Reviewer: persephoinis
Review: My Friend and Foe
Client: OnlyInFantasyLand
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Cover
I generally love vector covers but I think that your book cover needs a little touch-up on it. It's nothing huge but the color and the font of the title are really mainstream and not much eye-catching. Also, the author's name can barely be seen due to the placement of the text.
Hence, I would highly recommend getting a cover change. If you want to make your covers then you can download fonts from DevianArt, DaFont.com, etc. And if you think that you are incapable of making one, or simply don't have the time, then you can just order one from the various graphic shops in Wattpad.
Title
The title of the story really doesn't say much about the plot of the book. It feels really overused since a lot of Wattpad books have titles with friends and foes. It also feels a little bland and hence I would recommend spicing it up or going for a shorter title.
Remember, that a reader would always choose books with a fresh title. A title that's uniquely captivating and has charisma to it.
Yes, it's not possible to have a title that has never been used before, but the lesser it's used the better. You can also do some research and see how many books are there with the likely title and then carry out accordingly!
Blurb
We all know that the blurb is the hook to a book. Of course, the cover is the one that lures the readers in, but the blurb is like an entryway to the world you've created. So it is a vital element that will decide the fate and popularity of your story.
I'm very picky when it comes to the blurb. And now, talking about your blurb, there was a plain bluntness to it. Somehow, the blurb seemed a little too short and dragged down even with the brief character intro and conflict. It felt as if you have touched all the necessary points, but forgot to actually work on them. However, don't worry. It's not something earth-shattering and can be quickly fixed with a simple rewrite.
Here are a few things you should keep in mind:
1. Create a catchy phrase – This is a very important step as it is the first thing a reader notices about the blurb, which means it is also the first chance for you to hook your readers in.
Eg: Lauren Palphreyman in her book 'Devil's Inc.' uses the tagline "You're telling me that I signed my immortal soul away for...free WiFi?"
Now this sentence alone stirs an immediate interest among the readers' hearts – making them immediately dive into the book and find out how Rachel sold her soul to the devil for free wifi (lol!). Hope this, example clears out any doubts.
2. Don't be blunt or way too revealing about your characters. Try to use short and effective sentences for giving a brief picture of the characters.
3. Try to make the conflict more melodramatic with questions – That is end the blurb with a lot of questions (if possible!). Ask the readers, questions like "will she be able to overcome her fears" or "will she able to face the truth without crumbling into ashes", etc.
4. Keep it compact and minimalistic.
And that's all for now! Hope this helps.
Plot & pacing
Your plotline sounded really interesting but the pacing was utterly slow. There wasn't really much of any content in your chapters, and the flow from one chapter to the other also kinda felt forced. I'm really sorry to say this but while I was reading your book, it felt like I was reading someone's day-to-day activities jotted down in a journal.
There wasn't any drama or any sort of event that would pique the interest of the readers. And while it might be intentional or any build-up to a special moment, I would still highly recommend spicing up the events a little more.
Character development & Setting
The setting of a story is really important to understand the mood and the world the story is set in.
The way you have described the setting and the world your characters live in was purely beautiful. There wasn't a single time where I had trouble picturing the vibrancy of the surroundings. I also loved how you used the six senses of the character and made the scenes highly relatable.
Now, coming to the characters of your story – I think, they felt a little two-dimensional. There wasn't really much substance within them that urged me to relate or sympathize with their issues.
What you can do to fix that, is add more details to the characters (like the wallpaper they have on the phone, or any ornamental sentiment, etc.) as this generally gives us a broader picturesque of the characters. You can also, try and add some flaws to your characters that would not make them feel made out of cardboard.
Apart from this, I think you're good to go!
Writing Style & Grammar
I found little to no grammatical errors throughout and even the writing style was really descriptive and held elegance. However, I would recommend less usage of short sentences.
There's nothing wrong with having short sentences, but using them too much often disrupts the flow and irks your readers – sometimes even forcing them to stop reading. While it might not be the greatest of the issues, I would prefer going over the sentences again and reconstructing them just a tad!
Personal Enjoyment
Your book has a brilliant potential to shine through this maze of gems and I'm pretty sure that once all the points mentioned above are rectified, it will. However, I don't really think it was for me – yet! But I would definitely love to revisit an edited and much more polished version someday!
Hope I wasn't too harsh (and if I was, I'm sorry) and that you can benefit from this review. Good luck! You've got this!