Her eyelids were heavy and felt like they might close at any moment; she estimated that she had slept an hour or two last night. She had trouble functioning and made one mistake after another, which did not go unnoticed.
"Alina... where's your head today? That's the second time you've made a mistake" said her colleague Emma. She was startled at the interruption and looked at the dress she was currently working on and indeed saw that she had not sewn correctly.
"What? Oh, right I see... Thank you for pointing that out, Emma" she replied meekly. Emma gave her another suspicious frown but then quickly focused them on something else; doing her favourite thing; gossiping. Ah if only she could be... Be Lady Whistledown instead of boring old Emma who worked as a seamstress. She would have given anything to be someone like Lady Whistledown; to be able to walk around at the balls of the 'ton'; secretly revealing their deepest secrets.
Emma was particularly interested in those of the Bridgerton family; she did not know why but it was fascinating to know that at least eight children had been born into this family; and she was curious about each of them. Last year, there was also much speculation on their shop floor about the marriage of the Viscount and a Mara Kensington; whether this relationship was based on a scandal, and they were forced to marry (Writer's note; see "Last Chance"; another story of mine).
"Benedict Bridgerton is getting married today" said Emma cheerfully. Alina immediately stopped what she was doing; took a short breath, as she felt that breathing suddenly became difficult and resumed her work.
"You know... There is speculation now as to whether this match is based on love.... Lady Whistledown states that it is 'probable' that Eleanor Shelby fell into Mr Bridgerton's arms; just like that, after she had broken her heel and that they were seen by her brother and other 'witnesses'. So, they are getting married to avoid a scandal or so she writes. Of course, I don't know if this is true, but one thing is certain; Eleanor Shelby is not held in high esteem by Lady Whistledown.".
Alina's heart raced as never before and the moment after she felt horrible. So, Benedict had spoken the truth; he had not lied to her; then it was also true that he did not really know her. She suddenly felt much better, only to feel a minute later as miserable as before, because what was going to change now? Nothing. He was going to marry her. And even if Eleanor Shelby had never come on the scene, nothing would have changed; in the end he would have moved on with someone else.
She had felt foolish. Even though his intentions were pure; it was clear now at least, even though she was glad that her intuition had not failed her; (she had felt so ashamed; thinking she could trust him, and he had proved her completely wrong, she thought). Alina had berated herself several times; for having gone along with something that had been going on for centuries; the upper class messing around with the lower class; on secret occasions and hidden chambers only to be cast aside like dirt. But she had sensed that Benedict was different; the way he had looked at her; the way he had loved her; made it clear to her that this was no fling... or so she thought.
But in the end; none of it mattered. He was getting married today. Fortunately for Alina,, she had not seen miss Shelby and her entourage at the last fitting; she did not know whether she should thank Madame Delacroix for that; although she suspected she would. She could not have borne to see the same blue, kindly eyes looking at her; nor could she have borne to see Eleanor Shelby parading in her wedding dress; which she had made for her.
"For the love of God, Emma. Nobody cares about the Bridgerton's but you" said Anne, another colleague. Anne and Emma did not get along very well; everyone knew that. Anne found her younger colleague too chatty, and gossip addicted and Emma in turn found her boring and overbearing.
"You might think so, but I think the rest of us might be interested." replied Emma sharply.
"No, I don't think so either" argued Anne in a blasé tone; not looking at Emma; but still focusing on putting little flowers on a wedding dress.
"Alina; you don't mind, do you? There's nothing wrong with harmless gossip and besides, we don't know these people. I mean it's not like we personally know Mr. Bridgerton do we?".
"Sorry Emma" said Alina in a pinched voice, "but to be perfectly honest I don't really care to hear about that family either".
Emma looked at her first in amazement and then offended.
"Fine. Then I'll just shut up" the curly-haired young girl sneered, pursing her lips tightly a moment later.
Alina was at her wits' end; suddenly it all became too much for her; she had hardly slept and barely eaten; she had gone out in a hurry without eating properly because she woke up too late and she suddenly felt terribly sick. It was a miracle by the way that her period had come a few days earlier; she had been worried sick about a pregnancy and the repercussions for her but also her mother.
Although Lady Whistledown did not write about people like her, the news would soon have spread in the slums where Alina and her mother lived.
But Alina was still nauseous today and she attributed that to a bad night's sleep; a poor diet and the fact that Benedict was constantly being talked about.
She felt the urge to get some air and before she knew it she got up, excused herself and ran to the back entrance, where she quickly ran outside to take a few strong breaths. Luckily, Madame Delacroix was free today, so she didn't have to explain anything to her. She didn't know how much longer her employer would tolerate her antics.
Alina stood there for a few minutes before she heard the door open. She turned around and saw Anne standing there. The two locked eyes for a moment; in silence. Anne looked at her understandingly, and at that moment a thought occurred to Alina that she knew was right.
"You know, don't you?".
Anne bit her lip; sighed and then nodded.
"When?" she asked.
"Listen... I didn't mean to find out...but, and I hope you can keep this between me and you but.... " and she sighed again in the middle of her sentence "my sister is getting married soon. I'm making her wedding dress. She can't afford one, and neither can her future fiancé so I'm taking some excess fabric and yarn with me; only that won't be used and will be thrown away I swear." Anne added quickly.
"One day I forgot to take a particular cloth with me when I left so I went back after working hours... and saw a carriage with the emblem 'B'. I had seen it before, and I wanted to wait patiently for the driver to leave as I figured he was there to collect something for Lady Bridgerton or her daughters. Yet the carriage did not leave, and I was growing a bit impatient to be honest and I went over the carriage, but the coachman wasn't there, so I figured he was indeed inside, and I looked in through the window of the door, just for a moment. I didn't see anything... inappropriate and I didn't linger to listen to your conversation but when I heard that you ran away crying last week during a consultation I knew enough.. ".
Alina gave Anne a sad smile and the latter walked over towards her, stilling in front of her. "I feel sorry for you; the last few weeks must not have been easy."
Alina shook her head and then looked up at Anne who was again looking at her with compassion.
"It's not your fault you know.... It's easy it's to fall for someone who promises you all sorts of things who promises you the world but ends up only taking... everything" and something in her expression, the way she had said it let Alina know that Anne had experienced something similar but much worse.
"Who was he?" she asked Anne, who was lost in thought for a moment. Anne looked at her and smiled briefly; shaking her head; and said she would tell them another time.
"Listen, I'll try to shut Emma up much as I can. She and her incessant prattling irritate me to no end anyway" stated Anne in a serious tone, and Alina had to chuckle, and her colleague quickly followed her.
Anne took hold of Alina's hands and squeezed them briefly.
"It'll be all right... I promise you.. It may not seem like it now, but you will undoubtedly meet someone who will be good to you; care for you; whom you will love, Alina.. really you will."
She doubted it. Severely. Yet she gave Anne a smile in confirmation.
"Well. I think we should go back" Anne stated and Alina agreed. They couldn't stay away any longer, so they walked slowly back to the door but before they opened it Anne looked at her anxiously.
"Alina... um... about me taking things.. from the shop... I would appreciate it if you would let Madame Delacroix...-".
"I will not tell a soul. Your secret is safe with me" Alina interrupted quickly.
Anne smiled and replied, "as is yours with me".
The rest of the week passed in a blur. She tried to think about Benedict as little as possible, although that was very difficult. Still, she succeeded in keeping herself busy; well; although at times when she didn't expect it, a feeling of melancholy overtook her; usually in bed, when she was alone with her thoughts. Then questions kept bothering her; questions to which she did not want to know the answer. How had their wedding been? What had he thought of her, when he had seen her; in the wedding dress that Alina had made for his bride...? Had he been delighted to see his bride? She could say many things about her but not that Eleanor Shelby was not a beautiful woman. Had they held a reception? How had the ceremony in the church been? She did not know, since Emma had said nothing more about the Bridgerton's and she, Alina, could not bring herself to read Lady Whistledown's leaflet, not least because it would cost her money which she did not have.
She threw herself into her work; driven to make ever more beautiful dresses; trying to distract herself. Alina walked home one evening; tired but content; opened the door and called to her mother that she was there. No reaction. Not surprising since her mother had not been feeling very well for the last few days.
Alina started a fire and put on a pan of water. Soup. Leek soup was on the menu; with a small piece of bread; just like yesterday and the day before because they couldn't afford much. She chopped the ingredients, added them to the pan, and stirred until it boiled; then added some salt.
She waited until the soup was ready before calling her mother not wishing to disturb her just yet.
"Mother... Dinner is ready."
No response.
"Ma! I am starving; let's eat!".
Silence again. But this was strange; her mother was normally not such a deep sleeper although she was getting older of course. Oh well; then she would have to wake her up herself. So, she went to 'the room', it was so small, you couldn't call it a room, and saw her mother lying there; peaceful and undisturbed in the dark because the curtains were closed.
Alina doubted for a moment whether she shouldn't just leave her mother alone but on the other hand, the doctor had told her not to skip meals; even though she didn't want to eat anything lately.
"Hey sleepyhead... Get up" said Alina cheerfully; expecting a retort of 'let me rest; child' but none came... She walked closer to where her mother lay; still peaceful; and it seemed like she had a smile on her face.
Alina bent down and gently put her hand on Harriet Kennedy's shoulder and nudged her gently.
"Please wake up," but she didn't; nor did she when Alina now pushed a little harder with her firsthand her shoulders, but Harriet Kennedy would never do that again. When she could no longer ignore the truth, Alina fell on her mother's chest, crying, and stayed there for hours.
****
The funeral took place a couple of days after. Alina's uncle had come and paid for part of it; what he could spare. Alina herself had contributed what little she had saved, and the Watsons had been kind enough to pay a considerable part.
"I'll pay you back", Alina had said through her tears, but the Watsons, and especially the matriarch of the family, would not hear of it.
"She was a good friend of mine. It was the least I could do" said Tommy's mother a week after the funeral when Alina stopped by to suggest a payment plan.
Alina nodded through her tears and thanked her. Shelly Watson then called a poignant glance at Tommy and said he should escort Alina home since it was late.
"Of course...if that's okay with you Alina?".
"That's fine, thank you Tommy."
They walked in silence. Alina said nothing. Tommy seemed to want to say something but bit his tongue until he could do no more.
"What are you going to do now, Alina?" he asked.
She looked at him briefly; at those green eyes that wanted to fathom her.
"I don't know... I can't go and live with my uncle; even though he has suggested it. They don't have much money and even if I found a job there; I would only be a burden to them" she answered honestly.
"That's why I'll stay here... for now".
"On your own?" Tommy wanted to know.
"Yes... I have no other choice I guess; have no other family around". Tommy shook his highness disapprovingly.
"A woman can't live alone in this day and age, Alina.... It's not safe".
"I know that. You don't have to tell me that, Tommy, but I don't have any-".
"You do. Marry me."
He hadn't meant to just throw it out; no, he'd meant to deliver a thoughtful argument and then speak his mind, but it was too late now. He could not take it back.
She stood stock still and looked at him with wide eyes. He swallowed the lump in his throat and willed his voice to function as he could not speak temporarily; lost in her gaze.
"Tommy, I like you, I do but I.. I don't know if-"
"Please listen. Before you say anything. Let me finish. I just... I know the timing is bad but if I don't say it know I will never say it" and he took a big breath.
"I am in love with you, Alina and have been for years. Ever since I first laid eyes on you". Alina stared at him dumbfounded for a moment before taking a few steps forward, but soon she heard him speak again.
"I know there's an age difference between us but we're only three years apart so that's not too bad, right? And... I... I will be a good husband to you; really; you will not lack anything I promise.... You shouldn't be alone now Alina. Let me take care of you". She turned around and looked at him, which upset him a little.
"You don't have to do that. I can provide for myself. I work."
" I get that and if... you want to continue working then I'm not going to stop you. I want you to do what makes you happy and don't let anything stand in your way.
He took a few steps towards her side; careful, as it were, not to scare her away from him even more.
"In a few years, I will take over the bakery. I um have plans; I want to open a second branch in London but other cities later; who knows. I want to work hard for it; expand the family business... and I would like nothing more than for you to be there.... as... my wife".
Tommy was now very close and looked at her with a sincere look.
"Think about it ok? You don't have to say anything now. Whatever your answer will be, I will respect it" he stated with a shaky voice. Carefully his hand rose to her face and very briefly placed it on her lower jaw; all the while looking at her; with his heart pounding.
"Please.." he stated and then he trailed backwards; but not too far from her.
They had arrived at her house, Alina had noticed. She took her key from her coat and unlocked the door.
"Thank you for bringing me home."
"My pleasure, Alina."
"Have a nice evening" but before she went inside he addressed her again.
"Will you consider it? My proposal?". Alina turned to him and spoke.
"I shall".
Then she went inside.
One month later.
It was a grey, cold morning and the weather seemed to be a direct reflection on Benedict's mood as he stared outside. The past month had been the most surreal of his life; at a stroke he had become a husband and suddenly had obligations; not only to his spouse but also to the ton. Eleanor; his wife;. insisted upon inviting a selection of people from the social circle she was convinced 'needed to get to know'. So, his evenings were very different; entertaining one boring guest after another; all of whom looked alike.
But he did his best. He did his best to make his wife comfortable. The die had been cast and there was nothing he could do to change it.
He was even fulfilling his conjugal duties. His wedding night had gone off without a hitch; much to his wife's relief; but... as he did the deed, he kept picturing beautiful; green-brown eyes; ivory skin; brown hair in which he could bury his face and a smile that made him melt.
She was beautiful; Eleanor; and especially beautiful while naked and he was a man so... that part of his body responded to her body, but he did not experience pleasure. He did experience pleasure but the whole thing had been perfunctory; something he had to do. When it was over she fell asleep relieved, and he continued to toss and turn, thinking about her.
He had not seen her for so long now; at least it seemed that way. It was only five weeks ago when he last spoke to her; in Madame Delacroix's shop.
Benedict knew he should stop thinking about her, but he could not; no matter how much he wanted to at times. And he wanted it too; because he felt it was torture. Everything in him screamed that he was doing the wrong thing. Everything felt wrong; and everything reminded him of missing her.
He wanted to be a good husband. He really did. And he would surely get to know her better and then love her. His brothers had convinced him of this; at least they tried to. His mother, after giving Benedict an extensive speech, had reminded him that she had 'not raised him like this'.
"I made errors, undoubtedly, when all you were growing up. Raising 8 children wasn't children but I am pretty sure, I never, NEVER taught to play with the feelings of girls ... who ... are not in the same position as us, Benedict. Shame on you! What was going on in your head? I know you and... your brothers... I know that you and your brothers ... have certain escapades that I, as a mother, shouldn't know about, but this is way beyond your limits" she had reprimanded.
"I did not play with her feelings, mother! ".
"Are you sure about that? Are you Ben? Because she ran away crying when she realised whose future bride was there to get fitted."
"She... was crying?" he asked in confirmation and his mother confirmed this.
Benedict's expression changed instantly to of remorse and misery and though Lady Bridgerton was still angry as ever; she realised something at that moment. She walked over to her son and sat down next to him, taking him in attentively.
"You love her, don't you?" Benedict who was looking down at that moment nodded without turning to Violet.
"And now... I'm going to marry whom I don't love at all... It feels so strange, mother. It feels so wrong."
Violet Bridgerton sighed deeply as she felt awful for her
"Oh, my dear boy" she said as her hand took his and sat with him in silence; for a while until Hyacinth Bridgerton stormed across the room, followed by Gregory, and the two of them sprinted around the table in pursuit.
"Come here now!" shouted Gregory angrily.
"Gregory, Hyacinth; what is going on?" asked Violet sternly. "Stop running!"
"She hit me!!!" exclaimed Gregory.
"You hit me first!" rebutted Hyacinth with a mischievous gleam in her eyes
"That is a lie!!."
Violet rolled her eyes, stood up; grabbed both by their collars and escorted them out of the room; leaving Benedict alone to his thoughts.
and feelings. He felt... unsettled. Restless; ungrounded; unstable; and at the same time rooted; petrified; incapable of making a move.
And now a month had passed, and the same sentiment prevailed with him.
He was staring listlessly outside in his study. Eleanor was visiting his family; he knew. The strange thing about these visits was that, somehow, Eloise was always 'indisposed' now Eleanor announced her visit; he knew. Benedict was not sure of course, but something told him that his little sister did not like Eleanor. Benedict did not know, however, that Eloise was not the only one.
There was a knock at the door and Benedict told the person to come in. Benedict walked up to his visitor and shook his hand before indicating that he could take a seat.
"Would you like some coffee Mr. Thawes?"
"That would be lovely, Mr. Bridgerton" he answered to which Benedict called Mosely and gave him orders to get them coffee.
and feelings. He felt... unsettled. Restless; ungrounded; unstable; and at the same time rooted; petrified; incapable of making a move.
And now a month had passed, and the same sentiment prevailed with him.
He was staring listlessly outside in his study. Eleanor was visiting his family; he knew. The strange thing about these visits was that, somehow, Eloise was always 'indisposed' now Eleanor announced her visit; he knew. Benedict was not sure of course, but something told him that his little sister did not like Eleanor. Benedict did not know, however, that Eloise was not the only one.
There was a knock at the door and Benedict told the person to come in. Benedict walked up to his visitor and shook his hand before indicating that he could take a seat.
"Would you like some coffee Mr. Thawes?"
"Yes please" he answered to which Benedict called Mosely and gave him orders to serve coffee and bring some biscuits. He then sat down himself and looked at the man sitting opposite him.
Benedict would never have suspected that this man was a private detective; Mr. Thawes had a tall stature; a tailored blue suit and his blond hair was carefully coiffed; he could be a banker's son, Benedict thought. But looks were deceiving. This man was one of the best in his field and had successfully found his sister-in-law Mara a few weeks ago; at the request of his brother Anthony (writer's note: again see 'Last Chance' for those who are wondering what the hell I am referring to).
Coffee was served and both gentlemen took a few sips before starting the conversation.
"First of all, I want to thank you for hiring me and also ... rewarding me so generously".
"Yes and in return I will demand your secrecy. I know you also have done some investigations on behalf of my brother but he is not to hear of this".
"You can trust me, I assure you he will not".
"Perfect now. will you tell me what you have found out? I suppose it must be substantial; so much so that you need to pay me a visit".
"It is indeed.. substantial.. I have some news... but I don't know if you'll like it if I have to be honest."
Instantly Benedict felt his already not too happy mood worsen.
Please proceed and tell me" he said a little gruffly.
"Um... First, I should give you the context; that will explain some things. Harriet Kennedy died; probably from long-term lung problems".
Oh God. Poor Alina, he thought, and he suddenly felt overwhelmed with compassion for her.
"When did she pass away?".
"A few weeks back".
So long and he had known nothing. Benedict suddenly felt awful; he had let her down, not once but twice now, and when she needed him most.
"And what are your other findings?" Benedict wished to know, although a part of him didn't want to. A part of wished to not know, to be kept in the dark.
"She is to be wed soon."
It was as if as if someone had taken a sledgehammer and had slammed Benedict with it.
"To whom?"
"Tommy Watson... A neighbour, I believe. They have a profitable bakery on Knight Street".
"When?"
"Next Saturday."
Benedict remained silent for a long time; a little too long because Thawes was getting a little uncomfortable with it; not knowing whether to say something or not. Luckily for him, Benedict spoke shortly afterwards.
"Thank you for letting me know. You have done your job properly" Benedict said. He then opened a drawer, took out an envelope and handed it to his visitor.
"If there anything else I can do for you...".
"No... That will be all for now".
Mr. Thawes nodded; stood up and gave Benedict a hand before making his exit.
Hopelessness engulfed him followed by despair.... Many a man does foolish things when he feels desperate, and Benedict would soon belong to that group of people.
Alina was dead tired. That day she had been particularly busy with one consultation after another and at the end of it she was in pain from kneeling so much, pushing one pin after another into a dress. She had to finish one more dress before she had a few days off; to prepare for her 'upcoming wedding' supposedly.
Not that there was much to prepare; there would be no reception; but Alina wanted to spend the last few days wrapping up some loose ends, packing up her (few) belongings, having a word with the landlord but above all... taking some time alone while she still could. And to say goodbye; to the house and the memories she had had there. The loss of Harriet Kennedy had made a big impression on Alina, in a negative sense. Her already quiet disposition was strengthened and there were days when she did not speak much, only when she was spoken to.
She had been thinking for a while about what to do next. Although she wanted nothing more than to continue her current lifestyle, she could not. She was now being treated in a 'very different way' by (married) men in her neighbourhood whom she had known for years, and one indecent proposal after another had followed. One of them had been persistent and had followed her until Tommy had knocked him out.
Tommy... He had been there for her then. He had protected her... and it made her wonder. Could she love him? Could she? Maybe she could. Perhaps she could fill the gaping hole in her heart with another love; one that might hurt less. And he was right, Tommy; it was obvious that as a single woman it was not safe for her on the streets of London; at least not in her time.
So, she accepted his proposal and he had impulsively; pulled her into his arms and embraced her. She was startled and flinched, and he seemed to be hurt; but quickly apologised. Alina had replied that he did not need to apologise for anything.
She was finally finished with the dress; she could go home now..
She heard the small bell from the front door ring; an indication that there was a customer. Expecting this to be the case, she walked forward; dress in hand; looking at her work (a crimson dress; embellished with 'golden" threads). She was happy with the result now she had to inform the customer that it was closing time and did so still gazing downwards; still admiring her 'work.'
"We are closed... You'll have to come back another time, I'm sorry". Upon uttering the last part of her sentence and looking up to see who was in the shop she promptly dropped the dress from her hands.
"Hello Alina..." he greeted in a soft tone and only he could pronounce her name in that way; lovingly, sweet; innocent and precious; making her feel valid and loved, treasured. Safe.
Only Benedict.
They stared at each other; and for a moment... the world made sense again..