Sophie decided to go to sleep. She was exhausted. Not physically, but emotionally, unable to force any kind of expression on her face, unable to force any change of tone in her voice, unable to put it into words. All that she could do was growl angrily and there was no point in it, thus she closed her eyes.
Her sleep wasn't peaceful. On the contrary, she was hunted by guilt and rage, anxious about all the possible solutions of the situation she was currently in. It seemed like the constant battle she was facing while conscious, was now also happening subconsciously. It was fucking insane. She felt insane. Maybe she just was insane ? With that thought on her mind, she woke up. Much to her surprise she wasn't alone in the room anymore.
"Did you sleep well?" Hange asked. She looked tired, definitely more tired than Sophie remembered her and even during these last months they spent together, she aged a lot compared to how she used to be in Paradis.
Paradis. The thought of the island brought a whole new wave of memories. Those good and bad, mostly the ones including Levi. They were pretty happy, weren't they?
"Did you just...smile?" She asked confusedly. It was something she didn't expect to witness after what Levi told them about their conversation. If she was so tense talking with her own husband, then how on earth is it possible she's so...seemingly cheerful? It was all pretty disturbing. Hange noted in mind to check her for concussion.
As soon as Sophie heard that question, she went back to her unapproachable facial expression from before. "No," she averted her eyes. She couldn't afford smiling, she didn't deserve moments like this. Why the hell would she smile after all the crimes she had committed? "Why are you here?" She cleared her throat, desperate to change the subject.
"I brought you breakfast," she pointed at the plate full of bread that she grabbed right away and took a first bite. "Glad you like it," she smiled at her, but she didn't react, instead focusing on her meal. "Did they...did they let you eat?" She asked after a moment of hesitation. She didn't know what to talk about with her, if she would be up to talk at all.
"I'm still here, right? I wouldn't be if they starved me," she grunted between bites. She didn't want to talk about it. She really didn't want to.
"Right, sorry for asking," she scratched her head in embarrassment. "You gained a bit of weight after all," she blurted and Sophie glared at her in a way that made Hange take a few steps back. Sophie nodded at her with a sad sparkle in her eyes. Of course Hange was scared by that look of hers. Who wouldn't? Those poor people she killed in the name of Tybur were the greatest proof it was right to fear her.
"Leave me alone, I want to eat in peace," Sophie said, still avoiding eye contact.
"Sophie, maybe-"
"We ain't friends no more, don't try to act like one because it won't be mutual," she harshly cut in.
"Do you seriously want to break all of the ties with us?" She blinked in disbelief. She actually didn't want to believe Levi's words before. She didn't want to believe that Sophie could act so strange and ruthless and...cold. If it wasn't for her face, she would be convinced they were talking to someone completely different, not even related to her. Alas, it was her. There was no doubt about it. She started to think that checking her for concussion wouldn't be enough, that it was most likely she needed to be consulted by someone who was familiar with mental issues. She needed to be provided with that kind of help in the first place.
"Sure, why not?" Sophie shrugged in response, trying her best to not wince or appear hesitant. No, she had to be firm about it. She had to push them away, as far as possible. She had to push the memories of them away. Lock them deep inside, free herself from it as she couldn't be freed from the Tyburs. Oh, she could feel how blood was boiling in her veins due to anger. How she wanted to dig nails in their skulls and crush it in her hands. Her eyes widened slightly as she realised what she thought about. She feared that Hange noticed that, but when she rose her head, she wasn't in the room anymore. She left her alone, just as she wished for. Good.
She wished that her family was like this. But Scouts are your family too, her past opposed. She grimaced even more. No, they're not family. They're not my blood, she tried to convince herself. Really? Blood's all that matters to you now?
Ah, she couldn't take it. Her hands went to her hair, ripping it and causing her pain. She sighed with relief as she felt it. Pain was the only relief that she had access to. Killing is the other one, the voice inside her head suggested and it was really hard to not give in.
Fuck, her eyes started flicking from one corner to another as she searched the room for a sharp tool that could be used as a weapon. She couldn't find any. Except from the bed frame and the plate. If she crushed it, she could use pieces to shove them into someone's body or her own. Whatever she'd decide. The choice was hard, though. Whenever she tried to end her life, she was stopped by the Tybur-Leitz bond. It was annoying, really. But maybe...? Maybe the connection was too weak now? Maybe Willy was too far from her? It was worth the shot.
﹡﹡✹﹡﹡
Hange went back to the common room where the rest of the Scouts were seated, except for Erwin who was now in a meeting with those who came from Paradis to help them. "So?" Levi asked as soon as he saw Hange stepping inside. He was nervous to hear her report. Fuck, he was thinking whether he should stay outside of her room and listen to their conversation, be there just in case. In case of what? He asked himself and he didn't actually know. He couldn't decide whether he was scared for her or scared for those who were visiting her. Maybe both? God, he missed Sophie so much and instead of being with her, he had to debate with himself how far from her he should stay. It was infuriating. It made him think about their relationship, if she acted like this now because she really has changed, or was it because the distance helped her realise she wasn't in love with him at all? This thought caused him physical pain, making his heart beat disturbingly strong. Suddenly he felt like choking again, it felt like there wasn't enough air for him to breathe. Alas, he had to control it, he couldn't let anyone know about it as it could give them the idea of sending him to a different place. He couldn't afford that. He was scared that if he stepped outside of this building, he would lose her for good. It couldn't happen. He couldn't accept it. He had to do everything that's possible to prevent it from happening.
"You were right," Hange sighed. "She's not very keen to talk,"
"Did she tell you anything? " Jean asked and Hange repeated her whole conversation with Sophie word-by-word.
"Well, that's barely anything," Mike furrowed and got up from his seat. "Her face? What was it like? Maybe her emotions would tell us something more than she's willing herself," he suggested.
Levi leaned closer to Hange in order to hear her answer better. He was curious to know. The truth is he had mixed feelings - if Sophie showed more emotions with Hange, he would be happy that she started opening up, yet sad at the same time that she couldn't show anything when he was around. He. Her husband. The man she chose to marry. But she told you she doesn't feel married to you, didn't she? A tiny voice echoed inside his head and his fists clenched involuntarily, eyes became shiny from tears that wanted to flow down his face. This situation was extremely tough and not knowing how long it was going to take to change or if it ever would change, was killing him. No matter what, he was going to stay by her side, take care of her from a safe distance if she didn't want him around anymore. No matter how painful it would be, he wasn't going to abandon her. That's something he would never do. He didn't care about the ring at this point. Even if he wasn't her husband, he would still stick around. He deeply, madly, irretrievably loved her. Nothing was going to change that. He was sure about it the moment he realised his feelings and he was sure about it now. His heart decided a long time ago that it belonged to her. No chance in hell it would change its mind.
"All that her face told me is that she needs help, quickly," Hange finally replied and god, her words sunk deep in Levi's mind. She needs help. Quickly. Could he provide one?
"Maybe we should invite Nathalie and Eric after all," he said suddenly, causing all of the eyes to focus on him. It was the kind of attention he didn't want to attract. He knew that they weren't seeing him as their comrade, a captain of the Survey Corps. No, they were seeing him as a miserable husband of a woman who acted strange and tried to kill them, including him. It didn't look good. Heck, he wouldn't care if it wasn't for those pitiful eyes, those sad and awkward looks they gave him every time their eyes met. It was an ugly reminder of how shitty his position was, how unstable his marriage was at the moment.
"Do you think that she'd want to meet with them, captain?" Armin asked.
I don't know, he wanted to say, yet couldn't find enough courage to do it aloud. He felt like he had to be the one who knew the right answers. What kind of captain would he be if he didn't? A lost one. Completely confused by the situation he was in. Before he managed to say anything Erwin entered the room, accompanied by Floch and two younger Scouts who were recruited after the battle of Shiganshina.
"That's highly unlikely to happen," Erwin said. Now eyes were focused on him and Levi was thankful for that, he needed that burden of his chest. "Judging by Levi's report from yesterday and her general behaviour, I'm afraid she would react unfavourably,"
"It's worth a shot though, right?" Jean cut in. The atmosphere in the room was hectic as they were losing their time on conversations that aren't helpful in any way. They had to act, not just talk. The last time they kept on talking instead of doing, was the time when Eren wanted to activate the rumbling without explaining anything.
"There's one shot we can definitely do if everything else fails," Floch said quietly and everyone's eyes widened in shock. Levi felt like he was slapped in his face, his face furrowed and teeth gritted with his fists ready to punch him.
"What the hell, Floch?!" Sasha and Jean yelled at him and the rest protested as well. Before they even noticed Levi got up from his seat and grabbed Floch by his jacket, pushing him to the corner. His head hit the wall and he hissed. He didn't do anything, though. Instead, he calmly accepted Levi's fist on his face and another one that left a bruise on his cheek.
"Levi, stop!" Hange rushed towards them, trying to pull him to the side, but he shook her hands off his shoulders. "He's not worth it!" She tried to reason with him, but he didn't listen, punching him again.
"Levi," Erwin approached him as well. "Let go of him," he said firmly and he growled angrily, but punched the wall this time instead of Floch's face. "I won't tolerate disrespect between comrades," he said to Floch. His voice was cold and something about his face told Floch to remain silent as he lowered his head in what seemed to be shame. "We have a war to fight. Let's not waste our strength on conflicts within our group," he added and some of them nodded. Alas, Jean and Levi seemed unconvinced, still angry at Floch and mad that Erwin didn't punish him for his behaviour. Was it possible that he shared some of this guy's thoughts?
"I'm sorry commander, but will all due respect-" one of the new soldiers tried to say, but Erwin stopped him with his hand's gesture.
"You can share your concerns with me in private," Erwin said, not even looking at him, his eyes flicking between Levi and Floch.
"But-" the soldier tried to say again, but this time got interrupted by Floch.
"It won't happen again, commander," he just said, nodding at him.
"Good, you can leave," he nodded at him and he quickly left the room, dragging the two soldiers with him, despite their quiet protests.
"You don't control these bastards," Mike blurted, glaring at Erwin. He was almost as mad as Levi. He wasn't in his shoes, yet he thought about it a lot - what would he do and how would he act if he and Nanaba were in the same situation? The thought left him sick and he found himself really protective over Levi these days.
"You're welcome to talk about it with me in private as well. Perhaps, you're both going to end up in my office at the same time," Erwin arched his eyebrow, looking at him. He didn't want to have this conversation around Levi's squad. Yes, they were exquisite soldiers, but they were still pretty young and lower in ranks than him, Mike, Levi and Hange. Not everything was supposed to be witnessed by them. Not yet, at least.
"Are you kidding me?!" He growled, teeth gritted like Levi's before. Hange took a glimpse of Levi's squad and found Sasha, Armin and Mikasa sitting uncomfortably while Jean looked as pissed as Mike and Levi. Eren, on the contrary, remained completely calm. She envied him this. Yes, she knew it was part of his trauma, but still - she would love to be this serene for once. She could feel how her emotions were devouring her, draining her optimism, exploiting her mind like ruthless robbers. She would do a lot for one peaceful night without thinking about Marley, war, Tyburs, Leitzes, Ackermans, allies and enemies, conflicts in their own group, hiding from the Marley's police. Fuck, it was quite a handful to navigate. She had to suppress a bitter chuckle as she thought about it. All this time she advocated for mental help for Sophie, but it seemed she needed it too. Well, they all needed it to be completely honest. They were all damaged, the scars they had to carry were fatal.
"Oi, can we focus?" Levi asked, his voice was giving away how exhausted he was. "I want Eric and Nathalie to be involved," he said while looking at Erwin. "They might help,"
"What if they trigger her?" Armin asked suddenly. "I mean, Nathalie told us that she and Eric met her in the Tybur's manor. She didn't react well to them. What if it's going to repeat?"
"She was someone different in there-" Jean tried to say, but Hange cut in.
"No, I think Armin's right. She is different. That's something we can't pretend to be untrue," she said in response to the look on their faces. "We can't predict her reaction. Are we sure we want to risk Eric and Nathalie's lives?"
"Who says anything about risk? We can be in the room," Mike opposed.
"Oh yeah, like that leaves a comfortable space for her to open up," Hange rolled her eyes and they would probably discuss it further if it wasn't for Levi charging outside the room and slamming the door behind him.
Fuck, he really felt like choking again. He had trouble breathing and his heart rate was extremely fast due to stress. It was a lot to take. It was a lot to witness his friends fight about things that could be good or bad for his wife. Suddenly Sophie was the person everyone wanted to have a say in and it was making him feel knackered. All he wanted them to do was to support him in doing something, not argue whether it was right or wrong. He had enough of this bullshit.
"Captain, are you alright?" Sasha joined him in the hallway and he didn't even look at her. He could just see her legs in front of him, meaning she didn't leave him despite his unapproachable attitude. He acted like Sophie now, mimicking her ways. That realisation was enough to make him raise his head and look at Sasha.
"What do you think, brat?" He grunted and she almost smiled. Finally, he called someone a brat, it was something he stopped doing recently and it felt refreshing to hear him say it again.
"I think they should listen to you, sir," she said, throwing him off. "I have a good hearing, did you know?" She asked, but didn't wait for his answer. "Sometimes I say that I heard something and people tend to ignore it, dismiss it. It happened in the Utgard when people from Ragako got turned into titans. They ignored my hunch. I wonder...would captain Mike get so injured if they listened to me? Would so many soldiers die that day?" She got lost in her thoughts for a moment before she continued. "Anyways, I think sometimes we know what's best and it's hard when people don't listen to you. I think you know what's best for Sophie. You've known her for so long," she finished and Levi really appreciated her words. He really appreciated the effort she made to come here and tell him about all of this, expressing her understanding. It was exactly what he needed. Shit, he would give her a hug if it didn't feel weird. He needed a hug. He needed to be comforted by someone. Anyone. He didn't care whether it would be someone from his squad, Hange or Mike, even Erwin. Sophie unlocked his need for affection and without her...shit, it was hard. He wasn't into being close with others except for her. All this time spent apart he wished to hold her close and feel her hands caressing his hair. When she comes back, he kept on reassuring himself. And now she was back and it felt like nothing had changed, like she was still out there, inaccessible.
"Thank you," he mumbled awkwardly and she nodded, leaving him alone. He pressed his head to the wall and sighed deeply before he decided to go back to the room. He found them still arguing in a heated way. It really made him want to leave the place again and call them out low-mindedly, yet he stopped himself from doing that. They were one at least in one thing - there was no time for fighting among their own unit. They had to trust each other and be able to rely on one another. Bickering wouldn't help that. "Oi," he brought their attention to himself. "We're going to invite Eric and Nathalie. Something has to be done," he said firmly and he was met with an awkward silence. He didn't back down, though.
"B-but Levi, we don't know if-" Hange tried to say.
"It's settled," he glared at her in a way that told her that it was better to drop the subject and play along.
"I'm gonna ask Oldin's people to get in touch with them," Mike said, supporting Levi immediately. He patted him on his shoulder on his way back and Levi got left with Hange, his squad and Erwin in the room. He kept on looking at him, searching his eyes for any kind of reaction, but he didn't find any. He was just watching him with curiosity all over his face. He wasn't going to comment on it. The truth is - Sophie wasn't that much of his concern at the moment. He had bigger things to care about - the war. Marley clearly made their first move and Paradis responded to it at that local arms dealer's lodge. It was a matter of time before another step would be taken. They had to be prepared and for goodness sake, Erwin didn't want to take any sides in stupid conflicts between his comrades. No, he would only intervene when it was needed, like earlier with Levi and Floch. Otherwise, he would rather stay out of it, not associate himself with anyone as the situation was hectic enough. They had to know that he was above it, not engaging in childish antics. That way no side would get angry at him and when he would decide to speak up about something - they all would respect it, not suspect him of playing favours. That's not what his soldiers wanted, but that's what they needed.
"Update me on the situation," Erwin just said and Levi nodded, actually relieved that he was staying out of it. Good, his wife wasn't some kind of weapon like some of them might have thought. She was a human being, she needed help. He was going to try anything to help her. He just hoped it would work and she would realise that he's not her enemy, that she deserved being saved.
"If you want to do that, I think you should tell her about it beforehand," Hange said and he winced. He wasn't sure that it was a good idea. Alas, he knew it was the right thing to do, thus he nodded. "Good," she visibly relaxed.
"Hange, why are you so protective towards Sophie?" Jean asked out of nowhere. "She tried to kill us, I mean no disrespect," he quickly said as he noticed Levi's angry glare. "But that's the fact. She tried to kill us, I know, she's not herself, but still...don't you think that telling her can jeopardise the whole thing? From your reports it seems like she's trying her best to fail all of your attempts to help her," he tried to explain his point of view, praying inside his head for Levi not to scold him or kick the shit out of him. He knew it was a dangerous thing to say at a moment like this, but hell, it kind of had an impact on all of them. They deserved some answers if they were going to live with her under the same rooftop. It's not that he had something against Sophie. Of course he didn't. He just didn't trust her in her current state.
"We won't act like we're the abductors," Levi said.
"See, we don't even know if that's how her abductors acted and-"
"Jean, let it go," Armin said quietly, pulling him by his sleeve, afraid that Levi would snap at him in a short time. But nothing like this happened. Levi remained silent, ignoring these brats. Ignoring everything. He was elsewhere in his mind, he was with Sophie, praying for her recovery, praying that Nathalie and Eric would help, praying that it wouldn't push her further from him.
﹡﹡✹﹡﹡
She didn't even know for how long she was sitting on the floor, staring at the plate in her hands. Time could not exist for her. God, she hoped it didn't exist. That way she could make it stop from passing, she could stay in this moment of loneliness, ravel in it and resolve all of her issues with one, desired move of her hand.
"Sophie," she heard a voice. That voice, the one she hoped to not hear anymore. She slightly cringed as she looked at him.
"I brought guests," Levi said and she arched her eyebrow in question.
"Hi," people behind him greeted her and much to her discontent, she noticed Eric and Nathalie.
"I thought you didn't want to force me to meet with them," she recalled the night they brought her here, how he snapped at Hange for suggesting it. Levi noticed the irony himself.
"I brought them. It's up to you if you're going to talk with them," he shrugged, trying to appear as unbothered as he could, yet she knew all of this was just a play. She knew he cared. She could see it in his eyes, how genuine his concern was, how wistful he was. She knew him too well to be fooled. She almost chuckled bitterly thinking about it, causing him to furrow. He didn't pressure her, even though he was getting impatient and it was clear he wanted her to talk with them. Fuck it, let's try. Maybe he'll finally give up after seeing it won't work , she thought, but she didn't believe it at all. Just like he couldn't fool her, she couldn't fool herself either.
"Fine," she just mumbled and Levi left the room. She smirked seeing that. Pretending that he's not sitting by the door, pathetic, she thought, but didn't say anything. She was going to hold that against him if he'd come up with another idea on how to save her. Please, just give up. Remember me as someone better than I am now, she thought.
"How are you doing?" Nathalie asked. She was talking quietly, as she was probably still afraid of her after their last meeting. Sophie couldn't blame her. She did threaten her with a knife after all.
"I'm forced to accept a pilgrimage to my room, so what do you think?" She replied, causing Nathalie to avert her eyes. Of course, it was a stupid question to which she already knew answer. But she wasn't good at socialising with other people. She spent most of her life avoiding people, staying late in her lab and then going straight to the room. If it wasn't for Eric, she would be like this up till this day.
"Your sense of humour still's there, though," Eric tried to defuse the tension, but with no luck. She glared at him, but he didn't stop smiling even for a second. He was used to this Leitz poor behaviour. He was raised by them and Tyburs - the two most fucked up families he had ever seen. There was nothing she could surprise him with. "Look, I get it. You were exposed to the worst people ever, forced to live with them. You had to adapt in order to survive, but you don't have to do that anymore," he shook his head, reaching for her hand, but she didn't accept it.
"You're a Leitz yourself, you know how adapting works with them," she grunted. " Oh, right. You don't. I forget you're a wonderful child that was raised differently than the rest. You respond to different factors. You're immune to different things that Leitzes like me have to deal with," she snapped at him, enraged in both her eyes and voice, something that was coming straight from her heart. Something that was hiding underneath her skin, ready to attack at any moment. Something she was scared of.
The smile washef of his face which she hoped for to happen. She hit him in the right spot. Maybe he would give up on her easier than Levi, it wouldn't be a surprise. Levi was her husband. He still is, her past self tried to reason with her, but she cleared her throat and gave Eric a challenging look, waiting if he was going to say something. He leaned closer, their faces were only centimetres apart. "We both know I've been through some shit. We both know it's different from your thing, but it doesn't erase the experience," he said quietly. "What they did to you...it must've been horrible, especially since you weren't raised that way. But that gives you the best weapon to fight it off, Sophie. You have people that care for you, you have a whole personality to go back to, please don't throw it away," he added and she cringed.
"And what about Tyburs, huh?" She glared at him and he sighed. He saw that one coming. "I won't ever free myself from them, I won't ever...," she didn't even finish as her voice cracked slightly.
"We both know the bond's getting less painful the further you are from them," he pointed out.
"We're pretty far now and I can still fucking feel it inside," she said with disgust. "I'm sick of it, of myself, of...everything," she gasped. This conversation itself was tiring and painful as it was bringing up all of her worries on the surface. But it was good, at least she was opening up, right? That's what Eric thought.
"I'll help you," he said, there was no smile anymore. He was dead serious with concern written all over his face. "You know I'm on your side. You know I loathe our family's company like you do,"
"You don't know how I feel," she hissed.
"You're right. Tell me," he whispered. "Tell me how you feel. Let me try to help,"
And she wanted to believe him. She wanted to trust him. She knew him after all. She knew Eric proved to be trustworthy and loyal. Heck, there was even a friendship developing between the two of them before she got kidnapped. They had the greatest chance to be friends, maybe even best friends. He could be the brother she never had, and she could be like a sister to him. She knew the feeling was mutual before and she sensed he still cared for her, despite her acting the way she is. Despite the fact she attacked Nathalie back in the Tybur's manor. Fuck, she felt pain just thinking about it as her past self was rioting inside, knocking on the walls she built, trying to escape the prison Willy made for her. She felt how tears were gathering in the corners of her eyes. Weak, she thought. Was it her past or present talking? She wasn't sure.
But she wanted to trust Eric. It was the only feeling she was one hundred percent sure of at the moment. Alas, as soon as she opened her mouth, she felt an excruciating pain. Sophie, wherever you are - fight. Don't tell them anything. I forbid you. Hearing these sentences loud and clear made her eyes close for a moment. There was no doubt that the voice she heard belonged to Willy. He was her master, her solace, her imprisonment. He was everything. Not in a romantic way, but occupying enough to make her think about him involuntarily. That fucking bond he forced on her. If it wasn't for it, she would be free, right? She would be able to tell them everything and fall into their arms. She would be able to feel relief, to cry, to laugh, to yell. She wouldn't feel so...cold. Levi. She wouldn't push him away, would she? That thought crossed her mind, but she quickly stopped herself from thinking about it. It was pointless.
"I don't wanna talk," she grunted. "Leave me alone," she added, looking away, hoping that her apathy would be enough to convince them to go. But no. They didn't move at all. "You don't fucking understand? Leave," she snapped at them and Nathalie exchanged concerned looks with Eric.
"Okay," Eric finally said and stepped closer. "We're here for you, whenever you're ready," he said and offered his hand for a shake. She wanted to accept it at first, but the bond forced her to drop the idea. It made her angry. It made her want to push him out of this room.
"Don't touch me," she gritted her teeth, fingers clenched on the plate she still held.
"We won't touch you," Eric tried to reassure her, but it was met with another dose of hostility.
"I don't trust you," she shook her head. "All of the noble families are fucked. We're all fucked up and poisoned, we ain't trustworthy. Don't you dare come closer," she broke the plate and pointed the piece she still held at them. They took a few steps back, terror in Nathalie's eyes and pity in Eric's.
"There's no need for a violence," he shook his head. It was important to point that out and it seemed to bring some sense into her head. She was getting calmer again. That one sentence reminded her that Eric was far better than all the rest of the Leitzes, including her. "Take care," he said on his way out and opened the door. "You should get her out of Marley as soon as possible," Eric said to Levi on his way out. "That's all I can suggest right now. Be strong," he patted his shoulder as he went downstairs.
Levi nodded at him. He cleared his throat before with a heavy heart, he decided to get inside, to face her again. "No more guests," she growled at him. His eyes widened as he realised her hand was bleeding and he quickly checked the floor, finding pieces of plate on it. He heard some noise, yes, but he didn't expect her to do it. He thought that...heck, he didn't know what he thought. Probably nothing. Fucking idiot.
"You're bleeding and guests are what you're worried about?" He mumbled as he approached her. "Let me see it," he reached with his hand for her own, but she retreated it, holding it close to her chest like a treasure. It seemed like he was more hurt than she was right now.
"What part of me not wanting to talk with you or others, you don't understand?" She asked.
"You're so defensive, even though I didn't do anything," he said, she could hear how hurt he was. Good. Bad. Both. Ugh, these mixed up feelings were the worst. "I just want to help you with this," he pointed at her bleeding hand. "...and check on you,"
She quickly wiped the blood on her shirt and showed it to him. She wanted to prove that she didn't need him or anyone, that she was perfectly fine on her own. Alas, he didn't seem convinced. It angered her. It boiled blood in her veins. Past self. Present self. They were both here, colliding and whispering to her ideas that were excluding one another. "You're all fucking exhausting me!" She yelled out of nowhere. It was a cry for help, but she was yet to accept it. "You suffocate me with that saviour attitude. Oh, I wanna help you. I won't give up on you, " she started mocking them. "You want this, you want that. Where's the place for what I want, huh?!" She snapped at him, catching him off guard. He didn't know how to react nor how to address it. She didn't care about his reaction. Truth. Lie. "It's always like this. It was the same thing the day I got kidnapped. I didn't want you to take that fucking pill and you took it anyway. And now you're here almost crying, thinking it's gonna work on me. Pathetic. I'm not the way I used to be. When are you going to finally fucking learn?!" She kept on yelling, she was screaming so loud it alarmed Hange who quickly rushed upstairs.
Levi stood there, completely frozen in place. His face was pale and palms sweaty, a deaf sound in his chest. He felt disconnected from the whole world. All that mattered was that moment, that accusation, that hate in her eyes. It felt like she despised him. Was it true?
"Everything I did, I did for you. I had good intentions, I'm sorry it turned out so fucking bad," he cried out. Fuck, he was really pathetic, wasn't he? Just like she called him out. No wonder why she didn't want to have anything to do with him. But how could he act normal? How could he act unbothered like her, pretend her words weren't affecting him? He couldn't. He was far too broken to act strong, yet he was trying his best just for her. Alas, even the strongest people were sometimes cracking, acting unstable and forgetting about other's feelings, instead focusing on their own experience. He prayed for it to not happen now. He didn't want to risk losing her even more. He didn't want to give her any more reasons to push him away.
"Sorry won't fix anything. Tears and guilt tripping won't do the job either," she said coldly. He wasn't even angry at her. How could he? She was clearly traumatised and he kept on failing at helping her. It felt like an utterly miserable situation with no way out. "Forgot your words?" She arched an eyebrow. Hurt him. Don't do it. Do it. Please, don't. "I see, maybe it's for the better. I won't fucking stand more I love yous . It's just embarrassing, you know" she rolled her eyes and he felt like he was slapped on his face. No, actually worse. He felt like she pressed a dagger straight to his heart and she didn't even finish. "Furlan would get it," she did her final punch and if it felt like being stabbed before, not it felt like she twisted the knife inside his chest and decided to do it multiple times, just for fun.
"Come on, Levi. Let's get you out of here," he didn't even notice when Hange entered the room and urged him to go downstairs. He was stuck in that moment, upstairs with her. He didn't even realise he was in their common room again when the rest were still seated, sending him more looks that he hated.
He didn't feel like talking with them. No, he wanted ravel in his own misery. He wanted them to leave him alone, so he could swallow the ugly truth without any witnesses - Sophie was really trying to end this. He didn't know how to wrap his head around it. It wasn't her, was it? She was just saying all of these because she needed help, he kept on telling himself, although it was hard to stay on this path after hearing all of the cruel things from her.
Suddenly, he got snapped back to reality with one sentence. "I'll talk with her," Eren said.