(Okay this is purely indulgent, but, AU where you and Gojo have a podcast where you read fanfiction about yourselves. Like "Awsten + Travis' Slumber Party". I am hilarious.)
"Welcome," Gojo sings into his microphone, mouth pushing against it and making the sound come out muffled. "Welcome. Welcome."
You grimance, pulling your headphones away from your ears for a moment before situating yourself in front of your own mic.
"Welcome," you continue, effectively shutting Gojo up, "you freaky fuckers."
"Freaky!"
"Are you going to sing everything in this episode?"
"I wasn't going to- But I can."
"No," you take a breath, fiddling with the computer in front of you and opening a new tab. "You know what we do here, and if you don't, just leave because this is going to make your day worse."
"What do you mean, this is a treat!"
"I go home and cry after every episode. Literal tears."
"I masturbate. Raw dog that shit wherever I can," he says proudly, his laughs barely hidden under his breath.
"Alright."
"Anyway! Today we have a fanfic about Y/N and Nanami, because apparently y'all love that shit."
"And I'm fine with it, the man is beautiful."
"Am I not beautiful?" Gojo questions, patting his chest.
"No. Do you want to start reading or-"
"Rude!" He clears his throat, leaning over your shoulder to pull the computer between you. "So this is titled Up His Ass Eating a Ham Sandwich."
"Which is literally horrifying."
"And it starts with Y/N's point of view, that's what this little author note thing says here."
"Should I read the part in my point of view?" You ask, sniffing slightly and voice coming out fainter as you turn to look at Gojo.
He hums in thought, before shaking his head. "Nah, I wanna do it. I make a fantastic you."
"I'm going to kill myself."
"'I have an affinity for ham sandwiches. They're tender, sometimes wet, and mix so delicately with the dryness that surrounds them.' This is going to turn into an innuendo so fast. Do you think he's gonna fuck you through a ham sandwich? Vice versa?"
You put your head in your hands. "Dear lord, the mental image I have right now."
"Wait! This next line explains, 'I've always wanted to bang while eating a ham sandwich,' that's boring, you're just gonna be eating one, 'but I haven't found anyone to do it with.'"
"Main life goal: Finding someone to fuck while I munch on a delectable ham sandwich."
"Hammy sammy, if you will."
"I won't."
Gojo huffs, leaning in farther and skimming to the next line.
"'That's when I met Nanami. The tall, slice of hotness rolled up in a soft encasing of my own heart that now only beats for him.'"
"This is inaccurate, I am not this poetic," you protest, sticking up a finger.
"I'm still not over soft encasing of my own heart, that's the most beautiful line I've ever read. I'm getting it tattooed."
"Let's get matching ones."
"On our ass cheeks."
"Fuck yeah," you reach a hand up, gaining a high-five from the man.
"Okay I'm gonna keep reading," Gojo clears his throat, humming to himself for a moment before continuing. "'However, I know that my love is unrequited.'"
"Aw."
"'I don't even know if he likes ham sandwiches!' That's a valid concern to have, 'But, nevertheless, I'm going to find a way to make him mine.'"
"I genuinely admire my determination in this."
"Yeah, although it's super inaccurate," Gojo teases.
You slap him behind the head, snorting when he whines and swats at your hands.
"Wait, dude, did you see that new sandwich shop that opened up like... ten minutes from your place?" You ask suddenly, whipping out your phone.
"No! We have to go right after this."
"Yeah, hold on," you open up a browser, quickly finding the restaurant and shoving your phone in his face. "Doesn't it look fire?"
"I think I understand this fanfiction more now, these sandwiches do look fuckable."
"Okay," you grab your phone back, setting it on the counter, "maybe we won't go."
"Y/N!"
"I'll continue reading. 'The first thing I do is try to get him to love ham sandwiches the way I do. With the fire, the passion of a thousand suns combined.'"
"I love this."
"'But that doesn't work. No matter how seductivly and actively I eat them, he always looks the other way. Even that one time I practically fingered it,'" you mime a gag under your breath, ignoring the way Gojo laughs at your expense. "'But today I have a new idea. And this time it's going to work."
"Oh~ It goes to Nanami's point of view now!"
"If he heard this shit I'm pretty sure we'd be brutally murdered," you cackle.
"I wouldn't mind."
"... Ditto."
"'Y/N is sexy.' Oh shit! He's into you, what a plot twist. 'And the way they gobble those ham sandwiches... It's nearly impossible to keep my hands to myself.'"
"Gobble."
"'Recently, I've noticed that they seem to share my less than holy feelings. Making eyes with me from across the room as they tenderly lick the crust of the sandwich.'"
"This story needs to be put in a mental hospital, dear fuck. I'm still thinking about gobble."
"'Although, the sandwich isn't near as appealing as their body. They way it dances in the sun, catching the attention of all the sandwich makers who walk the street. For some reason I think I'm special. That maybe I could be the right man, despite not even being a sandwich maker.'"
"Hold on I need to read this next line," you snort softly, "'I want Y/N to look at me the way they eye fuck those ham sandwiches. Undressing the bread, pulling apart every silky wet slice of ham so that it can melt along their tounge. If they'd take me like that, for all I am individually, I'd let them have me as my whole as well. Just like those sandwiches.'"
"I'm shedding tears at this, actual tears. This is beautiful. An actual masterpiece written by the lord."
"Woah, he's not even lying. There are tears."
"Wait, Y/N, why is there no more after this?"
"Huh?" You pause, your eyes wondering to the computer and hand coming up to click the touch pad a couple times. Then you hum. "This is part one, it's supposed to be a cliffhanger."
"Oh. Well that's depressing."
"I think it's set up well, this is almost an introduction. We, as readers, were exposed to the feelings on both characters and the contrast of how they want to approach the situation."
"I like ham sandwiches," Gojo says, cutting your analysis off.
"I know you do. Okay, so we'll be back after a word from our sponsors."
"Which is literally just Y/N talking about merch."
"Valid," you shout, leaning away from the microphone and moving to take a sip from your water.
"So... Want to make this story a realit-"
You dump the water on his head in one fluid motion.
(Inspired by my instagram post, because I put the location as "Up your ass eating a ham sandwich" since apparently it's a place. I want to go.)