#BHOCAMP9TMM #BHOCAMP
A/N: I'm only updating this because a huge part of this chapter (1k words) ay nabasa niyo na. It feels like cheating to me since technically kalahati lang ang isinulat ko for this so I'm posting this on the same day as chapter thirty-five.
CHAPTER 36: PAUBAYA
ENYO'S POV
Naalimpungatan ako nang marinig ko ang pagtunog ng doorbell. Nilingon ko ang taong katabi ko at marahang tinapik ko siya pero tumalikod lang siya at bumalik sa pagtulog. I didn't even know we fell asleep.
"Blaze get the door."
"I don't wanna."
"Blaze."
"I'm sleeping."
Napapabuntong-hininga na tumayo ako at pupungas-pungas na naglakad ako papunta sa main door ng bahay. Napakunot noo ako nang buksan ko ang pintuan at makita kong mail courier iyon. Wala naman akong inaasahan na kahit na ano.
"For Enyo Wright?"
"That's me."
"If you could please sign here."
Hinarap niya sa akin ang clipboard na hawak niya at pinirmahan ko ang papel na nandoon. He tore the other copy and gave it to me together with the parcel that is probably A4 size. Pagkatapos no'n ay tumalikod na ang lalaki at umalis.
Mabilis na sinarado ko ang pintuan nang umihip ang hangin. It's cold outside. It's always freaking cold outside. I've been here in Ottawa for quite some time and it never stopped being cold. Now it's been a few days that it keeps on snowing.
Noong una masaya pa. I lived in the Philippines all my life so snow is fascinating to me. Iyon nga lang din ang problema dahil sanay ang balat ko sa klima ng Pilipinas. It's not easy to get accustom to how cold here even if the snow is beautiful.
Akala ko nga hindi na ako tatalaban ng lamig. Malamig din naman kasi sa Tagaytay. But Ottawa gave me two middle fingers by snowing hard this year. Pinapatunayang wala ang lamig ng Tagaytay kapag yelo na ang usapan.
Inilagay ko sa coffee table ang parcel. Nang makita kong halos lumungayngay ang ulo ni Blaze sa sofa at mahina kong sinipa ang binti niya. "Wake up, sleepyhead."
"No."
"I'm hungry. I need lunch."
"Then cook some."
"As long as you're going to eat it with me."
It was enough for him because his eyes snapped open at that. He was burden to eat the result of my attempt to cook two days ago. Hindi ko kinailangan isugod siya sa ospital dahil wala naman atang nakarating kahit sa esophagus niya sa niluto ko dahil iniluwa niya lahat ng sinubo niya.
"Just order food," he said.
"It's snowing too hard. I don't think they will send a rider out. Everything will probably be for pick-up."
"Then buy some."
"I'm not driving in the snow."
Napapakamot sa ulo na tumayo siya. Hindi kami masyadong nakatulog kagabi kaya hindi na ako nagtataka kung bakit parang antok na antok siya. Ako nga pakiramdam ko tulog pa ang kalahati ng utak ko.
"Kung ayaw mong lumabas, ikaw na ang magluto," sabi ko.
"Tinatamad ako."
"Mas nakakatamad lumabas."
Naningkit ang mga mata niya ng may maisip. "We don't have groceries because you used it all in your lab experiment."
"It's not a lab experiment!" I hissed. "I was trying to cook gnocchi with burnt butter and walnuts."
"Your did burned it." Ngumisi siya nang maalala ang niluto ko na pinilit kong ipakain sa kaniya dahil kinumbinsi ko na style lang ang itsura no'n. Kahit sunog talaga iyon. "You almost cremated it."
"Blaze... I swear to God..."
"Next time, babe, try to start with uncomplicated food. Like an egg perhaps?"
"I'm not going to eat egg for dinner."
He rolled his eyes. Dinutdot niya ang noo ko bago siya tumalikod at naglakad papunta sa kuwarto. Umupo na lang ulit ako sa sofa at kinuha ko ang game controller para ipagpatuloy ang laro na tinuturo niya sa akin kanina.
I looked up from the game when Blaze emerged again. Pinigilan kong mapatawa nang makita ko na balot na balot siya. He looks like Felonius Gru from Despicable Me but instead of being big, he's just plump because of all the layers of clothing that he's wearing. He's even wearing earmuffs.
"Makatawa ka samantalang ikaw nga nasa loob lang ng bahay eh balot na balot na," sabi niya habang sinusuot ang coat niya.
He's right though. I'm wearing a jacket on top of a sweater. Sa loob ng sweater ay naka t-shirt pa ako. Sa anong magagawa ko kung sobrang lamig ngayong araw na 'to?
"What do you want?" Blaze asked.
"Mary Brown's chicken." I watch him fished out the car keys from the coffee table. "And coffee from Tim Hortons."
"Wow may pahabol pa."
I stuck out my tongue at him and with a shake of his head he walked towards the main door. Nang buksan niya 'yon ay kita ko ang maputing tanawin sa labas ng bahay.
"Be careful!" I called out to him.
He just raise a hand to wave at me before he closed the doors. Inabala ko na lang ulit ang sarili ko sa paglalaro. I like playing video games but I'm never been too engrossed with it. But since we have nothing to do, it's kind of a good way to pass the time.
As if to prove that, I got into the game hard that I almost jumped to my feet when the doors opened. Tinignan ko ang wall clock bago ko binalik ang atensyon ko kay Blaze na may dala-dalang mga paper bag. He's been out for almost half an hour.
"What?" I asked him when I saw that his eyes are squinting at me again.
"The woman at Mary Brown's was looking at me like I was crazy. May problema sa drive thru nila kaya kailangan kong pumasok sa loob. Everyone's just wearing casual clothes and happily chatting while I look like I'm hiding a TV set inside my clothes. She said it's not even cold. How could it not be cold? It's snowing like hell."
Napatawa ako sa sinabi niya at humahagikhik na binuksan ko ang isa sa mga paper bag. Kumuha ako ng isang manok at kaagad akong kumagat doon. Umupo sa tabi ko si Blaze at umabot na rin siya ng sa kaniya.
"Will we ever get used to this kind of cold?"
"Probably not," I said.
"I thought my dick was going to freeze and fall off."
Muli akong napatawa pero dahil may laman ang bibig ko ay halos maibuga ko ang mga iyon. Naiiling na kumuha ng tissue ang lalaki at ipinunas niya iyon sa braso niya na natalsikan ko.
"You're gross."
I guffawed again and he moved away from me in case I give him another chicken shower. "Stop making me laugh!"
"Never."
Natigilan ako sa sinabi niya at sandaling nagtama ang mga mata namin. I know what he's talking about but I don't want to go there. We never talk about it.
I know he understood when he decided to change the subject. "Ano nga pala iyong dumating kanina? I thought someone delivered something."
"Someone did but you were too lazy to get it."
"I bought the food."
I just rolled my eyes at him before I grab the parcel that I placed on the coffee table. Binaba ko ang kinakain ko sa paper plate na nasa harapan ko at tinignan ko ang parcel. Walang nakasulat na kahit ano roon maliban sa pangalan ko, address, at contact information.
"Kanino galing?" tanong ni Blaze.
"I'm not sure."
I opened the plastic and I pulled out its content. It's bulky and it's probably consisting of a lot of documents fastened together.
I recognized it without even opening the folder yet.
Napalunok ako at hindi nililingon ang lalaki na binuksan ko iyon. I can feel my hands shaking but I just held it tighter. My eyes scanned the documents and before I even realized it, my eyes got blurry until fresh tears freely glided down my cheeks. It was only the first page that I saw. I didn't even manage to scan through everything.
Marahang kinuha niya sa akin ang hawak ko at nagbaba siya ng tingin doon. I heard him let out a breath and then he closed the folder. Ibinaba niya iyon ulit sa coffee table bago siya tumingin sa akin.
"Enyo..."
"I-I'm fine. It's okay.... I... I'm okay."
Napapabuntong-hininga na maingat niya akong hinila papunta sa kaniya. Marahan niyang hinaplos ang likod ko hanggang sa unti-unting humina ang pag-iyak ko.
"We can get married now, babe."
NAG-ANGAT ako ng tingin mula sa repleksyon ko sa salamin nang marinig ko ang pagbukas ng pintuan ng kuwartong kinaroroonan ko. A smile curved my lips when I saw a familiar face greeted me. Mukha na kaparehas ng taong mahal ko... mukha ng taong minsan kong minahal.
I always believe that. Ayokong burahin ang katotohanan na iyon sa akin. Despite everything... despite being with him and then ending things that way we did, alam ko na naging totoo ang nararamdaman namin para sa isa't isa. He will always have that part of my heart as I know that I will always have that from him.
We tried. We both thought that we were right. Marami kaming nasaktan kasi akala namin tama ang mga desisyon namin.
"You look beautiful."
Humarap ako sa lalaki at humakbang ako palapit sa kaniya, "Thank you."
He gestured me to stopped walking and I did. Sa ilang mga hakbang lang ay tinawid niya ang distansiya sa pagitan namin. Umangat ang kamay niya na para bang hahawakan ako pero ibinaba niya rin iyon.
Sandaling nakatitig lang siya sa akin na parang kinakabisa ang mukha ko. And for a moment... for a moment I let that part of myself speak again. Dahil alam kong parehas kami na alam na ito na ang huli. After today, I need to move forward completely without looking back. Kailangan ko ng bumitaw ng tuluyan dahil iyon ang tama para sa aming lahat.
"I always thought about how much it would hurt. Kung paanong tatayo ako sa tabi ng kapatid ko sa dulo ng altar habang naglalakad ka palapit sa kaniya. Kung paanong mararamdaman ko na para bang sa akin ka nakatingin katulad nang minsan kong pinangarap... but this time in reality I know that it would be wrong. That it will not happen because it's not my hand that you will reach for in the end."
Kaagad na nanlabo ang mga mata ko at humakbang ako palapit pa sa kaniya. Kahit ano pang gawin ko hindi ko maaalis sa sarili ko ang masaktan para sa kaniya na minahal ako ng totoo. I would always regret hurting him. I will always regret how we hurt each other. For being so powerless... for not having the choice to stop ourselves to have this ending.
Nakita ko ang mariin niya na pagpikit nang umangat ang kamay ko at inilapat ko iyon sa tapat ng dibdib niya, "I'm sorry."
Nang idinilat niya ang mga mata niya ay kita ko na basa rin ang mga iyon ng luha. Kinulong niya ang kamay ko na nakahawak sa kaniya at mahigpit iyon na hinawakan.
Tumango siya at bahagyang ngumiti, "I'm sorry too and yet I still want to thank you. For letting me love you. Kahit saglit lang."
May kung anong inabot siya sa bulsa niya at nang hilahin niya iyon ay nakita ko ang chain ng isang kuwintas. He let go of the chain so I could see the dangling pendant and my heart instantly felt a stabbing pain when I saw what it is. Kasabay nang pag-agos ng mga luha ko ay ang pagkilos niya para ibaba ang kamay kong hawak pa rin niya at ibinuka niya ang mga iyon. I felt the coldness of the jewelry on my palm but the warmth of his hand stayed holding me.
"For your something borrowed." he whispered.
"I-"
"Don't feel obligated to use it. He knows about this and he told me to go for it. Pwede mo naman tanggihan. I know I shouldn't... but for some reason I want to give it to you. Even just for a borrowed time because we both know that you shouldn't keep it."
Mahigpit na hinawakan ko ang singsing na ginawang pendant para sa kuwintas. It's a beautiful ring. A ring that kept the promise of his love for a long time. Kahit na hindi na niya iyon nagawang ibigay sa akin para sa rason na noon ay posible sa amin.
"Will you give this someday to the woman that you will love?"
Umiling siya at dahan-dahan na binitawan ang kamay ko, "This will always be yours."
Ang dami ng nangyari sa amin. Ang dami na namin pinagdaanan. I could have stayed with him. We could have fought harder. Pero may mga bagay na hindi namin inaasahan na mangyari. Mga bagay na hindi namin nagawang pigilan. Paano kami magsisimula kung alam namin na pagkatapos ng lahat ay hindi talaga namin masisiguro kung kaya naming manatali sa tabi ng isa't isa? Paano kung hindi namin magawang makalimutan lahat ng mga bagay na nakasakit sa amin?
We've done a lot, lied enough, and hurt too much. We both deserve to be happy with a person that will only think of us. That will always choose us in a heartbeat without doubts. We both deserve to be with someone that will really see us. Despite... and in spite.
I opened the clasp of the necklace but he stopped my hands. Kinuha niya sa akin iyon at naglakad siya paikot sa akin para tumayo sa likod ko. He gently wrapped the necklace on my neck. I reached for the pendant to hold it for a moment.
I felt him went around me again, his eyes on the ring. May kung anong dumaan sa mga mata niya pero pilit niyang itinago iyon sa akin. Instead he smiled at me before he turned around to walk out of the room.
Parang may sariling buhay ang mga paa ko na tinakbo ko ang distansiya namin at pinigilan ko siya sa braso. Kasabay nang pagharap niya sa akin ay ang pagpapaikot ko ng mga kamay ko sa bewang niya para yakapin siya.
"Be happy. That's all I want for you."
"Don't worry about me." Nakangiting pinunasan niya ang luha na naglalakbay sa magkabila kong pisngi. "I'm going to be okay, Enyo."
"Sana hindi ko kinailangan na saktan ka."
"You made me smile for a long time."
"Sana hindi ko kinailangan na bitawan ka."
"You became mine for all those time." he whispered.
"I wish we were enough."
"You gave me the chance to love you. You tried even though it was hurting you. You stayed even though I was breaking you."
"I loved you."
He gently touched my cheek before he leaned forward to place the most gentle kiss on it. "I love you."
I can hear the difference. I know the difference. Pero wala akong magawa. Kasi alam kong mas masasaktan ko siya kung pinilit namin. Dahil may mga bagay na hindi na namin kayang baguhin. Sinubukan naman namin. Pero siguro hanggang dito na lang talaga.
All I can do is let go. For the both of us.
"We can still get married you know?" Bahagya siyang lumayo sa akin at nagbaba siya ng tingin sa relos niya. "May thirty-minutes ka pa para magbago ang isip."
Sa kabila ng lahat ay hindi ko mapigilang matawa sa sinabi niya. "You're not going to wait for the priest to say the speak now or forever hold your peace speech?"
"And give my brother a chance to shoot me? No thanks."
Nangingiting napailing ako. I looked down at my chest and I can't help but touch the ring nestled between them. It's a beautiful ring. There was a time that I want him to slid it into my finger.
"It wasn't that hard."
I looked at him and I saw that his eyes are shining. I'm not blind to see the pain in them but I can also see more than that; I can see happiness and peace.
"What do you mean?"
"Ang magpaubaya."
I felt my heart clench at that but the smile in his eyes and the curved on his lips didn't falter.
"I love you and I want you to be happy. I love my brother and I want him to be happy. It's not stepping back that was hard for me. It's the process of finally getting there that was difficult. But when I finally let you go... it wasn't so hard like everyone thought it would. It didn't hurt so much."
"Blaze..."
"Pero hindi ako ang gumawa ng pinakamahirap na pagbabaubaya, Enyo. Nagparaya ang kapatid ko para sa atin at ginawa ko rin iyon para sa inyo... pero ikaw ang nagpaubaya nang higit pa sa kaya namin nang piliin mo na ibigay na sa Kaniya ang lahat. Remember the day that I arrived in Ottawa and you were surprised to see me? We talked and you told me something. "I'm not going to hold everything in my hands anymore, so tight that it hurts too much. I'm letting go and I'm just going to walk wherever this life take me. Even if that path doesn't include him anymore. If that what is needed to stop all this pain for all of us." You said that and we couldn't have done that. Stone and I tried hard to take control and we hurt a lot of people even if we didn't mean to. You stayed with me even I was breaking you and you stayed with him even though you know there's a part of you that never really fully healed. But then you left. You took a step back and gave it all to Him. Neither of us could do that, Enyo. You had a choice... easier ones... but you made a choice even if that one means you'll lose my brother."
"Don't give me all the credit," I whispered to him. "I didn't stayed away that long."
"You were planning to."
"I-"
"You let go not because you chose to lose him. You let go because you recognize that the situation is bigger than you can handle and you let fate took control. Both of us couldn't do that. I tried to fit you into my life even though you're not meant to be beside me, I forced the situation because I wanted you in my life. My brother tried that too but he didn't saw at first that there's pieces of you that changed, but when you let go... everything fell... and they landed to the places that they finally matched." Binigyan niya ako ng maliit na ngiti. "Even if it's not with me... I'm happy that you found the ground free from everything. So don't worry about me. I'll be fine."
I can my lips quivering but I fought through it to be able to whisper. "I'll never stop worrying. Not until you're really happy."
"I am happy."
"I know you're happy for me. You're also happy for your brother. But what I want is for you to be happy because you simply are."
He didn't say anything for a moment. He just keep looking at me and I did too. We will always have this. He will always have the me that is his and I will always have a part of him with me. The heaven didn't put us into each other's life just for us to hurt each other. It gave us a reason to love and see the beauty of it even it if it's not the kind of love that is meant for us.
That's all it ever was. For all of us. We hurt, we break, but still it comes down to one thing; love.
Love despite and in spite. Dahil sa kabila na alam niya kung sino ang tanging nakikita ko ay nagawa niya akong mahalin, sa kabila ng nawawalang parte sa akin noon ay nagawa ko siyang mahalin, at sa kabila ng lahat ng ako na nakikita ni Stone ay nanatili pa rin niya akong minamahal.
To love not because... but to love despite of all the scars.
"You'll be the first one to know," he said after awhile.
"You bet I will be."
_____________________________End of Chapter 36.
It's that time of the year. Budolings is back. Secret lang natin ang part na ito sa group lalo na sa mga taong hindi pa nakakabasa. Nagpakaba lang naman ako :3 Wait for the next chapter para malaman ano talaga nangyari sa first part ng chapter na 'to at kung ano yung nabasa ni Enyo.
Wuvwuv all!
-MsBudol