TW: racism and a racial slur (it has been censored)
Jungkook's last words had played over and over in my mind on the entire way home, like a catchy melody that I had tried pushing out but to no avail. His voice was so dreamlike and melodic, that you couldn't help but listen and admire. Drawing you in and capturing you for what felt like a lifetime. As if he actually sung his words with a slight tilt to make sure you would never ever escape again. The melody played on the whole flight back home, making sure that I didn't close a single eye on the entire trip, and it was a long ass trip. Twisting and turning his words in every direction, trying to decipher them. What the hell had he meant?
To find him when I came back to Seoul was the option that made the most sense, but then again, he hadn't exactly been entertaining that idea mere moments before, by bluntly rejecting me and simply playing it off. It was dreadful.
When I finally arrived home in the comfy, little, white, domestic suburb of our tiny Pennsylvania town, I passed out on my extremely missed and beloved bed. And the first thing my eyes laid upon when I woke up, to bird's chatter and bright sunlight filtering through my window, was the ancient BTS Skool Luv Affair poster from across my bed. Seven boys staring intensely straight at me with ungodly amounts of eyeliner. Wayy too early in the morning. I threw myself back down and kept lying in my bed, covered by pillows and blankets in a burrito. My mind was spinning, and a headache was pounding. Tomorrow marked the start of school and my job at the little local diner. Looking like something out of 50's America.
But today nothing was planned.
I looked at the enormous Cooky plush sitting to my right on the bed, I had hugged it all night long. It had been a real hassle to take home, ending with my mom having long and heated discussions with the airplane staff, but I had been persistent to have it with me. Not only because it was a giant Cooky and Jungkook had won it for me. But because it also kind of smelled like him. It sounds weird when you say it out loud, but when you first get a whiff of his rich scent and cologne, all those kinds of sane thoughts are gone. He had carried it around for a long part of night so that was probably why. It allowed me to dream back to the night with him, ending in hopeless fantasies taken straight out of a K-drama. I pretended that I laid on Jungkook's muscular chest when it was really just Cooky's fat chin. Cooky was filled with passion and strength while still being cute. Why shouldn't I be able to be that too?
Cooky was the real hype man and at some point, I managed to stretch my toes out into the cold morning air, whelping like a pitiful dog before I could slip them into my fluffy slippers. Life savers.
Mom made eggs for breakfast. We all ate together, and I spent more time picking at the eggs than actually eating them. Life feeling kind of empty now that Jungkook wasn't as involved, and I was back to my normal day to day life. But I guessed that I was going to get over that, just needed a little time.
"Y/n," My mom said suddenly as I stared blankly into my plate. "Why don't you go for a walk? The weather is nice today. I'll do the dishes." My mind was still feeling a bit groggy, and it took me a little time to actually comprehend what she had said. "Sure. Yeah, okay." I said as I rose from the table and headed for the door. It was a bit colder here in Pennsylvania, enough for me to have to put my hands in my pockets and stroll down the sidewalk. Early spring was blooming all around me, light green shone like peridot on the many trees that graced our front garden, and little pink and white delicate flowers dotted the grass covered in a fine coat of frost.
It was beautiful by other words.
I walked down the street, kicking at the additional small stones laying on the tiles, sending them skittering across the carless road. Sundays were always sleepy in towns like these and if I were to find even a single human on my entire walk, I would consider it a miracle. That was of course until I passed by a certain white house. I could see Harpers bouncy, brown curls in my peripheral vision before I heard her annoying, screeching voice. I speed up, walking twice as fast, hoping to flee before she caught onto me. But then-
"Y/n! You're back, how was vacation?" It sounded so fake that my ears were about to bleed. It felt ridiculous to have people you strongly disliked when you were 19, but I just couldn't help it when it came to her.
"Great! It was great." I replied as cheerfully as I possible could, as I dreadfully spun back on my heal to face her.
"What happened to your arm?" She asked as she saw my cast, coming up beside me. I blinked at her for a second, mind going blank. I was scrambling for an explanation that didn't involve Jungkook, which in hindsight seemed like the easiest thing ever, but in the moment, it was always way more stressful. Like an argument, it was always 5 hours later in the shower, that I came up with every single good comeback I could have said. But this wasn't 5 hours later, so I just went with:
"Um, I just fell. You know me... always falling," Yeah, real slick Y/n. I felt like putting my fist in my mouth to muffle my internal guttural screams.
"Okayyy." She dragged it out and sent me a weird look, looking me up and down. "So, you connected with your roots and ate a lot of sushi or something?" She asked with her foxy, sly smile. My own smile turned more into a frozen grimace as I stared at her and revealed at her words. "Isn't that what you said?" She said and tapped her chin thoughtfully with a petty pout, pretending that she was actually thinking about it, not just shitting bullshit.
I desperatly cleared my throat. "That's Japanese food, I'm from Korea, but I mean I do like sushi-"
"Woah, how'd you get in there? Isn't it like super closed off and monitored?"
"S-South Korea. You can't really just...you know..." I said and tried gesturing with my hands to explain. It didn't end well, and she looked at me as if I was stupid. This was getting harder and harder, I felt like hitting my head against a tree. Multiple times.
"Yeah... yeah whatever, I'll see you tomorrow at school I guess." She huffed and trailed off. Thankfully. See why I was so excited for Seoul?
I half considered telling her about Jungkook just to shit her in the face, but that was off limits. I wasn't going to tell a single person about me and Jungkook.
A walk helped, it cleared my mind a bit so I could return recharged and capable of emptying my luggage and preparing for school. A lot of time went by like that. I found myself missing the euphoria, excitement, and adrenaline rush of the roller coaster, but I pushed through it via walks, excessive binging dramas, practicing my acting, preparing for exams, working at the diner, and looking at edits of Jungkook. Edits of when he sang Pied Piper and he looked at me. I strongly recalled the intense, dark, and curious look in his eyes, but through edits I could relive our moment thousand times. And I think that after every single video and picture of Jungkook, I found myself falling just a little in love with him time after time again.
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And then Boy With Luv and Map of the soul: Persona was released and it was hell all over again. At home I could at least control how much BTS content I consumed, (to some extent), but Boy With Luv was an instant hit, and it played almost 24/7 on the radio. I couldn't escape it at the diner, and believe me- I loved the song, but the missing of him was too great. From time to time I could still feel the phantom touch of his lips against mine lingering. It felt silly hanging onto something that was so long ago and at this point probably just a fantasy. I hugged Cooky tightly in my sleep every single night, stupid silent tears slipping down my cheeks, leaving wet traces of what had been.
And to make matters worse. We hadn't texted even once. He hadn't taken the initiative to contact me, and I hadn't done so either. I feared he didn't want me to contact him because there was no word from him and because of the way he had acted on the last night. Find me when you come back- not text me when you get home. Maybe I was overthinking, maybe I wasn't, but I probably was. Who was I to say?
I feared the rejection I might've faced had he not responded to my text or not put effort into it. Because I would put effort into it, I really would do that for him. And I was afraid that he wouldn't do so back.
One Friday evening my brother was watching a tv show and I was chilling on the couch next to him. The children's show went by my eyes in a blurry mess, I had nothing to do, so I decided to watch with him. But I couldn't concentrate on the show, once again I couldn't keep my mind from drifting to Jungkook. Recently I had realized how I never really got to thank him properly for everything. He had given me tickets to their concert for free, and it was amazing tickets too, he had taken me to the amusement park for free and paid for everything. And I had just said thanks and expected that to be it.
I spend a lot of time thinking of how to make it up to him. But I came up blank. It seemed like gifting a millionaire something, was the hardest task I was yet to face. "Hey buddy?" I said and turned my attention to Jack. He hummed back and kept on watching the screen.
"Can you help me with something?"
"Depends,"
I pursed my lips. "I need to come up with a gift for Jungkook," Now his attention finally shifted to me. "You remember him?"
"Uh yeah, he was that guy you ran into." He laughed silently, it couldn't help but look adorably because he was missing a tooth, his tongue poking slightly out through the hole. "Yeah, that's right! That time you ran away. Here's the thing though, I have no idea what to get him." Jack propped his chin up on his fist and looked at me. "Has he ever told you something only you would know?"
I was slightly taken a back. "Um no, I don't think so."
"Well that makes it a bit harder," He sighed. "He has a lot of money, right?" I nodded and his little genius mind continued turning.
"Then you can't just gift him whatever, and you can't gift him something too expensive because you can't afford that."
"Hey!" I protested and crossed my arms "I make a lot of money at the diner."
"Not enough for diamond rings." He said, raised a brow at me and sent me a sassy look. "It would really be easier if you knew something personal. That way it would instantly have value..."
I was fully convinced that my parents had put all from the iq bundle into my brother and left nothing for me. He was scarily advanced for his age. That of course didn't mean he wasn't a child; you couldn't take all the childishness out of him. It was too deeply engraved, but on the other hand I was also fully convinced that he was Gandalf reincarnated. But then again, Gandalf could be pretty silly from time to time.
I kept thinking about his words. Something Jungkook had told me. I went over and over the night at Lotte world, every single little detail. Until- I finally remembered. Iron man. Jungkook loved Iron man. He had even expressed his love for the superhero to me at Lotte world. And from there my train of thoughts just kept pouring.
"Jungkook - Iron man - Toe socks. It's perfect! " I exclaimed to my brother with a wide grin. It was foolproof, yet probably the worst thing I had ever come up with.
Jack looked at me weirdly. "I don't really understand?"
"Jungkook told me that he liked Iron man and toe socks." I sighed as if it was the most obvious thing ever.
"Jungkook likes toe socks?" Jack raised an eyebrow. "You have a weird taste in boys."
"Oh shut up." I squinted back before I flew up from the sofa to get my computer. Almost flying over the back of the sofa, I sat back down again, my brother scooted closer to look at my screen. I found an internet side for personalizing toe socks and found a few pictures of Iron man to have printed on.
"Which one do you prefer?" I asked my brother and switched between the tabs for him to choose. He hummed "I think number 2, it has more pizzazz."
"I actually think so too," I hummed in agreement and the found myself with another problem. "Wait, what size does he use?" I asked no one in particular, and Jack didn't answer. I typed it in the search bar and found out that he uses a size 9, and also that his hand is 19 cm long, for whatever reason just because Google could supply me with that information. I paid for the socks and had them shipped.
A week later they arrived and looked perfect. Perfectly stupid. I really really hoped he could see the joke in it. Else I would look like a complete idiot.
But on the bright side, I now at least had an excuse to contact him again. Not just "hey, just wanted to talk." but now "hey, I got you some funky socks."
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My cast came off just in time for finals. I passed with a final product to be proud of. I wasn't at the very top, but definitely not the bottom either. I was satisfied.
Graduation was fine, I got my hat and my robe and took a lot of pictures in which I smiled. I honestly had great time with my small family. Very small family, like in my dad, mom, and brother. And then a few of our nice neighbors (not including Harper). My dad was an only child and my mom had left her family when she left Korea. I had never met them, but mom called her sister and my grandmother on the phone from time to time. Sure, I had said hi, but never in real life.
School held the final prom, and I went as friends with a girl named Kaley, she was probably the closest I had to a best friend. But we didn't reach that level. My best friend reached what others would consider normal friend level. She was a competing gymnast and spent a whole lot of time training for contests, so she never really had the time to grow close to me. But it was fine, I honestly couldn't picture us doing sleepovers and gossiping over our crushes all night long. Just didn't seem right. But we had a nice night. Danced for the entirety of it, went to an afterparty and got drunk together.
And then high school was over. It was the weirdest thing to think about. Not being able to see them same faces every day, not sit next to the same people in the cafeteria and not ask Mrs. Summer for an extension on my essay, ever again. I felt weirdly sad and longing for more time. All this time I had waited with excitement to leave high school and go straight to Korea, but now I found myself questioning if I was actually ready for it. It was a huge jump from the comfort of high school to a fresh start in a totally different country. But I could start over. Be more like the person I wished to be and not the person I dreaded. It was so so close I could almost taste it. But not quite. I had to wait for the right time.
Summer vacation came, and I took many extra shifts at the diner. Working as much as I possibly could to make sure I was good set for when I arrived in Seoul. I woke up to the warm summer air, put on my shorts and sneakers, put in my headphones, and rode my bike down to the diner. There were many customers during summer and slowly my tips began piling.
One day I was standing behind the counter on a late day, only a few people sat at the tables and booths, and I was going over the receipts and tips of the day. Harper had just returned with an empty milkshake from table 6 and she came up to the counter where one of her friends lingered. I guessed they had plans later on when Harper's shift was over. Mine was soon over too.
It was only us here, our boss had left for vacation in Hawaii.
From the corner of my eye I could see how Harper leaned against the counter and pulled out her phone. "Jada, I gotta show you something." I heard her say. Jada, her friend hummed and shifted closer.
I fidgeted slightly with my ponytail, tightening it and tugging nervously at the little hairs that had made its way out, feeling kind of uncomfortable with just listening to their private conversation. They didn't even bother hiding it.
"So, I found like this Korean boy group a few weeks back. And just like wanted to show you because they're like actually really hot." Harper gushed and I gulped, knowing where this was going.
"Okay, um. What's their name?" Jada edged. please don't say bts please don't say bts please don't say bts-
"BTS." Harper said. "I think it stands for "behind the scene" or something like that..." She drawled totally carelessly.
"It stands for bangtan sonyeondan," I cut in and both of their fiery eyes snapped to me. Don't mind me, I just couldn't resist the delicious chance to correct Harper and prove her wrong. "Which means bulletproof boy scouts in Korean..."
She narrowed her eyes at me and bared her teeth, looking me up and own. I grew very conscious of the little milkshake splatter that had made its way onto my apron, shifting to cover it with my hand.
"Whatever, ch*nk." She hissed.
My stomach shriveled at the sound of the word, swirling uneasiness and hurt running through my body like an electric shock. I had never quite really got used to it and hoped that I never would, no matter how many times I heard it muttered beneath people's breath, old and young alike. I felt sick and I shrunk under her strong, unyielding gaze and felt like she instantly grew ten feet taller than me. My lungs burned and stung with the word. I clenched my hands so hard that my nails bore into my skin, painfully. I wanted to punch her in the face and tear off her fucking bouncy curls, but I didn't.
I began wiping down the counter to distract me from her and her friend. I tried to forget that the word had escaped her mouth, no use causing disrupt on my last day at the diner. I didn't want to leave the US with violence as my last memory, because I feared that that was exactly what would happen if I gave it another thought.
Just like how quick Harper was to switch up, her mood calmed down. It seemed and was fake; I could tell no matter how bad she tried to hide it. Sometimes it just felt like I was the only one who knew of her other side. "So anyway," she said sickly sweet. I glanced at them uncertainly as Harper continued fumbling with her phone until a little melody signaling Bighit entertainment came out. Oh boy.
Soon enough Boy With Luv started playing dimly and my mind instantly snapped to that sunny spring day where I met the members. I tried smiling a little to myself, trying to cheer myself up and think about happy things. Until Harper started talking again.
"Here look," she said to Jada as they huddled together. "It's actually quite impressive how they dance and sing at the same time." She said as the music continued playing. "You know even though, I find it kind of weird that they like wear makeup and how they dress and all that kind of stuff, like I'd rather not," Oh boy here it comes "But that Jungkook guy is actually pretty hot, I wouldn't mind going for him. You should really check them out! He's practically a sex god with that body." I almost choked on my spit and began coughing violently. I'm sorry but not everyone needs to know about your hidden desires HARPER. They're hidden for a reason. Not to mention it just felt wrong to just hear people openly talk about him like that, especially when I knew him, personally. Except I couldn't tell Harper that, so I just let her keep going. Her and Jada looked at me weirdly. "Sorry, just a tickle eheh..." I coughed as I began moving to wipe the now empty tables to distance myself from the conversation.
And then Harper just kept on talking. I could feel how my cheeks turned red almost burning, because admittedly I probably had had the same thoughts when he was near me. When he had kissed me.
But I didn't like how Harper talked about him. As if he wasn't anything more than that. As if he didn't have the whole world shining in his eyes, or how sweet his laugh sounded, or how gentle he was whenever he was near me, or how he was filled to the brim with passion and love for his job and fans. It was a deep churning pit of jealousy in my stomach that felt evil to the core, it moved towards my heart and tainted it in the darkest shade of the most wicked black. It felt like hatred for the fact that people like Harper were intitled to act like they could just own him or be his. Even when I wasn't even that. It was stupid and I should have been ashamed. Harper and Jada kept on gushing about only Jungkook, completely ignoring the other members, and talking about him as he were an animal in a zoo on display for them.
"But doesn't his hair look fluffy? I want his routine." and "Ugh he has such baby cheeks, he's so cute!" came out of their mouths.
And I guess it hurt. Because they could happily talk about how amazing he was without thinking about how much they missed him. I was jealous of them.
"-And you know, I think if we actually met, we would totally hit it off because I'm obviously his typ-" Harper continued on rambling and I just couldn't take it anymore. To imagine Harper and Jungkook dating, even if it was millions of lightyears away, was enough to send my stomach twisting. In disgust.
"I- I gotta go" I suddenly interrupted them. Harper looked up at me with a what that got to do with me? attitude.
"Okay?" Harper said, totally not giving a single shit about me. Rich, since she was acting so sweet not even a few months ago.
"You'll lock up?" I asked and glanced at the glass door.
"Yeah," she said without a single tone in her voice. Her eyes looked bored. I fidgeted with my fingers. "This is my last week here," I said, clear uncertainty laced in my voice. "So, like, goodbye, I guess. Good luck at Harvard Harper, and um Jada, journalism, was it?"
"Yeah..." Jada said, her eyes in two slits as she stared at me. I put my apron down on a table like I was instructed by the owner and looked around the diner for the last time. Probably ever.
"Bye," I said and walked out the door before they could answer. I wasn't sure if Harper at all times knew how she hurt people. Or if she just didn't care.
I just knew that I didn't mind leaving one bit.