Pairing: Jeongin & Felix
Genre: Idol AU
!!TW!! : angst, trauma, mentioned non-con, mentioned manipulation, WOOJIN, basically "why" he left but not really 'cause it's pretty extreme but I just couldn't get the idea out of my head, mentioned psychological and physical abuse, mentioned rape, implied harassment, victim blaming, guilt, I think underage should also be tagged since Felix wasn't legal at the time?, please don't take this as hate toward Woojin I'm just using the fact that he's an ex-member as inspiration and these are not actual or factual allegations against him, separation anxiety, codependency, confrontation
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It wasn't easy.
Even two years after everything went down, it still wasn't easy. Even with Woojin out of the picture, even with the fans finally coming to terms with the fact that he wasn't coming back, even with the tensions in the group finally dying down and their bonds growing tighter and their popularity growing by the day—
No, Felix doubted it'd ever get "easy".
Sometimes, it almost felt like a fever dream. He'd wake up some mornings and not even remember it happened – and when the memories came crashing down on him out of nowhere, he felt like he could suffocate and drown in the pain they brought along. Even with the support of his groupmates and the psychologist he met with twice a month, Felix still had a hard time moving on from what happened.
(Frankly, he doubted he ever would. It felt like everyone simply expected him to forget about it and move on with his life now that two years had passed, but his trauma wasn't some sort of band-aid he could just rip off and throw away – it was a deep wound to the soul that was only just starting to scar, and the mark would never fully go away.)
It wasn't to say that he was unhappy. Lately, he had a lot more good days than bad ones – he'd grown more confident in his Korean and his looks, he no longer doubted his place in the group, and he could now smile again without feeling like an impostor every time he did so. While Woojin's psychological abuse had definitely left its mark, Felix had managed to overcome most of his issues thanks to the constant love and support from his members and his fans.
He'd grown to love himself, too. To be more forgiving of his own flaws and humanity. Sometimes, he'd wonder if he'd simply grown too exhausted of hating himself – but most of the days, he genuinely felt proud and content of his achievements and progress, so he'd take what he could get. But the hardest was, without a doubt, the guilt that constantly plagued his heart.
To this day, he still couldn't shake off the feeling that he could have done more, that he could have done things differently, that if he'd just done something then maybe Jeongin wouldn't have gotten caught up this mess too.
During the less good days, he often questioned himself. He still wondered if he actively consented to it, if maybe Woojin was right and he did say "yes", if maybe he was as much to blame for everything as his tormentor was—
"You're spiraling, love. Come back to me."
Gentle words and a feather-like kiss. Felix blinked a few times, reconnecting with reality, and belatedly remembering that he wasn't alone. Shaking his head a bit, he offered a small, apologetic smile at the boy – no, he was a man, now – holding him, leaning up to press a small kiss to his cheek before settling more comfortably against his chest.
"Sorry about that."
"Tired?"
"A little. Didn't sleep much yesterday – had to stay up late to work on the new choreo with Minho-hyung and Hyunjin."
Jeongin hummed in understanding, rocking him a bit. They both knew Felix was more prone to spiraling when he was tired, just like Jeongin was more prone to outbursts for the same reason.
All of the members had grown closer after Woojin was kicked out, but the bond between Felix and Jeongin was different. Not only had they both suffered at the hands of the same tormentor, but they'd also been used against each other without their knowing, and their similar traumas practically pulled them together.
And of course, there was also the fact that they were the only ones incapable of blaming each other.
"Why didn't you tell us?" or "Why didn't you say anything sooner?" or "Why didn't you fight back?" were painful, but all-too-familiar words. From their friends, from the staff members, from JYP himself. Felix desperately wanted to believe that everything was Woojin's fault but when people he knew and trusted constantly asked those questions, it was hard not to believe he was also partially to blame.
Jeongin and Felix were the only ones who could truly understand one another, and the choices they'd made or been forced to make. They were the only ones who could truly understand that the situation wasn't as simple as that, that speaking up or fighting back hadn't been options at the time because Woojin simply didn't let them be so.
And now, Jeongin was the only one who could pull Felix out of his own head when his mind trapped him in an endless loop of spiraling and self-doubt. Felix was the only one who could calm Jeongin down from his angry fits. Jeongin was the only one with whom Felix felt truly safe. Felix was the only one allowed to touch Jeongin without permission.
They'd grown codependent – or at least, that's what their shared psychologist said. Neither could go for extended periods of time without being near one another. They both grew incredibly anxious whenever they were separated, both terrified of what might happen to the other if they weren't around to protect each other. And, since they were still Idols with a packed schedule, they weren't exactly given the chance to learn better coping mechanisms and, by the time their psychologist noticed the issue, it was too late.
JYP wouldn't allow any more setbacks, and he refused to accommodate the schedules so as to allow Felix and Jeongin time to heal separately. So, the pair had to learn by themselves, which resulted in what they had now – sharing a room, texting each other every half-hour whenever they were separated, and sticking together as much as they could manage.
Of course, there were times when Felix and Jeongin needed their own space, but those episodes rarely lasted for long. If Jeongin suffered from sensory overload, then Felix easily sought cuddles and physical affection from other members. And, if Felix felt the need to just lay down and not feel anything for a few hours, then Jeongin would sit nearby and do his own things so Felix wouldn't feel alone until he eventually refilled his social battery again.
It was a trial-and-error kind of lifestyle for a bit – for everyone, really. Finding random triggers and learning how to deal with them wasn't easy for any of the members, and figuring out how to ensure everyone's health and safety (both physical and psychological) was a lengthy, exhausting process.
Eventually, however, everyone adapted. They learned what worked and what didn't, and they started healing not only as friends, but as a tight-knit family. And, despite what it took for them to get where they were now, Felix was now content with what he had now: a loving family, a successful career, amazing fans all around the world, a growing self-confidence...
"We should go on a date tomorrow," suggested Jeongin with a small smile. "After the award show, I mean. One of my friends sent me an address for a nice restaurant with a backroom where Idols can go hang out without being bothered by fans or paparazzi."
... and an amazing boyfriend, too.
"That sounds nice," hummed Felix, mindlessly playing with Jeongin's fingers. "We'll have to ask Chan-hyung, though."
"I already did. He said it was fine so long as we didn't come back too late."
With a small smile, Jeongin turned his hand around and pressed their palms together, comparing their hand-sizes. Felix rolled his eyes a bit as his boyfriend cooed and chanted "tiny hand" for a few seconds, eventually leaning up to shut him up with a small kiss.
"Alright. It's a date, then," he concluded, grinning a bit at the faint blush growing on Jeongin's cheeks.
As confident at the younger could get, he still got flustered whenever Felix kissed him so suddenly. The freckled boy quite liked how there was never some sort of power struggle between the two of them – it was just constant teasing and flustering each other, with random bursts of confidence constantly switching the tides. It was absolutely nothing like Woojin, who constantly put them down in order to feel superior.
Now, Jeongin and Felix had each other, standing on equal grounds and learning to love one another at their own pace.
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Felix was walking fast, typing on his phone as he tried to navigate his way back to the changing room where the rest of his group was waiting. They only had about ten minutes left before they had to go backstage to get ready for the performance, but the nearest bathrooms were broken so Felix had to go all the way to the other side of the building.
He was now texting Jeongin, assuring him that he was fine and that no, he hadn't been kidnapped by a random sasaeng and that yes, he was almost there, now. Just as he turned a corner, however, he collided with someone. He stumbled back and dropped his phone, which landed with a resounding noise that made him cringe.
"I'm so sorry, I wasn't... looking..."
The freckled boy trailed off as he finally realized just who he'd run into.
Woojin.
Frankly, he'd been trying to avoid any news regarding his past tormentor. Even though he'd heard of the ex-member finally making a comeback of his own as a solo Idol, he hadn't been keeping up with the news at all. But maybe he should have – that way, he'd have known there was a chance of running into him at the award show.
"Long time no see, Bokkie."
His voice hadn't changed, his looks hadn't either. His eyes were still dark, and Felix was still scared – but, for some reason, he didn't feel... smaller. Not like how Woojin used to make him feel. So, without sparing the older a word, the freckled boy picked up his phone – the screen wasn't cracked, thankfully enough – and made a move to leave.
He felt his heart hammer in his chest as he walked past Woojin, half-expecting the older to forcibly hold him back and slam him against the wall until his head bled like he'd done so many times in the past, but Woojin simply let out a hollow laugh.
"Thinking yourself all high and mighty now, don't you? But I know the real you, Lee Felix. I didn't do anything you didn't consent to—"
That instantly set off a fire in his guts, one that had been simmering for years.
Because underneath all that pain and guilt, there was also the anger.
"I never wanted any of this!" he hissed, his body stiff. "You're the one who hurt me! You're the one who- who manipulated and made me—"
"You didn't say anything. You kept your mouth shut because deep down you fucking liked it, and we both know it."
Felix shook his head, taking a step back. "You're sick. You're so fucking sick—stay back!"
The fear was rising again, his anger dying down as quickly as it flared up as, without warning, the older started advancing toward him. Felix's back hit the wall and he closed his eyes, anticipating the incoming blow—
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?"
Oh. It wasn't a wall that Felix's back hit.
"Jeongin," he breathed out, relief washing over him in an instant.
The younger wrapped an arm around his waist, pulling him closer as he glared at Woojin with all his might. He'd grown a lot from his braces-filled smiles and smaller frame, going to the gym with Chan and Changbin often so as to build up some muscle mass. He was taller now, stronger – in that moment, Felix suddenly realized just how much Jeongin had grown since that time.
"Don't you ever approach him again," warned Jeongin, his eyes blazing with barely contained rage. "Or any of us, for that matter."
"Or what?" snorted Woojin. "You might have grown, but you're still the same, powerless kid as before. You can't do anything against me."
"Can't I? We have proof of what you've done. Evidence, and witnesses. The only reason the truth wasn't revealed was because we thought of the group before ourselves. But let me ask you this: between the two of us, who are the fans most likely to support?" He straightened up, his hold around Felix's waist tightening a little more. "Don't you fucking try me, Kim Woojin. You're already on thin fucking ice. If you ever approach Felix or anyone in the group again, I will destroy you. Understood?"
Woojin glared at him but, before he could reply anything, nearing footsteps and voices echoed down a nearby hallway. Easily understanding he'd lost this round, the older sneered at them before promptly walking away, but it's only once he was completely gone from sight that Felix let out a breath he hadn't even realized he was holding.
"Are you okay, Lix?" asked softly Jeongin, turning him around so they could face each other. "He didn't touch you, did he?"
The freckled boy shook his head, hugging the younger. "No, you got here just in time. Thank you. I thought- I thought I was doing better... That I was stronger, that I could- I could face him... but I still felt scared..."
"I was scared too," admitted Jeongin, kissing the top of his head. "But I felt stronger knowing you were right there with me."
Felix couldn't help but smile at the somewhat cheesy line. The fear mellowed out into a bittersweet aftertaste as he basked in his boyfriend's warmth and care. He still felt a little ashamed of still being so scared of his past tormentor but, at the same time, he felt... at peace, somehow.
For so long, Woojin had made him believe that he was alone, that no one cared about him, that Felix would never be able to count on anyone to save him. But now, he had Jeongin – and Jeongin had him, too. He knew that, so long as they stayed together, then he'd always have the strength to face their demons.
Love won over fear – and he might not be as physically strong as Jeongin, but he swore to himself that he'd keep the younger's heart safe and well-cared for, at the very least. It was them against the world – like it'd always been – and Felix fully intended to cherish their bond as he should.
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Alright, that's the end of this AU! Thanks to those who stuck around for it, and no hard feelings for those who didn't - I knew what I was getting into when I decided to post it xD
Anyway, see you guys tomorrow!