When she was making it out of the shower, she was wondering if maybe Aki and Elliot are already back. She threw her pajamas on and came to the living room, trying to ignore the feeling of unease that was growing in her when she didn't see them there.
Stupid, stupid paranoia!
She rolled her eyes at her own foolishly dark thoughts that always took over anytime Akira was even remotely late. And so she plopped herself on the sofa, trying to at least behave like she is fine, and took out her phone, checking the tracking app that Akira had on his own phone.
"You okay, Sophie?" Yuzuru asked, putting down a book he was reading.
"Absolutely," she answered and growled right after, seeing Akira's phone is without a signal.
Thousand times I told him not to play the games on his phone when his battery is about to die! Always keep at least ten percent!
"I am sure he will be back any minute," he said and moved closer to her but Sophie ignored him and got up, dialing up the security guy.
Red winter jacket with large Pokeball on the back, black pants, black hat....
"Hey, Mike, how is---"
"They are just parking downstairs, Mrs. Watanabe," he interrupted her, getting straight to the point of what she wanted to know.
She sighed with relief, once more swearing at herself for panicking so easily.
"Thank you, I am sorry--"
"I have kids too, Mrs. Watanabe. I get it. There was a car accident and Elliot had to take a detour, so the drive took slightly long--- Oh,---"
"What?!!" she snapped and once more her mind jumped to all the things that sudden 'Oh' could mean.
"It just seems your son has fallen asleep in the car, Elliot is carrying him now to the elevator."
Once more she sighed with relief and thanked him before hanging up and going into the hallway. Then she turned around, not wanting Elliot to know he was being checked on, and went back to the living room.
"All good?"
"Yeah," she smiled at him, "they are just on the way up."
"Can I, um," he nervously ran his hands over his thighs, "meet that Elliot guy?"
"Sure," she answered, wondering why that would be something making him nervous, and turned to the sound of the door opening.
Elliot had Akira's legs wrapped around his waist and arms over his shoulders, grinning from ear to ear while her son's head lulled on his shoulder. He reminded her of Yuzuru with his lean body containing an unexpected amount of strength.
"Well, Mrs. S.," he said, "when I first met him I never thought I would be able to tire him down, but it seems hanging upside down for most of the afternoon does the trick."
She gave him an equally wide smile and led him to Akira's bedroom, letting him put him down on the bed.
"I will just change him to the pajamas, can you wait in the living room, please? I still want to discuss plans for tomorrow."
Elliot nodded and with a yawn turned around, leaving her alone. Sophie quickly changed Akira, giggling when he mumbled something about a Spiderman and gave him a soft peck on his forehead before tucking him in.
"So how did it go?" she asked Elliot when she made it back to the living room, confused why Yuzuru is grinning from ear to ear with some kind of weird satisfaction in his eyes.
"Well, unlike a certain Spiderman guy, he definitely had fun," Elliot said with a chuckle, "he had popcorn, candy floss, and, um.... two hotdogs"
He looked somewhat guilty mentioning the hotdogs and Sophie sat down on the sofa opposite of the armchair he was in.
"Did he throw them up?" she asked, knowing she would not be surprised if he did but Elliot immediately shook his head.
"No, no, no," he said adding a wave with his hands, "it's just that I know it is not the healthiest diet," he sharply inhaled quickly adding, "but there were no dietary requirements so I thought---"
"Calm down, Elliot," Sophie laughed and raised her hand, "did he have fun?"
"Yes."
"Then I don't care what he ate," she smiled and watched as he immediately relaxed, "and honestly I am surprised he didn't throw up."
"I knew I chose wisely to go with you instead of Jamie Dornan," he chuckled, "you may not be as hot but I am sure he and his wife would have one of those crazy woke diets. Like the last family I was with? You would not believe it! I had to make kale smoothies for their daughters---"
His face countered into a painful grimace and Sophie laughed out loud.
"I would give a medal to whoever would get a kale smoothie into Aki," she said still laughing and suddenly Yuzuru chipped in.
"I would get a kale smoothie into him!"
Sophie turned to Yuzuru, laughing now even more, "don't you already have enough medals?"
He rolled his eyes and slid lower on the sofa, his arms crossed on his chest.
"You know what, Yuzu," she said contemplating, "get a full kale smoothie into him, and I mean FULL, not just a sip. Do it without your coach juju telling him it will get him an Olympic medal or something. And I---" she made a dramatic pause, watching him as he straightened up in his seat, "and I will let you take him into the amusement park. On your own."
His eyes widened and he started to nod rapidly, making her chuckle at his enthusiasm.
"But remember," she raised her finger at him, " you can't try to swing it as a part of his training or any kinds of athletic manipulation like that. And if you try to bribe him, that won't count either. Maybe I would not find out about that, but I know you would never want to earn a medal by cheating."
He grinned from ear to ear and she could clearly see the spark of determination in his eyes for having a challenge.
"I will make it happen!" he said confidently and she chuckled some more before turning back to Elliot.
"And what was it with the Spiderman?" she inquired, "Aki mentioned him now in the bed as well."
"Well," Elliot chuckled and scratched his head, "there was one of those guys who dress as superheroes for living, could have been my age I guess - and may I add he looked really good in that tight spandex suit - anyway, getting sidetracked here....he was trying to engage Aki in a fun conversation," he made a pause and anxiously shifted in his seat, "well, let's just say it did not go as the guy planned. Aki started to go on about discrimination of the characters as he could not see Loki anywhere, saying that the studio is forcing the bad-guy narrative onto him even though he is just misunderstood."
Both Sophie and Yuzuru chuckled but Elliot still looked somewhat uncomfortable.
"I just kind of felt sorry for that guy. He was obviously freezing in that costume and just wanted to make him laugh and not end up in a deep conversation like this. He had no idea how to get out of it and when I finally managed to pull Aki away, I turned and saw he took off his mask and walked away completely defeated. I think he was kind of regretting his life choices at that moment."
"Oh," she let out, still finding it funny but also feeling sorry for the poor guy, "I will try to fix it, don't worry about it. Anything else I should know of?"
"I don't think so," he answered after giving it a brief thought.
"Alright then," she clasped her hands, "would you be okay taking him to the movies tomorrow? I will then let you be until the New Year when he starts going to school again."
Elliot laughed and nodded, "I can come anytime before that too, Mrs. S." he said with a wide smile, "you are overpaying me so much that honestly, you can call me at 1 am and I will be here in a heartbeat."
She laughed at his honesty and stood up to lead him to the door, "that's the exact reason I am overpaying you, but I also would not abuse it. And I also hope that you genuinely like Aki."
"Oh, I do!!" he immediately exclaimed and put his winter jacket on, "but actually there is one thing I wanted to ask you..."
He looked somewhat nervous again and Sophie gave him a reassuring smile, asking him to continue.
"Well," he said with a weak smile, "it seems that Aki is the only person who didn't figure out within the first five minutes of meeting me that I am gay."
She smiled, relieved that it's not anything serious, "he usually doesn't put people into boxes or gives them labels. To him, people are either nice and lovable or stupid and annoying."
"Yeah, he is a great kid," he said and grinned widely at her with relief, "so is it okay if I just tell him tomorrow? I would like to avoid any kind of faux pas or something later on."
"Sure, you can, Elliot," she patted his shoulder and opened the door for him, "he will probably not give a damn, so don't be offended," now Sophie made a pause, realizing it can actually go the opposite way too, "or....he might actually give too much of a damn. Thinking about it now, I don't believe he knows anyone who is gay, or at least not openly. He might actually start asking you some questions."
Elliot laughed and now it was him who patted her shoulder, probably noticing her worried expression, "don't worry Mrs. S., I know he doesn't have a filter. I won't get offended if he asks something inappropriate. It might actually be fun," he chuckled again and Sophie swallowed on empty, wondering if she is gonna end up with a lawsuit tomorrow.
They wished each other good night and when she closed the door, she turned and saw Yuzuru widely grinning.
"You seem unnaturally giddy ever since Elliot walked in," she said with a mischievous smile, "something you would like to tell me?"
"He just seems like a really nice guy, that's all," he said and turned around, walking towards the bathroom with a joyful bounce in his gait.
Sophie frowned, wondering what is that sudden giddiness supposed to mean when Yuzuru stopped and turned back to her.
"By the way," he said, "do you also know self-defense? Since you said you would not let Aki go out just with anyone."
"Yeah, I do."
"Hmm," he mused, "interesting."
"Why?"
"No reason," he grinned again and turned back, disappearing behind the bathroom door.
THERE IS A REASON FOR EVERYTHING WITH YOU HANYU!!!!!
She shouted in her head and took a deep breath.
Patience.....stay patient.
A while later, she was downing her third espresso, hoping she didn't build up too much caffeine tolerance and will manage to stay awake. Somehow. Secretly. Because after the whole day, there must have been a shit ton of things on Yuzuru's mind and she wanted to hear about every single one of them.
This little habit of his kind of reminded her of when she used to go to confessions to padre Gabriel. When they still had padre Delgado, she was lying her ass off anytime she talked to him behind the wooden divider, but when the new priest started, she was curious to find out what he was like.
Even though it was required of her to go, she soon found it somewhat comforting being able to talk about her inner thoughts to somebody who didn't judge her and not even interrupted her. Giving her a sense of great relief anytime she was leaving, knowing that she could pour her heart out to him and he would not tell anyone.
She wondered if this was the same feeling Yuzuru had when he talked to her like that. Just wanting to let it all out on one hand, but on the other not wanting to be questioned about it later.
She made it to her bed and began to feel somewhat guilty for trying to trick him like that if he just wanted to give his mind some ease without any ramifications, but then, he was telling the things to her. Into her ear.
Before she could indulge any deeper into her guilt trip, Yuzuru knocked on the door and she let him in.
"So, um," he muttered when he peeked in, "do you, um..."
"Yeah, sure," she said right away, her curiosity taking over and waving into the distance to the disappearing guilt.
Oblivious Yuzuru grinned at her, explaining her quick invite wrong, and left, soon coming back with his own duvet. He ignored her questioning look and folded the duvet several times, pushing it against the bottom of the bed and putting both of her legs on top of it.
"That should be a better replacement for the pillow," he said still smiling, "that way you will have more space to move around but still keep your leg slightly up and most of all, protected from falling off the pillow and causing you unnecessary pain."
"Smart."
"Thanks," he smiled some more, "honestly, you have gained even more of my respect after this injury."
"What do you mean?" she questioned and watched him climb on the bed, lying down next to her.
"The strain, I can understand," he explained, "but the first time I had the tear, I have to admit that I kind of, um....cried a little. It really hurts like hell."
She smiled, proud that she has impressed somebody who literally spent his life with bruises and injuries, "I am not saying that it doesn't hurt and there are not moments I don't think about just cutting the leg off, but when it comes to this specific injury, I am used to the pain in the right thigh ever since I was a kid. I guess I just learned to live with it since I have it at least twice a year."
He turned off the night lamp but turned on his side, not pulling her in and rather looking like he actually wanted to talk.
"Since you were a kid?" he questioned, "that is an injury of professional athletes or hardcore enthusiasts like you are. Don't tell me you were exercising like this since you were little."
"I was not," she replied and tried to turn on her side as well to face him but struggled to figure it out without causing herself even more pain.
Yuzuru noticed that and sat up, putting her left ankle under the support duvet and keeping the injured leg on top of it. Sophie then turned her body and praised his skills once more, because that way her leg was not pressed against anything and therefore not creating any additional pressure while it was still slightly in the air and she could lie on her side comfortably.
"Smart.....again."
"Thank you...again," he grinned and scooted closer to her when he lied down, "I am just trying to make up for all those times you called me an idiot, you know."
"Yuzu," she said, putting her hand on his shoulder, "no matter how many times you do something smart, I will still call you an idiot anytime you behave like one."
He sighed but it seemed it didn't take away anything from his good mood.
"So how come you started to have the strain since you were a kid?"
"Actually," she said with a fake yawn, "I am ready to sleep if you wouldn't mind."
For some reason, she didn't have any issue talking with him about her personal things the whole day, making her few times wonder why is it so, but right now she just really wanted to get into his head and not the other way round.
"Oh," he let out with disappointment, "sure."
He moved even closer to her and Sophie was trying to figure out how to position herself so he definitely would not see into her face no matter what, just in case her acting skills would betray her. After a moment of contemplating, she asked him to lie on his back and lied down on top of him, this time stomach-down, but keeping her legs safely next to his. This way she could have her head below his chin again but he would not be able to lift it and see into her face.
"Is this alright?" she asked once settled and he put his arms over her back.
"Yup," he said tensely and didn't move, clearing his throat, "it's fine."
Oh, I bet it's fine, I have my boobs pressed against you, would be surprised if you would complain.
She thought and rolled her eyes but also giving him credit that he was still keeping his attraction towards her in check.
They wished each other goodnight and a moment later she wished she would have felt the same attraction to him like she used to because she noticed her heart was beating fast. Way too fast. And she knew it had nothing to do with the position they were in.
Fucking, goddamn espressos!!!!!! Why did I have three?!!!!
She closed her eyes but no matter how hard she tried, her body was definitely not ready to sleep anytime soon.
Fuck my life.
"You okay, Sophie?" he asked with concern in his voice and moved his hand to her hair, "your heart is beating really fast."
"Is it?" she said trying to sound at least somewhat sleepy, "maybe it's just trying to match yours. Goodnight."
He didn't say anything more and as she had her ear to his chest, she wondered why is his heart indeed beating so fast, doubting he got himself high on caffeine just like she did.
Either way, she opted for letting it be and focused to slow down her breathing and calm down. Several minutes later her heartbeat eventually dropped to a normal pace but her mind was still fully awake.
She kept drifting to everything that happened that day, Yuzuru being offended for not being trusted to go outside alone with her son, the story of Ferdinand and Sophie making him strangely sad, before that being sad over the story of her and Akio but again happy when they watched the movie together or when he met Elliot.
Fucking rollercoaster with this dude.
She thought and finally, that thought was becoming slightly blurry and her body started to relax, slowly drifting away.
All of a sudden her phone started to ring and she tried to sit up but was too slacken, her body too limp that she couldn't produce enough power that quickly. Instead, Yuzuru already beat her to it and reached for the phone on the nightstand, putting it into her hand as he arranged her back on top of himself.
She checked who is calling, hoping she would not have to bother to pick up but seeing it's padre Gabriel, she received the call.
She set it on a speaker and put the phone down on the bed, staying where she was, too lazy to move and knowing that Yuzuru won't understand a word anyway.
"Hey."
"Hello, Sophie. I am sorry to call like this, I guess it's late at night---"
"That's alright. What can I do for you?"
"Um...It's more what you can do for your mother. Her condition worsened, but there could be a treatment in one of the bigger hospitals in---"
"I said I would pay for anything she needs---"
"It's not about money, Sophie. You know she doesn't believe in medicine. She believes that God will heal her...."
"Well, tough luck I guess."
She heard him sigh on the other side and made a mental note to be less provocative, "maybe you could tell her that it was God who gave the gift of healing to all those doctors so they could save her?"
"I think she just doesn't have any motivation to try and fight, you know. Maybe if you would come over and ----"
"Yeah, that ain't gonna happen, padre. You know very well I came to visit her before. I even told her I forgive her and she still sent me to hell, so...."
"But her condition is much worse this time, maybe she just needed more time to think and re-evaluate her---"
"Gabriel," she interrupted him and stayed quiet for a moment to get his full attention, "do you honestly think that? I mean....honestly...."
He was silent for longer than she expected and then he sighed once more, "No. I don't."
"Hmm, that's what I thought," she said, "I know you are just doing what you think you should, but as you just confirmed, she did not change. I am not gonna drag my son across half of the globe just on the off chance that she would wake up from her fanatical illusions just before she dies. I don't need her apologies even if she would be willing to give them to me and if I try to give her my forgiveness again, she will probably not care anyway. So there is no point."
"But it would be the right thing to do, Sophie."
"It would be the right catholic thing to do, padre."
"And you are still a catholic, no matter how much you try to fight it."
Well, right now I am lying on top of a man I am not married to, tell me how that's catholic.
"I truly don't know if I am."
"You are. I know you don't like that label, but you are more catholic than most of the people who come to my church services. You always do what Jesus would do. You care about people and---"
"First and foremost, I care about my son and he is just starting in his new school in a few days and----"
"Alright, I get it. I tried. Good night, or good morning, I don't know---"
"Good night, padre. And do call me if anything changes."
If she dies.
"I will. Good night."
She hung up and pushed the phone away, trying to go back to the half-sleep but being now fully awake. Again.
Fuck my life.
"Um..." Yuzuru muttered but didn't say anything else.
"She is still alive," she answered his silent question.
"And, um..." he tried again, sounding more coherent, "would you tell me now how you feel about all that?"
She was silent for a while and then sighed in defeat, once more wondering why is she in that weird state of melancholia all day that she just talks about everything so easily.
"I feel nothing," she finally replied, "and I hate that feeling. When we were at the rink, I thought I was trying to push my emotions away like I always do when Aki is around, until I can be alone. But when I got to the gym, instead of feeling sad or angry or even happy, I thought about signing up for squash classes at TCC. Or about what to cook for dinner. And anytime I forced myself to go back to the fact that my mother is dying, there was just nothing there."
"Oh," he let out with clear surprise, "I thought you didn't want to tell me because you were maybe glad that soon she may not be around anymore..."
"Yeah, I thought I would be glad actually. But I am not. It turns out I don't hate her after all. I thought I did, but there is no happiness or relief. Just.....indifference. I simply do not care."
He didn't say anything to it and she was afraid to hear his answer to her next question.
"Does it make me a bad person?"
"No," he answered right away, but it brought her no relief, "you are a good person. Very good person."
"Hmm," she mused, "I don't think I am. I mean, not right now. I should feel something, no?"
He moved his hand back to her hair and started to slowly stroke her in reassurance, "you are the kindest person I know."
"I don't think it counts since it does not seem you know that many people. At least not closely."
"Or," he said trying to sound playful, "maybe I just choose to be only around nice people. And they are not that easy to find."
"But my own mother is literally dying and I couldn't care less."
He didn't respond right away and just kept stroking her hair as if sorting his own thoughts before quietly whispering, "maybe you are just not capable of hating people."
"What do you mean by that?"
"Maybe," he elaborated, "you just simply always try to find something good in everyone, not able to give in to the easier emotion of just giving up on somebody and hating them. But because you cannot find anything good in her, you just don't feel anything. No hate but also no reason to love."
She stayed quiet, thinking it all sounds way too noble and wondering if her indifference is just simply because she never truly hated her mother. The bad things she experienced being balanced out by the good moments they spent together. It was never every single day of her childhood spent in tears from the emotional manipulation. There were also times when they laughed together or talked about the simplest things like cooking and gardening at length, without any fights. So maybe there just wasn't enough bad stuff to truly hate and not enough good things to love.
Before she could share that theory with Yuzuru he broke the silence again.
"Is there anyone else you think you hate?"
"Yeah," she said without needing any further thinking, as that particular person was on her mind way too often, "there is one guy."
"Is it your dad?"
"No."
"And will you tell me who he is?"
"No."
"Okay," he whispered with clear disappointment, "but if you can think of him now for a moment, do you truly hate him? Or is it like with your mother?"
"It's definitely not indifference," she immediately responded but made a pause, trying to focus on how she felt towards that guy, chills running down her spine "maybe you are right and it's not hate what I feel."
He squeezed his arm around her a bit tighter but otherwise didn't say a word.
"I don't think I can truly hate him because he is just ill....in his head...it's not his fault, you know?" the moment she said that he squeezed her even tighter and sharply inhaled, "I think the strongest emotion I feel towards him is fear."
"WHAT?!" he suddenly exclaimed and grabbed her shoulders, pushing her up above him to see into her face, "why on earth would you be scared of me, Sophie?!!"
Her hair was dangling above his face but in the flashes of its movement, she noticed that he was crying.
"OH GOD NO!" she exclaimed equally shocked, "It's not you, Yuzu!! I don't mean you!!"
"It's n-not?" he sobbed and her heart almost broke seeing him cry like that.
"Put me down," she quickly requested and the moment he obeyed, she rolled off of him and lied down on her back, unable to suppress a painful whimper from the move.
"Come here," she said and slid her hand under his head, pulling him on her shoulder and immediately diving with her hand into his hair, gently scratching him, "Yuzu, please stop having these thoughts of me hating you."
Or of dying and not being missed.
"S-Sorry," he let out in between the sobs and she realized she was now crying as well.
Seeing him like this was simply agonizing and she quickly kissed his forehead, trying to think of something that would calm him down, just anything that would stop those sounds that were breaking her heart more than she expected.
"You are my friend, Yuzu. Truly. I shared with you so many things. You know now as much about me as all of my close friends. Even when I know practically nothing about you. Does that not tell you anything? You are very dear to me, okay? Ties established, I am tamed and all that."
His sobs subdued into an occasional sniffle and then he quietly whispered into her neck.
"Do you love me?" he asked and she chuckled at his joke, glad that his voice sounded much calmer now and his shoulders stopped shaking, feeling rather tense at that moment.
"I wouldn't go that far," she laughed and scratched his head some more, "but I should've guessed your ego would try to see something more in that proclamation. So don't worry, I mean it as a friend, okay?"
"Good," he said with a sigh and Sophie reached for the tissue box on her nightstand, handing it to him.
Yuzuru sat up and started to wipe the tears, still mumbling quiet apologies.
"I am really sorry, Sophie, it just sounded....I'm sorry."
"That's alright, Yuzu."
"And will you tell me who is it? That guy?"
"Maybe one day. I am not gonna talk about him before going to sleep. I don't want to have some fucked up dreams."
He only nodded in acknowledgment and she reached for one of the tissues herself and wiped the few tears he caused her before blowing her nose and crumpling the tissue up into a ball, tossing it on the floor. She saw his eyes widening at that move as if she just did something unspeakable but then he bit his lip and threw his tissue after hers as well.
He chuckled and turned to her with a smile, "I know I am thirty, but I am still somewhat scared that my mother will suddenly call me and tell me off."
She laughed, thinking he should learn to be messy if he ever wants to have kids, and took out another tissue, handing it to him.
"Well," she said with a mischievous grin, "she is not here right now, is she?"
He chuckled and once more bit his lip while he crumpled up the new tissue and again threw it over the bed to join the others.
"Oh my," he let out with satisfaction, "I feel like such a rebel."
Sophie laughed again, reciting one of the potential tabloid articles, "Floozy from Spain strikes again; making Japan's sweetheart litter on the floor!"
Yuzuru laughed at that and chipped in as well, "Spanish vixen calling WORLD'S sweetheart an idiot!"
"World's sweetheart?!"
"I have fans all over the world!"
"Well," she laughed and fell back on her pillow, "I think it is safe to say that I have more fans than you, actually."
"But mines are more dedicated!" he countered and fell back next to her, "mine would win in a battle against yours!"
"Oh shush," she continued laughing with him, imagining the scenario of two legions of fans running against each other, "you seriously think that fans of books full of bloody battles and fights would not win over fans of figure skating?"
"Oh god!" he let out, trying to calm down, "that was offensive on so many levels that I don't even know where to start!"
"Well," she said slowly calming down as well, "how about you think about it and give me a lecture tomorrow, hm?"
"Nah," he said and gently pulled her over on his chest as they were before, "I will let it slide for today. Maybe because I am your fan too, so I would have to somehow fight on both sides. And obviously, the side having me would win."
"Quite a predicament you got yourself into, sir," she chuckled, settling in his comfortable embrace.
"Yeah," he said with a heavy sigh, "I seem to be in a lot of predicaments lately. Good night, Sophie-chan."
"Night, night, Yuzu," she whispered and put her hand on his shoulder, softly stroking him, "and please no more dark thoughts like that, okay?"
He kissed the top of her head but didn't respond and even though the idea of pretending to sleep crossed her mind, she decided against it. He clearly needed some moments like this to sort his thoughts and after the crying fit, she did not have the heart to not give him the privacy. And so she didn't fight the feeling of his shallow breathing that was making her eyelids heavier and heavier and finally drifted into a deep sleep.