Pairing: SKZ & Felix
Genre: College AU
!!TW!! : angst, kind of manipulation, guilt-tripping, arguments, language, friends fighting, friendships falling apart, I think most people have been that ONE friend at some point, I changed Jisung's birthday a bit so the story could work better, toxic friendships, toxic friends, inspired by "OH" MV
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Felix didn't know how everything could go so wrong so quickly.
"—if you hadn't decided to be fucking late—"
"—couldn't control it, stop blaming for every fucking thing—"
"—and you can't even acknowledge that—"
"You're in the wrong so why should I even—"
"Apologize!"
It was a literal shouting match – the words were like knives thrown blindingly, oil poured onto a fire that had been simmering for months which was now turning into a full-blown party of fireworks, except that they were exploding at random, setting off more little fires everywhere, and absolutely no one was having fun.
Felix didn't understand how a simple hangout between friends could have turned into such a horrifying battlefield – how their once tightly-knit group was now tearing apart at the seams, and he was completely helpless to it all, forced to witness the destruction of every single friendship he'd ever known and cherished.
No, Felix didn't understand – or rather, he didn't want to.
But, in the end, he should probably have seen it coming.
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Seven months prior
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Everything went wrong when Minho and Hyunjin started dating. Or was it when they broke up a year and a half later? Felix couldn't really tell. He'd always thought the pair was crazy in love and it would stay that way, but life worked differently. They went too fast, didn't talk enough, grew distant – and, before anyone knew it, the once happy couple was constantly fighting and arguing until, eventually, they agreed on breaking up.
Felix figured it was just natural, that sometimes couples just didn't work out – what he didn't expect was how drastically this would affect their friend group as a whole.
Even broken up, Hyunjin and Minho kept on getting into fights about all sorts of petty stuff. It could start with Hyunjin stealing a grape from Minho's plate and end with Minho yelling about all of the times Hyunjin never paid a single cent whenever they went out to eat together. Or it could start with Minho teasing Jeongin about his clumsiness and end with Hyunjin crying about how no one was ever good enough for "the great Lee Minho".
It was exhausting, having to constantly navigate between the two of them. Things were simpler when they weren't in the same room but, since they all belonged to the same group of friends (had since primary school), it was a little hard for the others to just split their time evenly. Felix tried his best to take it in stride and be supportive of them both, never taking a side in any of the arguments taking place. He offered comfort cookies and loving hugs and relaxing outings to the theater or to a cat café – anything that could help bring a smile back to their faces. And it worked, for the most part – so long as they weren't together.
Felix genuinely thought that, with time, things would get better. However, it would seem their previous romance had left a lasting scar, a bitter aftertaste that neither could fully wash down. They'd ignore each other at best, but then they'd end up exploding after a week, and it was never pretty. The freckled boy absolutely hated how they both hurt so much. He hated how the once relaxing times with his friends had now become exhausting, to the point where he sometimes called in sick to cancel plans with the group because he knew how everything was going to end. Still, he tried his hardest to carry on and keep on gluing their little group together.
But, over the course of several weeks, things only seemed to degrade further. The arguments became a daily routine. The words were painful for everyone to hear, even those who weren't concerned by them. And now Minho and Hyunjin kept on snapping at the others too if they tried to step in or split them up, which only caused more tensions.
And then, during one particularly harsh fight, they finally reached the bottom of their problems: Hyunjin accused Minho of having cheated on him with Jisung and, though Minho denied his claims, he couldn't offer a proper excuse as to why he often canceled their plans last minute, or why he was so physically affectionate with the younger when he barely spared Hyunjin a peck when in public.
Felix wasn't even there when this all went down – he was busy working part-time at the bakery, so he genuinely had no clue of why their group plans for the weekend were suddenly called off by Chan himself, of all people. When he tried asking the older about it, however, Chan simply said everyone needed some time to cool down, and Felix left it at that.
But, as it turned out, "some time to cool down" wasn't what they needed. A bottomless pit of past conflicts and thoughtless words and actions had split up their group in a matter of days, and Felix couldn't do anything but watch as the rest of his friends took sides at last: Jeongin and Seungmin sided with Hyunjin, while Jisung, Changbin, and even Chan sided with Minho.
And, before Felix knew it, he was asked to pick a side, too.
("Felix! Do you want to go to the cinema this weekend?"
"No, he's already coming to the new café with us. Aren't you, Lix?"
"I asked him first!"
"So what? He can decide for himself, can't he?")
He'd somehow managed to pull off doing both without telling anyone – he went to the café with Hyunjin, Seungmin, and Jeongin, and then eventually left with the excuse of homework needing to be done to join Minho, Jisung, Chan, and Changbin to the cinema. Still, going behind his friends' backs just so he could avoid hurting or angering anyone didn't sit well with him.
But no one really seemed to care about that. No one really seemed to care about Felix, or how this entire situation was slowly tearing him apart.
("Here, Lix, I can help you with this dance step—"
"Don't you have better to do? I can help him just fine."
"Well clearly not since he's still doing it wrong."
"No one asked you to be here! No one wants you here, so just leave already!"
"Lix asked me to come!"
"What—Felix, is that true!?"
"I- I just thought—"
"Tche, whatever. Since you clearly don't need me, I'll be going. Don't bother asking for my help again if you're just going to be wasting my time.")
Felix used to dance with Minho and Hyunjin. Dancing was their thing, it was their moment where they could just let loose and have fun and really connect through a passion they shared. But now, Felix was stuck in the studio alone, and the activity he once loved now just felt hollow and meaningless.
("If you're going to his movie night, then don't bother coming over again.")
("You can't just keep switching tables, Felix. Do you even care about what he's done?")
("You're so thoughtless, Felix. Why do you have to believe his word over mine?")
("Who cares if he asked you first? I'm your friend too, aren't I?")
("How could you pick him over me?")
("You need to stop being selfish, Lix. You're hurting Hyunjin by always picking Minho's side.")
("You gotta stop being so soft-hearted. Hyunjin is clearly guilt-tripping you, he's good at that. Why can't you just trust us and Minho?")
("Hyunjin's only going to hurt you!")
("Minho's only going to use you!")
("Where's my friend when I need him!?")
Felix wanted to spend his days curled up in bed and crying his eyes out. He was so, so tired of everything. He just wished they could go back to high school – things were so much simpler back then. But he couldn't, and the reality was that all of his friends were starting to hate him because Felix simply couldn't bring himself to pick a side. In refusing to choose one, he was losing all of them.
The anxiety was driving him mad. He hardly ate or slept, constantly dreading meeting up with one of them because he knew that every single conversation would only go in circle and he'd end up getting blamed for "hurting them more" by "being selfish and indecisive" and "incapable of making the right choice".
He had one other friend, outside – Eric. They'd gone their separate ways after high school, but they still kept in touch frequently. And, when Felix broke down in tears as he explained the last argument he'd gotten into with Changbin and Jisung, Eric only sighed and said one thing.
"Come here, then."
"Here...?"
"To my college, dumbass. This is a seriously toxic relationship, Lix. It kills me to see you so sad and miserable all the time. What you need is a fresh start – and what better way to get that than to change schools?"
"But... you're not located in Seoul, are you? You're in Busan, aren't you? That's far—"
"And isn't that exactly what you need? Look, I can't tell you how to live your life, Felix. But, as your friend, I'm seriously concerned about your health, and I genuinely think that taking some distance from all of this would do you good. I'll send you a link for the applications next semester, alright? You don't have to do anything with it but... the option's there, okay?"
"... I'll think about it. Thank you, Eric. I don't know what I'd do without you."
"Of course. Love you, Lix. Take care."
"Love you too."
And, as Felix hung up, he realized that he was once again forced to make a decision – but this time around, he wouldn't be able to just avoid it.
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Back to present day
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Felix kept the idea of moving away and changing school on the back-burner. He didn't want to just leave – it felt too selfish, like he was just giving up. He didn't want to believe that all hope was lost, and he still held onto the hope that their friendship still meant something to everyone.
On September 15th, exactly five days after Jisung's birthday (it had been a private party to which Felix hadn't been invited, for some reason. It hurt, but the freckled boy had still taken the time to wish him a happy birthday through text and delivered handmade brownies on his doorstep), Felix messaged every single one of his friends and asked them to meet up at the one restaurant where they always used to hang out.
He didn't really know what he was thinking. Maybe he'd been a bit naïve, but he'd thought that the fact that this was his birthday would help mellow out the tensions – that maybe his friends would keep it down, if only for tonight, if only for his sake. However, the moment Minho and Hyunjin caught sight of each other, everything went sideways.
Everyone was yelling. The few other customers present had quickly cleared out, and even the two employees had disappeared somewhere in the back, unwilling to get involved. Felix could only sit there and watch with a growing ache in his heart as all of his friends just tore mercilessly into each other's' weaknesses, as if the secrets and insecurities they once shared in confidence were now sharpened weapons up for grabs.
"What the fuck were you thinking, Felix!?" snapped Minho, irate. "Do you think this is funny!? Was this some sort of stupid prank!?"
"Why can't you just take a fucking hint!?" added Hyunjin – apparently, the only thing they could agree on was that Felix was somehow to blame for everything. "I'm so sick and tired of this, Felix! You're always messing around as if this wasn't serious – but news flash, you're being a terrible friend! Why can't you just choose who your real friends are and finally spare everyone the headache!?"
"Oh, his real friends, huh? You say that as if he was going to pick you, but you know what? You're just a dramatic asshole with trust issues, Hyunjin, and Felix is too soft-hearted to tell you off, so I'll do it for him: get fucking lost!!!"
"And you're a bastard with a superiority complex who just can't acknowledge his mistakes and uses people for his own gain! As if Felix would ever pick someone selfish like you!"
"Oh yeah? Well you know what, I don't fucking care – Felix, do whatever you want, but don't fucking talk to me again if you're going to keep in touch with Barbie over there."
"Barbie!?"
"Yeah, 'cause you're fucking fake and braindead like her—"
"Agh, shut up! You're so fucking annoying, I swear! I'm out of here! And Felix, if you can't get your shit together, then consider our friendship over!!!"
Hyunjin stormed out, Seungmin and Jeongin quick to follow him outside – though not without exchanging some more jabs and glares with the others on the way out. As soon as they were gone, Minho also rushed outside without another word, Jisung rushing after him without even sparing a glance for the freckled boy still seated at the table.
After a moment of silence, Changbin heaved out a sigh and also left. A few more seconds passed before, eventually, Chan dared to speak up.
"This was too much, Felix," he simply said, throwing his jacket over his shoulder. "I don't know what exactly you were aiming for, but you're just hurting everyone, now. Can't you just make it easier and pick already?"
Felix didn't answer anything, simply kept his head down. Sighing, Chan also left the small restaurant, leaving Felix alone in the booth. The freckled boy was trying his hardest not to burst into tears, but a tear still managed to trickle down his cheek.
"... are you okay?"
Sniffling a bit, Felix blinked a few times and forced himself to look up. He found a waitress next to the table, the young woman looking at him with eyes full of empathy.
"I'm fine," he croaked. "I- I'm really sorry about that. I didn't think... I don't- I don't really know what was I thinking, actually. I'm sorry."
"It's fine, sweetheart. It was a slow night, anyway. Say, do you like chocolate?"
"Y- yeah, why?"
"Give me a second."
Felix rubbed his eyes so no more tears would fall and, a few seconds later, the waitress returned and placed a small, white box in front of him. He shot her a confused look, to which she simply offered a small, sad smile.
"On the house. It might not help much, but... everyone likes cake, right?"
Felix couldn't help but crack a smile at that. "Thank you."
"You're welcome. Now get home safe and get some rest, hm? There's a storm brewing, and I don't want a cutie like you caught in the rain."
Felix thanked her one more time before picking up his jacket and the pastry box, and he finally headed out.
The sky was grey and thunder was rumbling in the distance. Swallowing thickly, the freckled boy started heading for his dorm, but changed his mind halfway there and started heading for the library instead. It was completely empty, the late hour and the fact that the semester was only just starting keeping most students out. Felix found his way to the back of the library where he settled at an all-too-familiar table. He spent a moment tracing the characters that had been clumsily carved into the wood so many years ago.
Their names. A dare made by Jeongin, fulfilled by Changbin. All of them together, with an ugly heart surrounding it because they were just that dumb at the time. Felix smiled a bit at the memory, but it quickly fell away as he opened the pastry box. The slice of chocolate cake looked absolutely delicious, but the fact that no one was here to share it with him made his stomach churn.
He pulled a small candle from his back pocket, along with a lighter, and he placed the candle on the cake. For a moment, he simply stared at the flickering flame, unsure of what to do from there. He'd always celebrated his birthday with the others before, and being alone... being alone scared him.
He didn't have anyone else. He'd moved to Korea too young to keep in touch with anyone he knew back in Australia, and his parents had disowned him years ago upon learning that he was gay. Chan, Minho, Changbin, Hyunjin, Jisung, Seungmin, and Jeongin were his only friends, his only family – they were the only precious people Felix had left.
Well, almost.
::
"Come here, then."
::
He still had one person. He might not be as close with Eric as he was with everyone else... but at that point, he'd take what he could get. He didn't want to keep on being lonely and miserable. He just wanted... he just wanted...
I wish... for things to get better for everyone once I'm gone.
With his decision finally made, Felix closed his eyes and blew the candle, one more tear falling as he did so.
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Two weeks later
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Jisung frowned as he glanced around the classroom. Today marked the end of the week – a full week during which Felix never showed up to class. He hadn't paid it too much mind at first, figuring the freckled boy had just caught a cold or something but, now, he was starting to get a little worried.
He felt bad, of course. He could understand that what happened two weeks prior had upset Felix, his friend had always been a sensitive soul, after all – but then again, he was kind of at fault for trying to gather them behind their backs. To this day, Jisung still didn't understand why Felix had done that. Why would he even think it was a good idea?
But what was done was done, and now Felix was skipping class after class and he wasn't answering Jisung's texts and Jisung was getting worried. When he asked Chan and Changbin, the pair had simply shrugged, unable to help – they were older, so they didn't share any classes with Felix. And, when he tried talking with Minho about it, the older had simply scoffed and said Felix had probably made his choice and picked Hyunjin.
(Jisung knew for a fact that Minho was a lot more hurt by the thought than he showed. It wasn't a secret to anyone that Minho absolutely adored Felix, so it surely pained him a lot that the freckled boy decided to pick Hyunjin's side.)
At the end of the class, Jisung decided that enough was enough, and he headed straight for the dorms. When he reached the floor where Felix's room was located, however, he was quite surprised to find Jeongin already there. There was a moment of awkward silence at the two stared at each other.
"... what are you doing here?" Jisung finally asked.
"I came to check on Lix-hyung. He hasn't showed up to any of our classes together, and he's not answering his phone," answered the younger, a tad curtly. "You?"
"Same story."
"... I thought he was with you and Minho-hyung," admitted Jeongin, his cold expression finally breaking a little.
Jisung gulped at that, turning to face the door in front of them. "And I thought he was with you and Hyunjin, but I guess that's not the case."
After another awkward moment of silence, Jisung finally decided to knock. However, no one answered and, even after Jeongin tried knocking too, the door stayed stubbornly closed. At that point, Jisung was starting to wonder if maybe Felix had passed out or something, so he tried to open the door – but it was locked.
"Damn it. If he's not in his room, then where is he?" he cursed, running a hand through his hair. "He—"
Jeongin's phone started ringing, and the younger answered. After a moment of hesitation, he put on speaker, and Jisung could only appreciate the small gesture.
"What is it, Seungmin?"
"Lix is gone."
"What? What do you mean by that!?" blurted out Jisung, taken aback.
"Jisung? What are you—"
"What do you mean by that?" repeated Jeongin, impatient.
"The teacher said he made a last-minute transfer to another college, and that he left last week."
"WHAT!?"
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Minho and Hyunjin exchanged a glare, sparks practically flying all around, but both kept their mouths shut, understanding there was some sort of urgency afoot if Jisung, Jeongin, and Seungmin had worked together to gather them all under what used to be their tree.
Well, almost all. For some reason, Felix was nowhere to be seen.
"Alright, guys – why did you call us here?" asked Chan, sounding incredibly tired.
Jisung let out a shuddering breath. "Felix transferred schools."
"What?"
"Huh?"
"What are you talking about?"
"This isn't funny—"
"He's gone," cut Seungmin, stiff. "He left last week – the teacher I asked said so. And when we asked to check his dorm under the pretense that he might have forgotten something, we—"
"We found this," cut Jeongin, his voice sounding a little hoarse. "Read it."
He handed a small, folded paper to Hyunjin. After a moment of hesitation, the older took it and unfolded it to read its contents. Minho, Changbin, and Chan all leaned over his shoulders to also read it.
Hi guys.
I wanted to tell you earlier, but I figured you wouldn't care anyway. I don't know if you'll ever read this but, in any case, I still wanted to offer some sort of goodbye, I guess.
I'm sorry for making things so difficult for everyone. I sincerely hope that, with me gone, your lives will all be a little easier. Leaving is difficult, but staying is just impossible.
I can't choose. You're all my friends, and I'd rather be alone than pick someone and live on knowing I've hurt the people I care most about. It's better this way, I suppose.
I wish you all the best.
~ Felix
The silence was thick enough to cut with a knife. Slowly, Hyunjin folded the paper and put it down, his expression completely unreadable. After a few seconds, Minho was the first to speak up, surprisingly enough.
"I never wanted this to happen," he whispered, staring down at the note with palpable horror. "This- this wasn't—"
"What? You didn't mean to drive away the one good person in this group?" replied Seungmin, bitterness seeping through his voice. "You didn't mean to say 'pick me or get fucking lost'?"
"I—"
"We have to find him," urged Changbin, jumping to his feet. "I'm sure we can get his new contact information from the office or something—"
"No." Chan straightened up, blinking furiously to fight back his tears. "What we need to do is sit our asses down and fucking talk things through. This... this is ridiculous. Can't you see that it's gone too far? We've all thoroughly messed up, but what's the point of bringing Felix back if we haven't changed in any way?"
At that, all of the other boys lowered their eyes, shame painfully written all over their faces. True, the situation had gotten out of hands, but they didn't think it'd be enough to actually lose one of their own.
"It was his birthday." All eyes turned to Jisung, who looked on the verge of bursting into tears. "That day, when he gathered all of us... It was his fucking birthday. And he had to spend it alone because- because we're the fucking terrible friends, here. Not him. Never him."
Without warning, Hyunjin sprung to his feet. The others barely managed to catch a glimpse of the tears streaming down his face before he ran off and, after a stunned moment, none other than Minho rose to his feet.
"I'll... go talk to him."
Felix was gone, and it was their fault. The least they could do was try and be better, now.
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Here's some more regular angst to feed your poor, pain-starved hearts!
Also, I don't have a Part 2 planned for this one, actually - so unless someone offers me a specific scenario or idea from which I could get inspiration to write a P2, this particular AU ends here. Sorry!