V A D A
Hangovers suck.
I annoyingly had to wake up earlier because we had to leave early in the morning.
Packing my things with a killer headache and feeling like I'm going to throw up every second is one of the worst feelings I've ever had.
Other than Harry getting me a Tylenol and a few words shared, we said nothing to each other.
I silently made my way out of the hotel before all of the boys with Tommy, and I thought that the paparazzi would put there cameras down once they realized I wasn't one of the boys but instead they'll all started taking pictures of me and Tommy.
We both quickly made our way to the car as the pap started going a bit too crazy that it got to the point of scaring me.
"What was that about?" I ask once Tommy shuts the car door.
"I'm not sure, wasn't able to check any of the tabloids because of Kendall's hangover. Do you remember much from last light?" Tommy asks, laughing.
I furrow my eyebrows, trying to remember something but all I can remember is leaving the banquet and getting into the limo.
"No, how bad was it?" I ask, chewing on my lip nervously.
In response, he chuckles and shakes his head. "I'll leave that for Harry to explain." He tells me, looking out the window.
Well Tommy, Harry and I are currently not on speaking terms due to him grabbing another woman's ass and flirting with her so don't you think that'll be a tad bit hard?
I roll my eyes at myself and look out the window, just like Tommy is until we get to the airport.
I quickly get out of the car and thankfully, there were no pap allowed at this one for safety reasons and crap.
Once stepping onto the plane after Tommy, I see all the boys sitting in one of the seats beside each other.
How did they get here before us if we left before they did?
Suddenly, they all look at me with sad eyes and concerned looks making me raise my eyes brows at them.
"Hi lucky." Niall's voice says, but it's quoted today and a lot less cheerful.
"Hi? Why are you all looking at me at like?" I ask, only feeling my eyebrows furrowing as I do.
"Um... just, me and the boys saw some stuff on the tabloids that I think you need to see." Liam answers, now making me frown.
What happened now?
"Why is she in the tabloids? I told James our team isn't allowed to put her in that position." Harry exclaims.
"Harry, lad, just look at this because I think this is a bigger problem than James." Louis tells him, looking at me towards the end of his sentence.
I hesitantly make my way over to them after Harry sits beside Liam and I sit on the other side of Liam since he has the computer on his lap.
"So, um... let me just show you." Liam mumbles as he switches the tab. The second I read the headline of the online magazine article, my heart drops into my stomach.
"Harry saves secret girlfriend, Vada Carter, from stripping naked in front of a bunch of people?"
Oh god. I frantically look to Harry who only has his eyebrows furrowed but jaw clenched.
"Play the video." Harry mumbles through his teeth, making Liam click the play button on the video just under the head line.
The second I see me take off the dress strap, everything hits me like a wave.
Everything from getting drunk in the limo with Kendall, Maya and Gigi to Harry bringing me back to our hotel room in my underwear... and saying he thinks he loves me.
Wait- he told me he thinks he loves me.
I quickly stand up, not being able to handle this all at once.
Being the head line in a bunch of magazines, people all around the world seeing me almost naked and Harry saying he thinks he loves me.
Oh god, oh god, oh god. Harry thinks he loves me.
"No, no, no." I mumble, shaking my head as I start to pace around the plane that has took off while we were watching the video.
"Vada, it's fine." Harry tells me, standing up. He goes in for a hug but I flinch and he freezes, a deep frown on his face.
"I'm sorry, I just- I need to be alone right now." I say, not looking in anyone's eyes as I grab my backpack off of the seat in one swift motion and make my way into the weird room thingy I was never sure why they had, but suddenly very thankful for it.
I quickly shut the door behind me and sit on the leather chair with wide eyes and my head in my hands.
"No, no, no." I repeat, pinching my eyes shut hoping that this is a dream.
Sadly, it's not.
I can't decide which is worse. The whole world seeing me half naked or Harry telling me he might be in love with me.
Both, they are both really bad.
Suddenly, I feel the urge to write one of those letters again.
So, I grab the notebook that I now take everywhere out of my bag and open up the notebook to a new page. I write a lot, letting all my emotions out in the letter instead of talking about it like a normal person.
/////
Harry,
Where do I even start? Your nice gesture ended up being a horrible night, thanks to me. I guess I just can't do anything right. I don't even know how everything got so messed up in such a short amount of time?
I left you at the banquet thing to get drunk in Kendall's hotel room after I found you 'talking' to a girl at the bar, ended up stripping in front of a bunch of people to which one of those people filmed it and sent it into the tabloids. So now, there's a video of me dancing around in my undergarments online. Amazing right?
And not only that, but I remember you whispering in my ear that you think you love me while you thought I was asleep. What do you mean think? You can't love me Harry. I know I said that coming on this tour may lead to that and I was ok with it, but now that it's here I'm not ok with it. You can't love me, you just can't. I don't know what love is, but I don't think that's what we have, right? It just doesn't make sense because... I don't know why but you can't love me, ok?
I'm scared of the word love, the only person I've ever said it to was Faith and even then, that's a rare occurrence. If you asked me to tell you what I feel when you're around me, I wouldn't use the word love. I would say that you make me feel fuzzy inside, you make my heart skip a beat every time I see you smile, you make me feel safe, you make me feel like home. You make me smile when I feel like just being sad, you understand me and I have never felt the things with you with anyone else. You make me happy. You make me feel like maybe, just maybe, I'll be ok one day. You make me feel as if I'm special, which I knowI'm not.
As a kid, I always wished I could fly. Because if I could fly, that mean't I could get away from the beer bottles being thrown at my head, all the punches and kicks, all the being thrown across the room, all the screaming telling me I'm worthless. If I could fly it mean't I could escape the chasing around the house, being pushed into walls and pulled around by my hair.
If I could fly, it mean't I could escape my life.
And right now, I really want to escape my life. But I don't know if I ever want to come back to it.
I just realized something though. If I want to escape my life, I want you to be there too. Something always pulls me back to you, and I don't know what it is. And I even though your never gonna read these, this is a reminder to myself with how you made me feel.
He makes you feel like your worth something. He makes you feel you have a purpose in life. He makes you feel like you could accomplish your dreams. He makes you feel like how you feel when you get sleep. He makes you feel like how you feel when you stare at a really picture. He makes you feel how you feel when you see a camera. He makes you feel how you feel after a shower. He makes you feel how you feel when you get into your bed after changing the sheets. He makes you feel like how you feel when you listen see the colour purple in your everyday life. He makes you feel like how you feel when you look at the sky, night or day.
He makes you feel like you matter, when you know you really don't.
- Vada
/////
After I finish writing the letter, I sit back in my seat and stare at the page, now covered in black pen ink.
Suddenly, the door opens and I shut the notebook faster than anything I've ever done before.
Harry looks at me with his eyebrows furrowed before I quickly shove the notebook into my bag and hug it to my chest.
"I wanted to make sure you were alright." He explains, as if needed.
"No, I'm not alright." I reply, eyes focused on the window as I watch the clouds pass by.
"Wanna talk about it yet?" He asks, shutting the door and sitting beside me.
I shake my head and hug the bag to me tighter, Harry nodding his head and looking out of the widow as well.
"Ever wondered what it was like to fly?" I ask, referring to my letter.
"As a kid, yeah. I always wished I could fly." He answers confused, but neither of us take our gaze off the windows.
"If I could fly... I would never come down from the sky and just wait until I get stuck in a cloud or a plane hits me." I whisper, feeling as he quickly pulls me into him as comfort.
"Why do we always end up like this?" I wonder out loud.
"What? In this position?" Harry asks.
"No, fucked up and in this position?"
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