One whole fucking week.
Seven days of pure unadulterated agony, trapped in an unrelenting loop of nothingness.
There was no end in sight. The stubborn blond had branded herself into every part of my body and was refusing to leave me be. Each millisecond that passed without Riley brought me closer to the brink of my madness.
I scraped and scratched relentlessly at every memory, but I could never erase her completely. Scrubbing the remnants of her out of my life was tougher than I ever thought imaginable.
I attempted to hide away from everyone at the house as I struggled with letting her go. My room should have been my sanctuary, but it turned out to be my worst enemy. The four walls were plotting against me. Everything I stared at reminded me of her—even the floor taunted me as I remembered her rolling around on it the first time she slept in my room.
It hurt so fucking much without her that I felt like I was being eaten from the inside out.
I tossed and turned for a few hours the first night. Riley's ghost haunted me in the dark, whispering acid-laced words into my ear. The air around me grew muggy, heavy, and stifling. Even turning a fan full blast directly on my bare torso did nothing to eliminate the thin layer of sweat clinging to my skin.
My hands were lost and kept tracing the side of the bed that now belonged to her. They were searching for Riley's softness to calm them.
She wasn't there and never would be again.
It had only been a few hours since we fought and I wasn't going to survive the night without her. I had to get away from this place before I caved in and found my way back to her again.
I couldn't break—I had to stay strong.
I drove to Sean's place at 2:00 AM and beat down his door until my battered fist bled. He flicked on the porch light and cursed at me through the door for interrupting his scheduled rendevous with the infamous Cookie.
At least he didn't turn me away. I couldn't take another door shut in my face, even if it was only Sean's.
I had already lost so much in such a short time.
I made myself at home in one of the empty rooms upstairs with the intention of tucking myself in for the night until the heaviness in my chest went away.
One night turned into an entire week.
I couldn't pull myself up from the borrowed bed to do anything at all. There was no showering, no eating, and I was lucky to even get myself to use the bathroom. The bare, stained mattress had adhered itself to my skin.
I began to petrify and collect dust in the darkness.
Sean played the part of my dealer almost as well as my cousin Jake had done for years when I still lived in Indiana. He supplied me with ample amounts of Xanax and Klonopin to dull my senses. I took enough to wipe out a small army and then drank down the duo with a bottle of Everclear, chased by a few gulps of Jack.
There was no point in trying to be better any longer when I had no purpose.
This was who I was now and who I was always meant to be—just another worthless junkie who tainted the world with his vile seed. I was born to infect and corrupt everything in my path.
And now Riley was carrying my disease.
My good 'ole dad would be so fucking proud of me.
It took missing four consecutive days at work and two band practices before anyone even noticed I was missing. JD and Mark both tried to contact me, wanting to know where the hell I was hiding.
I expected JD's messages to be filled with fire and brimstone raining down, but they were only filled with concern. There were no angry threats about how he was going to kill me for touching Riley. He never even mentioned anything about his sister at all.
Riley must still be keeping the baby a secret or she really went through with her plan not to tell anyone that I was the one who put it inside her.
I doubled over into a ball and tucked my knees to my chest as I fought for air. It was killing me to know she would rather pretend I didn't exist and push me away than do what was right for both of us.
On day seven of my vacation stay at Sean's five-star resort for the lost, the booze and pill deliveries began drying up. I had blown through enough of Sean's supply that he siphoned off the top before selling, that he barely had enough to recoup his money and still feed his habit.
Sean decided to cut me off unless I was willing to throw in a few bills to help him clear his margin.
I would have helped out if I had it, but I had nothing to give him—I didn't have anything to offer anyone anymore.
Sean's patience and kindness towards my situation ran out the moment I told him I couldn't help. He had enough of me crashing at his place and forced me out until I figured out a way to come up with the money to help replace all the shit I used.
I told him I would pay him back in a few days when I got my next check which was a complete lie. One day of work wasn't going to clear my debt to him.
I would have to stay clear and dodge him until I came up with the rest.
I laced up my boots and stood up on my feet for the first time that I could remember since I arrived. My legs shook as my metabolism had already burned through the last of my high. My body had started purging itself of the drugs in my system.
I was in the beginning of withdrawal and I had to act fast before it got any worse.
My thoughts battled back and forth as I walked out to my car, contemplating my next move. Riley, the baby inside her, and my fear of not knowing where my next fix was coming from fought each other for dominion over my brain.
When I got inside my car and shut the door, everything came to a crescendo until the noise grew so loud that I had to cover my ears. One voice rang out louder than the others, screaming at me to focus.
"There's still half a bottle of Oxy in your room." The addict inside me grinned with pointed canines.
The deafening noise went silent and shocked my system into action. I turned the ignition and my car roared to life. I slammed on the gas and sped down the road to get back to the house. It was late and if I moved quickly, I might be able to get in and out without anyone noticing. There was a chance they would all be asleep by now.
When I got back to the house, I slowly opened the door as quietly as possible to sneak inside.
"Stop." I heard Brynn's attention-seeking giggle in the living room, followed by a small smack.
Fuck, was Riley here too?
I craned my head to peek around the corner to find out. One tiny glance at the girl would be enough to buy me a few more hours.
My stomach dropped out when I only saw Brynn and Aiden in the dim living room. Riley wasn't with them.
Brynn was in just a bra and straddling Aiden on the couch while he drew little patterns on her bare stomach. Their random ongoing hookup was something I was never going to understand.
I let out the breath I was holding and started to creep by without them knowing. They both were the last two people I wanted to interact with tonight.
"What time is the appointment tomorrow?" Aiden asked before I could take more than one step.
I paused with my foot midstride, hanging in the air.
"At two. I told Riley I would go with her." Brynn answered.
I stopped my stealth mission to listen in.
"Where?" Aiden feigned innocent curiosity.
"The Planned Parenthood Center down the street on Clover Ave."
"I'll drive you guys there. She needs all the support she can get right now. Ezra has been such a dick about everything. I don't know how she is handling this so well." Aiden managed to adoringly gush over Riley and put me down in the same breath.
I stuck my head out a little further. Aiden would earn himself a trip to the emergency room if he kept interfering in my and Riley's business.
"She's not really doing that well. I went and saw her earlier today. She is a disaster. Riley is already exploding and blowing up like that blueberry girl from that one movie with the orange guys. She is going to be so fat." Brynn laughed.
"She's pregnant, Brynn." Aiden scolded.
"Yeah, but you should see her. I can't even imagine what she will look like in a few months if she actually is stupid enough to keep it. She's going to look like one of those thumb people. You know the ones whose heads and necks are the same size? And cankles—she will be eighteen years old with mom cankles. Can you imagine? I wouldn't even hesitate to get rid of that thing if I were in her shoes." Brynn chuckled.
"Why are you being such a bitch?" Aiden pushed Brynn off his lap.
Her mouth was hanging open in shock. I had to blink a few times to make sure I didn't imagine it. I had no idea if what I saw was real or if it was the leftover drugs in my system fabricating the whole thing.
"Don't be pissed at me like I am the one who did something wrong. I'm not the stupid slut who decided to get myself pregnant to keep a guy. That's on her. He's not even interested in her anymore." Brynn replied angrily.
"Riley didn't get pregnant on purpose, Brynn. She would never have done that. She doesn't have to play games to keep someone around like you do." Aiden barked back at her and got up from the couch.
"What the fuck does that mean?" Brynn let out a shrill scream like a banshee.
"Exactly what I said." Aiden stalked off across the room towards the stairs.
I ducked back against the entryway wall to hide in the shadows.
"Where are you going?" Brynn panicked.
"To bed. You can let yourself out. You know where the door is." Aiden instructed as he stomped up the stairs.
"Please, Aiden, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it." Brynn begged for his forgiveness.
I wasn't sure if it was all an act like usual, but there was something in Brynn's voice that made me think Aiden dismissing her actually bothered her.
"Go home. I will pick you both up tomorrow for the appointment. Afterward, you and I can talk about what happened tonight. Goodnight Brynn. Text me when you get home to let me know you made it." Aiden called from the top of the steps.
As soon as the room grew quiet and the coast was clear, I stepped out as Brynn picked her shirt up off the floor. She had tears running down her face and was sniffling. When she caught me out of the corner of her eye, she stood up and forced the stretchy scrap of fabric over her head.
It was odd seeing her this upset. Brynn always had the upper hand; it was actually pretty pathetic to watch.
"What are you staring at?" Brynn growled in my direction.
"Nothing," I mumbled and crossed the room to make my way to the stairs.
Brynn grabbed her purse and started walking towards the front door.
"Riley's doctor's appointment is tomorrow?" I blurted out before she could run off.
"Yes." She gave me an abrupt one-word answer.
"Has she said anything else to you about me?" I fished for more information since Brynn was always so willing to divulge Riley's secrets to me on every other occasion.
Brynn spun around and turned her head to look up at me. She shook her head at me with a mixture of annoyance and sympathy. She pulled her lips back in a grimace like it pained her. The expression she wore told me she didn't want to answer my question.
"Just tell me." I brushed my hair back and pulled on it in frustration.
"Not one word."