#BHOCAMP9TMM #TMMENDGAME #BHOCAMP
A/N: In 3... 2... 1... we're going back before the wedding day.
CHAPTER 37: REWIND
ENYO'S POV
I can hear the cheers of the people and I can also feel their excitement. Sa kabila no'n ay nanatili lang akong nakatingin sa bintana at hinayaan ko na lang muna sila na mauna. Wala naman kasi akong plano na makipagbalyahan sa kanila lalo pa at alam kong sabik na silang makababa.
It's not that I'm not excited. Well... if I'm being honest I'm really not. Mas lamang ang nerbyos ko kesa sa kung ano pa man.
"You don't need to go, Enyo."
"This is my mission now."
"Technically, it's mine. Inagaw mo lang and now I'm taking it back."
Napapabuntong-hininga na umiling ako pero pinigilan niya ang kamay ko sa ginagawa kong pag-aayos. He gave me a look but when I didn't budge and it was his turn to sigh. "You're so stubborn."
"Says the man who flew here in Ottawa and stayed with me for a week just to convince me to drop a mission that I already took."
"It's mine. What you need to do is pack your bags and go back home."
Sandaling natigilan ako sa sinabi niya. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin pero ramdam kong nasa akin pa rin ang atensyon niya.
"Enyo, you're going home right?"
"No."
"Enyo-"
"This is supposed to be my last Ender mission."
I know he got what I mean. Hindi man ako uuwi ngayon pero hindi ibig sabihin ay mananatili ako rito. It's not like I planned to live in Ottawa forever. I was planning to give the mission a month then another month for myself.
"So you're going back home eventually?" he asked.
"Wala naman sa plano ko ang magtagal dito. Uuwi at uuwi pa rin ako sa Pilipinas."
"Pero hindi sa atin."
I sighed again and I looked at the guns and knives in front of me. "I wasn't sure if that's an option."
I don't know if I could ever go back to BHO CAMP. When Blaze and I broke up... it wasn't easy either. But the difference is I could still move around the same place that he's in there too. Even though my heart was breaking every time I see him. With Stone... it will destroy me.
"Babe..."
I can't help but smile at the endearment. We're at that point of our lives that he could call me that again without meaning anything more.
"I didn't want to stay away just because we're over." Tumingin ako ng direkta sa mga mata niya. "I wanted to stay away because I know if I see him... there might be a chance that I'll give up everything just to be with him. I don't want to make a decision to surrender something I believe in just because I can't stand to lose him. I don't want to cut myself so just I could be a perfect fit for his life. When I make a decision... I don't want it to be because of him. Kasi ayokong dumating iyong panahon na sisisihin ko siya dahil sa mga bagay na binitawan ko dahil pinili ko siya. I don't want another demon, Blaze."
"But you broke up with him. You already made a decision and it's not him."
"Because I couldn't see how I can stay with him when he can only see me for what he wanted to see. I left because I'm letting go. I'm not going to hold everything in my hands anymore, so tight that it hurts too much. I'm letting go and I'm just going to walk wherever this life take me. Even if that path doesn't include him anymore. If that what is needed to stop all this pain for all of us."
"And now? Are you coming back?"
Hindi ako sumagot pero tumingin ako sa mga dokumento na nakapatong pa rin sa lamesa. I've read it all and I cried my heart out because of them.
Umangat ang sulok ng labi niya at napapailing na kinuha niya ang mga gamit na nasa harapan namin. I opened my mouth to protest but he just gave me a look.
"You don't need to be sentimental about this. You don't need a last mission for Ender. You're done, Enyo."
Pinaningkitan ko siya ng mga mata. "You're not my boss. You can't tell me what to do."
"You already decided. You're giving up Ender. Might as well stop now."
"Blaze-"
"You're not giving up Ender for him. You're giving up Ender for you. That's why you left. You wanted to make sure that this is what you want. Even if you and my brother don't get back together, your decision will remain the same. You're not doing this for him or because of that papers that you received. You're bound to choose to let go of Ender either way... for you."
Napakurap ako nang tumayo na ang babaeng katabi ko buong flight. I grabbed my backpack and slid it on at tumayo na rin ako. Sinundan ko ang mga tao sa paglabas ng eroplano pero puno pa rin ang utak ko ng mga nangyari at sa mga posibilidad na mangyari. I barely slept the night before and I didn't sleep even a wink during the flight.
What Blaze said to me was right. Kahit hindi kami magkabalikan ni Stone ay pakakawalan ko rin ang Ender. It's not so I could go back to him. I didn't lie to Stone. I wouldn't give up Ender for him o maging sa kahit na sino. I can only give up it for myself.
It's not easy as choosing to give up sleeping late or staying away from unhealthy food. I stayed in Ender because I believe in it. Quitting felt like I'm giving up those victims that will never get their justice. Justice that they wouldn't get from the law because that's what usually Ender's targets are; those that seems invisible to it.
If I drop all that because I want to be with Stone... who knows if someday I'm going to blame him for it? Because regret is an ugly thing and so is guilt. I don't want to be guilty of giving up something that is important to me because I needed to so that I could stay with him. I don't want to be in his life just because I changed myself for him and cut out the parts that he couldn't accept.
Nagdesisyon akong bumitaw sa Ender kasi sa pagkakataon na ito pakiramdam ko iyon ang kailangan ko. There will always be someone in Ender and it feels like the right time to let someone take control of it. To pass it on. Because no matter how much I believe in it... I also know that it's affecting me in a way that it's not good anymore. I don't think someone should stay in it forever because there will come a time that the small pieces that one will lose every time being in that world could become something big. And I don't want to lose myself and drown in it.
When I took the mission from Blaze, a part of me knows that it could be the last one. Uuwi rin ako pagkatapos no'n. I just didn't know that I will come back for this reason. Kasi kahit umalis pa ako sa Ender hindi naman mababago no'n kung ano ang tingin sa akin ni Stone. The way he saw me changed and he couldn't accept it. Even if he didn't want me to go... he also didn't want to see this part of me and I don't know how to live with that. Iyon bang parang hindi ako karapatdapat kasi ganito ako.
Except those papers changed everything.
Napatigil ako sa paglalakad at napamulagat ako sa nakita. "What the fuck?"
"Miss me?"
"Anong ginagawa mo rito?" Nagpalingon-lingon ako. Hindi pa nga ako nakakalagpas ng immigration. "Bakit ka nandito?"
"Nandoon din ako sa flight mo."
Sunod-sunod na napakurap ako sa sinabi ni Blaze na siyang nasa harapan ko. "Di ba umuwi ka na last month?"
"Hindi. I stayed in Canada as long as you did. Bago pa nga ako tumuloy sa bahay na inupahan mo noon ilang linggo na rin akong nasa bansang 'yon. Since you thought I'm supposed to go home, umalis na lang ako sa bahay mo at nagbakasyon ako." Ngumisi siya na parang may naalala. "I went on a tour and I watched a couple of hockey games live. I even got a puck as a remembrance yesterday from one of the players when I attended another game. It was amazing."
May kinuha siya sa bulsa ng jacket niya at winagayway niya sa harapan ko ang puck na sinasabi niya.
"What?" I whispered, confused. "You stayed in Canada for two months too?"
"Hindi ako pwedeng umuwi. Well I can but I don't want to. Nasa Canada na ako eh di magbakasyon na."
"Bakit hindi ka makauwi?"
"Kasi sinabi ko sa kapatid ko na hindi ka na babalik."
"You... you did what?"
"Well considering... wala ka naman talagang balak bumalik sa kaniya noong umalis ka. I just told him a different version where you won't ever come back here in the Philippines and I'm going with you."
"WHAT?!"
Nagkibit-balikat siya at inilagay niya sa bulsa niya ang hawak niya. "It's to torture him for being a dumb fuck to let you go. It was supposed to torture him."
"He's not dumb." Naniningkit ang mga matang sabi ko. "At ayoko na sana ipaalala, pero hindi ba gano'n ka rin naman noon?"
"Iba noon iba ngayon."
"Anong pinagkaiba?"
"Stone's always been the Mr. Righteous so it's hard for him to admit that he could be an asshole. Hindi kasi siya sanay eh ako dati ko ng title 'yon kaya mas madali akong umamin. Isa pa, he's your husband. Kabit mo lang ako noon."
Hindi na maipinta ang mukha ko sa pagkakatingin sa kaniya pero tinawanan niya lang ako. Inabot niya sa akin ang isang malaking paper bag at pagkatapos ay binibit niya ang isa pa pati na ang carry on bag niya.
"Para sa'kin 'to?" tanong ko.
"Asa. Akin 'yan. Pinabibitbit ko lang sa'yo at baka mabitawan ko pa. Those are precious."
I gave him a death look before I looked at the content of the bags. Puro iyon merchandise ng hockey team ng Canada. I looked at him again but this time ay ibinalik ko sa mukha ko ang ekspresyon kung saan parang na-we-weirduhan ako sa kaniya.
"What?" he asked.
"Masyado kang maligaya."
"May masama ba ro'n?"
"Ngayon na mainit ang ulo ko, oo."
He chuckled at that. "It's because I'm done wallowing in despair. Na-realize ko na mas masaya pa rin na panoodin kayong mga problemado sa pag-ibig kesa iyong ako ang maging problemado."
"Hindi kita kilala."
Isinukbit ko sa balikat ko ang malaking paper bag niya bago ko siya nilagpasan. Alam kong nakasunod lang siya sa akin at hinayaan ko na lang siya hanggang sa makarating kami sa baggage. May advantage din na kasama ko siya kasi madali kong nakuha ang mga bagahe ko. Nilagay namin iyon sa trolley bago muling naglakad. Nang magawa na naming makalabas ay kaagad kong natanaw si Eris na siyang susundo sa akin.
Nakangiting kumaway siya at naglakad ako palapit sa kaniya pero unti-unting nawala ang ngiti sa mga labi niya nang makita niya kung sino ang kasama ko.
"Bakit kasama mo 'yang pangit na 'yan?"
Nilingon ko si Blaze na tinaasan siya ng kilay na lalong ikinakunot ng noo ni Eris.
"So you're saying that you sister's husband is ugly too?" he asked.
"Hindi. Ikaw lang."
"Magkakambal kami."
"O tapos?"
Nagsalubong ang kilay ni Blaze. "Magkamukha kami."
"Akala mo lang 'yon."
My sister turned to me and she gave me a forced smile when she saw that my eyes are going back and forth to them.
"Ako na magbibitbit niyang paper bag. Pasalubong mo ba 'yan sa akin?" tanong niya.
Inabot ko iyon sa kaniya. "Kay Blaze 'to."
Nagusot ang mukha na ibinaba niya iyon sa sahig na para bang basura iyon na bigla ko na lang ipinahawak sa kaniya.
"Bakit mo pinagbitbit ang kapatid ko ng gamit mo?" taas ang kilay na tanong niya sa lalaki.
Kinuha ni Blaze ang paper bag pero imbis na bitbitin iyon ay kinuha niya ang kamay ni Eris at ipinahawak niya iyon sa babae. "Hindi ko gamit 'yan."
"Kasasabi lang-"
"Sa'yo iyan. Para hindi mo kinukulit ang kapatid mo na bilan ka ng merchandise ng paborito mong hockey team dahil busy pa siya na maging sawi sa pag-ibig."
Sa pagkakataon na ito ay ako naman ang gulat na napatingin kay Blaze. "Para kay Eris 'to?"
"Oo."
Nagdududang tinignan ko siya. "You said this is precious."
"Wala akong sinabi."
"I heard you."
"Kailan? Saan?"
"Kanina." Itinuro ko ang pinanggalingan namin. "Sa loob."
"Guni-guni mo lang 'yon."
Hinilot ko ang sentido ko dahil bukod sa wala akong tulog ay kanina pa kumikirot ang ulo ko na ngayon ay parang naging migraine na dahil sa pagkahilo ko sa lalaki. He's acting weirdly... familiar. Like he's being the Blaze that I first fell in love with. Iyong suplado pero makulit. Matagal na mula nang huli siyang maging ganito.
We went to the parking. Lahat kami tahimik na parang pare-parehas kaming may malalim na iniisip. Si Eris ang unang bumasag ng katahimikan nang makarating kami sa tapat ng kotse na dala niya. She brought a van because I have a lot of luggage.
"Sasabay ka sa amin?" tanong ni Eris kay Blaze. Bago pa makasagot ang lalaki ay nadugtungan niya na ang tanong niya. "Bakit? Wala kang friends and family?"
"Meron pero wala akong balak istorbohin sila ngayong alam ko na may susundo kay Enyo. Malakas ang pakiramdam ko na ikaw 'yon kaya pagkakataon ko na para gawin kang driver."
"Mag taxi ka."
"Ayoko."
"Hindi ka kasya rito," sabi ni Eris. "Maraming bagahe si Enyo."
"Ang laki niyang van. Kahit magdagdag pa ako ng dalawa pang bagahe kasya tayo riyan. Ang liit-liit niyo namang dalawa."
This time I also gave him the look that my sister is giving him. Kung makaliit akala mo naman kasing laki lang kami ng langgam.
"Mayaman ka naman. Mag taxi ka na lang. Di tayo close."
Blaze rolled his eyes and he took out the puck he showed me awhile ago. Inilapit niya iyon sa tapat ng mukha ni Eris na natigilan at napatitig doon.
"Alam mo ba kung kaninong player galing 'to?" Iwinagayway ni Blaze iyon dahan-dahan na para bang hinihipnotismo niya si Eris. "Toronto Maple Leafs' defense-"
Hindi na natapos ni Blaze ang sasabihin dahil kaagad nakuha sa kaniya iyon ni Eris na kaagad tumalikod at pumasok na sa sasakyan. A few seconds later the back of the van gave a click and Blaze smiled to himself and opened it.
"What was that?" I asked him.
Nilagay niya ang mga bagahe namin sa likod bago siya nakangising tumingin sa akin.
"Suhol."
That's not what I'm talking about but I'm sure that he won't give me a straight answer. I can't also think about it yet since my mind is already at its limit right now.
Kinuha ni Blaze ang cellphone niya sa bulsa niya at gumuhit ang ngiti sa mga labi niya sa kung anong nabasa niya ro'n. Inabot niya sa akin iyon na kinuha ko naman sa kabila ng pagtataka ko.
"I-unblock mo na kasi para hindi ako ang naiistorbo niyo." Pagkasabi no'n ay iniwan niya sa akin ang cellphone bago siya naglakad papunta sa passenger side ng van. Narinig ko pa ang boses ng kapatid ko na mukhang hindi pinansin ni Blaze dahil pumasok pa rin siya roon.
I couldn't focus on them because my eyes are fixed on the phone that I'm holding. Dahil doon ay kita ko ang mga mensahe ni Blaze at Stone sa isa't isa. I scrolled on the phone even though I know it's intrusive to do so. Alam kong alam naman ni Blaze ang gagawin ko. He wouldn't give me the phone if he didn't.
I looked at the strings of messages and I stopped on their conversation on the date that I know I was in Canada already. I bit down on my lower lip to stop myself from crying as I read the texts.
TO: ASSHOLE II
Stop calling. I'm not going
to change my mind. Mag-
papakasal na kami pagdating
namin sa Canada.
FROM: ASSHOLE II
She's still married to
me, asshole.
I know what you're
doing.
TO: ASSHOLE II
Buti pa ginagawa ko
alam mo. Pero ang
Kagaguhan mo hindi
mo alam.
FROM: ASSHOLE II
Who said I don't?
Take care of her.
I'll kill you if you
don't.
Imbis na pumasok sa sasakyan ay sumandal ako sa katawan ng van habang patuloy pa rin na binabasa ang text messages. There's not a lot but most of them are from Stone. Hindi naman kasi lahat ng text niya ay sinasagot ni Blaze.
FROM: ASSHOLE II
She loves bread.
Make sure that you
buy a lot specially for
breakfast.
TO: ASSHOLE II
She was my girlfriend
before. Alam ko kung
anong paborito niya.
FROM: ASSHOLE II
Don't remind me.
I can feel a twinge in my heart but this time it's not because of a reminder of the pain... but a reminder of how I terribly miss him.
FROM: ASSHOLE II
I love you. I love you
so much. I keep seeing
you anywhere I go.
I'm sorry if I'm so stupid.
Mahal na mahal kita.
I don't care anymore.
I'll quit my job so it
won't be a reason
for me to force my
beliefs in you. I just
want you back, honey.
TO: ASSHOLE II
What the fuck?
Are you drunk?
FROM: ASSHOLE II
I miss seeing you next
to me when I wake up
in the morning. I miss
having you in my arms
at night. I miss seeing
your smile. I miss
kissing you.
TO: ASSHOLE II
Dude. That's disturbing.
Why are you texting me?
FROM: ASSHOLE II
Hindi ikaw ang kausap ko.
I'm talking to my wife.
She blocked me.
TO: ASSHOLE II
At least give me a warning
so that I could show her
this.
FROM: ASSHOLE II
Don't. I want her
to have the time
she needs.
TO: ASSHOLE II
Eh bakit tinetext
mo ko eh ayaw mo
pa lang ipakita sa
kaniya?
FROM: ASSHOLE II
Gusto ko lang. Bakit
ka ba nakikielam?
TO: ASSHOLE II
Because you're
texting me!
My tears are falling down my cheeks but I'm also laughing. It feels so good to do that. To smile and laugh without forcing myself.
I scrolled to look at the other texts but it's just repeated messages from him saying that he misses me and that he loves me. It's like he's using it as his diary. Hindi na siya sinasagot sa mga iyon ni Blaze. Sometimes he's also sending him a picture of a food that I like or just random things that he wanted to show me. Just like how we do before to each other.
My body vibrated with laughter when I saw that he took a picture of his office's desk.
FROM: ASSHOLE II
This reminded me
of you.
TO: ASSHOLE II
Dude. I don't know
why and I don't want
to know.
FROM: ASSHOLE II
Stop meddling!
I'm going to show her
this someday so that
she'll know that I always
have her in my mind.
TO: ASSHOLE II
Number ko 'to!
At pwede mo pa rin
ipakita ang text
messages mo kahit
naka-block ka sa kaniya.
You can still send it.
She just won't receive it.
FROM: ASSHOLE II
It won't feel the same.
Sabi ni Eris iniwan ni
Enyo ang cellphone niya.
You're there in Canada
too so my messages
feels closer to her.
TO: ASSHOLE II
I'm changing your
name in my phone
as In Love Fool.
FROM: IN LOVE FOOL
You're still named
ASSHOLE I to mine, ass.
And I am in love
with her. It didn't
changed even when
I was being stupid.
TO: IN LOVE FOOL
Was? You're still stupid.
The phone I'm holding vibrated and another tear glided down my cheeks when I saw that it's Stone again. I'm two hours away from him. After two months of not seeing him or hearing from him. I left the country with the thought that it's probably the last time that I will see him. I left knowing that even if I come back and whatever choice I have for my life... I won't be coming back to him.
But the world shifted again just like it did every time that something big is happening in our lives. Dati puro iyon masasakit na bagay... mga pagkakataon kung saan parang guguho ang lahat. This time it changed again in a way that is different.
Because of those documents he sent me.
The annulment papers that he didn't sign together with other documents where he wrote a list telling me why we shouldn't be annulled. The list that he printed at least a hundred times.
A list where three words from the very first number repeatedly occurred in other various numbers with a different version.
[1] I love you.
[12] I'm stupid but I love you and I hope you still love me.
[18] Mahal kita.
[25] Mahal na mahal kita.
[100] I love you. Then and now. Nothing can change that. We can make this work because I can't lose you. Not for anything.
There's a lot of it, a lot of I love yous, and he printed copies after copies... all of them signed.
FROM: IN LOVE FOOL
Did the flight went okay?
Does she feel okay? She
looks like she's going to
have a migraine in the
picture you sent me.
She's still beautiful though.
And get her bags for her. May
pulang ribbon iyong kaniya.
Tell her to meet me at our
place when you're back home.
FROM: IN LOVE FOOL
Why are you not answering
me? Is she okay?
I asked Eris to buy bread
for Enyo. She might be
hungry.
Pinunasan ko ang mga mata ko at pagkatapos ay sinimulan kong mag type ng sagot sa kaniya. I keep on writing and deleting. It's been awhile and with the way we end things the last time we talked... it's hard to find the right words.
The right words.
The list that he made flashed in my mind. Of course. What words would be better than that?
TO: IN LOVE FOOL
I love you.
It didn't took him long to respond but when I opened the message, I just laughed out loud... scaring the people passing by me.
FROM: IN LOVE FOOL
What the hell, asshole?
_____________________End of Chapter 37.