|Disclaimer: Prepare for cringiness and a very long chapter. Will I change it. Lol nope.|
Air catches in my throat, causing this pain that stings not only my eyes but my heart. I sit bolt upright in my bed, starting to have trouble breathing. My face is hot and my throat is dry while my hair is a mess. Lily is still asleep and when I look at my clock. It is only 5:15 in the morning.
My breath becomes shorter and shorter as the air becomes thick and gluggy in my throat. I can hear myself start to pant as I glance all around my room. I can't escape. Then my eyes land on my one family photo I keep on my bedside table. Madge's face stares back at me and I start to cry, covering my mouth.
She died so young and it's all my fault. Why her?
My tears pour down my cheeks quickly and soon my shirt is drenched while I cradle the picture in my arms. She'll never grow up. Why I can? How is that fair? How? A wail escapes my lips and I must get out of this room.
I try to stand but my legs buckle and I collapse on the floor causing a thud. I pound the ground with my fist so hard, breathing in deeply as the tears continue to stream down my face.
This isn't fair. Why Margo? It should have been me!
I wail again, calling my sister's name between tears.
"Maddie!" shrieks Lily.
She comes to my side and tries to hug me. I'm too much of a mess and can't process anything that is going on around me. Lily's voice drowns in my own wails. She strokes my back as she tries to ask me questions but I don't have the will to answer them. My body starts to quiver as I instinctively let out a long cry. I have to get out of here.
I push poor Lily off my back, ditching the photo in my arms, before standing up with all the strength I have left. Without realizing I slide on shoes and make a run for it, out the door and through the hallway. No one else is awake to stop me as I continue to uncontrollably cry, wailing Margo's name like a lost dog.
I burst out the front door and run down the steep hill to the stables. The wind passes through my loose hair and stings my cold and wet cheeks as I run. The grief of my sister eats away at me and I need it to stop. It feels like it will never end though.
I arrive quickly at the stables, nearly tripping over my own feet to slow down. Another wave of snotty tears and uncontrollable wails pass through me as I wake nearly every horse in the empty stable.
"Virgo!" I sob, choking on my own saliva.
He sleeps at night in one of the spare, older stalls now that Aviation has taken up residency in his.
I waste no time getting to my horse's stall and open up the door to get inside. Virgo wakes with a jolt from his lumber as I wrap my arms around his neck and cry into him.
Poor Virgo has to stand still as I apply nearly all my weight on him, but it's like he knows he is the only thing that could make me feel better on this dark day.
"Why Margo? S-she didn't deserve...oh why her?" I weep. "I hate it! I should have died, not her! Why? Make her come back."
My voice is starting to crack and my eyes start to hurt as endless water continues to stream from them. I cry to Virgo, stroking his soft neck. The pain in my heart is so strong I want to pass out to stop it. I want Madge to come back. I need her to come back.
"Madison?" asks a voice.
My sobbing continues while I turn to see who called for me. A worried and slightly blurry Alex stands at the door of the stall. He steps inside, concern growing on his face like moss while he observes my state.
"Maddie! What's wrong? Are you hurt?"
I can't answer him. I long wail comes out of my mouth as my legs collapse again. Alex, for some reason, catches me right before I hit the ground. The tears and pain don't stop and I continue to cry, muttering words that have become butchered, under my breath.
"Hey, hey, hey. Maddie, it's alright," Alex breathes.
It's not alright though. It will never be alright!
I push all my weight into Alex as he stumbles to the wall of the stable and sits down with me. Everything is such a blur to me I forget it's Alex I'm with and wrap my arms around him and sob into his shoulder. Alex doesn't push me off or roll his eyes. Alex doesn't do anything Alex Bruno-ish at all. But he does wrap his own arms around me and places his chin on the top of my head.
Everything I could ever feel-anger, sadness, grief-fills me and each emotion passes over me in waves. I forget my surroundings to try and stop my body from feeling this but it doesn't work. I continue to weep and wail and scream out Margo's name even when my body becomes tired.
Time seems to stop as I continue my uncontrollable actions, making me feel even stranger. Suddenly my body seems to give up. Maybe it ran out of tears or maybe it wants to stop the pain. With my eyes shut tight and every muscle relaxing, I don't remember anything else.
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Similar to how I woke this morning, dry air catches in my throat and my eyes snap open. My vision is blurry and my headaches but soon I remember I'm in Virgo's new stall. Like a bullet hitting me, everything comes rushing back. Me waking up... collapsing on the floor... pushing Lily away...running into the stable... crying on Virgo... Alex holding me.
Wait! Alex holding me?
I look up and see I'm leaning on Alex with my arms wrapped around his shoulders and his wrapped around my waist. He turns to face me when he feels me shifting. "Oh, you're awake. That's good."
I blush and look away from Alex. I'm a mess right now with blotchy skin, messy hair, and a snotty nose. I'm even still in my pajamas. Alex's hoodie, I notice, has a fresh wet stain on the shoulder from where I've been crying. "I'm so sorry for ruining your hoodie."
Alex smiles. "It's fine, honestly. Lily and Sarah tried to find you about an hour ago but I told them I was handling it."
Poor Lily. She tried to comfort me this morning but I shoved her off so cruelly. She and Alex must be so confused.
"How long have we been down here?" I ask, shifting off Alex to sit next to him.
"Only about three hours."
"You've stayed here with me for three hours, listening to me cry?" I gasp.
Alex shrugs, trying to hide a smile. "Yeah, of course. You only cried for an hour though, before you fell asleep. I didn't want to wake you because you seem to be having a bad day."
I groan. I've been asleep on Alex's shoulder for hours, he must think I'm so weird. "Again, I'm sorry for dragging you into it."
"Maddie, I'll always help you," Alex sighs.
I glance at him with a questioning look on my face but Alex just laughs it off. This didn't seem like Alex at all.
"And so will, Virgo," Alex adds.
Virgo walks up to me and snuffles my knee. I stroke the white snip on his muzzle and whisper my thanks to him. He's the only one here that knows why I'm such a mess. I feel my body really start to wake up again as shivers run down my arms and legs.
"Maddie you're shaking," Alex points out, while I question in my mind why he is calling me Maddie and not Madison.
"Yeah but I'm fine."
Alex shakes his head and pulls off his hoodie while I continue to stroke Virgo.
"Here," he says, passing me the hoodie. "You're cold, please wear it."
I don't put up a fight and slide Alex's hoodie over my head. The scent of aftershave and hay fills my nose as I pull the hood off my head. So that's what Alex smells like, interesting. The hoodie is big on me but makes me feel warmer. I nod to Alex who has fixed his face to show no emotion. He probably wants to know what is going on with me but doesn't want to overstep.
"Do you want me to go?" he timidly asks, getting ready to push himself off the ground.
"Wait!" I whine, not realizing I've grabbed onto his arm. "You can stay."
The once emotionless Alex smiles at me. "But do you really want to stay here?"
"What?" My voice is still raspy from all the crying I did earlier.
"I mean, let's go trail riding. I know a trail that no one else knows about. It might keep your mind off whatever is going on," Alex explains.
I start to think about it. Trail riding does sound good, especially now, but what if my body breaks down again. I don't want to be seen like that, especially with Alex.
Then there is Alex. The moody, prince of riding is being kind to me and has asked me on a trail ride. Why?
Before my thoughts swarm me too badly, Alex pulls big doggy eyes at me and pouts his lip. I laugh for the first time today. "It may be cute when four-year-olds do it but when a fifteen-year-old does it, yeah, not so much."
My words get a small laugh out of Alex which is enough for me to agree. "But I look horrible. I'm in my pajamas as well," I moan.
Alex looks deep into my eyes and tucks a lock of hair behind my ear. "Who cares what you wear. You could be in a clown's outfit and still look good to me."
Alex seems to catch himself after he tells me this and I wonder what he means. Before I can ask though he springs up with certainty. "I'll tack up Fletcher while you tack up Virgo. Meet me by the cross country course.
"Ok!" I call. Alex leaves the stall and dashes down the aisle.
Virgo pushes at my side and I laugh. "I'm fine, boy, but this trail ride should be interesting."
When I get up out of my sad slump I tack up Virgo quickly by putting on his saddle and sliding the bridle over his head. Alex is right: getting up and moving is making me forget about Margo. I meet Alex by the cross country course where he is riding Fletcher, wearing normal riding clothes unlike me who is still dressed in sneakers, Alex's hoodie, and pajama pants.
"I still feel ridiculous," I tell Alex, mounting Virgo.
Alex rolls his eyes, not in a mean way but in a joking way, before nudging Fletcher on towards the forest where most of the cross country courses are. I pick up my reins and shorten them before asking Virgo to follow Alex and Fletcher.
This cross-country section is restricted and off-limits to anyone who is riding without an instructor with them. If Alex and I get caught, we will be in serious trouble which I don't want to be in right now.
"Alex, we aren't allowed to be here," I call out.
"Oh come on Maddie, I'm the prince of riding. As long as we don't jump anything we will be fine," Alex mocks.
"Ha, ha," I huff, riding Virgo next to Fletcher. "Where are we really going?"
"You'll see. But we need to go through the forest to get there," Alex explains, letting Fletcher have a long rein while he kicks his feet out of his stirrups.
"I still feel stupid. I'm not even wearing boots!"
Alex huffs. "You need to lighten up."
Suddenly Alex unzips his boots and flings them into a bush on the side of the trail leaving him just in socks. Next, he removes his helmet, not even caring if Fletcher were to bolt how dangerous it would be, and puts his hands on the collar of his shirt to pull it off.
"Happy? Now we both look weird," Alex says, putting his helmet back on.
I half nod half look away from Alex, trying not to make it look like I'm staring at his torso. I focus back on the green shrubs and tall trees that surround us. Birds call out like they do every morning while Alex and I sit in silence while our horses sway underneath us. Margo loved trail rides and I'm sure she would love to be here now.
No Maddie. Don't think about her otherwise, you will break down again.
"Sorry for, you know, trapping you down at the stables earlier," I murmur.
"You have nothing to apologize for." Alex sighs. "We all have bad days."
It sounds like it comes from a deeper place in Alex though. We continue through the beautiful bush that is a new part of SEC I've never seen before. The birds sing, the wind rustles and the sun has fully come up. The path the horses walk along then comes out of the bush to a hill. It's a tall hill and I can see at the top one large apple tree that seems like a mirage.
"I'll race you up to the top," Alex calls over his shoulder.
Fletcher breaks into a canter and my mouth drops. "What! Not fair."
It's like Virgo reads my mind and soon we are cantering, trying to catch up to Alex but he's already at the top of the hill laughing at me.
"That's not fair. You took off without me," I complain.
"Well, you weren't observant enough to notice I was racing."
"So what? I read your mind?"
"Of course," Alex laughs, sliding off Fletcher.
I dismount Virgo, tie up his reins and let him graze by Fletcher. We walk up the rest of the hill to the apple tree. The morning sunlight gives the leaves an almost golden look and the apples shine a bright red. The trunk is sturdy and strong. Alex reaches up tall to a low branch and picks off an apple and throws it to me. "Eat. It helps with sadness."
"Are you sure these aren't, you know, poison?" I joke.
"I liked you crying and silent. I didn't have to put up with your crappy jokes," Alex rolls his eyes.
"That didn't answer the question," I smirk.
Alex smiles before taking a huge bite of his apple. "Hey, it's breakfast."
I take a good look at the apple that seems perfect and bite into it. It's a great breakfast really. I sit on the ground under the tree, my back leaning against the bumpy trunk. Alex follows my lead and we sit shoulder to shoulder just eating. My head can't help itself so lean against the trunk and my eyes close.
"Tired?" asks Alex.
"I guess. Everything just hurts," I say without thinking.
"If you don't want to talk about it then we can just eat!" Alex says, trying to cheer me up.
I laugh. "You don't even know why I'm upset and you're being very nice. Why?"
Alex shrugs. "I don't know. You seem like you need help."
A lot, I think but I don't say that.
I take another bite of the apple. "Why were you at the stables so early anyway?"
"I have my own stuff affecting me," Alex says, rubbing his hair with his hand. "Going to the horses always helps."
I shift to face Alex. "They help me as well. When I'm down I only want to be with Virgo."
Alex looks at me and I see his usual hard expression melt away. "My mum used to take me to this tree." He can't look at me as he talks. "We used to play under here for hours as a family but when Mum died Dad couldn't come here anymore. I still do but only on the day she died."
I look at Alex for a moment, totally confused about why he is telling me this. "If you only come here on the date of her death then why bring me here today?"
Alex looks at me with his eyebrows raised and I realize.
"Oh, I'm sorry Alex. I didn't know," I murmur, but Alex has looked away again.
I drag my knees to my chest, a hard lump in my throat. "My sister, Margo, died today too. Three years ago on the 21st of June. That's why I'm such a wreck."
Alex doesn't say anything. He doesn't need to. All he does is push his body against mine and our joint sadness mixes together. Alex starts ripping grass out of the ground from under him and I bury my face in my knees. We sit there like that for a while.
"Hey look," Alex says, breaking the silence, "they are cute together."
I look up and see Virgo and Fletcher grooming each other and it makes me smile.
"They're kissing," I say, wiping away newly forming tears in my eyes.
"That's not really kissing," Alex grunts.
"Horse kissing," I correct.
Alex just rolls his eyes and I laugh. "I don't know why but any talk of making out reminds me of Lily's absurd stories of her going to these wild parties and getting with guys. I can't believe people actually do that!"
"What? Party and kissing random people?" Alex asks, confused.
I look at him surprised.
"Yeah. Heaps of people do that. At Lily's age, people go further than that."
"You, Prince of Riding, have been allowed to party?" My jaw is getting longer and longer.
Alex's face stiffens and he pulls out the grass harder. "Yes. Mainly last year and all that but I would hang out with friends of course."
This is a new side of Alex I've never seen before and I want to know more about it.
"Don't look at me like that. It is just fun things that Will and the guys and I go to sometimes. Like last week we went to some guy's house Jack got invited to."
"That's where you guys went! So you have of course gone around kissing random girls?"
Alex pauses. "No."
"You have! I shriek. "Seriously! I didn't think you were the type."
"Shut up," Alex groans.
"Did you do that last week?"
He shrugs.
"You did!"
"Maybe I did. I mean you are making it out like it is weird. It's kissing and we're fifteen it's normal, not eight."
Alex snapping kind of hurts.
"I guess I'm not normal then," I mutter.
It's Alex's turn to look dumbfounded. "You have never kissed anyone?"
"Don't have to rub it in."
"Sorry, but why not? You're gorgeous."
I don't know whether to blush out of embarrassment or because Alex called me gorgeous.
"Sometimes it isn't a choice. People just don't want to kiss me. And I always thought I was too young but apparently not," I snap.
"Well people are stupid," Alex murmurs, bumping my shoulder, "and sorry if I made you feel bad for not having your first kiss."
I look into Alex's eyes for a moment before turning away. "So, who was your first kiss?"
"What?"
I smile cheekily. "Come on! You tell me now, then when I kiss someone I'll tell you who it was."
Alex shakes his head, smiling. "Fine, just promise me it won't be Bishop or Jasper. Or some random party dude."
"Eww, of course not them. One of them is my best friend and Jasper is Jasper."
"Ok, I believe you," Alex takes a bite out of his apple and pegs it at the horses. Then another bite and does it again.
My eyes are fixed on the bits of slobbered on apple flying around, I hardly hear Alex talk.
"Alyssa Gardiner."
"Who?"
Alex throws more apple chunks. "Alyssa Gardiner. She wasn't even a friend, just one of Sarah's schoolmates that she invited over for our Christmas in July party. Anyway it's this stupid thing we do and two years ago Sarah brought Alyssa and that was the day I decided to finally join in on the game of spin the bottle they do."
"Is this still a thing?" I ask.
"Oh yeah. Basically, she spun and it landed on me. We didn't really even kiss and I didn't want to but anyway we did," Alex retails like it's an old, sad story.
"Well, it's getting near July. Maybe I should play this game," I laugh but Alex looks worried.
"Ok, I won't then, jeez."
"No, do it if you want. It's just I really regretted it," Alex mutters, hiding his face from me.
"Why?"
"It wasn't with my perfect person which sounds stupid."
I put a hand on Alex's bare shoulder. "It is stupid but who's your perfect person, Alex?"
Alex laughs but I am still eager for him to respond.
"Fine, fine. They would be passionate about horses, work really hard to get what they want, like, dedicate themselves. They would need to be funny and a bit sarcastic and always look after their friends and stand up for them. I guess most importantly they wouldn't be turned off by my thick walls and would take the time trying to break them down. Put up with my moodiness and make me laugh when the world seems against me. Who won't go away no matter how much I push them away. It's stupid but, there you go."
This side of Alex is one I'd never seen. He isn't just a moody teenager and the son of Antonio Bruno, he has feelings and emotions and thoughts he hides so deeply inside himself.
"Alex, that sounds like a soul mate."
Alex chuckles to himself. "Do you believe in soul mates?"
"To be honest," I sigh, "no. I don't think there is a perfect person destined to be with me. I think the idea of soul mates was created for incredibly lonely people to give them hope. For people like me."
"What do you mean people like you?"
"You know. Look I'm only fifteen and I already know I'm going to be alone forever. Sure it's a sad thing to say but I just know and I'm ok with it," I explain.
Alex rolls his eyes. "Don't say that."
"It's true!" I laugh. "I'm not like you or Lily or Will. I'm not a date-able person. I don't look good, people don't see me at a party for example, and think 'Damn, I wonder what her Snapchat is.' That doesn't happen to me. Not one person has ever liked me."
"That's a lie."
"No, no, it's true. People don't think of me in that way. I'm just their sister or annoying friend who knows a lot of pretty girls," I continue.
Alex put his head in his hands. "Maddie, don't say that."
"Why?" I shout.
"Because I like you, stupid!"
What?!
If my jaw was long enough it would be touching the centre of the Earth by now. I try to move my hanging jaw to speak but nothing comes out. My mind tries to unscramble what Alex has just said. Did he-does he actually... Alex B-Bruno... Did Alex just admit he had feelings for me?
"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to blurt it out, especially since today is so sensitive for you," Alex groans.
He slides away from me, his neck and cheeks bright red. "Just forget I said that."
"No, no," I say, trying hard to destun myself. "It's ok."
I slide closer to Alex who has buried his face in his knees. Does he actually like me? I can't believe this. I start to remember all our little moments together and how much I actually do enjoy spending time with him. I think, maybe, I also share these feelings.
"When did this happen?" I whisper.
Alex looks up, shocked. "When you threw a bridle in my face."
I giggle at how bizarre his answer is and Alex joins in.
"See, that's just it. Your laugh, your hair, your eyes. Your amazing personality and your fiery words. Maddie, you made it so hard for me to stay away from you."
My face can't help but stiffen. "Stay away from me?"
Alex bows his head shamefully. "I used to hate liking you. I wanted it to go away for so long. That's why I always tried to avoid you or make you hate me. I only tried hooking up with this girl the other night to get over you but no. You were still always there."
A happy pang fills my heart and spreads to my brain and stomach but is quickly filled with dread and fear.
"I still don't get why though? I'm annoying, I drive everyone away. My own mother hates me. I overthink everything I don't even look good. Do you know how many times I've been told-"
I'm cut off from my rambling as Alex puts his lips on mine. For a moment I'm frozen, not sure what to do. The ice from my body melts the longer Alex kisses me and when I realize he hasn't pulled away in disgust yet I kiss him back. I finally let the stress I've been building up go.
All of a sudden my mind starts to crash.
What am I doing? I'm kissing Alex!
My body retracts and I push myself into the tough bark of the apple tree. A blush creeps up my neck as I stare at a confused Alex.
"I'm sorry! I should have asked first," he cries, his confused face slowly being replaced with a sad one.
"No, it's me. I really, really do like you and I don't want to screw things up," I cringe. "I mean I've said I've never kissed anyone right? Well, I probably haven't since it's so embarrassing. I just don't want to screw up!"
Alex lets out a soft laugh. "You won't Maddie. You're more than ok to me."
Ok, that makes me feel good.
Alex delicately pushes some dark brown hair off my face. "And you are not that bad at kissing. I mean I have had better but..."
"Hey!" I shout.
Alex doesn't even react but just kisses me again and this time I don't tense up or overthink. When Alex finally pulls away this feeling of joy banishes any sadness I had about Margo.
"Alex does this mean that..." something catches my eye on the road below the hill, "horse thieves."
"Horse thieves? What are you saying?"
"No Alex. The horse thief is down there!"