I walk back into our changing room, "because Expensive Girl was definitely written by a guy that did not understand the intricacies of girls," I shout so he could hear me from the room.
"Will you let that go! You're not even old enough to have listened to that song," he huffs, himself turning to go back into the room.
~2119 words~