I know, no one loves me
But still I don't want to know either
They love me or not..
I wake up with tears in my eyes,
That people Love to see the Most
But still, I smile for myself, 'cauz I know
I don't have much time to lie myself...
Everyday, I got bruises on my heart
Loving the things I want to love,
Threatened with the past,
I can't mould a pretty lie that I am still okay...
I cried all night alone with the lost things,
I fake smile on my life that, everything gonna be kay..
I am not expecting too much from this wounded present,
Still, I want to live not for others but for myself....
Pain I am feeling now is nothing like a star, which looks pretty for others,
Revealing the story of mine, repeating all the things again..
Really, I dont want to live my life again..
Daisy ran to her house, not caring about the weird stare she is getting all the way, the whole way tears were slipping from her eyes finally she reached home, still sobbing . With trembling hands she opened the door. As soon as she steeped in she burst into tears crying her heart out. I can't, I can't take this anymore, why everyone is mean to me, what I did God to deserve this. I tried, I tried my best not to remember that night but I failed again I failed miserably. I hate my self I hate myself.
She is continuously crying and banging her hands on the floor saying sorry, sorry again and again. Her hands again started to tremble it was getting hard for her to breath, she is breathing heavily. Her head start to spin around. She is having panik attack. She tried to get up only to fall back with loud thud. She hitted her head on corner of table.causing it to scratch and blood started to ooze form it. Seeing blood , memories flashed in her mind she gasped for air. But nothing seems working. She layed back trying to breath. Her head is spinning. Her vision started to get blurry. And she passed out.
Daisy woke up with heavy head ache , her head is hurting she slowly tried to open her eyes only to shut them again. She groaned in pain, after lots of effort she was able to open them. She looked around realising that she is on the floor and passed away due to banging her head on table corner. She slowly lifted her self and made her way to her bedroom. She looked herself in the mirror, her eyes are swollen due to crying, and at the corner of her forehead is covered with dried blood, slowly she touched the wound and hissed as pain enveloped her whole head. Tears started to form in her beautiful eyes. They started oozing as she recalled the incident in the college, she come back to reality when she heard her phone ringing. She quickly went to living room. And there her phone lying on the table she grabbed it, ana is calling her, after composing her self she picked up the call.
What the hell daisy!!, I am calling you from past one hour, why are you not picking up your damn phone. For the fuck sake say something, are you listening me daisy.... Daisy, the short girl shouted from the other side.
Cool down ana, my ears are going to bleed stop shouting, and I didn't picked up your call because I am sleeping in my bedroom and phone was on silent. She lied, she doesn't want to make her friend worry.
Damn it, you even know how scared I was, John called me and told me what happened in college, I am going go kill that fucker... She said with full range.
Daisy laughed, really, are you going to kill him with your tiny hands...
I am not joking daisy, sorry I was not there for you. When you didn't picked up my calls I thought that something bad happened to you... Her voice cracked at the end of the sentence.
Hey hey ana , are you crying ? I am sorry I am really sorry... I didn't mean to make you worry..please stop crying you know na I can't see tears in your eyes, Daisy said feeling guilty.
You better don't do this kind of shit again, next time I am not going to forgive you.
I am sorry I will not do this again, okay relax hmmm my small potato. I will call you later okay bye.
Hmm okay bye saying that ana ended the call letting out a frustrated sigh, she know something is off but she can't force her bestie to tell her what's wrong..
Daisy eyes widened seeing her mobile flooded with missed calls and message from John and ana. She felt bad for making her friends worry, she texted John telling she is okay and and she sleeping that's why she didn't picked up the calls.
She went back to her room it's almost 8 pm. She doesn't have urge to eat anything or to do her assignment.
Daisy sighed and went to take a bath to relax her body. Her eyes we're red and puffy due to continues crying. She cleaned her wound and put bandage on it. Her eyes again got watery as the words of bills started spinning in her head , " You are jinx to your mom that's why because of you she passed away "
few tears escaped her eyes making her little chubby chicks wet. She slide down the wall as she felt her legs don't have strength to stand further. Her back is pressing the wall, tears were continuously flowing from her eyes, and within a moment she again breakdown into tears, painful sobs were escaping her mouth. N...no... I didn't killed her, n.... No I didn't. M...mom she said with a shaky voice as the incident of that night started flashing in her mind. N...no I am not jinx n...no I am not.
Mom.... It's feel like hell to me. My life is becoming hell mom. I....i am trying to hold back my tears but they want to slip from my eyes I am trying but they are continuously flowing..... I don't want to feel weak...mom every night I try to close my eyes those memories starts to play in my mind, they remind me that it's my mistake.. That you are not here with me I love you mom, I really do... I am sorry... It hurts it hurts alot ,I can't hold it anymore, my head is spinning mom, I am feeling useless... what I should do mom? come back to me please your angel can't live without you ....it's getting hard for me to breath, it hurts it's hurt mom with every single breath I take , it hurts... I feel like my heart is going to get ripped. Mom I feel like someone is stabbing my heart, I am regreating that I am still alive, I should have died instead of you that night,
M...my beautiful moments are turning into painful ones. I am feeling empty, I am feeling lonely. I am tired mom I am tired I...i just want to sleep peacefully, everyday I am breaking into pieces....slowly I am dying inside, but who cares either I will get hurt or break down it doesn't matter anymore. I still feel pain, when I am not suppsed to, my head is hurting. She sobbed again missing her mom.
She is mumbling, sorry again and again. She said missing her mom still sitting on the cold tiles of bathroom, tears never stopped escaping her eyes,
mom you know, my head is always filled with negative thoughts, I don't know why? Their intensity is increasing day by day, I don't know how to overcome them. My head is spinning, spinning without taking a break, and you know what, my thoughts are making it worst she chuckled sadly,
I am feeling numb my heart is beating fast as it's last time to beat. I am feeling uneasy, unwanted, helpless. It's getting worst day by day I am feeling inferior, I am full of doubts, hesitation, insecure,
Mom it's tiring, it's tiring to live like this, I just want some peace, will all this shit stop , if I stop breathing, will everything will be alright if I go to sleep permanently. Is it okay, if I stop trying and let everything go. Help me mom please, I want to go back to you, I want to sleep,... I am tired so tired to even breath...
Her demons screamed, she tried to fight back. She is a fighter She tried to hold them back She tried but...but she felt herself getting weak...those voices started to ring in her mind you are useless, ugly you dont deserve happiness you are just a burden burden to yourself burden to your friends .... They are strong ... I can't fight back with them , I can't run away from them, they are Wispering in my mind to slit those hands...they want to see that color flowing from my hands...i am weak...and there is no place for weak people in this world... She closed her eyes to shut them to gather her breaking self but it's getting hard for her to hold herself back from doing that...She looked at her wrist they were painted with beautiful design. She smile sadly and said I think it's time for you to paint again. Slowly the bright beautiful tiles were painted with color, and again she is giving herself a beautiful tattoo, the difference is just that she only have single color and single canvas.
The bruises of the mirror, the sparkle of the color,
The feeling of numbness, the trembling trust, the broken unbroken self can't be joined really is it worth it all. Struggling and crying again and again looks like I am breaking again. Dripping of the water but it's colorful , just a drop of wine decorating the wrist of mine, I am trying my best but it's not getting better. The 2 am beauty of the darkness and glitter of the stars it's all mine and of course I am fine....
It's been hours that she is sitting on that floor, her face is blank and body is numb. she is looking blankly at the wall like it's most beautiful thing she had ever seen. Her eyes were more red and puffy than they were before, there are dried tear marks on her beautiful face. Her one hand hold something shiney, her other hand was rested on the tiles beside her, the whole tiles were red like someone spilled wine there, the drops of red wine were dripping from her hands, she again painted herself, there are red lines all over her wrist, some painting are old but some are as fresh as the tears in her eyes. She looked down and smiled sadly knowing that she again carved her hand with lines, they were paining but not more than the pain she feel everyday. She mumbled almost in inaudible trembling voice, everything is going to be okay... I will be okay... I will ..saying that she slowly closed her eyes....
How much she is going to endure, how much she can paint, when she is loosing her colors,
This world was was so beautiful for her and she was one of the beautiful star of the galaxy but suddenly why everything changed she lost her shine as she is growing.
She feels like lost her everything, even she lost herself. No she was not like that,.... She use to smile alot giggle alot, she still smiles but why it's feel like she is breaking inside.
Today she lost her another battle, there are only scars left... They will be reminder for her that how she tried to fight with her inner self her dark side... Her demons.... Only marks are visible there they are the only proof that she is a fighter... And she will fight again... She don't want to break again.... This scars will remind her that, may be she is a looser but she is a real winner for her breath.... In efforts to keep herself alive she got thise marks which will slowly fade away as time will pass but will be she okay.... Don't know how many battles are left... Don't know how many times she will be able to fight back.... Don't know when she will close her eyes and give up on herself... Allow her demons to take full control over her... She is trying and she will... You know why , because she is warriors she is a little fighter of her mom... A little star of herself... She will fight she will not give up.... I hope... She will find herself again before she loose herself fully before she fall apart completely....