Pairing: SKZ & Felix
Genre: Idol AU
!!TW!! : Littlespace, secret-keeping, angst, anxiety, bullying, mild eating and sleeping issues, overwork, lots of crying
(requested by @Compass. Lovely)
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Felix let out a shuddering breath as the cold water hit his body, effectively snapping him right out of the headspace he almost slipped into. He could feel himself growing emotional from the abrupt wake-up call, but he did what he'd always done best and completely ignored the calls of his little side, focusing on showering and getting rid of any remnants of his headspace in prevision for the day.
He'd woken up cuddled by Hyunjin and Jisung, the warmth cocooning him and their arms securely woven around him making him feel small and safe – to the point where he'd woken up with his thumb in his mouth and the satisfying, gooey clouds that filled his head whenever he slipped. Thankfully, he'd managed to extricate himself from their grasps in time, and they were barely waking up that Felix was already rushing to the bathroom so he could snap back to his senses before he lost complete control. He knew he'd have to find an excuse once he faced his boyfriends again, but he'd figure something out – he always did.
Stray Kids debuting as a group had been a dream come true and, after almost losing his chance at debuting with everyone else, Felix had made an oath to do everything in his power to ensure he wouldn't get kicked out again. In order to achieve that, he needed to work hard and ensure he didn't cause anyone any trouble.
That included repressing his headspace, and not telling anyone that he was a little.
When their tightly-knit bonds eventually evolved into genuine, romantic love, Felix was struck by the fact that all of his wonderful boyfriends had fallen in love with a fake – with someone he wasn't, with a mask he forced himself to wear. Would they still love him once they realized he'd lied to them? Once they found the real him?
He didn't want to doubt them. He knew they were amazing, open-minded people. But stronger than the hope was the fear, and so Felix kept his mouth shut.
He'd managed to repress his headspace for a long time. He only let himself slip on very special days, when he was absolutely guaranteed that no one else would be around for at least an hour – but those days rarely happened before and, now that they were all dating, being alone was practically impossible. So, Felix was forced to let the stress and anxiety accumulate without any way of coping with it.
It was becoming harder not to slip. With seven wonderful, caring boyfriends, every single gesture made him feel all fuzzy inside. The head pats, the kisses, the cuddles, Minho teasingly feeding him some ramen or Hyunjin helping him dress up properly for the colder weather or Jeongin carrying him around just to show off—
Yeah, it was hard. Repressing his headspace was almost painful, and the guilt of lying to the people he loved the most didn't help at all.
"Felix, sweetheart?" It was Hyunjin who was knocking at the door of the bathroom. "Are you alright?"
Felix let out a shaky breath as he turned off the water. "I- I'm fine! Give me a sec!"
Quickly grabbing a towel to wrap around his waist, he grabbed a second one to start drying his hair and finally went to unlock the door. Worry was written all over Hyunjin's face, which made the guilt in Felix's stomach grow even more.
"You rushed out pretty quickly. Are you okay?"
"I just felt a little nauseous." Lies, always lies. It scared him, how easy it was becoming to lie to everyone he cared about. "I thought I was going to throw up, but I didn't, and I figured a cold shower would help – which it did. I feel better, now."
The concern in Hyunjin's eyes only grew, though. "Are you sure? Still, you shouldn't push yourself too hard today. Take it easy, alright? And tell me right away if you start feeling sick again."
"I will, I promise."
"Good." Relaxing a bit, Hyunjin then smiled at him, gently taking a hold of the towel Felix was using to dry his hair. "Come on, let's go back to the room so someone else can shower – I'll dry your hair for you."
"You don't have to—"
"I want to. It's not every day we get a lazy morning, so let me enjoy this."
Felix knew he was going to love Hyunjin tenderly drying his hair – he'd love it too much, really. But he knew it'd be suspicious if he refused, and he also really wanted some sort of comfort after the emotional whiplash he'd suffered through because of how abruptly he'd pulled himself out of his headspace. So, with a small nod, Felix grabbed Hyunjin's hand and let the older guide him back to the room. Not slipping would definitely be a challenge, but he could handle it – like always.
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"—and as such, Minsoo-ssi will be your new dance instructor until further notice."
Their usual dance instructor was pregnant and her eventually going on maternity leave was only expected – Felix simply didn't think it'd be this soon. It admittedly saddened him because he quite liked the older woman. She always treated them with respect even though she was older and more experienced, she always asked for their ideas and respected their opinions, and she also enjoyed a good prank every now and then.
But this new instructor, Minsoo, looked like the total opposite. Their eyes met, and Felix couldn't help but shrink back a little as the older man glared at him. Had Felix done something wrong? Had he offended him somehow? But they'd only just met!
Before he could start fully panicking, however, Minsoo looked away.
"I look forward to working with all of you," he announced, a tad imperiously. "I expect hard work, diligence, and discipline. I expect a lot from all of you, and those who can't keep up will just have to work even harder, got it?"
They all nodded in agreement, though Felix couldn't help but start to worry. The entire group, while extremely hard-working and professional, was also used to a slightly more laidback atmosphere. He simply hoped the new dance instructor would loosen up soon enough.
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As it turned out, Felix had every right to be worried. Minsoo was not only a hard-ass and a very difficult person to please, he was also the type of man who enjoyed putting people down for the sheer sake of it. So far, he'd managed to insult every single one of the members in such a backhanded way that none of them could actually defend themselves, else they'd be causing trouble. But, for some reason, Felix couldn't help but feel like Minsoo was being particularly harsh on him. He didn't know if that was really the case, if the man truly was targeting him for some reason, or if he was just more sensitive to everything because of his repressed headspace.
One thing was for certain, though – by the end of their first dance session with Minsoo, he felt like crying.
"Yongbok-ah, a word, please."
The freckled boy stiffened at being called out, already halfway through the door. He very briefly considered just making a run for it but, when he met Seungmin's slightly worried expression, he forced himself to smile at his boyfriend.
"Go ahead, I'll catch up," he urged softly.
Whatever the instructor was going to say, he had the feeling it wouldn't be anything good, and he didn't want Seungmin to get in trouble for defending him. Not entirely convinced, the younger still went ahead and, as soon as he was gone, Felix returned inside the studio.
He shifted in place, a tad awkwardly, as Minsoo stared him down. After a few seconds of thick silence, it became too much and he decided to speak up.
"What—"
"I have no clue what JYP saw in you."
Ice slithered in Felix's veins as his mouth snapped shut.
"You're clumsy, graceless, inelegant. Your movements are hardly controlled and your dancing emulates a robot with two left feet. You can't even memorize the choreography properly no matter how many times I've repeated myself – and let me tell you this, Yongbok-ah: I hate repeating myself."
"Sir, I- I don't—"
"You are going to stay here and practice for three extra hours. You are going to film every second of it so I know you actually did it. And if I'm not satisfied with the results tomorrow, then you're doing it all over again until you get it right. Am I understood?"
Felix blanched a bit. They'd already been dancing for seven hours straight, he was exhausted, and it was already eight in the evening. At that point, he wouldn't be home before midnight rolled around, and then the physical exhaustion and the lack of sleep would only make repressing his little side even more difficult—
"I said—" Minsoo's voice tore through the air like a bullet, making him flinch as the older man suddenly towered over him, seething. "—Am I understood? Or do I need to tell you in English so your dumb, foreigner brain finally gets it?"
"I- I understand," choked out the freckled boy.
"Good. Get to it."
With a stiff nod, Felix went to put his bag back near the wall and he picked up his phone so he could set it up and start filming. Minsoo glared at him for a few more moments before finally leaving, slamming the door shut behind him. Once certain he wasn't coming back, Felix slapped a hand over his mouth, though it did very little to muffle the sob that tore through his throat. He heaved a few times, fighting back his tears and, most importantly, his need to slip. It's only a few minutes later that he finally managed to regain a semblance of control over his emotions and, when he did, he finally noticed that his boyfriends had texted him.
|Channie-hyung|
Minsoo-ssi told us you wanted to work on the choreography a little longer, and that you insisted when he tried to tell you to go home for the night. We all know how you get when you slip into a perfectionist mindset, but don't push yourself too hard, okay?
|Minnie-hyung|
If you're not back before midnight I'm calling the police. Take care of yourself.
|Changbinnie-hyung|
Don't come home too late, pixie. There are cuddles waiting when you get home!
|Hyunjinnie|
I wanted to stay and practice with you, but Minsoo-ssi said you wanted to be alone, so I'll leave you to it. But you know I'd be happy to help, right? I love you, Lixie.
|Sungie|
I'm staying late at the studio to work on a beat. Just come up when you're done and we can go home together, alright? Love you.
|Seungminnie|
Did Minsoo-ssi say anything out of place? If so, don't listen to him. He probably just had a bad day – he had it out for everyone today. Just don't push yourself too hard okay?
|Innie|
Everyone's a bit worried, Lix-hyung. Just don't start shutting us out, okay?
Felix exhaled shakily as he sent a quick reassurance to the group chat before putting his phone away. It looked like the instructor had lied to his boyfriends – it really was the only way he could have convinced any of them to leave without him. He knew their worries were justified, however.
A little over a year ago, Felix had pushed himself to the point where he got really sick. He kept on overworking himself, he was never satisfied with anything he did, and he completely shut out his precious members. It's only once he passed out during a group practice that they finally realized he was too far gone to even consider asking for help, and it had taken everyone months to finally heal from the incident.
Felix knew they were all scared that he'd get stuck into that mindset again, but it's not like he could tell them the truth – he didn't have any proof other than his word, and Minsoo was obviously a good liar. Plus, the company would hate to be bothered with having to find another instructor, and it'd only cause trouble for everyone. Plus, if they did kick Minsoo out, then their schedules would become messed up and their projects would be set back because of the lack of instructor, and the last thing Felix wanted was to hinder their comeback.
No, it was better if he just kept silent and did as told. If he worked really hard and proved to Minsoo that he was good enough, then surely the man would lay off of him, right?
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Two weeks after Minsoo's introduction to the team, it became quite obvious to Felix that the dance instructor was, in fact, targeting him. He didn't know why, but the man really had it out for him. While he wasn't nice to anyone and never gave out a single compliment to any of the others, he was downright mean to Felix.
The instructor had set up a routine after practice – one where he would go into an adjacent room and take a few minutes to discuss with each member what they needed to work on or improve the next day. He did it in private so no one would be embarrassed, or so he said – but truth of the matter was, he used those little meetings to really mess with Felix's head.
Though none of the others liked him, they believed him to be good at what he was, and just a tad antipathetic by nature. From what Felix had gathered, Minsoo acted very professionally with everyone else, and he pointed out actual mistakes they did or actual things they could improve, providing feedback and advice like a good mentor would.
But with Felix, there was never anything he could improve – he needed to start over from scratch because nothing was even good enough to be improved upon. Minsoo found a sadistic glee in putting Felix down for any reason he could think of – from his lack of dancing skills that reminded him of a three-legged baboon to his looks that just "stood out in the worst way and made the others look bad".
And through all of the emotional torment, Felix couldn't even catch a break on the physical side. Minsoo was even more demanding of him, and he kept on telling him to stay back and practice more if he didn't want to drag down the entire group. And, while Felix genuinely tried his hardest not to believe a single, awful word that the man spit out like bullets, it was becoming harder by the day.
He was emotionally drained, physically exhausted, and mentally gone – his anxiety was on a constant high that kept him from eating and sleeping properly, he felt like bursting into tears every single day, and repressing his headspace was becoming too hard to handle.
It was too much and, after two weeks of torment, Felix finally cracked.
"—good for nothing! Do you even realize just how many mistakes you did today? I tried counting them and I couldn't because you made so many! What are your fans going to think? Everyone else is working so hard and finally getting somewhere, but you're just lagging behind and keeping everyone down—"
At this point, Felix was already half-tuning him out. But, for some reason, Minsoo was even angrier today and, when he noticed Felix wasn't fully paying him attention, he snapped and roughly grabbed the boy by his arm, pulling him close and effectively snapping him out of his numb daze.
"What—"
"Listen when your elders speak, you brat!" hissed Minsoo, practically foaming at the mouth. "Do you find it funny to waste my time and everyone's else? To waste everyone's efforts? You're talentless and worthless – if you want to do one thing right for this group, then you should just quit!!!"
Felix didn't know what hurt more – the venomous words literally spat in his face, or the iron grip that was crushing his arm and making the sore muscles twitch and stiffen in pain. Either way, though, it became too much. Overwhelmed, Felix finally lost what little control he had left over his headspace and, giving in to his fight-or-flight instincts, he managed to tear himself out of the man's grasp and made a run for it.
He stumbled through the door, ignoring Minsoo's indignant shouts, and made a beeline for the closest bathroom. As soon as he managed to lock himself into a stall, he collapsed in the corner while cradling his throbbing arm and started crying, painful sobs ripping out his throat as hot, fat tears burned his cheeks. He wanted the pain to go away, he wanted to feel safe and loved and cared for and he didn't want to be alone he just wanted- he wanted—
"Mama," he choked out, sniffling as he curled up on himself. "Wan' mama...!"
And, if things couldn't get any worse, he heard the door of the bathroom open. He instantly tried to stifle his cries, afraid the bad man was going to hurt him again but, after a few seconds of silence, a pair of familiar sneakers stopped in front of his stall.
"Lix? Is that you? Are you crying?"
Relief washed over him as Jisung's voice reached him, but he was too far gone to properly communicate – and also too far gone to remember that Jisung didn't know about his headspace. He was just happy to finally have someone he trusted around, and mindless babbles started escaping him along with his sobs.
On the other side of the door, Jisung was at a bit of a loss, unsure of what to do. He now knew for certain that it was Felix locked in the stall, but the last time he'd heart such heart-wrenching sobs was when... was when the freckled boy got eliminated. Dreading what could have caused his precious sunshine such distress, Jisung didn't think twice before laying down on the floor and literally crawling under the door.
Twisting his body left and right, he eventually managed to get inside the stall. It was incredibly cramped, what with now two bodies occupying it, but he didn't think anything of it as his eyes landed on Felix's curled up form, his little frame shaken by his sobs. He looked so small and helpless in that moment, Jisung didn't think twice before carefully reaching out for him and pulling him into his lap.
"Aigoo, what's wrong, baby?" he cooed, tucking Felix's head under his chin as the day-younger burrowed his face in his chest. "Why such tears?"
Felix was babbling again in a weird mix of slurred English and Korean, his cries finally dying down a bit as his boyfriend rocked him back and forth. Jisung was momentarily struck by just how much Felix looked and acted like a baby in that moment, but he quickly forgot about it when his eyes landed on something alarming.
Felix's tiny fingers were clutched into his shirt, his sleeve having slipped down and revealing a large, worrying bruise circling his upper arm. Felix shuddered when Jisung carefully traced a finger over it, the freckled boy letting out a small whimper, and Jisung saw red when he noticed the bruise was shaped like a hand.
"Who did this, Lix?" he asked, trying to keep the anger out of his mouth so as not to distress him further. "Felix, who hurt you?"
But Felix didn't answer, still sniffling a bit, and now mouthing at his clothed chest, for some reason. Understanding he wouldn't be able to get any answers without help, and also realizing that maybe a narrow stall in a public bathroom wasn't the best place for a heart-to-heart, Jisung settled for going back to the dance studio, where the rest of their boyfriends were waiting for them.
(The only reason Jisung had known something was wrong was because he'd been coming back from filling his water bottle when he'd seen Felix run past him as if the devil himself was hot on his heels – hence why he'd followed him to the bathroom.)
With no little amount of effort, Jisung managed to unlock the door and, with finally a little more room to move, he managed to push himself back to his feet without letting go of Felix. The freckled boy had instinctively wrapped his arms around Jisung's neck and his legs around his boyfriend's waist, clinging to him like a small koala, and Jisung felt an intense fondness burst through his chest.
He didn't fully understand what was wrong with Felix right now, but... well, there was no denying that he was quite cute at the moment.
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I have a particular fondness for littlespace, and more particularly Little!Lix AUs. Pretty sure I've read them all but if anyone has Little!Felix stories to share (your own or someone else's, doesn't matter), feel free to do so in the comments!