When Sophie calmed down entirely Erwin already left her room. She was alone with Levi who was still caressing her hair, making her want to close her eyes again and enjoy his firm, yet gentle touch. She realised that she was clutching her hands on his shirt and she blushed, pulling away from him, much to his discontent.
He loves those rare moments of closeness, her touch on his body. It was everything he could count on from time to time. Of course, he prefered when those moments happened in more positive situations, but he wasn't going to complain that she leaned on him, not Erwin. She chose him to give her comfort. He was only a friend, but a friend that was allowed to get closer with her than a man that she was in a relationship with.
"Where's Erwin?" she asked, it was the first thing she said to him after she calmed down. It hurt. But he didn't show her that. Instead, he kept his usual, unbothered and stoic look that for some reason was keeping her at peace.
"He had to go. Work stuff" he explained and she nodded. Of course, he had to work. He was the commander, he couldn't abandon it just for her and she understood that. It would be unreasonable of her to demand him to be with her while she was the one that leaned to Levi. The truth was, she wasn't bothered about him leaving. She wasn't happy either. She was just...indifferent, accepting that Erwin had much more important things on his mind than whatever kind of bullshit she was pulling off. Bullshit that she was pulling for Levi only.
Ironically, she was feeding herself with those pills that put her into such a state, just for him, while he was the one that kept on holding her when she experienced side effects of taking them. But damn, having him sitting with her and looking at her felt worth it all. It didn't make sense, though. Why push yourself to such limits just to maintain a friendship? Old her would laugh at her for that and poke her on her head to show her how stupid it was. But she didn't care. Survey Corps' Sophie didn't care how much it takes to keep a friendship. He would do anything for him. Especially knowing how patiently he was taking all those months of her not talking with him and wishing him the worst. Drugging herself was the least she could do to make herself able to spend time with this angel of a man.
"Understand" she gathered enough courage to smile at him, but he didn't return it. He wasn't able to. Everything about this situation was worrying him.
"Sophie, what brought you to reaction like this?" he asked quietly. Her heart beat sped up due to anxiety as she didn't want to give him a direct answer.
"What are you talking about?" she decided to act as if she didn't know what he meant, which only irritated him and caused him to sigh impatiently.
"You screamed and froze in place. It wasn't normal. Don't try to fool me" he shook his head and now she was the one to sigh.
"I don't want to talk about this" she said cagily and he glared at her, his eyes hard to read. It took him a good few minutes to answer. She felt like a little girl, who was reprimanded just by his look. "At least not now" she added, hoping that it would help and indeed it did.
"Fine" he nodded finally, letting it go. "But I won't let you avoid that talk forever" he warned her and she nodded in response.
"I need to find Erwin now" she mumbled, feeling that she wouldn't be able to keep an eye contact with him anymore, his eyes were always making her mind feel naked, her thoughts exposed as if he was taking off the layers she put on herself - walls built for defence. He always seemed to know how to finagle them and read her. Sometimes it felt overwhelming, like now. She needed to leave this room and go to Erwin.
Levi didn't make her stay with him, even though he wanted to. If the choice belonged to him he would pull her right into his arms and urge her to be with him and don't give a damn about Erwin. He would make her forget about him and everything else in this world if she only let him. Alas, she didn't. So he didn't protest, humbly accepting her decision to chase after this unworthy man.
She left the room and searched for Erwin. She went to his office and found him there - sitting at his desk, focused on paperwork. At least, that's how it looked. The truth was he had a hard time to focus, still thinking about what happened to her. He only raised his head to look at her when she cleared her throat. He was honestly surprised to see her here the very same day. He thought she would stay in Levi's arms till morning. "Can I stay with you?" she asked and he hesitated with his answer. He had a hard time focusing after she pulled off that action. He was worried about her and letting her stay with him would conclude in him having to check on her. If she was somewhere else Levi would probably accompany her, not leaving her side even for a second, checking on her regardless of the work that was waiting for him. Erwin couldn't afford that luxury, this unit depended on the amount of work he was putting in those files.
"You can, but I'm busy" he said, his tone slightly blank, professional even, which sounded odd. She wasn't used to that, his voice was usually warmer, but not now.
"Okay, then maybe I'll come later? To check if you're done with your work?" she asked haltingly.
He smiled at her, even though it was a smile of someone exhausted rather than happy. "Sounds good" he nodded, so she left his room and went back to her own, hoping to spend some time with him later. But she didn't. She had trouble catching him the next day as well, and another, and one after that.
It was almost as if he was avoiding her, giving her only a small amount of attention - a light kiss on her forehead or a hug in private. But he kept on working which was making her anxious about their relationship. She wasn't frustrated though, not even angry or sad. She just wanted to know where they were standing, because she wouldn't stand Levi's glare at her and Erwin if she wasn't getting anything from that. Why torture this man with her relationship if it wasn't a proper relationship?
This situation lasted for about two weeks until she finally found Erwin looking at her, giving her attention. "Can we talk?" he asked as he approached her in the canteen and her food almost stuck in her throat due to surprise. She didn't expect him to show her any interest soon. Heck, she didn't expect anything from him at this point other than brief displays of affection when he finished one work and was about to start another. She was baffled.
"Now?" she asked. It was a stupid question, yet seemed justified.
"Yes. It can wait though, if you have something else scheduled"
"No," she said quickly. "I was about to meet with Hange, but it can wait"
"Not with Levi?" he arched an eyebrow and she looked at him with question in her eyes. "I thought you're better friends with him than Hange" he explained, seeing her face.
"I ugh...got close with Hange recently" she said awkwardly as she scratched her head, averting his eyes. It was true - she and Hange got closer lately, being in her squad caused that. But what was also true was that normally she would choose Levi's company rather than hers. Levi was much calmer, letting her sleep on his legs and didn't force her to talk when she didn't want to. Perfect company for someone like Sophie. Although, she was kind of avoiding him. She wasn't ready to talk with him about that day when she was screaming while laying limply on her bed. She felt as if she couldn't lie to this man - both because he would catch that immediately and because it felt utterly wrong to be dishonest with him.
"Good, our talk can wait then" he smiled at her, ready to leave the canteen, but she stopped him.
"Wait" she called for him, causing him to stop. She could swear that he sighed exhaustingly as she said that. "Let's talk before you'll be unavailable for another two weeks" she chuckled bitterly as she left the canteen and headed straight to his room. He followed her and she could feel how tense he was.
"Is that bothering you?" he asked.
"A little" she admitted.
"You know that I can't leave my work for later and-"
"I know" she interrupted him, a little impatiently. "I'm mostly bothered because it seems like work is just an excuse" she finally said what she had in mind for at least a week now. They were standing next to the door to his room, his hand on the handle as he looked at her with an obscure facial expression that she couldn't read at all.
"Let's go inside" he said in a blank way and her heart pounded harder due to nervousness. She was sure that this talk wasn't about work. No, if it was about work he wouldn't suggest she go to Hange first. He wouldn't stall it for so long.
"You want to talk about us, don't you?" she asked quietly, biting her lip so hard that it almost bleeded. She hated this.
"I do," he said awkwardly. She has never seen him so self-conscious before, it was almost weird, making her focus on this rather than the topic that was about to start.
"Alright, let's talk then" she sighed as she leaned on his desk, propping her hands on the surface and looking at him, her eyes giving away how tired she was. It made him realise that avoiding her for two weeks wasn't probably a good idea. It was exhausting for both him and her. He was acting like a coward, something that the commander wasn't allowed to act as. He had to make it right, now.
"How are you feeling?" he asked suddenly. She was puzzled, she didn't expect to hear that question.
"I'm...fine?" she said slowly.
"Are you asking or answering?" for a moment she saw on his face his usual amused look, but it was quickly replaced with concern which she hated to see. He was looking at her with pity. Something she didn't want to see at all.
"Sorry, but I don't understand why this question" she shook her head.
"Sophie" he said firmly, the look in his eyes was telling her don't play this game with me. She sighed. She should've known better. He could read people better than anyone. Heck, he saw her in that terrible state for which she was so ashamed. "Are you going to tell me what happened that night?"
She bit her lip again, thinking about it. Should she tell him? How would he react? Knowing Erwin he wouldn't appreciate the fact that one of his soldiers is using drugs for such a mere reason as maintaining a friendship. Mere reason for him at least. He would advise or maybe even demand her to stop taking it and she couldn't. She wasn't going to resign from it, not for the cost of her relationship with Levi.
"You won't tell me, are you?" he asked when he saw how silent she was. She shook her head in confirmation, just as he expected. "I see. I want you to know that whatever you're taking I don't want it to repeat. I won't risk you acting like this during an expedition, it's dangerous to you and other people" he said and she wasn't surprised at all. Of course, he was caring about the job first. Not about her as a person. Personal reasons were always second place for him, his top priority was always related to work and that couldn't be changed, didn't it?
"Noted" she said casually, shrugging her shoulders. He didn't expect her to react so calmly about it. Whenever he acted like this with Marie she would argue with him for taking interest only in his job, not thinking about her the way he should even though it wasn't right. He cared, he cared a lot. But he couldn't allow himself to make it his priority. He would be damned if he did, this whole unit would be damned and hence humanity. He couldn't mix his personal feelings with his work. And those few weeks with Sophie were enough for him to realise that it was almost impossible to not mix it. He would either fail in a relationship or in work. As much as it saddened him, he knew what was the right choice. He was worried about making this choice, but seeing her blank reaction made him a little less uncomfortable with going with it. Maybe he didn't care as much as she should as well.
"I can't take care of that, Sophie. At least not the way I should" he said, shaking his head and her heart beat got steadier as he finally said what she was expecting him to. She saw that coming, she was relieved that it finally happened and that he wasn't going to keep her anxious about it anymore. "Being the commander and being a boyfriend - it's not easy to ace both"
"Yeah, I can see that" she chuckled bitterly and his lips curled up in a sad, apologetic smile. His eyes were sad as well.
"You need someone that can care for you at any time," he added. "And I need someone-"
"That's more independent" she finished for him and he nodded.
"I'm sorry for messing with you like this" he said as he walked closer, his hand rubbed her cheek in an affectionate way that she enjoyed. This gesture wasn't romantic though, and they both knew it. It was a goodbye.
"Don't be. It was nice" she smiled at him and he smiled as well. "We helped each other, you know?" she pointed out hinting on them forgetting about their past lovers and he chuckled, shaking his head.
"I don't think we did entirely. At least not me" he admitted.
"Oh" she didn't expect him to say that. "I'm sorry'
"Don't be" he smiled and placed a kiss on her forehead before he pulled away from her.
"Well, I think I...moved on. So thank you" she said, trying to comfort him, but somehow it didn't help.
"I'm glad, but I don't think that it's because of me" he chuckled again as he sat in his chair, ready to work again. His life was all about the work right now, he wasn't going to complain about it though, he chose that path himself, right now.
"What do you mean?" she asked confusedly. She didn't know what he was hinting on.
"Nothing" he chuckled again, amused by her obliviousness. "Goodnight, Soph"
"Goodnight" she mumbled. She headed towards the door and took one last glimpse at him before she left, knowing that when she would leave that chapter will be closed forever, their relationship won't ever be the same. She should have been sad, right? Alas, she wasn't. She was so painfully indifferent. Was it possible that those pills made her immune to feel emotions as she should? That thought scared her as she left his room.
The idea of being unable to feel was scaring her. She wasn't really effusive, but she never thought of herself as a person that couldn't express feelings. Now it seemed possible and it was making her worried. Worried that she was going to hurt people because of that. Especially Levi. Levi. She couldn't allow herself to hurt him in any way.
As she caught herself thinking about him she took a pill that she kept in her pocket just in case. She didn't want to feel enraged again, just because her brain was making her feel about him instead of Erwin. She should have been thinking about Erwin right now. They broke up. She was supposed to think about him. Not Levi. Yet, Levi was the one that her thoughts were directing to. She couldn't understand it.
She couldn't understand why she knocked on his door either. But she did. She didn't want to stay alone. She didn't want to feel as someone who was lacking emotions. Right now it felt as if Levi was the only person that could bring them out of her.
"Come in" he said and was visibly surprised to see her entering his room. "Are you ready to talk about what happened?" he asked, hinting about that terrible day, but she shook her head and he let it go right away, seeing her facial expression that was telling him she was having something more important in mind. At least more important to her. And if something was more important to her it meant that he should have put the other things for later, dealing with whatever she was experiencing first.
He approached her and caressed her cheeks. He was concerned, she could tell by the sparkles in his eyes that would seem stoic and expressionless for someone else. But not for her, she was always finding depth in them, drowning in them each time. "What's going on?" he asked gently and his fingers slipped down to her chin, cupping her face and urging her to look at him, even though he didn't have to force her for that. She was doing it willingly, finding peace in them as always. She needed that. She needed him, her friend.
"Erwin and I ended...whatever it was" she said awkwardly and his eyes widened in surprise. He didn't expect that to happen. He was happy, he had to admit it. He was so fucking happy right now to learn it. He hated every single day that they were together and now it was finally over. Yet, he couldn't enjoy it entirely. What if Sophie was sad about it? He wouldn't want this to happen even for the cost of his own happiness. She was more important than his selfish desires. Desires that were focusing on her lips right now, desperate for him to kiss her. No, he couldn't do that.
He couldn't help but think if Erwin was stupid? Was he out of his mind? Was he blind? He was having such a precious woman ready to be with him and he threw it away. Levi would never. He would cherish every day of his life if she was his. Erwin was so fucking stupid.
"I'm sorry" he had to fight off the feeling of cringing as he said it.
"Don't be. I'm not" she chuckled bitterly, which made him raise his eyebrow in question. "I don't feel anything," she shook her head. He would sigh with relief if it wasn't for her discontent tone. "I should be sad, I should feel something. What if I can't feel anything at all?" tears gathered in the corners of her eyes and he wanted to kiss them away. Oh, it was frustrating to not be able to do so. All he could do was to hug her and that was exactly what he did, wrapping his hands around her waist and pulling her close. She clutched her hands on his shirt and breathed in his scent, the smell of tea leaves hit her nostrils and she sighed, feeling calm again. She heard how his heart started to beat faster as she ran her fingers on his chest. Knowing that he reacted like this made her own heart flutter. For some unknown reason she felt good.
"It's good that you're not sad. I don't want you to be sad" he said quietly as his fingers brushed the lower part of her back, forcing a quiet gasp of her lips. He ignored it as he thought that he imagined that sound. "It doesn't mean that you can't feel"
"You're right" she nodded as she sighed. "I feel things. I felt back when we weren't talking for that last month" she admitted, mumbling her words as she was ashamed of feeling this way.
He felt bad immediately and slightly pulled away to look her in the eyes. "I'm sorry for that" he said honestly.
"Don't be," she said quickly. "It made me realise...I can't imagine what you have felt when I wasn't talking to you for so long. I am sorry"
"We weren't that close back then"
"But we had no one else" she opposed, shaking her head. "I abandoned you and you stayed. I can't understand why?"
That was the question that Levi was afraid to hear. What was he supposed to say to her? Lie? It was the reasonable thing to do for sure. But he wasn't reasonable that night, learning that she wasn't with Erwin anymore. How long would it take her to find someone else to give her heart to? What if it's his only chance to talk about it? No, he should stay quiet about it. But as he saw her red cheeks, swollen from tears something twinged inside of him.
"Isn't it obvious?" he said awkwardly and she looked at him with a question in her eyes, she was searching his own for answer, hoping to find it. "I have feelings for you, Soph"
Her heart stopped for a moment, only to pound faster and harder than ever. He had feelings for her? How? After all of this? After all of those terrible words she said to him because of the rage that she was keeping away only by drugs? After all those months where she wished for him to be dead? He...had feelings for her? It seemed wrong. And yet it felt...oddly good.
He was staring at her, searching her eyes for an answer. It was bold of him to say it. Maybe too bold. Oh, he was freaking out right now. Scared for her reaction, if she was going to give him any.
"Levi...I..." words stuck in her throat and refused to get out. She couldn't say anything. Nothing seemed right. He had feelings for her. For a person that couldn't spend time with him without either taking drugs or getting pissed drunk. He deserved so much better than putting up with shit like that. He deserved to have feelings for someone that would enjoy his affection freely. "When?" she asked instead. Why was she so curious about it? Why did she want to hear the answer? Why did she want him to talk about it?!
"So long that it's part of me at this point" he smiled slightly, but tensed as he saw that she didn't return his smile. Pain, fucking pain. He was a fool.
She should've kissed him. She should've closed him in a tight hug and told him that she had feelings for him as well. Because she had, didn't she? It was possible, right? How else to explain the way she felt with him - so calm and happy, so complete. But she never thought about it before. She couldn't settle for a possibility. This man deserved someone certain of their feelings. Someone that wouldn't wish to snap his neck while sober. He deserved someone that would kiss him on his perfect lips instead of trying to kill him. Fuck, why couldn't she be normal? Why couldn't he have feelings for someone less fucked up? Why couldn't she accept to be this someone? Because she couldn't, right? It made her heart ache, but it was the only way. She wanted to burst in tears because of it as she realised that to keep him safe she had to fail him.
"I'm sorry" she gasped out, tears falling down her cheeks. He looked at her with visible surprise. He didn't know what was going on. "I'm really sorry Levi. I just...I don't have feelings for you...like that" it was hard to say it, but even harder to hear it.
His whole heart crushed into a thousand little pieces, making him bleed out. His hope was bleeding. He knew it subconsciously. He knew it for a long time. If she felt mutual she wouldn't settle for Furlan nor Erwin, right ? Then why such pain? She just confirmed everything he was thinking before, everything he was afraid of. Stupid, stupid man. Stupid heart. She could never be his. He should have known better than this. "It's alright" he just said, his voice lacking emotion. He was trying really hard to remain as calm as possible.
Her heart got broken too. She broke that man, because it was the right thing to do. She couldn't make it with Furlan nor Erwin. And it was far simpler than it would be with Levi. What kind of chances would she stand in a relationship with him? She couldn't allow herself to lose him as well. She would if she chose to say yes, I have feelings for you too. Kiss me, please. Be mine. Love me Levi and let me love you. No, she couldn't say that. Selfish, emotionless, empty whore. Too afraid of breaking him to actually try. Too afraid of losing him. Too afraid of hurting him. He was far too precious to destroy their friendship. She was such a fucking coward.
"You'll find someone better, Levi" she whispered, trying to stop more tears from falling down her cheeks. "Someone who'll return it" someone who'll be able to wake up next to you without a need to punch you, she added in her mind.
Oh god it hurt. It hurt him so much. He shouldn't have said anything. He should've kept his mouth shut. But he didn't. He chose to speak up about his feelings and now he was regretting it as he wasn't sure what was going to happen between them right now.
He was still holding her, fighting off the urge to cry. He was strong, but not as strong to stay unbothered. How could he? How could he stay unbothered when the woman that was his whole world was telling him that she didn't have feelings for him? A single tear dropped down his cheek and she wiped it off, her heart breaking even more knowing that she was the reason for his tears. It made her cry even more. She was sobbing like a baby, thus he pulled her closer to his chest, despite the void inside him, caused by her refusal.
"Oi, don't cry Soph" he said soothingly. "It's alright. It really is" he whispered, even though it wasn't. It was all so fucking terrible now, only because of him. Of his stupid heart. Heart that was broken by the woman he held now in his arms. Woman that had broken her heart as well just to save him from more pain.