Yuzuru
I watched the golden light shimmering across her naked back while she slept next to me and thanked the sun for shining bright this morning.
I scooted closer than I already was and let the very tip of my finger lightly trace the individual lines where the sunbeams were dancing over her skin through the half-open curtain.
I was drunk with all the feelings I had towards her, my foolish love was just one of many. I felt like a sailor who spent months on the open sea and finally, his feet had firm ground underneath, the smell of flowers, listening to the rustling of the trees; all the normal things that one appreciates only once deprived of it and now I was drinking it all in like that poor sailor.
All thanks to her.
I leaned down, placing several feathery kisses on her arm and chuckling at her obliviousness of what she was doing to me, but hoping that my happiness would be contagious enough once she wakes up. I wanted her to be as happy as I was at that moment, even though I was very well aware it was only a small battle that I have won.
The main war that would decide it all was still ahead and usually, my chest tightened anytime I thought of it, but not now.
Now I was simply and utterly happy and even the fear of her not loving me back was merely a small grain in the vast desert of my troubles, absolutely insignificant in a peaceful moment like this.
She rolled on her back and I lifted my hand, waiting for her to settle in whatever position her dreams wanted her to, and once done, I pulled the blanket over her, resting my head on her shoulder and my arm over her stomach.
Her hands instinctively wrapped around me and I slid mine up to her chest, noting that her heartbeat is still steady and calm, deep in sleep.
I didn't expect her to wake up anytime soon, given what we did last night left us both completely spent but I could not help wondering if she would be up for more once awake. I so badly wanted to have her like that, bathing in the sunlight with her, watching it reflect on her skin while listening to her gasps and moans.
"Yuzu," she mumbled and I once more focused on my palm against her heart, noting that it was her dream talking as her heartbeat was still steady and shallow.
"Saranghae," I whispered in return, another sense of relief going through me that I was finally able to say it. I told her that I loved her so many times last night, unable to hold it back for any longer. Choosing to say it in a language I hoped she did not understand.
Because the last thing I needed now was to scare her away with that, yet I could not keep it buried inside me when I had her gathered in my arms last night.
Luckily she indeed didn't know what it means and now I could say it anytime I needed to get it off my chest without her pulling away from me.
I knew it would be way too soon for her to face her own emotions, even though she clearly had deep feelings for me too.
No matter how much she tried to ignore or deny it, whatever was between us was very far from being just friends with benefits. All the tenderness and affection she was showing me was not something one does with just a friend as much as she wanted to believe it.
I knew it and she must have known it deep down inside too, but then if I would make her face it now, I was sure her sense and reason would push me away.
Because as I learned, being in love was not enough for her. She wanted a perfect match and I was nowhere near that. Quite the opposite. Everything about my life was exactly what she did not want.
If I would be just a random guy from Canada she would not hesitate to be with me.
If I would be a famous American actor, she would be careful but in the end, would go for it.
If I would be a semi-successful, Japanese businessman, she would be wary of a relationship with me but very probably sooner or later would give in if her feelings were strong enough.
But I was me and she was her. I was everything she did not want.
I was the worst possible version of a man she could fall for.
I was famous. Practically considered a national treasure. In a country that was set on hating her. Even hiding in Canada would not help us. The Japanese tabloids would not have a field day, they would have field months. The attention on us would be insane, the number of stalkers would spike, and there would be nowhere to hide.
And as much as I hated keeping my relationship with Tamiko secret, I would happily spend the rest of my life on a deserted island just with Sophie and Aki.
But that was not an option.
All I could do now was to wait until her feelings would grow, be around her as much as possible until she would, hopefully, not want to be without me. Until she would love me enough that even the idea of going through several months of media attention and increased security would be worth it.
To prove to her that I am worth it. That I can make her happy. Even if it meant telling her how much I love her in Korean or listening to her words of denial that we are just friends and nothing more.
No matter how much hearing that was killing me inside, it was worth every second I could spend around her and Aki.
Because I needed her, once the confrontation would come, to choose me. To fight for what we could have instead of running away from it to the safety of her anonymity.
I knew I was asking for way too much, but I wanted her so bad. I needed her in my life. I craved her presence next to me.
I loved her.
I loved Aki.
I loved them.
And I loved myself when I was around them.
"Sophie?" I whispered, moving my hand up to her neck and into her hair. She only tightened her embrace on me but didn't say anything and I smiled over the small battle she was now fighting with her sleepiness.
"Sophie-chan?"
"Hmm" she mumbled and stirred, her hands lazily stroking my back.
"Would you be willing to wake up?"
"Mmm," she hummed in annoyance and I was grateful for the tiredness that prevented her from possibly punching me, "why?"
I didn't answer, letting her figure it out on her own while my hand slid back on her chest but this time going shamelessly over her breast.
"Seriously, Yuzu?"
"Uhm."
I continued to pay attention to my hand, playing around with the part of her amazing body that was almost as enticing as her bottom.
Almost.
A moment later quiet hum escaped her and I smiled, knowing that I have won, wishing it would be that easy to make her act on her feelings as it was to make her act on the attraction she had towards me.
Unlike me, she kept those two things completely separate.
I moved the duvet away to see her fully, my gaze immediately falling to her fluttering stomach and the long stripes of light going over it through the curtains.
"What are you looking at?" she mumbled and I climbed on top of her, my eyes still cruising over her body.
"I am looking at the sun."
"It's outside."
"I am looking at how the sun looks on you."
She laughed and I finally raised my head, locking my eyes with hers. Kind, soft, and all mine; all of that mixed in that deep green look of hers.
"What was it again that you said last night?" she asked and I momentarily frowned before realizing what she meant and a wide smile spread across my face.
"Saranghae," I whispered, watching her eyes filling with playfulness.
"And what does it mean again?"
I laughed, leaning down and giving her a quick peck before lifting myself again to her gaze.
"I am sure you remember what I said when you asked me last night."
"I want to hear it again."
"It means," I said, leaning down again but this time kissing her neck and muttering against her skin, "that you are beautiful, Sophie-chan. So beautiful."
"Hmm," she hummed and I whispered it again and again.
"Saranghae, Sophie-chan. Saranghae. Saranghae. Saranghae...."
****
Unfortunately, we had to take the shower separately as Akira was already up and when I made it out of the bathroom, Sophie was in the kitchen preparing breakfast and I collapsed on the sofa next to him, unable to contain my wide smile.
"What did you do?" he asked and glanced at the corner behind him to make sure she can't hear us.
"What do you mean?"
"Mum is in such a good mood even though she didn't have a coffee yet. I can't figure it out. So it must be something you did."
"Um," I grinned, scratching the back of my head, "I guess my politics jokes improved?"
He began to happily clap and a moment later flung his hair, poking into my side with an all-knowing look, "I told you, you need to work on those. Glad that at least one of you is listening to me."
I laughed, ruffled his hair, and soon after he was stuffing an Xbox controller into my hand.
****
For the rest of the day, I was trying to find a way how to free my hands from the controller and rather wrap them around Sophie, but not only that Akira was determined to beat every single mission in every game he had but also Sophie was incredibly cautious, making sure she would not make her son suspicious.
As much as I loved spending time with Akira, after several hours of playing games I could not think of anything else but the woman that was sitting right next to me, casually reading a book and radiating with calmness as if there would be not a single worry on her mind.
Making me hopeful that I might be the cause of it.
"Aki," I said, sliding lower on the sofa, barely feeling my fingers, "how about we would take a break?"
"NOW?!" he exclaimed and kept leaning forward, his sole focus on the fight in front of us, "you can't be serious! The orcs are--"
"Aki," now it was Sophie who spoke, her tone stern and resolute, "give him a break for fuck sake. He can barely hold the controller."
Akira sighed, but did pause the game and rolled his eyes, giving me a look full of disappointment, "you need to train harder, Yuzu."
He got up and was just about to go to his room, when Sophie extended her leg and blocked his way, looking at him with her eyebrow raised.
"Um, yes?" he asked, sheepishly taking a cautious step from her.
"Do I really need to say it?"
He quickly shook his head and looked back at me, quietly mumbling, "I am sorry Yuzu. Thank you for helping me with my homework and playing with me the whole day."
I laughed and nodded back at him, "that's alright. I had a blast."
Sophie eyed him carefully and when he looked at her for approval, she moved her leg away and he hurriedly disappeared into his room.
She turned to me to say something but as I just heard the door close behind him, I didn't hesitate and took the book from her hands, pinning her down into the sofa and enjoying her shocked expression.
"W-What the---"
"What?" I said, playing stupid. Or maybe not playing. I was stupid. Stupidly in love with that woman.
"Get off me, Yuzu," she whispered, "Aki can come back any moment."
"We would hear the door first."
"I wouldn't bet on it. He can be very sneaky."
I didn't say anything to that, knowing she is right, but I also couldn't get myself to move away from her. And so I kept looking into her eyes and the more I was doing so, the less she was fighting until she gave up completely and gave in, her body relaxing beneath mine.
I gave her a soft smile and leaned lower for a kiss, closing my eyes when her soft lips touched mine.
"Are you happy, Sophie?" I breathed out, not lifting myself up and staying lying over her.
"Right now?" she asked, sounding surprised by the randomness of the question, "yeah, I suppose I am."
"And tomorrow? Are you happy enough now that it would last through days?"
"Tomorrow is Monday, Yuzu," she chuckled, "nobody is happy on Mondays."
"I will make you happy even on a Monday," I said, hoping she won't remember that she said I should leave on Sunday if I feel better. Or even better, hoping she would remember it but choose not to kick me out.
****
In the evening, I convinced her to go to bed right after Akira so she would get enough sleep and restrained myself from suggesting anything more, ending up only cuddling her to sleep.
And for the morning, I planned to make sure she knows how much she is loved, praying that few more months like that and she would want to keep me in her life forever.