Reviewer: MrsCLSmith
Review: Fractured Reality (Chapters 11-20)
Client: Rudolfa_WolfPack
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Cover:
The last time I wrote a review for you, you were waiting for your new cover, and I think it was well worth the wait. I love the muted palette and the illustration on Xeana in the desert landscape. It fits your story perfectly and looks great. The title and author's name are also legible and clear. It's a huge improvement! I love it!
Title:
As I said previously, I like the title. It fits the story and is short, sweet, and memorable.
Blurb/Summary:
Your blurb has also much improved since I last read. Your questions at the end feel more essential and integral to the plot rather than the beginning of the story, and the grammar is better as well. However, I still think it's too short. The last line of the first paragraph just isn't giving me enough. It ends with "However, when Xeana's name is called in the Reaping, her life falls even further apart." It's that second clause that is bugging me because it's so vague, and given the context, her life falling apart in the first place isn't well established enough for me in the two sentences before it. I recommend digging deeper here and giving the potential readers a taste of what this fanfic is really going to be about.
Writing Style, Grammar, and Mechanics:
I stand by what I said last time: you have the potential to be a wonderful writer!
Similarly, for the most part, a lot of what I noted last time is still very much true for these last ten chapters. The voice of your narration is strong andI think the choice to use first person here fits well, as it was used in The Hunger Games. I do enjoy reading your story. I definitely did not spy as many errors as the last time I read, but there are some typos and comma errors. It's no big deal, really.
However, I have to say again because I genuinely find this to be a huge pet peeve of mine: the dialogue is still incredibly difficult to read. Because you don't start a new paragraph each time a new character speaks, you sometimes do not use the correct punctuation in and around your quotation marks, and you often don't use dialogue tags, it is so difficult to tell who is saying what and follow the story at times. Again, for me, this was almost a deal breaker with reviewing your story because it was dizzying trying to figure out what was going on when multiple characters were speaking in one paragraph, especially in the last five chapters with a lot of action. It's a shame because the content of the story is amazing. I think you should consider doing some research on how to properly write and punctuate dialogue in a narrative.
Further, I think you might consider researching proper paragraph length. Starting a paragraph at each new idea enhances readability and pace. I think if you fixed up your dialogue and paragraph length, you'd have a real winner here.
Plot and Pacing:
While I think the pacing suffers from the dialogue and paragraph structure, I thought it held up pretty well for the most part. The only places where I felt things were progressing too quickly or being a bit rushed were when Aiden and Xenea made decisions. For example, Aiden suggests that going to the Feast will be fun, and boom, they're there. I wanted to see a bit more introspection and hesitancy in moments like this. Another example being when they leave the cave for the final time. It just suddenly happens.
As for the plot, I think you've done a fabulous job creating this spin on the original story. Your worldbuilding for this arena is always surprising and interesting. I love the cave system and the ghost town most of all. It's very cool.
One thing I suggest is that you might consider ungrouping Jason and Aiden's death together. While Aiden falling victim to the same fate is certainly surprising, his death did not garner that same emotional response from Xenea nor the reader. It just felt a bit rushed to me and did a disservice to Aiden who was such a lovely character.
Likewise, to be honest, I felt the lengthy memories, dreams, and flashbacks happened for too long and were too often. The entirety of chapter 20 in particular just felt like it was tacked on there, ruining the climax of the story! I wanted more from Topaz's death, along with some clear falling action. This could be personal opinion, but for me, it interrupts the plot structure too much and often feels kind of pointless. I suggest that, if you decide to keep them all as they are, you put them in italics because sometimes I had difficulty discerning what was a dream/flashback and what was happening in the arena.
Overall, I enjoyed your plot, and your creativity in your worldbuilding made me curious as to what sort of original story you could come up with! I'm sure any future pieces will be fabulous!
Characters:
Xenea is so cool! Her knife throwing, her medical knowledge, and her compassionate, thoughtful nature really stood out to me. You include a good amount of introspection from her, and there always seems to be a clear motive behind her actions. She is the perfect MC for a HG fanfic because not only is she a strong contender, but she's also often considering the bigger picture: the major flaws in society in which she's been raised and the senseless violence of the games. There were several times that she stopped and thought about the other characters around her and her own lift that further endeared her to me.
The minor characters are great too. Ashlyn, Skipper, and Aiden were all well constructed. I liked Ashlyn's spunk and Aiden's more reserved loyalty. The hints of romance never came to fruition which worked well, considering they all must die, but their personalities still shined.
Recommendation:
I stand by what I said before -- once the changes in the dialogue are made, I would totally recommend this to anyone looking for a well thought out Hunger Games fanfic.