Harry Styles
//
"Do not turn off the lights, Desmond!" I could hear this woman's voice from the other side of the door and I knew they were fighting about me again.
They always did.
And he would turn off the lights when she wasn't around, he didn't care about me and I knew he wanted me to leave.
I knew he hated me, I wasn't supposed to be here. I didn't know why I was here.
Maybe I was too young to know what death felt like but I really felt like I had died inside that bunker. I left a part of me in there, a part I was never going to get back.
My sister wasn't with me and she had been gone for a while now. There was no way for me to count the days since she was taken but I knew I spent way too many sleepless nights wishing she could be right next to me.
I stopped eating and moving at all... my body felt dead, I was too weak.
My life felt like a stupid dream and nothing mattered anymore, I didn't matter.
I was left alone in the dark.
"I don't fucking know why you brought him here! He wouldn't be the first to die-"
"He can hear you!" Anne said, and I didn't know why she was being nice to me.
I could remember her face... I saw her face right before I fainted that day, two weeks ago from now.
I hadn't spoken much or done anything, I was confused about what was happening. I didn't want to remember and I didn't want to think about the pain, it hurt so much that it made my tummy hurt.
My parents were somewhere out there... my sister was somewhere out there if she was still alive. I was naive to think all those children that disappeared from the bunker were living happily somewhere, free.
We were never free.
Even though I was in this fancy house now, I was still trapped inside my mind. I built this prison to protect myself from scary thoughts, and I didn't know how to leave anymore. It was always dark for me.
I was terrified of the dark now, it just made me think of my sister and everything we went through.
The bad men would always come when it was dark... the first thing I remembered after we were kidnapped was being in the dark, and there was only darkness around me when Gemma was taken.
Nothing good happened when the lights were out.
I didn't know how long we were in that bunker, I just knew how much it hurt.
We were snatched away from our parents and our lives, until we became nothing.
And when I was about to simply give up and wish to never open my eyes again, this woman came along and brought me here.
I didn't remember much of the days after she took me out of the bunker, but I remembered the doctors and some tubes in my arms. I was too weak to keep my eyes open, until one day I woke up feeling strong enough to blink.
And then they brought me here.
I didn't plan on talking to them, I didn't trust them at all. Desmond wasn't a nice person and he was mean to me.
Anne tried to talk to me and ask about me, but I only told her my name and asked where Gemma was. I was sure they sent her somewhere, they had to know where she was.
I didn't have my sister to protect me anymore and I was so scared.
This bed managed to feel just as uncomfortable as the damp concrete floor of the bunker, maybe because I still felt imprisoned. I didn't like these people and they were bad.
I wanted to forget everything.
I was lying down on my side in a fetal position and I hugged the pillow, at least the room smelled nice. But my toys weren't here, it was just a grown- up's room.
My wooden ship wasn't here and I had literally nothing left of my old life.
Maybe nothing truly happened and I dreamed it all... maybe there was no bunker, no Gemma, no life back in London. What if I hit my head really hard and it broke me? This could be the reason why the doctors helped me and my mind was confused, making me think my nightmares were reality.
I mean, I was so confused and lost that I didn't know what was real anymore. I didn't feel real.
"You want to keep him like he's a goddamn dog, don't complain when you get annoyed, Anne. We never had children for a fucking reason and now you want to play house? He's not worth being sold anymore but I lost money."
Desmond raised his voice, maybe he wanted to make sure I'd listen.
"I'm fucking done! You have to stop this, Catherine is poisoning your mind and you only think about the money! Mason is worried-"
"Stop talking about Mason. He doesn't seem worried to me, he's got his own kids to think about and put food on the table. Is that why you want to keep him? You're jealous of Mason?"
Desmond was always so mean to her.
Sometimes I heard them fighting and she would scream, I knew he hurt her.
But then he'd say he loved her, and I didn't know why she believed. I wished someone would love me, but in a good way.
This wasn't good.
"Harry is staying here and I'm going to take care of him. Call the fucking lawyer." Anne snapped. "He's my responsibility, he almost died. I can't let more children die, you have to stop this."
"If I had a son, it'd never be like that! He's scared of the dark, for fuck's sake! Crying like a little girl! He's not going to be a man. A true man."
Desmond's words made me cry, maybe he was right about me. "I'm not gonna waste my fucking time teaching him. You do whatever the fuck you want. If this backfires, I'll kill him."
His threats made me feel nothing anymore, I was learning how to become numb. I still cried though, I didn't like when he was mean to me.
The bedroom door opened after a few seconds and Anne walked in, wiping away her tears too. I wanted to ask her why she was with him if he made her cry so much. I wanted to ask her why I was here.
"Hi, Harry." She smiled, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. "You can keep the lights on, it's okay."
I just nodded, not even bothering to brush my hair off my face. The curls were getting too long but I didn't want to cut it.
"Are you hungry? Thirsty?" She asked me, clenching her fists as if she was trying to stop herself from touching me.
I shook my head, looking down at my fingers. There was nothing I wanted to say so I just whistled, missing my sister more than usual tonight. Maybe because I missed feeling safe and loved.
"Is that Fleetwood Mac? Landslide?" Anne asked me with a smile and I looked at her, the name was familiar because I knew there were records of this band back at my real home. "I love them. Do you want me to sing it to you?"
Her offer caught me off guard and I didn't know what to do, so I just nodded. Her eyes were always kind, I knew she wasn't mean like Desmond.
But I didn't know her.
"Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love? Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life?"
She sang in a low voice, but somehow listening to the lyrics after so long without anyone singing them to me just made me feel warm inside.
It made me feel alive.
Maybe the pain wasn't real.
Maybe I could forget.
//
I woke up all of a sudden feeling like I was being suffocated, quickly sitting up on the bed and realizing I was sweating as if I had just worked out. My muscles felt strained and everything hurt, especially my head.
The lamp on the bedside table was on and I looked around the room to make sure I was safe, not knowing why exactly I felt the need to. My mind was a mess and flashes of my dream kept replaying in my head, but I couldn't remember it... I just knew Anne was there. Cleo was asleep right next to me, lying on her side and groaning a little as she reached out her hand to touch me, almost as if she'd sensed that I needed her right now.
I intertwined our fingers before I laid back down, pulling her closer to me and praying that I wouldn't wake her, but her eyes didn't open as I also laid down on my side, scooting closer until she was the one spooning me. I guided her arms to hold me and her chin was resting on my shoulder now, and I didn't move.
She was so small compared to me but she always made me feel safe.
I focused on my surroundings and took deep breaths, trying to calm my heartbeat before I could lose it and have a panic attack. This felt like an episode but somehow much worse, and it wasn't even dark. I had no idea why this dream I could barely remember affected me so much.
I was literally shaking and feeling cold and sweating at the same time, biting my trembling lower lip as I felt a single tear streaming down my cheek. I didn't want to be loud to wake Cleo up, she needed to rest.
We had to focus on our health these days, and as much as it was getting difficult to not leave the house until we were properly healed, we just had to. Ash was making sure things were under control and I was so thankful for her.
Our wounds were healing and things seemed quiet for now... I just wanted to feel okay. These weird dreams had been haunting me ever since Cleo and I talked about Anne again, a day after we had drunk and smoked a little too much when Zayn got back from New York, and that whole little show happened.
And it had been four days since that now.
Cleo knew something was wrong because I was too quiet, and I wanted to be strong enough to call my mother and finally get this over with. But Cleo's birthday was in two days and I didn't want to ruin it.
This would be the first birthday I'd spend with her and she also deserved some happy memories. Our life was shitty enough as it is.
I had even asked Ash to help me with her gifts, I'd bought a few already and she had no idea.
Some were a joke only to piss her off, but it would also make her laugh. I liked it when she laughed... it felt like home.
Home.
Gemma.
Flashes of my dream started to replay in my mind all of a sudden as if I had no control at all, but this time they were vivid. This was the first time I actually remembered my dream and I could hear my parents' voice as if it was a memory... it felt like a memory.
It was a memory.
What the fuck?
I remembered Anne walking into my room... asking me about what I was whistling and the way I felt so fucking terrified. Her fight with Desmond... I remembered it all like it was yesterday.
The fucking bunker.
No. No. No.
This had to be a dream.
The sudden pressure inside my chest the moment the images flooded my brain hurt as if I was having a heart attack, and I couldn't stop the tears from falling.
I remembered being on the floor... alone. In the dark. The sound of the ocean as the ship took us somewhere that definitely wasn't home.
Us.
Me and Gemma.
She was gone.
Anne got to me before I could die, taking me to her house when I was too young to properly discern what was real or not. Until I finally decided to erase it all and suppress these memories so much that they were buried in
the depths of my mind.
Until now.
It kept hitting me one after the other, with no brakes or mercy. It was too
much for me to bear and I couldn't stop myself from crying or sobbing as soon as reality crashed in.
My lungs felt like they were being crushed and I just cried, my strangled sobs were nearly suffocating me and my entire body was shaking, I just couldn't stop.
"Harry? Baby, what's wrong?" I heard Cleo's voice and she tightened her arms around me, holding me against her body. "Did you have a bad dream? Please, talk to me."
I tried to talk but I only sobbed, feeling so much pain that I honestly wanted to die to make it stop. But she was here, and she grabbed my shoulders to force me to turn so I could look at her.
Cleo's blue eyes were wide and concerned, and I wrapped my own arms around myself to try to stop myself from falling apart.
But I kept falling.
"Make it stop," I begged her, screwing my eyes shut. "This can't be real. This can't be real."
"Harry, what is it? Talk to me." Cleo's voice sounded pained and it only made me cry more because I realized there was nothing she could do.
There was nothing anyone could do.
I wasn't real.
It felt like I had unlocked parts of my mind that I wasn't even aware they existed, and it was just too much. Memory after memory, they just kept coming and I couldn't stop.
I suddenly regretted ever wanting to know the truth.
I felt Cleo's hands smoothing up and down my bare arms before she cupped my face, gently brushing her thumbs over my cheekbones, but I didn't open my eyes. This was the most I had ever cried and I felt this painful pressure all over my body, consuming me entirely.
And flashes of the memories kept coming.
"Harry, please. You have to eat."
"I'm not hungry, Gem,"
Dark.
"I'm scared. I wanna go home."
"I wanna go home too."
The darkness, the bunker, my life... I wasn't ready for this.
"I know who Gemma is." I cried as Cleo cupped my face, but I still didn't open my eyes. "I remember it all."