Pairing: Chan & Felix & Minho
Genre: Idol AU, Littlespace AU
!!TW!! : littlespace isn't a biological thing but it IS a commonly known/accepted coping mechanism/headspace, miscommunication, angst, mentioned past abuse, insecurities, headspace, accidental self-harm, spiraling
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Keeping a secret from seven other people when you lived with said people wasn't exactly an easy feat, and Felix learned that the hard way. Not only was his secret a little too big to hide, but he also sucked at lying, so it really shouldn't have come as a surprise when his bandmates found out.
About him being a Little, that is.
It wasn't that Felix was ashamed of his headspace. However, when becoming a trainee, he quickly realized that he simply didn't have the time or energy to regress, and no one had the time or energy to deal with being his caregiver. So, when they finally managed to debut as Stray Kids, he made it his mission to simply... forget about it.
He needed to work harder, pull his own weight. He couldn't slow everyone down because of "special needs" nor did he want to. He was already enough of a burden with not being fluent in Korean, the least he could do was not waste everyone's time, and put in the necessary effort to keep up.
But of course, one couldn't just ignore their headspace – it was called as a coping mechanism for a reason, after all.
Nightmares began plaguing his nights and he became practically crippled with anxiety during the day. His stress, his exhaustion, his insecurities – absolutely everything kept on piling up with no way of getting out until, one day, the inevitable happened: Felix's mind completely caved in under the pressure.
A complete emotional breakdown over a broken mug of coffee was what finally pushed the others – who'd noticed his mental decline but hadn't been of much help since Felix wouldn't tell them anything – to act. Felix accidentally slipped during said breakdown, and the others finally realized what was wrong.
Minho almost instantly stole him away, so to speak. The moment he understood Felix was not only distressed, but also in littlespace, he instantly took over and carried him to his room, away from prying eyes. He held him close as he tried his best to calm him down and, eventually, Felix passed out from exhaustion.
When Felix finally woke up again, and was no longer in littlespace, he had a serious talk about his health with their leader – and, once they figured out an agreeable solution that would suit both Felix's needs and his responsibilities as a member of the group, they had a serious group talk to discuss the matter properly.
Everyone was more than happy to help Felix out, though it quickly became obvious that Chan and Minho would be his main caregivers. The two instinctively looked after the younger even when he was out of headspace, and it quickly became obvious to everyone that the older pair actually had caregiver headspaces – though, really, it shouldn't have surprised anyone.
However, even with his biggest secret now out in the open, regressing in the presence of other people didn't exactly come naturally to Felix. His headspace resulted from a series of neglect or abuse incidents throughout his entire childhood, meaning he'd had to hide it from his family growing up, and then from everyone else when moving to South Korea.
Thankfully, Chan was incredibly patient and understanding, and Minho just had this gentle aura that could make anyone feel at ease. With their help, Felix eventually grew more comfortable into his headspace and, after a few weeks, he started being able to regress on his own, without needing someone to talk him down.
The deal he'd made with Chan was simple: he had to regress at least twice a week, and he shouldn't repress it unless it was really important – though, they had to work through trial and error to find out what "important" meant because they definitely didn't have the same definition. So, if he felt like slipping during a fifteen-minute break during practice, then he was encouraged to do so, and they'd simply help him out of his headspace once the break was over.
In barely a month, the difference in Felix's character was obvious for anyone to see. He was happier, more cheerful and outgoing, more prone to seeking hugs or other forms of physical affection. He was a lot more open, and hearing him laugh without a care in the world definitely brightened everyone's day.
While everyone happily took care of Felix, only his main caregivers were capable of talking him in and out of headspace. They were also the only ones with whom Felix was capable of slipping even further – with the others, he was always around three and four years old but, with Chan and Minho, he could sometimes reach one or two years old, if not younger.
So, with the three of them becoming so close and bonding through their respective headspaces, it was only natural that greater feelings would eventually evolve and, almost a year after Felix's secret came out, Chan took him and Minho out on a picnic where he eventually confessed his feelings for them both.
Felix was quick to admit that he reciprocated those feelings, while Minho was a little more reserved – he didn't want to mistake romantic and platonic feelings and, though he'd been questioning himself for a little while, he still hadn't managed to figure out if he felt anything more for the pair. Felix and Chan easily understood that, and the three of them agreed to simply work things through at their own pace.
They didn't need a label anyway, they were quite happy with what they had after all. So, it was with content hearts that they returned to the dorms later that evening.
And, eventually, everything worked out perfectly for them.
Three years after they debuted as Stray Kids, Felix now had two wonderful caregivers who doubled as amazing boyfriends, along with a tightly knit group of friends who accepted him as he was and supported him in any way they could. He was healthy, he was happy, and he didn't think his life could get any better.
Though, when hitting an all-time high, it was inevitable that at some point, the only way to go would be down.
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Felix bit his lower lip, glancing between Minho and Chan. Minho was going over his solo part for the choreography they were learning for the comeback, and Chan was working on his computer, on the couch. The three of them had claimed a practice room to themselves so Felix could regress – except that right now, Felix wasn't regressed.
This was supposed to be a special time for all three of them, but his boyfriends were too busy to pay him any attention, and he simply didn't know what to do.
The last couple of weeks had been a little rough, to be honest. Chan was working really hard on a brand-new album of which he'd been given full creative liberty, and Minho had been put in charge with creating new choreographies with the help of a professional. The two had been overjoyed upon receiving those new responsibilities, because it meant JYP had full trust in their abilities, but this also meant a new kind of pressure for them – if they messed up or failed, then they'd never get another chance like this one to prove themselves.
So, the pair had been working extra hard, and Felix couldn't be prouder of them. However, this also meant they didn't have as much time as before to be together, and they'd quickly worked out a different schedule from usual: Felix would regress with them once a week, usually each Friday evening, and then the rest of the group would take care of him should he regress again.
Felix was perfectly okay with that system. He liked spending time with the others while in littlespace, and he knew his boyfriends were trying their hardest to fulfill both their duties to the group and their duties as caregivers, so he certainly wasn't going to hold their lack of time against them, and he fully intended on supporting them in any way he could.
He washed their clothes, cleaned their shared room, prepared snacks and meals to go, offered massages for Minho's sore muscles and Chan's aching shoulders, gave them space and attention alike depending on their moods and needs, and he made a point of seeking out the others should he need help with anything, intent on not burdening his boyfriends more than necessary.
He could see how tired they were. He could see them struggling sometimes. He knew Chan spent nights in his studio, he knew Minho barely ate anything because he was too focused on his work. So, when they eventually told him that they could no longer keep him company every Friday, he wasn't all that surprised, nor all that upset – just worried.
And now, three weeks after they stopped meeting every Friday, Chan contacted him to tell him they had two hours to spare. At first overjoyed at the prospect of finally being able to regress with them again, his joy promptly died down when he arrived at the practice room where they were waiting for him to regress.
Or rather, doing their own things while he sat on the sidelines.
They don't want to be here, was the only thing he could think about, his heart sinking more and more in his chest. What should I do? I missed them so much, but I can't even regress on my own anymore... And they obviously would rather be anywhere else right now...
Right. That was a bit of a problem. It'd been so long since he last regressed with them, he could no longer do it on his own, and no amount of babying from the others managed to make him slip. He hadn't properly regressed in weeks, and it was starting to take its toll on him, too.
On one hand, he didn't want to bother them but, on the other...
Chan-hyung told me to always be honest about my feelings, right? To tell them if something bothered me...
Before he could muster the courage to say anything, however, Minho abruptly stopped his dancing with an exasperated sigh. He ran a hand through his sweat-soaked hair, shaking his head a bit before turning around and staring Felix down, obviously annoyed.
"Look, Lix, I love you and everything, but if you're not going to regress, then what's the point of us being here? I have more important stuff to do then waste my time in here."
Felix froze, his heart throbbing painfully as he gawked at his boyfriend, words failing him altogether. He tried to say something, but he simply couldn't – what was he supposed to say, when his own boyfriend basically just called him a waste of time?
Seemingly noticing the sudden stillness in the room, Chan finally looked up from his computer, pulling his headphones down and glancing around curiously.
"Is the two-hour up just yet?" With a groan, he loudly cracked his neck. "Ugh, about time – this is the worst place for working on tracks."
Felix's heart clenched even more, but the lead that had been previously filling his limbs was suddenly gone – right now, all he wanted was to leave before he burst into tears and wasted more of their time. Jumping to his feet, he grabbed his bag with all of his little stuff – which he hadn't even opened – and walked over to the door.
"Felix—"
He left without another look back. If he said anything or even looked at their faces, then he'd undoubtedly start crying. Letting out a shuddering breath, he quickly left the building and headed home.
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When he arrived there, he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. Almost fearing what he'd find, he still pulled it out to check his message – and quickly regretted it.
[Minho]
Don't bother asking for our help again if you're going to be a brat about it.
And then, his phone buzzed again – another message.
[Chan]
Why did you storm out like that? We took time out of our schedules for you – the least you could have done is thank us. You should stop acting so spoiled, Felix. I'm really disappointed in you.
Felix's breath hitched as he put his phone away, his hand trembling. And then, in a surge of anger, he grabbed the bag hanging from his shoulder and unceremoniously shoved it into the trash bin in the small alley next to the dorm building.
With a broken sob, he then rushed inside. Quickly finding his way to the dorms, he practically slammed the door behind him, kicking off his shoes and angrily going to lock himself in his room.
Bad, a voice whispered in his head as he started frantically grabbing all of his plushies lying around. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad!
He grabbed all of the plushies and shoved them into the back of the closet, burying them under piles of clothes and unused bags. He did the same with his baby blue blanket, his little clothes, his toys, his pacifiers – every single thing linked to his headspace was put away without hesitation.
But it wasn't enough. Felix was bad, Felix didn't deserve any of it, Felix needed to be punished for being bad and for disappointing them and for wasting their time and for being a bother—
Felix was spiraling, and he couldn't do anything but let himself fall.
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Chan groaned as he rubbed his temples, feeling yet another headache coming – this time around, though, the lack of focus didn't come from his exhausted state, but from none other than his youngest boyfriend. He'd written to him earlier because he was annoyed about having lost two precious hours of work for basically nothing. If Felix was just going to storm out without even regressing when they tried their hardest to make time for him, then of course he was going to be annoyed.
But now, alone in his studio, he couldn't forget the sheer pain he'd seen in Felix's eyes just before the freckled boy left.
Damn it...
Soft knocking at his door snapped him out of his thoughts and, for a brief instant, he hoped it was Felix – but then Minho came in and, as happy as he was to see his other boyfriend, he wasn't the one who'd help lessen the guilt now eating him away.
Minho didn't look any better than he did, though.
"I think I messed up," the dancer sighed, dropping on the couch.
"Yeah, tell me about it," grunted Chan, leaning back into his chair. "What exactly happened with Felix, anyway?"
"I... I don't really know, honestly. I was just so tired, and he wasn't doing anything, and I guess I just... snapped at him?" With a cringe, Minho rubbed his temples. "Fuck, I'm so tired..."
"We should—"
Chan's phone suddenly started ringing. A tad startled, he picked up upon noticing it was Seungmin.
"Seungmin, what—"
"Where are you and Minho-hyung?"
"What? Err, I'm at my studio, and Minho's with me... Why?"
"You two should come back to the dorm right now. I know you're busy, but Felix's having a breakdown and it's... it's bad. We don't know what to do to help him. Hyun- Hyunjin's holding him while Jisung's treating his wounds but—"
"His what!?"
"Just... please, just come home. Felix needs you."
"We're- we're coming!"
Chan shot a worried look at Minho as he hung up, the guilt only growing.
They'd definitely messed up.
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I wouldn't be myself if I didn't share some good old fashioned angst with you, would I? xD
Anyway, as per usual, part 2 will be out tomorrow~