It was two weeks now since Levi left with his squad and Eren to the village outside of Trost where he wanted to train with their mysterious titan boy and resolve the secret surrounding his abilities. All of them were there, except for Sophie. The truth was - she was the reason why he was so eager to leave their main HQ as he wanted to give her the space that she clearly needed. Yes, it was giving him pain - not knowing what she was up to and how she was, but he knew that dragging her with him to this place won't help their situation. It was the only reason why he separated from her on his own. But even though he did that, he still hoped that she would come to visit him one day. He hoped that she would enter his room and lean onto him, kissing him hard and telling him how much she missed him. It was all that he wanted. Unfortunately, time had passed and there was still no sign of her on the horizon.
One day he was sitting in his room, drinking the tea when Gunther came inside to announce something to him. "What is it?" Levi asked.
"There's a horse coming our way and I spotted our cloak," he informed him.
"Our cloak? Did you recognize the person?" Suddenly Levi got more interested, his heart pounding hard in excitement as he hoped that it would be her. His precious woman that broke his heart recently.
"No, captain" he shook his head. "But whoever it is, they will come soon and we'll find out".
Levi couldn't wait patiently in his room and went outside, trying to spot the person's face. Please let it be her, he hoped. Dammit. It wasn't Sophie. It was Erwin. Of course it was him. He promised to check on them when he'll have less work. "You don't look very happy to see me," he grinned at Levi when he finally arrived and got off his horse.
"I would be more happy if we get to the business quickly," Levi rolled his eyes to which Erwin sighed. He expected Levi to be huffy as he knew that he and Sophie had troubles recently. Why else would they separate and why would he inform Erwin that Sophie will stay in the main HQ for a while? It was the only explanation.
"As you wish. How's Eren?"
"Still not handling it well. Four-eyes is pushing him a lot, though,"
"As she should. Are those experiments that she makes with him promising?"
"It's hard to tell, really. Sometimes he has troubles transforming completely and I didn't see Hange figuring it out yet"
Erwin appreciated this quick briefing. Indeed, it was important to not waste time. Especially considering his new plan for an expedition. "Do you think he'll be ready for an expedition?"
"Have you planned one already?" Levi arched his eyebrow as he looked at him with question in his eyes. It wasn't really like Erwin to talk about his plans so openly, even if they were affecting the whole unit. No, Erwin liked to circle around the subject and keep people in the blind spot. Levi believed that it was like this because it helped Erwin to be in control of a situation. When people were surprised by his orders it didn't give them time to figure out something that would mess with his plans. Smart.
"Yes, I have," he admitted so care-free that it made Levi wonder whether he had another plan within the main plan. It sounded nuts, yet he couldn't stop himself from suspecting exactly this. That's what Erwin got him used to. "I would like to start it within a week or two and I expect all of my soldiers to attend it with their respected squads,"
"I don't know if I can guarantee you that," Levi crossed arms on his chest and Erwin wanted to say something to him, but they got interrupted by Hange.
"What can't you guarantee?" she asked, making them turn their faces into her direction. Levi wasn't happy to see her. He didn't know people to know about his troubles with Sophie. Sure, they could make their own theories about it, but why make yourself vulnerable? It was better to not address it and that's how Levi wanted to navigate this problem, but of course Erwin and Hange didn't want to leave it as they both believed that two weeks was enough time for space. If they didn't find a solution for their problems in this amount of time it meant that they needed help.
"Nothing-" Levi huffed. "Don't you have some tests to run on this brat?"
"We're just taking a break. Eren's not in a mood,"
"I'm not in the mood either, but that doesn't mean I'm lazy about my job,"
"So what's that nothing ?" Hange asked, ignoring Levi's previous words much to his discontent.
"Completing his squad, I suppose," Erwin said, crossing his arms as well. Normally he wouldn't involve Hange in someone else's private matter, but this time he needed help. He had a lot of work recently due to the government, pressuring him because of Eren. He couldn't focus properly on resolving whatever kind of conflict this couple had.
"Ohhh, yeah that makes sense. Sophie's not here and she didn't want to come here with me either. Why?"
"Tsk, if you want to talk crap about me and her than do it like normal people would do - behind my fucking back," he growled and left the hallway, heading back to his room.
Erwin and Hange exchanged looks full of concern before they spoke. "I don't think he's going to talk about it," Hange said.
"I think so too," Erwin smiled in a way that was giving away how exhausted he was, not only with these two's drama, but in general. "I can't afford their fights to mess with our next expedition. We'll try to use Eren as a weapon for the first time," he explained.
"I would like to have Sophie here with me as well. She's a great company, you know?" she asked, to which Erwin replied with are-you-serious look. "And of course her sketches are great. It would be amazing for our research!" she added quickly.
"Maybe you should get yourself a few days off? You'll visit her in the HQ and Eren will get time to cool off. What do you think?" Erwin tried to present it as a suggestion rather than order. He liked planting ideas in her head, because he noticed that whenever someone wasn't directly an order she was putting more effort into it.
"I think that will do. I'll leave Mobby here to monitor Eren's potential progresses"
﹡﹡✹﹡﹡
Sophie was spending time in her room. It was late afternoon already and the only time that she left her room was when she went to the canteen to eat and when she sneaked to the training field to exercise. She was doing that early in the morning when most of the soldiers were still in their beds. She was only allowed to stay in here, away from her squad, due to health reason - her recent injury. She healed it way earlier, but if she didn't keep on pretending they would send her off to Levi and she wasn't ready to face him yet. Besides, if she stopped pretending they wouldn't give her more painkillers and she really liked taking them. Yes, Levi was far away and so was her anger, but she just couldn't help it. She felt as if she was only safe while taking them and whenever she missed her dose she was getting nervous. It was easy to get lost in taking them while Levi was away from her. He was the only person that was scolding her for taking them in the first place.
Levi. She missed him. She missed him so damn much. All that she could think of was him. His voice. His face. How messy his hair was in the morning and how much he cared about her. It was filling her heart with yearning and sadness, because she knew that she was the reason why she couldn't get more of those moments with him. She was the only reason why she was deprived from his company right now. She almost killed him and she couldn't take back time, even though she desperately wanted to. The only remedy she could do for that was to distance herself from him, to never repeat that awful mistake of attacking him. No matter how hard it was to stop herself from taking a horse and riding straight to the place where he currently was.
She chugged a wine that she had in her cup. It was her second bottle that day. She couldn't deal with her emotions. She needed to cut herself off. Otherwise she would hurt herself. Her guilt was far too big to not be affected by it. Taking meds or drinking was her only solution as long as she took or drank enough to have the whole world spinning in front of her eyes. Only in those moments she was getting partial relief.
Suddenly she heard a loud knock on her door and it baffled her. She didn't expect anyone. The only people that dared to visit her in her room weren't in the HQ right now. Maybe it was Mike? He liked to grab a drink from time to time and he was often inviting her to be his company. He was the only person that she had interactions with these days ever since Erwin left to visit Levi.
"Come in," she said and cleared her throat as she was worried that her voice would give away how sad she was. Every thought about Levi was ending like this.
"Hi Sophie!" Hange smiled and waved at her as she came inside and closed the door behind her. Sophie blinked a few times, completely surprised to see Hange. "You're not happy to see me?" she pouted her lips, pretending that she was offended.
Sophie rolled her eyes, but smirked right after that and stepped closer to hug Hange. "Weren't you supposed to be with Levi?" she asked, trying really hard to sound as casual as possible. Hange's smile became wider as Sophie mentioned him.
"It didn't take you long to ask about him," she laughed and Sophie blushed. She was embarrassed for her reaction. "Oh, come on. You miss him, right?"
"I do," she sighed after a long pause. She was too exhausted and too drunk to pretend and act stupid about things that were obvious to apparently everyone.
"Then why are you hiding in here? I bet that your injury is long gone now, huh?" she asked her and looked around her room as she waited for Sophie to say something. "That's a pretty big first aid kit," she whistled when she leaned over her drawer and spotted a jar full of pills. She didn't care to hide them anymore. "You're going to use it in a bar that you're going to open?"
"What?" Sophie asked confusedly, snapping back to reality.
"That's a lot of alcohol," Hange explained as she grabbed one of the bottles of wine that were stored in the corner of the room. "Is that why you're here? You were fighting with Levi about it?"
"Why are you asking me about it?" Sophie asked suddenly. She was getting upset, it was obvious. Hange couldn't blame her, but as much as she didn't want to pressure her friend, she still wanted to help her and Levi. And how would she do that if she didn't get to the core of the problem? "I don't want to talk about it," she added, her voice started to break and a single tear flew down her face. She wiped it quickly, but Hange noticed it anyway.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I just want to help you," she said softly as she sat on her bed and patted the place next to her. Sophie sobbed, but sat with her anyway. She was so different now that she was drunk, definitely less defensive and snarky. She didn't resemble Levi as usual. She didn't resemble a tough girl from the Underground that she tried to be. No, right now she was a fragile girl that was clearly going through something big and couldn't deal with it on her own. She desperately needed help and Hange was there to give her just that. "Besides, your relationship problems are driving us insane," she joked.
Sophie chuckled through tears. "There's no relationship," she shook her head as she sighed. She surprised Hange, but even though she wanted to scream what and ask for more details, she remained calm and waited for Sophie to open up more. Luckily for her, she drank enough wine to speak honestly and ignore the feeling of shame. "I screwed it up, Hange," she was playing with her hands as she was talking, her body slightly shaking, thus Hange threw her arm around her body to give her comfort, but Sophie didn't even seem to notice it.
"If you did he wouldn't be more grumpy than usual. Trust me, I have that pleasure to see him every day," her words made Sophie laugh a bit again.
"Lucky you," she said with a clear sadness in her voice and she looked down on her feet. "I can't be around him even if I want to,"
"Why?" Hange frowned. She was caught off guard and didn't understand a thing about it yet.
Sophie took a deep breath and grabbed a half empty bottle. She played with it in her hand for a while before she chugged a liquid from it and spoke. The drunker she was the more she wanted to get this off her chest. Things were getting out of hand these days and she was desperate to find the solution. She couldn't find one herself, so maybe Hange would have it? She hoped for that. The only thing that seemed like a way out of it was killing herself before she could do that to him. And he was the exact reason why she couldn't do it. It would hurt him too much and she promised herself to avoid hurting him at all costs. "I'm too angry. Last time we...I...I snapped...I snapped bad," she shook her head and hid her face in her palms. She felt how Hange started rubbing her back, trying to give her comfort. "I almost hurt him, Hange," she bursted in tears again and she had trouble calming down. If she didn't drink Hange would have probably given her a calming serum, but it was too strong to take while under the influence. Maybe it was better that she didn't give her anything, because words were now coming out of her at a fast pace, revealing more information. "I believed that I can be...calm, even if I...if I don't take anything," she shook her head again. "I was stupid. I just attacked him like some monster,"
"So you're not talking with him because you attacked him while sober?" she asked for clarity and Sophie nodded. "How many pills or drinks do you usually have?"
"A lot," she mumbled while trying to count them. "No less than five a day I guess,"
"And how long do you have this lifestyle?"
"A few," she said awkwardly. It felt good to talk about it, yet it was making her vulnerable. She needed another drink. She grabbed the bottle and finished it.
"Well, then I'm not surprised that you were aggressive,"
"What?" Sophie looked at her confusedly, thinking that maybe she misheard her.
"After years of taking meds or drinking your system developed...fondness to it. So when you're not giving your body its usual dose it gets explosive and it can make you act as if you weren't yourself. Does it sound familiar?"
"V-very," she admitted.
"There's your answer. Take it easy, Sophie. Give your system time. Try to take less and less and don't cut it off completely out of nowhere. That's why you got a terrible result. You're not a monster,"
Now it all made sense. Hange lit the path that was dark for so long now, she gave her hope. Sophie reminded herself that Levi suggested the same damn thing - to do it step by step, to slowly lower the dosage that she was usually taking. And she didn't want to listen to him. Heck , she ignored it completely. She was ashamed of that, but at least she could go now and apologize to him. She could make it up to him. She could go and be his. At least she hoped so. No, she truly believed that. Just like Levi wanted her to. She believed that this was the solution.