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I tapped my foot repeatedly on the hospital floor, as I waited anxiously for a doctor to let me know when I could see my mother. As soon as I left work, I found myself coming here. I didn't think too much about it, it just happened. A lot of things seem to be happening like that today. It's all very spur of the moment thinking today.
"Miss Kwan?" I heard a voice say and quickly my head shot up, while my heart rate quickened at the realisation that I would be going to see my mother. "Your mother is waiting."
"Thank you, Doctor." I replied with a smile, giving a light nod. I waited a few seconds, hesitant to go in. But after taking a deep breath in, to calm myself, I stepped on into the room.
"Oh, it's you...." My mother replied, slightly disappointed, I noticed. "I expected your sister, when the doctor said my daughter came to see me. What a....lovely surprise."
"Well, I guess I'm sorry to disappoint you." I said in response. I looked around the room, seeing an idle chair, which I took and placed close to my mother's bedside, where she lay. "Unfortunately, the disappointment won't stop there."
"And what's that supposed to mean?" My mother questioned, as I took a seat. I took another breath in, collecting my thoughts. How do I go about saying this? Why am I not more prepared? "Oh please, keep me waiting, why don't you? Just because I'm at the hospital, that doesn't mean I don't have better things to do, you know."
"Mother, I came to ask....or request....inform you, about my soulmate bonding." I began, trying to put all of my thoughts into one sentence. "I'm here to ask that you stay out of it."
"But I'm your-
"I'm sorry, but I haven't finished." I replied in a small voice, hoping I wouldn't anger her. Though when I looked up to see her reaction, I was almost surprised to see her unbothered by my response.
"Continue, then." She stated, showing no emotion, not even giving it away in her voice. The image of my mother now, in front of me, it reminded me a lot of my childhood.
It was often that I found my mother in a similar state to this. If ever I wanted to tell my mother something that was on my mind, no matter how serious or exciting it was, her reaction was always something like this. It's funny how, after all these years, I can never quite get used to it. It may be because I still remember the times, a long time ago now, when it was different. When she was different. This was of course before the incident....
"After my last visit, I kept my promise to you. However now I realise how stupid of me it was to keep it, or even just to humour the idea of it." I began. "I don't think it was your place to ask that of me, and I'm here now to request that you refrain from doing so again."
There was a pause. Neither I nor my mother spoke for quite some time. I was honestly unsure of whether she heard me or not. Maybe I should repeat myself? But when, eventually, she spoke up, I kept silent.
"I asked this of you, because I thought you would benefit from it." My mother finally replied.
"I guess I'm here to say that, I didn't." I stated. "It only made me fear this bond more. I shouldn't have to be as weary as I am, and I shouldn't have to be careful to the point that I don't even try to engage with my soulmate. I should be enjoying the experience. But because of your input, I haven't been."
"Don't make this my fault." My mother retorted, in a rather defensive manner.
"Well, you are partially to blame, yes." I replied, feeling myself getting slightly frustrated at her.
"So all these years that you, on your own, prior to your bond, have been afraid of soulmate bond....it's all still my fault?" My mother replied, raising her voice.
I kept quiet for a minute, as I thought back to how I felt right after Yoongi and I had bonded. I thought solely about how I felt. And the more I thought about it, the more I realised she wasn't entirely wrong.
I slammed my door shut, hearing the picture frame beside the door fall, since I had rather harshly closed the door. I couldn't bring myself to go back, because now all I wanted, was to crawl up onto my bed, and cry. But I couldn't even make it there, before my legs gave way, and I found myself on the floor.
"Why me?" I whispered, as I silently sobbed to myself. "Why now?"
I spent four years, studying about this. Trying to find any way to help prevent my soulmate bonding. Of course, it was a great interest of mine since I was very young, and I wanted to know more out of curiosity. But I only had a few major reasons to pursue this career, and this was one of them.
I hoped I could maybe find a way, that would prevent me finding my soulmate, or maybe at the very least, buy me the time I needed to later be ready for it. This, along with a few other things, of course was the reason I work as an SBR. And now that I have failed one of my main personal goals, I couldn't help but cry.
That time, when I first bonded with Yoongi, I was afraid. My mother had no input in my life during that point and still, I was scared of even the mere idea of having to rely on someone for energy. My mother had almost no input. Apart from having raised me, with the thought that soulmate bonding ends up exactly like her's had. Apart from that small, but very important detail, I guess there wasn't much involvement on her part.
"Yeah, you're right." I replied sarcastically, with a bitter chuckle. "All those years growing up, with a mother who's bond basically destroyed the very person she was, had absolutely no effect on me."
"Oh please, stop with the dramics-
"I should stop being so dramatic?" I asked, with yet another bitter laugh. "I've heard a lot of that today. And you know what? I may be dramatic, but I know I'm certainly not wrong."
"Ae-Young-
"I'm sorry mother, I have to leave." I replied, getting up from my chair and turning to towards the door. I know I have a habit of doing this, but right now, I didn't want to deal with the current situation. I wanted to leave immediately and forgot this, for a while at least, so I could focus on what's important right now. But still I stopped for a moment, and I turned back. "I hope you get better soon."
After that I headed out of the room as quickly as I could, rushing to get back home because I wanted to get in touch with Yoongi as soon as possible. I took my phone from my bag and without giving it another thought, I tapped on Yoongi's number.
I put the phone up to my ear, waiting and hoping he would answer. I walked down the numerous hallways, almost at the front entrance until I stopped. When I noticed Yoongi hadn't picked up, I looked back at my phone and thought about calling again. Unfortunately however, I didn't get to at that particular moment, for I thought I heard my name being called.
"Ms. Kwan!" I heard, this time for sure. I turned around quickly, looking around for the source of the sound. No one rushed over, no one looked like they had just shouted my name from down the hall, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Even with that weird feeling in my gut, telling me to find out if anyone really did call me, I ignored it and headed on out.
Right now didn't seem like the time to investigate such a small thing. Right now, Yoongi is more important. Or rather, my intention to make things right with him. That's my current priority. So with that in mind, I turned back around and headed for home.
I didn't have the energy to take bus after bus to get home, so I decided that paying for a taxi would have to suffice for today. I don't usually do that, as it costs far too much, but if it's just for today it'll surely be fine. And thanks to the taxi, I got home quicker than I normally would.
Once I reached my apartment building, I ran up the stairs, using basically all the remaining energy I had left to do it. This meant that when I went inside, I walked towards my sofa and collapsed onto it. I let my eyes closing immediately, preparing to fall asleep.
I would have done so too, if only there wasn't a knock on the door.
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