October 17th, 2013:
We had four fan meetings in 2 days organised around the country. We were doing one in Daejeon in the early morning and then Daegu in the afternoon. Tomorrow we were going to Ulsan and Busan. We would then go back to Seoul for a Birthday Party gathering.
We had finished our first day of fan meetings and it had gone amazingly as usual. Meeting with fans always reminded me why I do this, to make people happy. It also reminded me who I do it for. I really needed to stop spending so much time thinking about why people hated me and more time appreciating those that love me. I knew I had fewer major fans than any of the boys, even Hoseok that for some reason barely got any fan letters for some reason (I got none...), but at fan meetings, all the fans that came up were always very enthusiastic and positive. I may not be ARMY's favourite, but none of them hated me outwardly either.
I was in my hotel room with Yoona. The boys all shared rooms, 4 of them to one room and 3 of them in another, but of course, I couldn't share with them. I was stuck with Yoona. It's not that I don't like her, I do, but she is slightly older than me and is all about responsibility and organisation... which for a 15-year-old that is constantly surrounded by rules and regulations is no fun. The boys always talk about the fun they have together in their rooms, but I'm stuck with Yoona talking about the next week's schedules and the news of the week. I was now up to date on the partial government shutdown in the United States, the cyclone that had hit India earlier in the week that sadly killed 18 people, and that Gravity beat Captain Phillips at the box office, earning $44.3 million. The last one Yoona thought was such a sham because she loved Tom Hanks' performances in Captain Phillips apparently.
"I'll admit I haven't seen Gravity, but Captain Phillips was so well made, and the story..." Yoona says gushing.
"Can I go to the boys' room?" I interrupt, getting bored of listening to her speak of a movie I didn't even realise had come out after just having sat through her explaining American politics. Honestly, I don't understand why Yoona had this job, her intelligence and interests were just incredible.
"Why? It's 10:30? You should be sleeping anyway, long day tomorrow," she questions.
"But unnie! It's only 10:30! I'm usually in bed at like 2am at the earliest! The boys are probably having fun in their rooms right now and I'm... well..." I stop, trying not to upset the person that had the power to let me leave.
"You're what? Stuck with me? Am I really that bad?" she asks chuckling.
"No! No, not at all. It's just... it sucks I can't be there to have fun with the boys and I don't... I don't know, I don't get to have the same experience they're getting," I pout sitting on the bed.
"I get it Y/N, I really do, but it is late and Sejin-oppa would kill me if I let you leave. We, and you, are on a short rope right now. We need everything to stay perfect," she answers sadly.
"But no one will know! It's not like there are photographers or fans out there," I argue.
"There might be. Use tonight to catch up on some sleep ok. Or I can fill you in on the Syrian conflict? 7 red cross workers were kidnapped this week," she adds, expecting me to huff and complain more, "and you also have to finish writing your letter to ARMY".
I do huff, especially thinking of the letter to ARMY. There was so much I wanted to say, but I didn't know how to write it out.
"... Fine... but you owe me for behaving. And I'll listen to a Syrian conflict breakdown while I finish writing the letter. I like listening to you explaining things to me... if I don't have the option to visit the boys... It makes me realise how little I actually know about the world and how much I need to learn," I answer standing up to go brush my teeth before Yoona could comment about my side note.
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October 18th, 2013:
We were in Busan for the final fan meeting. I also managed to finish my letter to ARMY with Yoona's help last night. I was sitting towards the end of the table, next to Namjoon (who was at the end) and Jimin. It was nearing the end of the meet and things had gone well as usual. I had even gotten more small gifts than usual.
There was a lull in fans coming in front of me, so I looked around for something to do. I spotted a stuffed teddy bear next to me that obviously hadn't been taken by one of the managers yet and started to play with it with Namjoon. I made it walk up to him and wave in a cute manner. I then made him crawl up his arm and hang out on his shoulder. Namjoon was playing along and acting cute as well. The fans as far as I could tell were loving it until someone yelled.
"Stop! Stop annoying him! Leave him alone," a fan yelled from the small crowd.
Since I had been focused on the teddy bear, I hadn't seen who shouted, but I immediately put down the teddy bear and went back to my sharpie. I just felt awkward now. What else was I supposed to do? It's not like I could interact with Namjoon in a different manner and he had also obviously gotten the hint and was leaving me alone. He asked for one of the mics, which I handed him, making sure to have no physical contact in the exchange, I didn't even look at him. Instead, he started to ask if the fans had eaten instead. I just sat there awkwardly, if not slightly annoyed.
A fan finally came sliding down and I put my smile back on and greeted her warmly.
30 minutes later, the meeting ended and we all bowed and left for the space made for us in the mall. I walked with the boys quietly, still thinking of the girl who yelled.
"Well, that was another success," says Taehyung smiling.
"Totally. An ARMY gave me like 10 boxes of Pepero, I hope I get to eat at least one box," says Jungkook excitedly.
I only smile slightly at their excitement.
"You guys need to quickly change so we can make it for the train back to Seoul on time," instructs Sejin. We all nod and rush to the clothing that the staff were handing us. I took my clothes and went to the bathroom with Yoona.
"I saw what happened... it's messed up I know," Yoona whispers on our way.
"It's more than messed up... it's f*cking annoying," I whisper shout angrily, "how old are they? 3? Like seriously, do they expect me to not interact with them at all? What do they think happens when we're not in public? That I train, practice, record, relax completely alone and we only come together for public appearances? Like what the hell, grow up".
Yoona looked surprised at my outburst. I was usually a dramatic person, but normally, when stuff like this happened, I got really sad and quiet or slightly annoyed, I never got this mad, especially to the point of swearing. But I was over it. Weeks of constantly overthinking before speaking, being stalked by Beomsoo, reprimanded for the smallest thing, and the usual lack of sleep and food. And to top it all off, I still felt it unfair no one said anything when the boys interacted with me or made small social mistakes as I did, it was only me getting yelled at.
"I get you're angry right now, but you should keep it in. At least till we're in private," Yoona says strictly, "people can still see us".
"Let them f*cking watch then. I am done trying to be the perfect little girl everyone wants me to be. If there is so much to fix, they should have gone with someone else damnit," I say. I let my anger explode and was no longer whispering.
"Y/N, stop shouting. You'll change, then we can talk about it in the car," Yoona instructs, almost as angrily as me, as we reach the bathrooms.
"But we're not going to are we? We'll, or more like you and the other managers, will just talk, or yell, at me for yet another mistake I've made and how I need to shut up and make not a single minute mistake like its the easiest thing in the world," I whisper back upset, "I know how this cycle f*cking works," I add throwing daggers at her with my eyes.
I should have felt bad, Yoona did so much for me including sticking her neck out to try to get managers to see my perspective, but I was so upset my anger was blinding my judgment.
Yoona doesn't answer, instead, she just shoves me into the cubicle to change.
"What the hell did she yell? Fans and media have started swarming," whisper yells Beomsoo as soon as he sees us walking back.
"She was talking about the fan that yelled at her for touching Namjoon," Yoona replies as calmly as she could. I could tell she was conflicted. She was hurt by my comment about her yelling at me and putting her in the same league as the other managers, she wanted to defend me as my friend, but also had to do her job as my manager.
"Well, we got as much. Everyone is saying she was swearing and yelling at fans!" Beomsoo talks back, almost spitting in Yoona's face.
Sejin rushed over as soon as he spotted us as well and was just reaching us.
"We should leave now, the boys are already in the car," he orders, "don't do anything. We will be reprimanding her later," he adds to Beomsoo.
"Of course," I mumble, starting to walk towards the exit.
"What did you say?" questions Beomsoo angrily.
"I said don't do anything," whispers Sejin through his teeth, "she will be dealt with later".
I get to the car and get in, Sejin slamming the door behind me.
"That was absolutely, f*cking unacceptable," shouts Sejin after he slams the driver's door shut.
Seokjin, Jungkook, and Namjoon all either wake up or sit up straight shocked and a little confused.
"What were you even thinking doing something as stupid as that! Yelling at fans?! Really? Are you seriously that stupid! I've done everything to defend you and back you up, but this is taking things to a whole new level Y/N," he shouts at me.
"I didn't shout at fans though," I try to defend myself.
"Did I say you could speak!" he interrupts angrily.
"Well, I have to defend myself when you're basing your anger off of wrong information!" I shout back.
This was a first for me. Especially over the past few months after the talk in his office, I had never talked back and just taken the yelling quietly and apologised quickly, taking any punishment be it writing a letter, less food, or just a lot of yelling which was quite emotionally draining.
The boys all look like deer in headlights and are looking at me as if to say "shut up, you're getting in more trouble". Being quiet and apologising would probably be the smarter thing to do, but I was done trying to be something I obviously wasn't. If they couldn't accept me, even after I had been working so hard to meet their standards, then being an idol was obviously not what I was meant to be. I felt like I was fading away and if I was to leave, I wanted it to be on my terms and it would definitely be in dramatic Y/N fashion.
~2022 words~