A/N
Love this motion poster of Benedict
https://www.instagram.com/tv/CbNrcBhliOf/?utm_medium=copy_link
He offered her a hand so that she could get off the floor, which she accepted, and escorted her to the pew where they sat down. It took a while for her to calm down, but he continued to wait patiently.
"Bad day?" he asked her with a compassionate smile.
"Something like that," she replied, still trying to dab the tears that were falling from her eyes. He sighed and looked ahead, towards the altar.
"I see well I can relate slightly unfortunately."
"How so?" she asked but she knew the answer when he looked at her, with a poignant look.
"Oh" she merely said because what else could she say?
" I am not surprised that you came here. Lots of memories in this place.. My entire family married here for one thing," he stated with a wistful look, reminiscing.
"Say.. Were you there the day Father Michaels gave me a twist on the ear, a few years back, because I wouldn't sit still?"
"I was.. He shouldn't have done that. It was wrong of him".
"Uh, tell me about it my ear was still buzzing two days later" he replied with a jesting smile.
"TWO days after? Really?" asked Alina questioning him a little, smiling back.
"I can hear your disbelieving tone miss Kennedy, but I am not exaggerating. It really did hurt" stated Tommy with conviction and a playful grin on his face and Alina laughed.
"Alright, I believe you."
"Thank you, that means a lot to me," Tommy grinned.
After that moment there was another pause between them, and they sat there in silence, but not in an uncomfortable silence... She had never felt uncomfortable with him, she suddenly realised. She knew that he had liked her for some time, but he had never behaved less than gallantly towards her, not even when they were together. He hadn't kissed her, hadn't forced himself on her, had wanted to give her the space to get used to him. He had been nice to her, and was even now, she didn't deserve it at all and that told her a lot about his character.
"Tommy... about... you and I... I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you".
He looked at her with an inquisitive look before staring ahead again.
"I know... Alina. I know. It's all right." he repeated without looking at her.
They then sat for a while without saying anything before Tommy interrupted the interlude.
"Shall I take you home?" he asked, looking at her and she nodded wordlessly. Together they walked slowly back to Madame Delacroix's shop.
"Are you hungry?" he asked her suddenly. She wanted to be polite and say not but that would be a lie. She hadn't eaten anything in a while.
"A little," she answered shyly.
"Nice. Me too, let's get a bite to eat if you want" he suggested. She agreed. They sat down in a small establishment and ordered some soup and sandwiches. They talked about small talk, how the bakery was doing, how Tommy's family was doing. They weren't serious subjects, and they didn't need to be, here, now, that was all Alina needed. A friendly face and distraction. They kept talking about all sorts of things, recalling anecdotes about their shared childhood, about their neighbours, Tommy's antics at school. It was nice and it felt familiar and that was exactly what she missed so much these last weeks, a piece of her former life, when everything still made sense.
After dinner he walked back home with her. Alina put the key in the lock and wanted to go inside, but then turned to him. He had his hands in his pockets and was looking intently at her with a soft expression in his eyes.
"Thank you."
"For what?" asked Tommy just pretending he didn't know what.
"For always being nice to me...even though I don't deserve it".
He shook his head.
"You deserve my kindness... You more than anyone in the world" he said, and the implications of those words did not pass Alina by, but he did not elaborate. Instead, Tommy offered her a smile and she smiled back at him.
"I think you should go inside; it's getting dark", Tommy suggested.
"Yeah I think so too", Alina agreed.
"Well; good night then.."
"Good night Tommy".
At this, Tommy turned slowly around and started to walk, although his feet seemed to struggle. Walk away, Tommy said to himself. Walk away. It's no use. She doesn't want you. She... just said his name?
"Tommy" he heard her call suddenly and he turned to her and walked back.
"I... I" she began but the words seemed to come out with difficulty.
"What is it?" he asked, narrowing the distance between them.
"Nothing, never mind... sorry" she said with a quick breath, and he frowned curiously at her.
"Are you sure?" he wanted to know.
"Yes. Sorry. It was nothing, not important" but somewhere he didn't quite believe this. However, she didn't seem to be very at ease now, so he didn't press the matter.
"Uhm, alright, then I'll, I'll just go."
"Yes... thank you again for everything."
"It was my pleasure", he replied. After saying this he left but again his stupid feet didn't seem to cooperate. Don't do it, resonated his head. Do it, resonated his heart and the two seemed to be fighting each other but at the end there was only one victor.
Before he knew what had come over him he had spent a minute in the same place as before, back to her, she who had just opened the door and he spoke like the infatuated fool he was.
"My offer still stands."
She turned slowly towards him and looked at him in disbelief and he knew somewhere that he had made a big mistake, but the die was cast.
"I... I still want to marry you. Even though" and he took a short breath "I know you don't feel the same way... and I, I know it's stupid to suggest this, but I don't want anyone else. And if you", he took a few steps forward "would like to give me a chance then I can show you that I will be a worthy husband to me. One who will be kind to you and treat you well. You should not be alone, Alina. I don't want you to be alone and even if you could never love me... I will love you enough for both of us, Alina," he pleaded sincerely.
"You don't have to answer anything now and maybe you never will, but I want you to know that my proposal still stands."
"Think about it, alright" he suggested, finally having the courage to look directly at her. He saw a tearful Alina give him a compassionate look and oh, oh how stupid he was. Oh, could shoot himself, he was an idiot... the biggest-
"I will. I'll consider it, Tommy".
What? He was dumbfounded for a few seconds because this was not the answer for which he was waiting.
"I'll let you know... soon" she said, upsetting him even more.
"Okay", he just said. Okay he repeated as he finally left in bewilderment and with a racing, foolish heart, into the dark of night.
A few days later.
The past week had passed in a blur for Benedict. She was pregnant... and it felt so... He didn't know exactly how he should feel. On the one hand, he felt happy, he had always wanted to be a father. On the other hand, he was not jumping for joy, and he hated that. He was disgusted with himself for feeling this way. It was not fair. Not fair to Eleanor, who couldn't help having appropriated some liquid courage that night to avoid thinking about **her**.
To avoid thinking about the guilt he felt at that moment. To drink away the realisation that he had let her down, that he was doing exactly what his 'peers' did, getting involved with lower class women and then dumping them ungraciously, with or without a sum of money to buy off their silence after they had had enough of them.
Even though that had not been his intention, even though he loved her, an outsider could draw exactly this conclusion and he hated it.
It wasn't Eleanor's fault that in his drunken recklessness he had let himself go that one moment instead of backing down and now there was no turning back. You could say a lot about him, but he hadn't sunk so low as to turn his back on a pregnant woman. And certainly not his own, but that didn't mean he didn't feel trapped in a web of lies and deceit. In a continuum of self-hatred and doubt. Restless, as if time were catching up with him and he could run all he wanted but he always finished second.
It was in his restlessness and desire not to be home, cowardly as he knew it, that he went to his parents' house that day. When he arrived, the butler informed him that his sisters and mother had gone to see Daphne and had just left.
He took a seat in the drawing room and let the butler bring him some coffee and biscuits, followed by some sandwiches, he had eaten too little in the morning. It was then that Colin came in, eying the food, greeted him and without further ado took two sandwiches from the plate.
"What are you doing here, you're more here than at home" he wanted to know after he had stuffed his mouth.
"It's nice to see you too, Colin" Benedict said.
"Thank you, I know you enjoy my company immensely" grinned Colin but Benedict gave no response and looked lost in front of him.
"Are you alright?", Colin asked while staring at his big brother with concern. The question startled Benedict out of his reverie.
"Yes... of course."
Colin sighed and looked at Benedict for a long time.
"Why don't you tell me what's the matter, Ben?".
"I have no idea what you are talking about", Benedict lied.
"Yes you do. Listen I am aware I'm your younger brother, but you can tell me things. You never know, I may be able to help you with something. Who knows I might surprise you with my elevated level of intelligence," he joked.
Benedict's lips lifted briefly in half smile, but then his gaze hardened once more.
"Honestly, Ben. I can see that you are not doing well. We can all see that. Mother almost wants to hold an intervention, but I stopped her" he said with a smile.
"I've asked Anthony what is going on with you, but he won't say anything. He isn't in the mood to talk these days anyway; you know with Mara gone (writer's note: again, see Last Chance).
"So, I am afraid that" and Colin sat back and pointed at himself with both hands, "I'm your only choice right now ... also ... well... because Eloise isn't here at the moment".
Benedict needed a sounding board and told everything in a jerk, just as he had done with Simon and when he had finally spoken Colin looked at him in astonishment.
"That is... a lot to decompress there, Ben".
"I know" sighed Benedict and for a long while neither one of the brothers knew what to say.
"I don't know if I should tell you this but I will.. called to " Colin said after a moment.
"What is it?" asked Benedict curiously.
"It is something that's been bothering me for a while and it's not to Eleanor's detriment but. don't you think it's strange how Richard Shelby suddenly turned up that night and found you there?"
Benedict looked at Colin for a long time in confusion.
"What do you mean?".
"It seems to me that your unexpected rendezvous with Eleanor that day was orchestrated.. I know the same thing happened to Anthony with Mara at the time and Lady Whistledown has written about it... but this feels different. That was a coincidence this doesn't seem a coincidence to me.".
Benedict pondered for a while and then it hit him. The way she had clung to him the few times he had danced with her. How he had caught her having a secret conversation with her brother (then he didn't know it was her brother) and how they had looked at him. Very fleetingly but then it dawned on him....
That night... it had always puzzled him. How Richard with the Featheringtons in tow had suddenly been there, Benedict had not thought anything of it at first but now the memory had a completely different association and Benedict realised.
Colin had opened his eyes; he had been tricked and he felt furious, furious but it put him in an incredibly precarious situation. He couldn't exactly go shouting at Eleanor, who was pregnant, Richard was another matter, but that no worthless was on a trip abroad now.
In any case, Benedict had been duped. Severely and he had been too blind to see it.
"I wanted to share this with you earlier but before I knew it you were married, Ben and by then it was too late to turn things back and given the latest circumstances, I think it's entirely too late. I'm sorry to say that" Colin said with a pained face.
"I know," Benedict nodded.
"I'm sorry.. all of this must have been hard for you, and I wish you had told me earlier. I could have helped?".
"You have helped me just now; it was nice to bear my soul so to speak".
"Anytime, Ben. I am here for you if you need me," Colin earnestly spoke.
"Thank you, I appreciate that. Well, I think I'll be going" and he immediately put his money where his mouth was by standing up. He patted Colin on the arm as a farewell and then walked away but before he even left the room he heard his little brother calling his name.
"Yeah Colin?".
"I know the situation seems impossible now, at least, but something tells me that... it's not over for you and Alina.... Something tells me that your paths will cross again".
Benedict shook his head and gave him a sad look.
"Don't think so. Waited too long. I was too foolish." replied Benedict.
"Maybe but I have a feeling I am right and if I am.. then you owe me a dinner. Agreed?"
At this Benedict had to chuckle, his brother and food were inseparable. Even though he did not believe that the above mentioned was right, Benedict appeased him.
"Deal."
When he came home, he asked where his wife was (God that was.. strange to say still) and was informed that she had gone to her mother. Eleanor returned in the evening in time for dinner. It was obvious that she had not expected Benedict when she walked into the dining room and saw him sitting there. He stood up respectfully and pushed her chair as she sat down at a slight distance, but still close to him.
"Hello Eleanor," Benedict said.
"Good evening," she greeted.
"I understand you have been with your mother, how is she?", he asked politely.
"She sends you her regards.".
"How ehm are you?" and the question surprised Eleanor somehow as she was not used to talk to him. Better said: she wasn't used to Benedict paying attention to her at all. The pregnancy was just what they needed to get closer to each other.
"I'm okay" said Eleanor with relief that Benedict didn't notice.
"I feel tired most of the time, but mother says that is normal, especially in the beginning."
Benedict gave her a compassionate glance and then prepared for the next piece in their conversation.
"Listen... I know I haven't been home much..." and Eleanor hung on his lips and stared at him intently "but I'll try to do that more" Benedict brought out with difficulty.
At this Eleanor got a pleased look on her face, which, although it did not last long, the effect of his words was clearly visible.
"That would be nice, Benedict."
Benedict nodded and then turned back to his plate. This was the right thing to do, assisting her was the right thing to do. He was a man of honour; he would not let her suffocate and their child would bring them closer. Perhaps. They ate in silence. Then they sat, apart from a word here and there, not much was spoken. When it was time to sleep they went upstairs together. Benedict intended to sleep in his room and wanted to wish her a good night and then go to his own room, but she suddenly felt unwell.
"What is it?" asked Benedict in concern.
"Oh. Nothing. Every now and then I get overwhelmed by a fit of nausea... but I'm all right".
"Are you sure?".
"Yes."
Benedict looked thoughtful for a moment, and she could tell he was considering something.
"If you want... I can stay with you tonight.. to make sure you're okay" Benedict suggested.
And that was exactly what Eleanor wanted.
"I would like that.. if it is not too much trouble?."
"It will not be any trouble at all," Benedict replied, and Eleanor had to do her utmost best not to grin in victory.
The next few days were about the same. Benedict did his best to be more present but still gave an excuse sometimes of having an 'appointment' here and there, but that appointment did not exist. He stayed in Eleanor's room more often and watched how she slept when he could not do so himself. At how her body rose and fell, her long curls falling down her face, at how vulnerable she seemed.
But no matter how many times he looked, his eyes searched for the brunette every time, searched for her face, her body, everything that made her unique. Everything he loved. It was impossible not to think about her. It was wrong to do so but impossible.
In the morning, he couldn't get out of bed, so he lay there until he woke up a few hours later in a daze. Eleanor had left, he heard, to visit one of her friends that just had a baby. Benedict hated to admit it but he was a bit glad she wasn't at home.
He consumed a late lunch/breakfast and read the newspapers... His attention was disturbed by his faithful butler who handed him an envelope that lay on a silver plate.
The envelope was addressed to him but there was no sender on it, very curious Benedict thought. Meanwhile his curiosity had increased to such an extent that he could not wait any longer. He tore open the envelope, took out the note and read it.
Mr Bridgerton,
I apologise for leaving the sender's name absent from the envelope but given a desire for discretion, I have omitted it.
You asked me to let you know when I had news regarding Miss Kennedy..
I regret to inform you that she was married yesterday morning to Mr. Tommy Watson.
The couple resides now opposite Mr. Watson's family bakery, in Tower street.
If you have any questions Sir, you know where to reach me,
Sincerely,
J. Thawes
He reread the letter one more time in astonishment as if he didn't quite grasp the meaning of it the first time but when the reality of the words hit an overwhelming sense of sadness came over him.
He had lost her for good.
And he had never felt more lost in his entire life.