It is okay to let go sometimes. Leaving behind something you thought was good for you is sometimes the better option. Everyone always says that walking away or running from something is a weakness, but it can be one of the most powerful things someone does. It doesn't always seem like that, though. Sometimes, leaving a desire or relationship behind can be one of the hardest things to do. It can feel like you're abandoning a good part of your life for selfish reasons or personal gain.
Personal gain isn't always selfish. Everything relies on your surroundings and the environment you are within. Personal gain can be healing from your past or getting over the mental wounds you endured. Not everything you do for yourself is selfish, which is a concept that can be deemed controversial or as an excuse, but it's the truth.
People tend to fixate on love and ignore the signs that you need to leave. If you are too focused on the relationship at hand and trying to repair what could never be fixed, insanity will become a good friend. Stepping away from something, or more so, someone, for your well-being is brave, not cowardice. Allowing that person time to grow and reflect on the wrongdoings they've committed and learn can be the rainfall needed to cure a drought.
That doesn't stop it from hurting.
-----
Lyra winced as the crust on her eyes broke when she went to open the grassy green things inside of her head. That would have to be her least favourite part of the past week. The pain was something beyond words, and it made her stomach churn. Though that might not be true, it's what she's been telling herself to cope with the rest of the day ahead of her. If she were honest, it was the neverending ache deep within her chest as she longed to wake up within his arms once again. Of course, that wouldn't happen; he had made it abundantly clear.
Sirius had been blacklisted from the Gryffindor common room the moment he finished the sentence that broke the impenetrable heart of Lyra Potter. Remus had hoisted the man up by his neck like a mother dog scrutinizing her pup. The lycanthrope wasted no time dropping the Black son out front of the dorm entrance, telling the Fat Lady not to let him back in no matter how hard he pleaded. That night, Lyra spent the entire time curled within Remus's arms in utter shock at the events that had occurred.
It had taken Remus and Frank Longbottom to hold James back from finding Sirius the next day and hammering the ever-loving shit out of him. Lyra had wanted to let her twin run wild, watch as the entire castle burned with the rage of James Potter dropping matches into gasoline. In all honesty, it took her three days to get over the sheer shock of the rejection. She regretted everything that the two had ever spoken about, the arrow in her chest now dripping with poison from the tip.
Sirius ran his fingers up and down the blonde's bare arm, relishing in the silence that shrouded them. She let out a gentle sigh as the pure serenity of the moment, enjoying the way the boy's chest rose and fell with her head resting on it. Lyra hadn't felt peace like this in ages, and she wanted nothing more than to bottle up the moment she was living in and keep it by her side so she could escape into it at any point.
The younger Potter twin dug the heels of her palms into her eyes as the memory washed over her. It had been the same one that kept haunting her at night, opening the floodgates to the memories that followed her around. All of them were of her with a happy smile, whispering sweet nothings as Sirius reassured her that he was in love with her, that he wanted her. Perhaps it was all another ploy of his, this time, it was to get into her pants and under her sheets.
"You're up early," Lily's voice hummed as she stepped into the dorm room, wandering towards the blonde and opening the window next to her bed, "I'm not used to seeing you awake before lunch ends."
"Is this supposed to be a comforting moment?"
"I'm sorry," Lily chuckled, taking a seat next to Lyra, "How're you doing?"
It had been two weeks since the startling change in Lyra's life relationships. She lost Regulus not only as a fake boyfriend, but it appeared that he was no longer willing to be her friend either. Perhaps her suspicions were correct, and he was just using her to complete whatever task the Dark Lord had laid out for him. Sirius was no longer in anyone's lives; it seemed; he sat away from the group and never showed his face in the common room. Lyra couldn't help but wonder where it was he was staying. Rumour had it him and Scarlett had called it quits anyway, despite the one reason they would have was laying in bed with a shattered heart.
Lyra glanced down at herself when her mind returned to her head. Her chest was sunken in, and her fingers were far bonier than she remembered. She only ever wandered into the Great Hall for dinner, and it was usually dessert by the time she got there. Classes had been a drag, and she spent most of the time sleeping, seeing as she didn't get much of it at night when the lights were out, and the voices in her head were loud. Whatever it was that Lyra had discovered about herself all those weeks ago seemed to have come to a screaming halt. She hadn't been able to hear a single thought from anyone since Sirius humiliated her.
"I'm okay," she lied, looking up at the redhead as the pregnant tears returned to her eyes, "All things considered, that is."
"You're a terrible liar."
"I'm horrible at poker."
"I know. You still owe me ten sickles...and Marlene five galleons."
Lyra chuckled softly at her friend's quips, leaning forward and resting her forehead on the ginger's shoulder. Lily reached her arm around and ran her hand carefully along the blonde's spine, noticeably wincing at the prominence of it. Lyra knew that she most likely looked like a skeleton and laughed at the irony of her outside, finally matching the emptiness she felt within. She had always struggled to communicate with words, and it seemed as though her body were finally taking the idea of wearing your emotions on your sleeve literally.
"He said he loved me, Lily."
"I know...he told me that too."
-----
"Up we get," Marlene and James grunted as the former tugged the comforter off the blonde and the latter scooped up his sister into his arms.
It had been another week since Lyra had lived her life correctly, totalling in close to a month of self-pity and wallowing. Every day, another person from the friend group came in and talked to her for two hours, brought her food, and repeated that for the day. Lyra knew the damaging cycle would have to stop; it wasn't fair to anyone that she continued her downward spiral. She had lost an unhealthy amount of weight, and her mental health seemed to become a nonexistent fever dream that she had once known.
She didn't want to walk away from what happened or get better. She wanted to feel that hurt because she believed herself to be deserving. She had done awful things and lied to people, lied to herself. What Sirius had done to Lyra, the latter had done to the former's brother just moments before. She had destroyed his entire world with a few simple words contradicting those that they would whisper to one another at night. This was Lyra's punishment for her heinous acts of indecency towards the people around her.
"No, let me wallow!" She groaned, throwing her head back.
"Nope, you need a shower," James gagged as he set his sister down onto her feet inside the bathroom, "Marlene, care to explain to my sister what we're doing today."
"We aren't doing anything, James," Marlene corrected, turning towards Lyra, "You're going on a date."
"A what?" Lyra scoffed.
"Well, not a date date," Marlene corrected, "But Remus is taking you out to Hogsmeade for the day. Making you feel special, platonically."
Lyra sighed, barely able to contain her smile at the act of kindness by one of her best friends. She wondered if he was aware of the horrible things she had done to Regulus or where she was over the winter break. After all, she had lied to everyone in her friend group about what she was doing. Perhaps Remus, of all people, would be understanding of her motives. She didn't do anything horrid as in physically harming people, but she also kept this secret from them all for a while. It wasn't something small either; she had acted chummy alongside Voldemort. And Pierre knew this, no doubt waiting for the right time to reveal it.
The words sat on the tip of her tongue, waiting to spill everything to her brother and close friend. Both looked at the blonde expectedly, waiting for her to fight the idea of going out. Guilt sat heavily on her heart at the thought of continuing the lies, but she worried about the consequences that would follow after.
"Tell Moony I'll be ready in an hour."
An almost to the minute, an hour later, Lyra blew air from her lips as she tugged a multi-patterned jumper over her head, tucking the front into the oversized blue jeans she wore. She ran her fingers through her hair, teasing out the ends a bit and adding more volume to the overall style. Staring at herself in the mirror, Lyra didn't fully understand who was looking back at her. The girl she saw had a significant black mark in the centre of her chest, piercing through the jumper. Green venom dripped through it as the rest of her body appeared grey and littered with prominent blue veins.
A knock at the door shook the image from her mind.
Lyra felt her heartbeat return to normal as she took one last glance at herself in the mirror, the arrow within her heart gone, and skin returned to its normal pale state. She tucked the blonde strands behind her ears and reached for the bathroom door, tugging it open. The arrow returned to her chest, but she felt it this time instead of seeing it.
"Hi."
"I don't want to talk to you," Lyra hissed as she stormed around the boy, grabbing a light jean jacket from her bedpost as she hurried to the door.
"Lyra, please–"
"No, nope, no thank you," Lyra seethed, throwing open the dorm room door and tugging the jacket onto her frame, "I'm not diong this with you."
Lyra wanted to tug out her wand and hex Sirius into the next dimension, sending him so far away from her that she forgot who he was. If she had it her way, the blonde would storm to Dumbledore's office and demand he takes away her memories of him just as he undoubtedly had when she wandered into Peter's mind all those weeks ago. Even nearing the end of term, Lyra couldn't pinpoint what it was that she had seen in the mind of the Pettigrew boy.
"Lyra, Pierre th–"
"NO!" Lyra exclaimed as the two reached the bottom of the staircase, startling the others who waited by the fire, no doubt having no idea Sirius had managed his way into the girls dorm, "No, Sirius! You don't get to blame someone else for what you did! Not this time."
Silence fell over the entire room as even those uninvolved with the Marauders tuned in to hear the explosion that was two of the students with the most significant anger issues going head to head. Lyra felt like a bear thrown into the ring, circling a wolf as spectators watched on with bets in their hands in hopes in their hearts. Everything was all too similar to the argument that drove a significant wedge between Lyra and her twin as she and Sirius squared off for everyone to see. Lyra loaded her arrow into her quiver and aimed to shoot.
"Lyra, I need you to listen, please."
"No," she whispered, head shaking, "No, you do not get to do this again. You don't get to make me think you care. You don't get to act like this is anyone else's fault but your own. I've thrown everything out the window for you. I gave up my chances at ending this war because I was in love with you. I did unthinkable things because I was in love with you, Sirius Black!
"Everything I've done over the last year has been for you. I put my own damn life at risk to take down the people that almost killed you. I worked alongside the most heinous people in the Wizarding World because it was easier than being in love with you.
"But you don't care. You got what you wanted, didn't you? You got a quick shag out of me, just like all of the other people. I entwined myself with the Dark Lord, for you."
"...What?"
"I never actually dated Regulus, but he loved me more than you ever did."
"Lyra?" As he walked in from the entrance, Remus's voice called, "...You ready to go?"
The look of heartbreak and pain the flashed across Sirius's face let Lyra know there was no longer a game of roulette. This was a game of who could shoot close enough to the others heart. It seemed that Lyra had the upper hand now, the poisoned arrow in her chest becoming the ammunition she used to take down the low bearing fruit that was set out to kill her.
"Yeah...I'm ready to go."