The bed was cold.
That was all Meredith could think as she rolled over in the darkness, squeezing her eyes closed when she realized that she was staring at the stars, and Derek wasn't beside her. She listened carefully for a moment, hoping to hear the sound of running water from the bathroom or soft movements from the kitchen, but everything was silent, which meant that Derek was probably fishing in the dark again.
She didn't hate the trailer. If she thought about it, she actually loved the trailer completely. It was quiet and secluded, and she couldn't help but love the fantasy of living with Derek on the cliff they both loved so much. She could definitely loved living in the trailer, but she didn't right now. She couldn't love the trailer, because Derek was using it to hide.
He hadn't spent a single night in their bed since he'd bought the trailer, and she'd gone out there with him in hopes that he would open up to her for the first time in too long. She had been so glad the first time he'd cried on her shoulder, knowing that things were likely to be turning around. But he had barely said a word to her since then, speaking only the bare minimum as he left the trailer for work and returned to the trailer to cook her dinner. He usually held her as she fell asleep, but she always woke alone and cold in the middle of the night, missing his arms around her. Earlier that night, he had made love to her for the first time since his father had died with an intensity that she had rarely seen before. He'd been gentle and tender, but his kisses had been more urgent, his motions determined and insistent. She had fallen asleep in his arms, hoping that their love making would lull him into a peaceful sleep as it had to her. Apparently she'd been completely wrong.
With a sigh, she reached for her jeans and Derek's sweatshirts, dressing quickly before she reached for her cell phone and a flashlight, hating that she had to do this. She hated walking through the woods in the middle of the night to see her fiancé and make sure he was alright.
"Derek," she breathed as her flashlight landed on him sitting on the ground, fishing pole in hand as several beer cans surrounded his cans. "What are you doing?"
"Why aren't you in bed?" Derek asked emotionlessly without turning to look at her.
"I was just about to ask you the same thing," Meredith sighed, reaching for the beer can in his hands and throwing it into the lake.
"I was drinking that," Derek frowned.
"You've had enough," she replied, moving his pole so she could settle into his lap. "Derek, please talk to me."
"I don't know what you want me to say," Derek murmured, leaning into her touch as she ran her fingers through his hair.
"I want you to tell me what you're thinking," Meredith whispered. "I won't judge, Derek, I love you. That doesn't change because you're hurting."
"I'm wondering how a two hundred dollar watch can be worth a human life," Derek whispered, tears filling his eyes. "I'm wondering how I'm supposed to be a husband and a father without my dad supporting me. I'm wondering why I can't be enough for my family, for my boss...for you. I don't know anything anymore, Meredith, and I don't know how to be the same person I was without my dad. I depended on him for everything."
"Derek, you are enough," she whispered. "More than enough. That's the reason I've been so worried about you. Because you've been completely obsessed with taking care of everyone else that you haven't been taking care of yourself."
"I'm scared," he whispered, burying his face in her hair.
Meredith paused for a moment before she stood and pulled him to his feet. "Come on," she said, pulling him back towards the trailer.
"Mer..." he started, but she shook her head even though she knew he couldn't see her in the dark.
"We're talking," she said. "And I need to see you and not be terrified of a bear attack while we're talking."
She was rewarded with a slight chuckle. "There aren't any bears here," he said.
"Well...good," she nodded as she opened the door to the trailer and shoved him inside. She settled him onto the bed and placed herself on his lap, mirroring their position from the dark lakeside. "Why are you scared?" she whispered, moving her hands through his hair.
"I'm scared that I won't be able to be a good man," Derek whispered. "I always followed my dad's example, and now that he's gone, I'm scared that I won't be able to do this. I'm scared that I won't be able to be the man of the house the way he did. I'm scared that I'm going to change and you won't love me anymore."
"Oh, Derek," she whispered. "I will always love you. Always. Even when I hate you."
Derek tightened his arms around her, burying his face in her shoulder. "I can't be the same man I was," he whispered. "This has changed me, Mer, and I don't know if it's possible for me to be a better man because of my dad's death."
"You have changed," Meredith whispered, rocking him slowly. "But whether it's a good or a bad change is up to you."
"I don't think I can change for the better because of my dad dying," Derek whispered. "I can't benefit from that."
"It's not you benefiting from it," Meredith insisted. "It's taking a really horrible situation and making the best of it. I know it's hard, but I'm not running. Ever."
"How?" Derek whispered. "How do I get through this?"
"Well," Meredith sighed. "The first thing you have to do is think about who your dad would want you to be."
"What?" Derek asked, looking up at her with wet eyes.
"Would your dad want you to do what you're doing?" Meredith asked. "Getting up, going to work and going through the mechanics of the day without really feeling anything before going home and drinking beer after beer while sitting at the lake? Or would he want you to be an honorable, responsible man who grieves and then moves on with his life, making sure to uphold all the beliefs and principles that he taught you?"
"He'd want me to move on," Derek whispered. "He'd want me to take care of the family, and he would want me to pursue my career and make sure that I could make you happy with me. And he'd want me to be a good father, to spoil my daughters and teach my sons how to fish and camp."
"See," Meredith sighed. "I think you just made your decision."
"I know that," Derek breathed. "That's who I want to be. But I don't know how to get there."
"I'll help," Meredith nodded, reaching for the nightstand. "And the first thing you're going to do is start studying for your intern exam."
Derek sighed as he reached for the textbook she was holding out. "Are you sure you love me?" he asked.
"Positive," she giggled slightly.
"Then why are you making me study?" Derek asked, a familiar sparkle moving back into his eyes.
"Because your test is four months away," Meredith said firmly. "And I'm a teacher."
Derek sighed dramatically as he set the book on the table and wrapped his arms tighter around her. "You know I haven't been paying much attention to work lately," he sighed.
"Oh really?" Meredith asked, raising her eyebrow.
"Mmmhmm," Derek nodded. "I think I need a refresher on the female anatomy."
"Well, Dr. Shepherd," Meredith sighed. "I'm not sure that's completely appropriate."
"Please," he whispered, pressing a kiss to her shoulder.
"I guess I can help you," she murmured, pulling away from him to pull her shirt over her head. "But I'm going to need something from you first."
"What?" Derek breathed, looking up at her with eyes that were laced with sadness.
"A smile," Meredith requested, looking down at him as she traced the outline of his lips with her finger. "I love your smile. And I get why you haven't been smiling lightly, but...I think I could really use a smile from my fiancé before I let him explore my anatomy."
"Hmmm," Derek nodded, looking up at her with a small smile.
"A real smile," she whispered. "Do you know that in exactly four months from today, I'll be Meredith Shepherd? We'll be married and I'll be Meredith Shepherd."
It took a moment, but a completely full smile spread across his face as he reached up to play with the soft curls at the end of her hair. "Meredith Shepherd," he sighed. "Mrs. Shepherd."
"There it is," Meredith giggled as she shoved his fishing vest over his shoulders. "And now I believe it's time for you to explore my anatomy, Dr. Shepherd."
"I appreciate your assistance...Miss Grey."
Meredith giggled loudly as Derek flipped her onto her back, pressing soft kisses down her chest. He was back. He was going to be different, but Derek was back.
XXXXX
"Good morning, beautiful."
Meredith groaned as she felt Derek lingering over her. "Too early," she moaned.
"It's noon," Derek laughed.
"Yes, but someone kept me up all night."
"Well...I needed to remember my anatomy," Derek protested.
"It seems to me like you remembered it pretty well," Meredith sighed as she turned onto her back, opening her eyes as she looked up at him. "Hi."
"Hi," Derek smiled, leaning down to kiss her lips gently.
"Did you seriously just call me beautiful?" she giggled against his lips.
"Last time I ever try to be romantic," Derek sighed, sliding a tray of pancakes into her lap.
"Breakfast," she breathed, reaching for the fork and cutting them before looking carefully at Derek. "Are you okay?"
"I am," Derek nodded. "I really am, Mer, I promise."
"You look better," she whispered, setting her fork down to run her fingers through his hair. "More like the man I love."
"I know I've been weird, lately, Mer," he sighed. "And I'm sorry..."
"Don't be sorry," she shook her head. "Derek, you've been through the worst trauma a person can face, and I know that it's been hard. You're not going to get better automatically, and I just want to help you."
"I'll let you," Derek nodded. "I promise, Mer. I'm going to be better."
"I know you won't be the same," she whispered. "I just want you. The real you, even if you've changed. And I know the real you isn't some shell of a man who depends on alcohol to be happy."
"I'm not," Derek shook his head. "And while I can't really be happy yet, I'm trying. To figure out how to do this without dad."
"Good," Meredith smiled, picking up her fork and digging into her pancakes.
"I was thinking," Derek said as he slid under the covers beside her.
"Well, that's a start," Meredith giggled around her fork.
"You're mean."
"Sorry," Meredith giggled. "What were you thinking?"
"That we should live here."
"Okay, I'm really trying to support you right now," Meredith said. "But...you want to live in a trailer?"
"No," Derek shook his head. "Or well...yes."
"Which one is it?" Meredith asked wearily.
"I want to start the house," Derek said. "When our lease is up on the apartment, we can live here, watch our house get built."
"Der," Meredith sighed, putting her fork down and reaching for his hand. "You wanted to wait until you're further in your residency to move out here."
"I know," he nodded. "But now...it's all so uncertain. Life, where we're going to be tomorrow. And I want to make sure that I have everything I want out of life. With you. So now I can't even remember why I wanted to wait, because nothing would make me happier than to build a house with you, Meredith Grey."
"Are you sure?" she asked carefully.
"Positive," Derek nodded. "I want everything with you, Mer. And I don't want to wait."
Meredith pulled back and eyed him suspiciously. "Why do I think you're talking about more than a house?" she asked.
"Well, I was thinking...babies," Derek said with a smile.
"Babies," Meredith repeated, staring at him.
"I want you to have my babies," Derek said, reaching out to trail a hand over her stomach.
"Derek," she shook her head, pushing his hand off of her stomach. "No."
"Why not?" Derek frowned. "You said we would have babies."
"I know," Meredith nodded. "I love you, Derek, I do. And if you're ready to build a house, that's amazing, because I'm ready for that too. I'm ready to marry you, but I'm not ready to have babies."
"But we can't wait," Derek said. "We don't know what's going to happen, and I want to have everything I can with you."
"Derek," she sighed, moving the tray aside and leaning into his embrace. "We can't take steps we're not ready for just because we're scared of what's coming tomorrow."
"I want kids," he whispered. "I want your kids."
"I want your kids too," Meredith nodded. "But Derek...are you ready for them?"
"I want them," he nodded. "That means I'm ready."
"No," Meredith shook her head. "It doesn't. First of all, I refuse to be a pregnant bride. And second of all, I will not raise a baby in a trailer. Especially when Daddy is working crazy shifts at the hospital and isn't ever home."
"But..."
"We'll have kids," Meredith promised. "And then we'll be able to enjoy it. I want to spend time with my husband for a couple years before we have babies. If we have kids now, we'll never spend real time together as husband and wife, not Mommy and Daddy. And then we'll end up resenting each other and...Derek, I can't have babies yet."
"Okay," Derek sighed. "But...when you're ready you'll tell me? So we can try?"
"Yes," Meredith nodded. "But it will be a long time before I'm ready, Derek. I want you to be here for babies, because I can't do it myself."
"You won't," he whispered, squeezing her tightly. "I know I'm weird right now, Mer, but I'll get better. And I'm not running."
"I know," she nodded against his chest. "Me either."
"Good," Derek smiled. "I love you."
"I love you too," Meredith sighed as she pressed her lips against his.
"I need to go see Mom today," Derek murmured.
"Do you want me to go with you?" she asked.
"Of course," Derek nodded. "I need you, Mer. Mom's a mess, and I have to be strong for her. But I need you to be strong for me."
"I can do that," she nodded. "I want to be strong for you."
"Thank you," Derek sighed as he leaned into her. This was going to be hard. He wasn't sure exactly how he was going to move on from his father's death, but he had his fiancé to lean on, and that's all that mattered. He'd mourn his father's death, but he knew that he would eventually move on, always thinking about what his father would want for him. And now it was time for him to become a better man because of it.