It was early in the morning and Erwin went down to the canteen to eat his breakfast. Just as he entered the place he felt hands around his neck and he tensed, not knowing what's going on. "Happy third anniversary of becoming commander, Commander!" Hange yelled close to his ear and he flinched, not used to someone being this loud this close.
"Hange, don't make it a big deal" he said as he slowly untangled himself from her hold.
"I told her to save it for the fifth anniversary" Moblit said, quickly joining Hange's side. Seems like he didn't soothe her enthusiasm this time.
"How about not celebrating it at all?" he asked, smiling softly.
It has been three years already. Maybe he would be happy about it if that number didn't remind him of something else. He got this position the same year the fall of Wall Maria happened. Instead of being happy that he lasted this long in this position, he was frustrated. That number kept on reminding him that he wasn't as brilliant as people thought he was. If he indeed was a human of a great mind he would have retaken the lost district a long time ago, right? He almost chuckled bitterly thinking about it again. He was thinking, creating plans for retaking this place every day and night, nothing was stopping him from that. All of his attention completely focused on this one goal. Nothing else. How was he supposed to convince the government to fund more equipment to the Survey Corps if they couldn't do the one job they were expected to?
He tensed thinking about this. He grabbed a plate and sat alone, hoping that no one would bother him. He wanted to be alone. He didn't need a company to remind him of how much of a failure he was. He felt as if everyone were thinking the same. Happy third anniversary of becoming commander , they were saying. He thought that they really meant it's been three years and you still didn't save us, what kind of a leader are you? He was asking that question himself. Every single night. His facial features got more sharp during this time due to stress. He looked older. They all did. Only Hange seemed to stay as care-free as she was when she joined the Scouts.
Even Sophie seemed older. Her face stayed young, yet something about her eyes has changed. They were more absent now, sadder as well. She was often drifting away with her thoughts and dark circles under her eyes happened to be her permanent company which was making her similar to Levi. Except that his dark circles were more noticeable. It looked like this man never had a proper sleep. Erwin wouldn't be surprised about that. Hange said that it would explain his constant grumpiness.
"Someone's in a mood today" Sophie said as she joined him at his table. It was rather rare. She often ate with Hange's squad which she was a part of now.
"I had a rough night, it's nothing" Erwin said, averting her eyes. He didn't want her to see how much of a disaster he was right now. "Why aren't you with Hange right now?"
"You know...she can sometimes be a bit-"
"Too much?" He finally looked at her and she smiled, relieved that he abandoned his initial plan to avoid her look. He smiled as well. Maybe she wasn't treating him as a failure after all.
"Yeah" she agreed, chuckling. "She insisted that I should draw titans more precisely, so my hands are in pain lately" she showed him the corns on her fingers. She was lying though. It didn't hurt. At least not after she fed herself with pills that she was now buying regularly, whenever she saved the right amount of money. She had a good opportunity to purchase them when she was visiting the capital as Erwin's companion, his ears and eyes.
Those trips often ended with them kissing heavily at the back of a tavern or in the dark of his or her room. The place wasn't important, they just wanted to feel the closure of each other's bodies. But they never went further than that. He never got a chance to undress her or fill her body. She didn't let him. He was fine with that. I can wait, he said three years ago and he didn't change his mind. It was happening only in the capital anyway. When they were coming back they were forgetting it all. Their little weirdness which they both enjoyed in secret.
'Well, if that can help her figure out a more effective way of killing them it would be nice" he said more to himself than to her, dark thoughts entering his head again which wasn't left unnoticed by Sophie.
"Are you sure that you're okay?" she asked, concern hearable in her voice.
"I am. I'm just thinking about the next expedition"
"Already? We just came from the last one"
"I'm always ahead" he grinned, trying to act normally but he felt as if he was failing. He was a one, big failure himself.
"Which one will it be?" she asked. "32nd?"
"34th actually. I want us to go within a month"
"That's soon. Are you pressured? By commander-in-chief?"
"Zachary doesn't have anything to do with that," he quickly said. "Besides, the government would gladly shut down all of our expeditions," he said grimly.
"I see," she said slowly, thinking about his words. She knew him well at this point. Well enough to know what was hiding behind his words and he knew as well that hiding things from her wasn't a good idea, she was going to realise the truth sooner or later. "You want to retake the Wall before the government decide to shut us down for good"
"Indeed" his smile was sad. He massaged his temple thinking what else to say. "They don't care if their own citizens will have enough space to live as long as their pockets are full of gold" he scoffed.
"Nothing new. They shit on people living underground every day. It's just a matter of time before they'll turn their back on poor abovegrounders. It still sucks though"
He chuckled hearing her summary. "Suck indeed" he agreed, nodding his head. "We need success, Soph."
"I'm afraid that it's going to be hard to achieve" she sighed and he did that as well. She was right and he hated it. He hated being powerless.
"You're right" he sighed as well. "Don't you want to join Levi? Maybe he would be a better companion for you this morning?" he suggested. He didn't want her to look at him when he was in such a state. Normally he wouldn't even suggest she go to Levi. Whenever she was with him she seemed more absent. Happy, but absent. It was bothering him, one of his concerns these last few years and he couldn't allow himself to be concerned about anything else than his job
"He's busy with his squad" she squirmed on her seat and crossed her arms, averting his eyes. Suddenly she was tense. "I don't want to interrupt them"
"Didn't know that he's that sociable" he chuckled, trying to cheer her up, but he failed. She just rolled her eyes and huffed.
"Let's just not talk about it, alright?" she asked. She was in no mood for that. She knew that it was unreasonable of her for acting like this, like a baby, like a brat. But she couldn't help it. Something about Petra was annoying her and she seemed to be his favorite subordinate. He was treating her just the same as he treated Eld, Gunther and Oluo and yet, whenever he talked to her in a normal tone, whenever he looked at her, was around her in general - she was mad.
She was drugging herself to spend time with him. She was losing all of her money to buy pills that could make it possible for her to spend time with him without the urge to punch him, scratch him or kick him. Or worse. And Petra was getting his attention so effortlessly. She was jealous of that. She shouldn't be able to do it without pain. As terrible as her thoughts were, she couldn't make them disappear. She just wanted his attention. If he was going to treat Sophie casually then everyone should be treated worse than her. If he was going to treat them casually then she should be treated better by him. She was selfish and stupid. Unreasonable. Mad. And she didn't understand why. Why was she feeling this way? Only because of the troubles she's been through to be friends with him? That didn't sound like friendship. Demanding him to treat her better or everyone else worse was not good of her. Not friendly. It was as if he wanted for him worse than he deserved. She was a selfish, terrible person.
And she was worried that he would soon realise it. That everyone would realise it.
﹡﹡✹﹡﹡
"Did you sharpen your blades?" Levi asked Oluo as they were about to mount their horses.
"Of course, captain," he huffed.
"What was that about?" Levi asked harshly and Oluo blushed immediately.
"N-nothing, I just..." he mumbled.
"You just what?" Levi asked after, arching his eyebrow. If Oluo could hide from him he would do that gladly.
"I...I thought that sharpening blades is obvious" he ended, afraid of Levi's reaction. Ever since he cut Petra's leg by accident three years ago Levi was harsh with him, making him pay for that one mistake.
The truth was, if Oluo wasn't good at cutting titan's napes he would get rid of him and insist on transferring him to someone else's squad. He didn't want him to cut someone else. Sophie for example. His team was often cooperating with Hange's. There was a great chance of Sophie getting in the way of Oluo's. He couldn't stand the thought of Oluo hurting someone else. Especially her. He would fucking kill him. And killing wasn't an option in the unit. He wasn't a thug anymore, right?
"If that's obvious then not cutting your comrades with it should be obvious as well" he said coldly and left him, heading to his horse.
"Captain, if I may?" Petra approached him with that shy attitude of hers. It was always baffling Levi. How could someone so innocent and shy become someone completely different in the battlefield? It was a mystery for him.
"What is it, Petra?" he asked.
"I'm not mad at Oluo for cutting my leg, captain. It was an honest mistake-"
"Mistake that could cost you life or someone else" he stopped her. She parted her lips, clearly wanting to say something, but she resigned and lowered her head.
"I understand" she just said and headed towards Oluo.
Sophie couldn't help but listen to Levi's conversation with his squad members. Part of her pitied Oluo and Petra, but another part was happy, satisfied that finally he treated Petra fairly, not like a baby that he needed to take care of. Although she wasn't satisfied enough knowing that the only reason he scolded Petra was because she wanted to help Oluo. Oluo that was scolded for the smallest reasons by Levi ever since he cut her leg. Sophie frowned, realising it. That didn't sit well with her.
"Oi, Sophie. Get here!" Nifa yelled at her, she joined their squad last year.
Sophie nodded and approached the rest of her squad. Hange was now standing with a box in her hand, Moblit beside her with a few more of them. "Handle them to other Scouts. One notebook and pen per person, got it?" Hange asked.
"Got it" they answered at the same time and took boxes from her. Sophie almost forgot that they were about to give them on this expedition.
"I didn't know that Erwin got enough funds for that" she pointed out. She knew that he made a request to the government, but they didn't agree to anything yet and they were probably going to refuse anytime.
"There was no point in waiting for their refusal," Hange said. "I bought them myself with Erwin and Moblit"
"Hange! That's a lot of money!" Sophie said, surprised by her words. Paper wasn't the cheapest thing there, that's why she was very frugal when it came to using her own notebook that Erwin gave her three years ago. She still had half of the pages empty.
"Yeah, that's why it took us so long! We would ask you to pitch in if you had money. Seriously Soph, I don't know how you can make them disappear so fast. You need to learn how to manage your budget" as she said it Sophie moved uncomfortably and averted her eyes.
"Maybe" she mumbled. "Just give me the box" she quickly said and took it from Moblit's hands. She went with it to Mike's squad and handed them the equipment.
"Why do we have to take it with us? It only takes space" one of his squad members opposed, crossing arms on her chest.
"Ilse, right?" Sophie asked, trying to remember her name. She nodded. "Our commander wants us to be able to take notes if we stumble on something interesting or weird. Anything actually that we consider not normal, unusual" she repeated what Erwin and Hange told her about this idea. "That way we have bigger chances to understand titans and defeat them"
"Yeah, whatever" she rolled her eyes and took the notebook along with the pen. "Fuckng waste of time" she mumbled more to herself. Sophie decided to not further engage in conversation with her. There was no time for that.
She quickly got back to her horse and mounted it, ready to go. She took a quick glimpse at Levi before they entered the territory of Wall Maria. Just one look at this man was making her calm. Well, at least when she was using the pills that she decided to take with herself on the expedition. She didn't want to risk coming down from its effect while next to him. She wouldn't forgive herself.
They entered a place where there weren't a lot of titans. That way they had bigger chances of surviving. It was easier to kill titans when there were little of them rather than a whole bunch of them.
"Do you think that we'll ever be able to clear this place entirely of them?" Sophie asked Erwin when he joined their section. He usually stuck around Hange's squad or Levi's. Sometimes Mike's as well.
"I hope so," he said as they entered the forest. They didn't see any titans yet. "But for that we need to plug the hole in the wall and that's-"
"Not easy" she finished for Erwin.
"That's why we're checking more secluded places to separate them from the rest of this area"
"You're hoping to take Wall Maria piece by piece?" she asked, not sure if she understood him.
"Correct" he nodded. "We have to do something " there was something desperate in his voice as he said it, but Sophie decided to not further investigate it. It was clear for her that it would make him uncomfortable, that he wasn't ready to talk about his problems yet. Pushing him to confide in her wasn't a good idea.
Suddenly they saw a red flare in the sky. Titans were coming their way. She quickly searched her surroundings to check if Levi's squad was somewhere close. They weren't. Her heart sped up as she felt anxiety building up in her. She hated when he was away, out of her sight. She knew he was now considered to be humanity's strongest. But she was still afraid. She couldn't help it. He was the only person that stuck around for so long. The only person that didn't push her away after she pushed him away. He was precious. Her best friend. The only person that knew how bad her past was and she was the only one that knew about his past as well. They shared a fair amount of memories together. She hated when he was far from her during a mission.
And he felt similar. His squad was riding behind them, searching the forest thoroughly, if no titan was waiting for them, ready to surprise them on their way back. They found a few and killed them. Eld happened to be his biggest help in that. He was also the one that spotted a red flare. "It's on Hange's squad's way!" Eld said as he pointed at the sky.
"Gunther, finish the last one" Levi yelled to him as he saw the last titan running their way. "The rest, follow me. We need to help those brats" he said as he urged his horse to canter forward. As soon as he saw that damned red flare he felt the urge to rush there as quickly as possible. Sophie was somewhere there. Endangered. Because Erwin ordered them to search the back of their formation. That fucking bastard. Not only was he taking Sophie from him, he was also keeping him away from her when she needed him the most.
He sped up, overtaking his subordinates and leaving them behind. They were good on their own, he taught them well. That didn't mean he didn't care for them, he just...cared for Sophie the most. He finally saw Hange's squad. He was there before the titans.
"Levi!" Hange yelled with excitement and waved at him.
"Tsk, focus on the targets" he scolded her as he pointed with his head at three titans that were getting closer, all of the at least 12 meters tall.
"Why do you always call them that?" she pouted her lips. "They're beautiful!"
"Focus" he grunted as he took out his blade and cantered to the front, ready to meet titans before they could come closer. He saw that Erwin joined him as well along with Hange.
"Fine! Whoever will take them down first" Hange said and sprung up, flying close to one of the titans and cutting it's nape.
"It's not a competition," Erwin reminded him as he took out his blades.
"Just fucking kill them" Levi growled, he sprung as well and killed the tallest one, letting Erwin finish the last one.
"Good job" Erwin commended, smiling slightly. Soon the rest of Levi's squad joined them.
"Captain" Petra said as she approached Levi. "We found one more titan on our way here. It's killed"
"Clearly, since you're here" Levi said and she blushed, embarrassed. "Oi, good you didn't get killed," Levi grunted, trying to comfort her a little. He had a soft spot for her, he had to admit. She was physically so similar to Sophie. Yet, her complete opposite. It was puzzling him.
Sophie wanted to greet him, but as she saw that he was talking with Petra she changed her mind. Why the hell was he spending so much time with her? Why couldn't he get a report from Eld? Gunther? Oluo? Just not her for fuck's sake.
She didn't have more time to think about it as another red flare was shot and soon after that another group of titans started running their way. They were in lowlands, if they wanted to escape they would have to canter upland which would make them slow. It was quicker to run down then up, one of the reasons why those titans were coming their way fast, not giving them a chance to escape.
"There's nine of them," Eld said.
"Take those from the right, I'll take care of those in the middle" Levi ordered and his team nodded. They cantered ahead to meet with them. Just after that Hange's team cantered there as well, ready to take care of titans on the left.
Sophie sprung up and hooked her equipment on titan's arm. Lauda hooked himself on the same titan and cut its leg, making it fall down so Sophie could easily cut its nape. In the meantime Hange killed another titan on her own and Nifa and Moblit took care of another. Levi's squad was already on the ground, mounting their horses.
"We should go to the uplands now" Erwin commanded and they all followed him there. As they entered one of the mountains they came across Mike's team that was lacking a few of his squad members. "Mike! Where's the rest of your squad?" he asked, even though he already knew what he was going to do.
"We ran across a whole bunch of titans, Erwin" Mike gasped as he approached him. "We shot the red flares. There were too many of them. We parted during the fight, some of my comrades decided to get titans away from us to make the fight easier. But they're still not here. We're searching for them"
"We should join you"
"My team will do it," Levi volunteered. He didn't want Sophie to get involved in more dangerous situations. "You're in the high spot. If titans come your way you'll spot them from a far distance" he pointed out. "It will give you enough time to evacuate"
"Or to kill them," Nifa said.
"Right, that too," Levi agreed. "We'll be here in an hour. Let's go" Levi commanded and his team left with him. Mike's squad joined them to make the search faster.
Hange's team was alone now, accompanied only by Erwin who didn't seem to be in a mood for a conversation. "Hange, take a first watch. Moblit, make notes. The rest, just drink something" he sighed and went further from them. Sophie frowned seeing how stooped and drained from energy he looked. It wasn't like him. At least not during an expedition. In those three years he saw him being exhausted many times, but never once on the titan's territory. It was something new and she didn't like it. She decided to follow him behind one of the abandoned buildings where he stopped and sat on the ground.
"Erwin" she said gently as she came closer and kneeled in front of him. He wasn't looking at her - a bad sign. "What is going on?" she asked. She decided that there wasn't more time for her to wait for him to open up. If he was having a breakdown during an expedition she had to do something about that. He was their commander, their only hope. A brilliant man that saved this unit with his ideas more than once. He saved her three years ago when he stopped her from coming back to the Underground. If it wasn't for him she would've probably been working for another Reginald, being an object to another Torren. She almost shivered thinking about that.
"Isn't it obvious?" he chuckled bitterly as he looked at her. His eyes were tired and sad, he was looking at her beggingly, searching her face for a sign that would tell him that he can find comfort in her. He needed to be comforted so much. "We searched so many different entries, different areas in Wall Maria, searching for a place where titans wouldn't be in large groups. But they are everywhere! Fucking everywhere" he said, shaking his head hopelessly.
"Well" she cleared her throat, trying to buy herself more time to reply. She didn't know what to say to help him. "We still didn't search every place," she pointed out.
"But we're close to that" he shook his head one more time. "And I bet it will be the same"
"Even if that's true - you'll come up with something, Erwin. I know you'll do"
He stood up and leaned with his body on a wall, slamming his head against it with more strength than he should. "I haven't come up with anything in three years. I'm running out of ideas"
"It's not the end of the world. Besides, you have Hange. You have me" she grabbed his hands and he felt the urge to look at her for the first time since she joined him here. He wanted to squeeze her hands back but he didn't do it. He was far too deep in his own remorse, thinking about all of those ideas that didn't work out.
"Shadis made me the commander hoping that I would be the saviour for both this unit and humanity" Erwin said suddenly. "I think I believed that too. I was too confident" he chuckled.
Suddenly he felt a slap on his face. She hit him with her palm. He pressed his hand to the cheek that was now bright red and he looked at her with shock in his eyes, he sobered up right away.
"Goddammit, Erwin. Get your shit together. You're a commander for fuck's sake" she growled at him, annoyed with his self-pity. No, concerned with it and frustrated that she didn't know how to help him. "You should believe that, that you're our saviour," she said honestly. "I mean...those flares? Tactics? Everything? Fuck, Erwin. You saved this unit from death so many times with your ideas! You saved this unit from being closed! You saved me from coming back to that hellhole underground!" she almost yelled, irritated with him, out of patience. "We all get bad days, but that will pass. We're here to make sure of that. I'll personally make sure of that"
He laughed lightly. It was so sudden that it baffled her. She didn't know how to react. She didn't expect her speech to work. He was the one that motivated people, not the other way around. But now all of his concerns seemed to be gone. How couldn't they? She was there for him. Spilling facts that he needed to hear.
He bit his lip, thinking whether he should do what he had in mind, but screw it. She was good to him. She didn't laugh at him or told him that he's indeed a failure. No, she comforted him. She did something that he didn't think was possible. He was the one that had to comfort others, keeping them away from the darkness and void. And now she did the same for him. Without further thinking he pulled her close and linked their lips. It wasn't the first time that they kissed, no. But it was the first time that they did it sober, somewhere else than the capital. First time on the titan's territory, where their comrades could see them. But they didn't care at the moment.
Sophie returned the kiss eagerly and wrapped her hands around his neck, pulling him closer. His hands were now on her hips and back, pressing her body to his as he explored her mouth. It was what he needed to feel better, to cure his frustration. And she was more than happy to provide him with that cure.
They didn't care about anything at that moment. They didn't care that others could see them. It felt as if they were the only ones there. Alas, they weren't. Levi's and Mike's squads returned, having bad news - they didn't spot lost Mike's squad members. Mike and Levi were about to deliver the news to Erwin personally so they searched the village to find him and when they finally did they spotted him devouring Sophie's mouth. They stopped halfway.
"Wow," Mike chuckled. "Now that's what I call a kiss," he said. Seeing two people finding comfort in this terrible day made his mood slightly better, on the contrary to Levi.
Levi's eyes widened and he gritted his teeth. His fists clenched, ready to punch Erwin. He wanted to come in between those two, to separate them. He wanted to push Erwin away from her and yell at him, call him names as he would punch him and kick his gut. He was furious. He had no right to be furious about it, because he and Sophie were just friends. But it hurt so much.
Part of him wanted to believe that he could only be friends with her because she wasn't over Furlan's death. Because she was still grieving. Now he realised that it wasn't true. She was over it. She wasn't grieving anymore. Otherwise she wouldn't be pressing her body so close to Erwin's and wouldn't let him kiss her. No , she let him. She was returning it. God, it hurted.
She just didn't want him to be more than friends with. She wanted Erwin. Not him. That's all. As soon as he realised it he put down his hands and shoved them into his pockets. He averted his eyes from that image in front of him, finding it too much for him to watch. He was disgusted. Disgusted with them and himself for being so possessive about Sophie, for his instinct to punch Erwin. She wouldn't forgive him if he did that. That was the only thing that was stopping him from kicking Erwin's ass. He couldn't kick him if he was making Sophie happy. And Erwin had to make her happy if she was ready to kiss him, right?
Maybe Erwin was making her happier than Levi. That's why she wanted to be something more with Erwin. That's why she wanted to be friends only with him. Maybe it was also a physical attraction? Maybe she found Erwin attractive and she didn't find him attractive at all? He wouldn't blame her. He was short while Erwin was tall. He had dark hair while Erwin had blonde hair. He was grumpy all day and night while Erwin was more care-free. His head was spinning from all those thoughts. He had to get out of there.
Yet, he couldn't. Instead of leaving he approached them. "Oi, done with that?" he asked harshly, making them stop immediately as they pulled out from each other, their cheeks blushed in embarrassment. He just wanted them to stop doing that.
"L-Levi" she mumbled, suddenly finding herself feeling bad about him seeing her like this. She couldn't explain it. It was three years already since Furlan died. Levi shouldn't be mad at her for moving on. Then why did it feel otherwise? Why did she feel bad?
"We didn't find them. We can go back" he said, glaring at Erwin and ignoring Sophie completely. He didn't want to look at her. Otherwise he would break down and he couldn't afford that, not in front of her.
"Thank you, Levi" Erwin tried to sound casually, but his voice was raspy from the kisses. It only angered Levi more.
"Whatever" he quickly said and left them alone, heading towards the rest of Hange's squad. He didn't want to stay with them. Not now. He was sick. Sick from all of this. Miserable just thinking about these two. Just thinking about his sleazy hands on her soft, precious body. Miserable knowing that she didn't want him. Miserable knowing that he wasn't the one that could make her that happy. Oh, it hurt bad.