"I'm sorry for taking so long Izzy, one thing led to the next," Anne apologizes, walking up to our booth. "Did you and Marilyn have a good talk?" She gives Marilyn a curious look but doesn't press for more.
"We did," I admit, flashing the therapist a small smile. "In fact, I think I'll be coming to see her more often... I just need to clear it with Jonathan." Saying it out loud leaves me with a mix of nervousness and optimism, but after talking with Marilyn I can feel this is the right step for me.
"Good for you honey!" Anne beams, giving my shoulder a squeeze. "I'm sure the old man will be more than happy to give you the time off to take care of yourself."
"It's just a couple of hours a week," Marilyn agrees. "You have my card, talk to Jonathan and let me know what works for you guys."
Marilyn takes her garbage and says her goodbyes and heads out. A moment later Anne sits down with Jack in tow and a set of sandwiches and pops.
"You guys looked like you were getting pretty intense," Jack finally asks, earning a swat from Anne. "What?! I didn't ask what they talked about!"
"What she talks with Marilyn about is their business, don't be so damn nosey," Anne chides, glaring at the man.
"It's okay," I say with a laugh, watching Jack's theatrics. "We didn't really get into anything in particular, she just gave me some things to think about and be aware of."
"Such as?" Anne asks, leaning in with her full attention.
"I thought we weren't supposed to ask," Jack sasses with a crooked grin.
"Someone's awfully cheeky today," she warns, raising a brow. Jack just rolls his eyes. "Guess we need to have a little reminder..."
"Promises promise," he drawls but a slight blush on his cheeks gives himself away.
"So?" Anne asks, turning the conversation back to me.
"It was just general things like triggers," I mumble. "She wants me to think about times I've been triggered, and she's going to teach me some coping mechanisms."
"That made a huge difference for me," Jack adds, completely stoic, all trace of theatrics gone. "The grounding techniques she taught me literally stopped my panic attacks before they got too bad. After a while, they came less and less often."
"Really?" I ask, hope blooming in me.
"She's very good," Anne agrees.
I nod. In the short time we spoke, Marilyn put my mind at ease and had a way of explaining things in a way that I could relate to.
"Marilyn told me that we can be our own worst critics. That recovery is a process with ups and downs and that it's important to give ourselves credit for trying, even when we have setbacks." My voice gets small as I trail off.
Jonathan and Anne said something similar early on to that effect but I didn't understand like I do now. But like many things in life, it's easier to see after the fact.
"She's right you know?" Anne says, taking my hand in hers. "You've come so far, so fast. Sometimes setbacks happen, but Jonathan and all of us are here to help you through it."
"I know," I whisper, dropping my gaze. "But I worry I won't be enough." My chest tightens admitting my biggest fears.
"Honey, you don't see how happy you make him. He would give up everything for you," she says with such conviction I can't bear it.
"But that's the thing. I don't want him to give up anything more for me. I want to give him what he wants... what we want," I counter.
I thought we had it. Jonathan had opened my eyes to so many things, giving me a taste of the lifestyle that I had only read about until I broke...
"Honey, you'll get there again," Anne assures me. "One bump in the road doesn't undo all of the progress you've already made. Izzy you've come so far from the timid mouse that entered my club that night. Jonathan has been good for you and you've been good for him!"
"I hope so," I whisper, chewing on my lip.
"It's good to reflect but you shouldn't dwell, that can be unhealthy," Jack warns. "You need a distraction."
"A distraction?" I murmur, turning my attention to him.
"When's the last time you just spoiled yourself?" Anne asks, catching onto what Jack is thinking. The way those two can jump on the same wavelength and communicate without talking is freaky sometimes.
I only shrug and feel my cheeks heat. The closest I've come to spoiling myself is sleeping in on the weekend and eating junk food, but somehow I don't think that's what they mean.
"Unacceptable!" Jack says, shaking his head. "Let's go." He practically jumps out of his seat and holds out a hand for me. Anne watches him, a smirk tugging at her crimson lips and amusement dancing in her green eyes.
"Go where?" I ask, tentatively taking his hand and squeaking when he tugs me up.
"Behave pup," she warns.
"Where's the fun in that?" he counters, raising a brow. "I can see you going over your to-do list in your head. You stay here and do business, and we will go do some more fun."
He doesn't wait for her answer and practically drags me away. Jack grins at me and hooks my hand in the crook of his outstretched elbow as he escorts me to Annes Red Ram pick up. Secretly I breathe a breath of relief that we're not taking his bike.
"So where are we going?" I ask as I do up my seat belt.
"What would you like to do? The mission is to spoil yourself, splurge Izzy, you're worth it," he says, waiting on my answer.
"I don't know," I mumble.
"Imma ease you in then," he finally sighs, seeing I'm really at a loss. After a short drive, he pulls into a high-end shopping center, one I've never been to. "I think first, we loosen up hmm?" He gives me a knowing look and leads us into a spa.
I look around wide-eyed at the pristine white and blue surroundings. The way Jack walks up to the desk tells me that this isn't his first time, so I take a moment to look around. A beautiful water wall with white orchids and calla lilies surrounding it catches my attention. The gentle murmuring of the cascading water helps to wash out the noise from outside, setting the feel for the spa.
"We're in luck," he announces from behind me, snapping me out of my reflection. "Ready for a massage?"
"Massage?!" I parrot back. "I've never had one before."
"I thought as much," he says with a smirk, guiding me down a hallway. His eyes sparkle with mischief as he adds, "I put in for a couples massage."
"What?!" I gasp stopping dead in my tracks.
Jack just laughs at my reaction and shoves me into a room. Inside there are two massage tables sitting in the middle of the space with a bubbling fountain adding to the ambiance. The soft sage and white colour scheme looks like something straight out of a magazine.
"I figured doing it with you would make you more comfortable, and if at any time you didn't like it, say the word and I'll get you out of it, " he offers, gesturing to the table.
"That does make sense," I mumble. "But what would I even say?"
"Pineapple," he replies with a shrug. "Iz, it's about spoiling yourself and relaxing, if you don't dig it, we can leave... but I think you're going to like it. What do you say? Willing to give it a shot?"
I nod after a moment, deciding to commit to giving this a real shot. Jack tells me what to do and I change behind the bamboo screen and wrap up in the robe before coming back out. He's already changed and waiting. A moment later two women walk in in pale blue scrubs.
After introducing themselves and explaining the process she directs me to lay on the table on my back. Even wrapped up in a sheet, I feel exposed but follow her direction feeling the heat from the stones on the table seeping into my back. Suddenly I begin to second thinking my random bravery, wondering if massages are really my thing.
"Iz, baby?" Jack calls. "You good?"
Am I?
I nod hoping it will only be temporary, already I can see him relaxing. She smiles at me and reads my apprehension like I'm an open book and changes her tactics, explaining each step before she does it. The first thing she does is dab lavender oil and massages it onto my face before placing four warm stones, one on each cheek, my chin and my forehead.
Next, she gets to work on each leg, first with oil then rubbing them down with the warm smooth stone. My breathing slows and I focus on the warm fuzzy feeling as I feel like she turns me into jello. She mixes softly spoken words with gentle touches to move me around and keep me at ease. The combination of heat, massage and pressure put me into a deep, relaxed state, completely different than I had expected.
Time slows as I give myself over to the process, letting her work out all of my tension. By the end, I feel weightless and boneless. When she helps me get up, I feel like a newborn deer on shaky legs. Even Jack looks subdued, his eyes hooded and relaxed but his grin says our day is far from done.
"Now that you're loosened up, I think it's time for a little retail therapy," he says, offering his elbow once more.
"But I don't need-"
"Izzy, today isn't about need, it's about indulging," he teases. "And if not for you, there's a certain Dom coming back that I'm sure would appreciate some.... indulgence."
I laugh and drop my gaze to hide my blush but the thought of Jonathan coming home tonight warms my heart fully. Maybe Jack's on to something...