Derek sighed and ran a hand through his hair as he stared down at the papers spread on his desk before him. Meredith was at work, and he'd taken advantage of that opportunity to start figuring out some of their finances. He didn't want her to worry about things like that, but he was starting to wonder exactly how they were going to support two children when they were trying to pay off building a brand new house. He just had to figure this out.
"Derek?" Meredith's voice called as the door slammed closed, and a moment later she appeared in the doorway to his office, smiling widely as she dropped her bag on the floor. "Hi."
"Hey," he sighed, faking a small smile. "How was work? Did anything exciting happen?"
"Good," she sighed. "I talked to them about leaving in May. They were pretty understanding about it, but I might just not come back after spring break in April if I don't want to. I get three months of paid maternity leave, so it doesn't really matter when I leave."
"That's good," he nodded as he turned back to the papers spread in front of him on the desk.
"Hey," Meredith frowned, moving to sit on his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck. "You didn't say hi to the babies."
A true smile spread across his face as he ran a hand over her stomach. "Hi guys," he murmured. "I'm glad you were good for Mommy today. Keep it up for the next few months.
"Mommy would like a kiss from Daddy," Meredith whispered, leaning into him with a smile.
"Hmm," Derek smiled, pressing his lips against hers softly. "Daddy likes kissing Mommy."
"Are you okay?" she whispered as she pulled back. "You seem...off. Sad or something."
"I'm fine," he nodded. "Just a long day."
"Did you lose a patient?" she asked, running a hand through his hair. "Have a hard surgery?"
"No," Derek sighed, resting his chin on her shoulder. "Mer, I'm..." he trailed off, wondering whether he should tell her about this. He wasn't even sure why he was freaking out.
"What?" she asked, looking at him closely. "You're okay, aren't you? Not like... freaking out?"
"Yeah," he sighed. "I'm definitely still excited for the babies. I'm just trying to figure everything out."
"What everything?" Meredith asked.
"Money," Derek sighed.
"Money?"
"Yes," Derek said. "Moving some stuff around, making sure everything's settled for them."
Meredith frowned as she slid out of his lap to lean against the desk. "Derek, I know we're not exactly rich," she said. "But we have enough money. And you'll earn more soon. We can do this."
"I know," Derek sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I just...we're going to be paying off the house for awhile, and I'm still getting a resident's salary, which is pretty substantial, but with you not working next year, I'm trying to figure out a way for us to have enough while saving for two college tuitions and paying off the house, not to mention our everyday expenses. Babies aren't exactly cheap, so I have to work things out."
"Derek..."
"And we have to figure out if we should start trust funds for them," he sighed. "I know it seems early, but we have to figure this out now so we can just...know. And if we start the funds right after they're born, the interest will be substantial by the time they have access to them."
"Derek."
"And then we have to decorate the nursery and buy cribs and high chairs and car seats. I don't want you to worry about this, Mer, because we can do this. We can, I just have to figure out where to move the money around, what accounts to open and when to open them."
"Well, I can help," Meredith said, reaching for some of the bank statements on the desk in front of her.
"No," Derek said. "It's fine, Mer, I can do this."
Meredith frowned as she looked down at him. "What do you mean, no?" she asked. "It's my money too, Derek. For our kids. We should take care of this together."
"I don't want you to worry about this," Derek said, reaching out to rub a hand over her stomach. "The only thing you need to think about is taking care of my babies."
Meredith was completely silent for a moment as she stared at him, and he swallowed hard as he knew he was in trouble. "Is that really what you think?" she asked.
"What?" Derek asked, treading carefully.
"That I can't help you with money because I have to take care of the babies?"
"Well....Mer, I can't very well take care of them myself," Derek said softly. "They're in you."
"I know that," she snapped. "But when they're born in six months will it also be my job to take care of them while you work and pay the bills? Seriously, Derek? You know how I feel about that."
"I do," he nodded. "And that's not what I think."
"Then why did you say that?" Meredith demanded. "Do you think I'm really that stupid?"
"No," Derek shook his head. "I don't. I just...you get to take care of them right now. You're keeping them warm and feeding them and helping them grow. I can't do any of that, so right now...this is the only way I can take care of them. By making sure that they can go to college without worrying about money like I was able to and ensuring that I can give them anything they want."
Meredith stared at him for a moment before she resumed her previous position on his lap. "Derek," she whispered. "It's not money that's bothering you is it?"
"What?" Derek frowned. "It is. Because for the next couple years it's going to be tight until I get an attending's salary..."
"Derek," she said, cupping his face in her hand. "Talk to me."
Derek sighed as he leaned into her touch. "I'm scared, Meredith," he whispered.
"Of what?" she asked, reaching for his hand and bringing it to her stomach.
"Being a dad."
"Derek, you're going to be an amazing father," she said. "I see how you are with Meg and Joey, and when I taught first grade...Derek, you love kids. And they love you."
"But those kids aren't mine," Derek sighed. "I don't...I don't know how to be a dad."
"Yes you do," she nodded. "You told me I'm already a good mom. And you're already a good dad."
"It's different," he breathed. "Because you're connected to them right now."
"You're connected to them," Meredith frowned. "Derek, they're your children."
"I know, but...you're the only one who's really connected to them," he whispered. "They're apart of you."
"Physically," Meredith nodded. "But these babies are as much apart of you as they are of me. They're your children, Derek, and you already love them so much. You're giving me everything I need, which means you're giving the babies everything they need. And I know that you have sonogram pictures in your wallet. And you're worrying about the nursery and providing for them. You haven't missed a single doctor's appointment, and you've made sure that every single craving has been fulfilled. You love these babies so much already, and that's all they need. They just need a daddy to love them."
"I do love them," he sighed. "So incredibly much."
"That's all they need," she said softly. "And I know babies can be expensive, but Derek, we're good savers. I know it would be easier if I worked next year, but...I really don't want to. And since we can do this on your salary for a year, I want to stay home with them. By the time I go back to work, they'll be fifteen months old, and it will be okay to leave them."
"I don't want you to work," Derek shook his head. "I wish I could take the year off."
Meredith smiled softly. "It will be okay, Derek," she murmured. "Do you feel better?"
"Yeah," he murmured. "Thanks."
Meredith examined him for a moment before she stated, "you're thinking about your dad."
"It's kind of hard not to," Derek said softly. "I always thought when I was a dad, I would be able to turn to him for advice."
"I'm sorry, Derek," Meredith whispered. "I know how much you relied on him for advice."
"I miss him," Derek sighed. "I always want to tell him about the babies. Or when we bought the cribs last week, or when we got our new pictures and Baby A was sucking on its thumb. Those are the things I want to talk to him about."
"Okay," Meredith said, jumping out of his lap and reaching for his hand. "Let's go."
"What?" Derek frowned as she pulled him towards the door.
"When was the last time you went to see your dad?"
"Um...I went to see him in October," Derek sighed. "Right after we found out."
"That was forever ago," Meredith rolled her eyes. "Do you have your wallet? With the pictures from last week?"
"Of course," Derek said, smiling at his wife as she slipped into her jacket. "Mer, we can't just go to the cemetery."
"Why not?" she asked. "He's your dad, Der. He deserves to know about his grandchildren."
"It's January," he sighed. "It's not good for you to be sitting on the ground in the cold."
"I feel fine," she waved him off. "It's not raining, and who knows when that will happen again."
"Mer, you really don't have to do this."
"For God's sake," Meredith rolled her eyes as she moved off the porch. "I'm going to go see Dad. If you want to come, come. If not, stay here and worry about money. It's your call."
Derek sighed as he followed her out to the car, knowing there wasn't a choice, not really. "Sorry Mer," he murmured as he started the car.
"For what?" she asked, looking at him with a smile playing on her lips.
"Nothing," he said, reaching for her hand. He definitely wasn't going to miss the mood swings.
"Okay," she said as she turned to look out the window, squeezing his hand tightly.
When they reached the cemetery, Derek reached for her hand again, squeezing tightly as they approached the secluded grave under a tree in the corner of the cemetery. "Hey Dad," Derek said, kneeling on the ground and pulling Meredith with him. "Sorry we haven't been in awhile."
"We've been busy," Meredith sighed. "Which I know isn't really an excuse, but...I think you'll like the reason."
"Mer's pregnant," Derek breathed, pulling his wife closer and running a hand over her stomach. "I'm going to be a dad."
"An amazing dad," Meredith giggled.
"We're having twins, Dad," Derek said, tears filling his eyes. "In six months, we're going to have two babies who are completely ours."
"It's too early to tell if they're boys or girls," Meredith continued. "But Derek has pictures."
"I do," Derek nodded, reaching into his pocket and pulling the sonogram pictures out of his pocket. "These are our babies. The ones who will carry on the Shepherd name."
"They're beautiful babies," Meredith whispered, taking the pictures from Derek's hand and settling them against the gravestone. "You should keep them. We've got tons of others. And a long time from now, maybe in the fall, we'll bring them to meet you."
"They'll know all about you," Derek said softly. "We'll all make sure they know how amazing their grandpa was."
"Derek," Meredith whispered, turning to him. "Can I have the keys?"
"Are you okay?" he frowned, handing her the keys.
"I'm fine," she said, pressing her lips against his cheek. "I just think you could use a couple minutes alone with him."
"Thanks," Derek said, squeezing her hand.
"Bye Daddy," Meredith murmured, pressing a kiss to her fingertips and pressing her fingers against Michael's name. "We'll come back soon so you can see me when I'm huge and fat."
"If she's not on bed rest," Derek laughed. "I'll be there in a minute, Mer."
"Take your time," she assured him, balancing herself on his shoulder as she stood and walked towards the car, rubbing her stomach carefully.
Derek inhaled deeply as he turned back to his father, staring at the words on the tombstone for a moment before he shook his head slightly. "I'm scared, Dad," he whispered. "I'm trying to be strong for Mer, and I'm excited to, but...God, I'm so scared. I've wanted to be a father for as long as I can remember, and as soon as I met Mer, I knew that I wanted to have her babies. But now that it's actually happening, I'm so scared. And it's two babies, not just one, which is even more terrifying. I always thought I would be able to get advice from you about this stuff, but now you're gone and I'm so scared."
"Mer's going to be an amazing mom. She already is. She walks around with this gorgeous smile on her face and she's constantly rubbing her belly. It's a beautiful belly, and my babies are so lucky to have such a safe home. She's going to be an incredible mom, and I just hope that I can be as good a parent as her. So if you could watch out for us, make sure that we do this right, it would really make me feel better about this whole thing. I know you've held my hand my entire life, and now it's time for me to take that responsibility for two other people, but...I still need you, Dad. I miss you so much, and I just hope that you can watch out for my kids. Be their guardian angel or something. Thanks, Dad. I'll be back soon, I promise. Until Mer's on bed rest, and then I'm not leaving her side. But...thanks. I love you."
He sighed as he stood up, letting the cold winter wind wash over his face for a moment before turning back to the car where his family was waiting for him.
"Hey," he said as he slid into the driver's side of the car, leaning closer to kiss Meredith gently.
"Hi," she smiled, her hand moving to his cheek. "You feel better?"
"Much," he nodded. "Thanks."
"Just doing my wifely duty or whatever," she shrugged.
"I love it when you're wifely," Derek said. "And I love that you know me better than I know myself."
Meredith smiled. "That's what I'm here for," she said.
"Hmm," Derek nodded. "So what do you want to do now?"
"Well...your babies seem to think it's a good time for dinner," Meredith grinned sweetly.
"It's three in the afternoon."
"So we'll have two dinners," Meredith shrugged. "Eating for three is not easy you know."
"And somehow you've managed just fine," Derek laughed. "Where are we going?"
"Margarita's," she said, referring to their favorite Mexican restaurant. "The babies want quesodillas."