4x2 ~ BRITNEY 2.0 ~
"My name is Brittany S. Pierce, and I finally know how Jesus feels in his house way up at the North Pole, because I am on top of the world. Senior year was awesome, and now I get to relive every minute of it. I'm co-captain of the Cheerios!, vice-Rachel of the glee club, and now I'm planning a Middle East style sham election that will install me as senior class president for life."
"Brittany, who are you talking to?" Blaine asked.
"I thought I was doing a voice-over." Brittany replied, as she continued to stare straight ahead.
"Okay." Blaine nodded, still somewhat confused.
"It was kind of a rough summer. I really miss Santana, but... for now, all I have to say is... It's Brittany, bitch."
{Hold It Against Me - Sung by Brittany S. Pierce}
As the Cheerios finished their routine, Lexi smiled, as she posed on the top of the formation. However, she could see Brittany smiling too, and then to their dismay, Coach Sylvester, who didn't look impressed at all.
"Well, that was just garbage." She exclaimed, as Lexi and Brittany exchanged glances. "Garbage wrapped in skin. Brittany, my office...Now! You as well Lexi!"
Lexi shook her head with a sigh. "Coming down." She said, as the other girls caught her, as she hit the floor, helping her onto her feet. She walked over to Brittany before glancing at the other girls. "Hit the showers, guys." She directed, as the remaining Cheerios headed off to the showers. Lexi ignored the looks that Kitty, and Bree were sending her, before she turned back to Brittany.
"Let's go, Britt." She said, as her and Brittany made their way towards Coach Sylvester's office. Lexi knocked on her door, before they walked inside.
"Have a seat." Coach Sylvester said, removing her glasses while the girls sat down in front of her desk. Lexi assumed she did something wrong, but when Sue looked at Brittany, she knew that she was in the clear. Brittany on the other hand...wasn't.
"I hold in my hand the most recent algebra test of one Becky Jackson. Our plucky little Ewok waddled her way to a respectable C-plus. Now, your performance, very same exam, unearthed the hitherto undiscovered grade.... F-minus. You answered every question with see other side, where you composed an elaborate crayon-scape entitled Happyville: the town where math was never invented."
"Britt..." Lexi said, as she raised her eyebrow at the girl. Sure, Brittany may not always be the brightest. Lexi always knew that she had to ease her verbal dialogue, and dumb down her intelligence whenever they were together. She didn't have a problem with that, but seeing what Brittany did on the exam, that was different.
"Yeah, that's me, and that's Santana, and that's Kurt and Rachel in Heaven. That is Quinn, Lex, and Sam over there. And look, that's you, Coach." Brittany explained, stil oblivious to why she was called into the office.
"Brittany, you're a terrible role model for the Cheerios! As much as you're not their captain, they look up to you, not just Lexi for some unprecedented reason. Last year, I was lost in a haze of pregnancy hormones, and I allowed your record breaking GPA to slide. The Cheerios grade point average has dropped three full points. Some of my girls no longer see academic achievement as a worthy goal, and yesterday, I caught one of them trying to marry a squirrel. Except for Lexi. She's definitely going to be Valedictorian by May at graduation. I don't need stupid manifestions or predictions to know that." Sue ranted.
"That's 'cause I believe in marriage equality for all land mammals." Brittany simply commented referring to the animal part of Sue's rant.
"Brittany, you're off the Cheerios. I'm afraid you're going to have to lose the high pony."
"Tough love feels a lot like mean." Brittany muttered, her face falling, before she stood up, and left the office.
Lexi let out a breath, before she turned back to Sue. "Coach Sylvester, you have to give Brittany some benefit of the doubt." She pleaded. "She lost Santana, who's away in Louisville, and barely bothers to communicate with her. It's gotten to poor Brittany, and she's spiralled into some depression. She doesn't need to lose Cheerios. It's what keeps her going." She added.
"I can't change my mind because Sandbags isn't keeping in touch." Sue shook her head.
"I might have a plan..." Lexi smirked, as Sue raised her eyebrow at the girl.
"And do you think it will work, Mila Kunis wannabe?" Sue asked, as Lexi nodded.
"Trust me, Coach. I'll fix this fiasco. I have the most genius idea." Lexi assured her, before running out of the office after Brittany.
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"Great news, guys. Principal Figgins has asked us to perform at the annual back to-school pep rally this week." Mr. Schue announced, while he walked into the choir room. At that, everyone clapped and cheered. Lexi smiled, but it faded when she turned to see Brittany who sat beside her in regular baggy attire, while she shoved chocolates into her mouth, two at a time. "Now, I understand our National Champion street cred has dropped a bit since school started, but this is our chance to really wow them and get back." He added.
"What are we gonna perform?" Joe asked, as Mr. Schue sent a nod his way.
"Good question." He said with a smile, as he exchanged a look with Lexi who gave him the go ahead. "We're a family in here, and when one of our family is falling down, it's up to us to get together to pick them back up."
He wrote Britney 2.0 on the whiteboard, causing everyone's faces to break into smiles at the assignment that week.
"Oh, my god." Tina exclaimed, gasping excitedly. "Are we doing Britney Week again?"
"You really came into your own during the last Britney week." Mr. Schue answered, as he walked to stand in front of Brittany. "You showed us the best of Britney. Youth, energy, confidence. She inspires you, and you inspire us. So everyone, prepare a Britney song for the week, and we're gonna pick one to do for the pep rally. And I've asked Blaine, and Artie to give us a little taste of what we're looking for."
Hearing their names mentioned, Blaine and Artie made their way to the middle of the room to prepare for their performance.
"This one's for you, Brittany." Blaine said, before the song began.
{Boys/Boyfriend - Sung by Blaine Anderson and Artie Abrams}
The group jammed to the song, while Brittany sat watching, slowing beginning to be inspired by the music again. Once the song concluded, everyone clapped and cheered for the two boys.
"I'm once again inspired by the awesomeness of Britney." She commented, as Lexi smiled at Sam, before sending Brittany a smile. "Thanks, Mr. Schue."
---------
Lexi stood by her locker, when someone closed it. She jumped to see the new kid.
"Hey." Jake greeted.
"Oh hey." Lexi replied, as she opened her locker again to retrieve her textbooks. "You're Just Jake, that kid who threw the music stand on the ground a few weeks ago."
"I didn't. I think I'd remember." Jake answered, as she restrained herself from scolding him right then and there. She decided on a comeback.
"Would you though?" Lexi asked, tapping the side of her head with her finger, while giving him a suspicious side smile.
"I saw you during Cheerios practice earlier. You were great."
"Thank you." Lexi nodded, wishing he'd leave her alone. "Why are you talking to me?"
"You're Lexi Torres. Everyone knows of your existence at this school, plus your captain of the Cheerios."
"Yeah, and your point?" She asked, raising her eyebrow.
"You and me tonight at eight, Breadstix."
"Are you seriously asking me out?" Lexi asked, disgusted.
"Yeah, I am." Jake nodded.
"I don't know you...and sorry to disappoint, but I have a boyfriend." She added, folding her arms. "It's a solid no, Just Jake." She answered, shutting her locker, and walking down the hallway.
Lexi hadn't been walking too long when she came upon Marley, Unique and Tina down the hallway, who looked at Jake, with the same disgusted faces as her. Although, Marley looked rather conflicted.
"He's a womanizer, so don't you even think about it." Lexi commented, as Tina and Unique nodded in agreement.
Lexi continued walking, and saw Sam and Joe sitting in a classroom alone. She knocked on the door, and entered the room.
"Aren't you guys supposed to be holding your God Squad meeting right now?" She asked, confused.
"No one joined this year." Joe explained. "No one wanted to."
"It's just the two of us." Sam answered, unbothered by the fact that no interest had been shown.
"Hmm." Lexi shrugged, as she sat down in a chair beside Sam. "I'm sorry to say, but this is kind of sad and pathetic." She commented, earning laughs from the two boys.
"Baby, you can always join." Sam smiled, as he pulled her onto his lap.
"I'll pass." Lexi nodded, not even needing to think about the invitation. "But I appreciate the invitation." She smiled, kissing Sam's cheek, before sitting back up. "The actual reason I stopped by was to ask you boys a favor."
"And what would that be?" Sam asked, as Joe raised an eyebrow at her, both of them awaiting her explanation.
"Since it's Britney week, I propose that the three of us perform a song for Brittany. I have a list of her favorite songs. It may not be the best song option to sing, due to the fact that you are both a little religious...but..." She was cut off by Sam and Joe.
"I'm in." Sam interjected.
"So am I." Joe answered.
"Well, that's tripletastic." She smirked, internally cringing at her joke.
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Lexi sat in between Sam and Joe who played their guitars, while the three of them sang Britney Spears song 3 to Brittany.
Joe, Lexi, Sam
One, two, three
Not only you and me
Countin' one, two, three
Peter, Paul and Mary
Getting down with 3P
Everybody loves countin'
Lexi
Three is a charm
Two is not the same
I don't see the harm
So are you game?
Let's make a team
Make 'em say my name
Loving the extreme
Now are you game?
Joe (Lexi)
Are you in?
(Living in sin is the new thing)
Are you in?
(I am coutin')
Joe, Lexi, Sam
One, two, three
Not only you and me
Got 180 degrees
And I'm caught in between
Countin' one, two, three
Peter, Paul and Mary
Getting down 3P
Everybody loves coutin'
Sam
What we do is innocent
Just for one and nothing meant
Lexi
If you don't like the company
Let's just do it you and me
You and me
Joe, Lexi, Sam
Or three
Or four
On the floor
(On the floor)
On the floor
(On the floor)
On the floor!
On the floor!
One, two, three
Not only you and me
Got 180 degrees
And I'm caught in between
Countin' one, two, three
Peter, Paul and Mary
Getting down with 3P
Everybody loves countin'
(One, two, three)
Peter, Paul and Mary
Getting down 3P
Everybody loves countin'
Unique's scream, caused them to stop singing. Lexi immediately jumped out of her seat when she saw Brittany about to shave off her head, with clippers.
"Brittany, what are you doing?!" Mr Schue exclaimed, as Brittany turned around with a frown.
"Coach Sylvester's taken away my high pony." She muttered, as Lexi walked up to her. "If I can't have my high pony, I don't want any hair at all." She added.
"No! Britt! Stop!" Lexi squealed, as Brittany turned on the clippers again. Having enough of seeing her friend suffer, Leix pulled the clippers from Brittany's hands, and unplugged them.
Brittany walked out, and was greeted by JBI - what convenient timing. He clearly didn't understand personal space, or sensitivity.
"Brittany S. Pierce, what do you say to reports you've gone off the rails?" He asked, shoving the microphone in Brittany's face. Lexi heard him questioning Britt, and sighed, as her, Sam, Artie, Tina, and Blaine walked out of the door. They were just in time to see Brittany pushing a harassing JBI out of the way.
"Leave me alone, JBI!" Brittany yelled annoyed.
"What's going on in your head right now?" He asked, ignoring her request.
"Leave me alone, JBI!"
"What are you thinking?"
"There's no comment! Leave me alone!" She yelled again.
"Oh my..." Lexi gasped, when she saw Brittany retrieve an umbrella from her locker. She watched as the blonde started whacking Jacob with it. She hated seeing Brittany in such a downward spiral, and then again, she was enjoying the beating - although she was sure it wasn't necessary.
"Should we do something?" Blaine asked.
"No, he deserves it." Tina muttered, as the group quietly agreed.
"I'm weirdly enjoying this." Lexi commented, as Sam laughed quietly, pulling her closer to him.
"About Brittany's downward spiral. I don't think the whole singing-at-her thing isn't really helping." Blaine added.
"Probably what she misses most about Cheerios is being in the spotlight." Artie agreed.
"You're probably right..." Sam sighed, as they jumped when Brittany whacked JBI once more. "We should give her that.."
Lexi had had enough, and wandered over to Brittany and JBI. "Leave Brittany alone!" She screamed. "Leave her alone!" She repeated.
---------
The New Directions agreed that Brittnay needed an intervention. Or a Britt-evervention, as Lexi called it, so that is exactly what they did.
Brittany currently sat in front of them, in more baggy clothes, while she held a terrifyingly massive cup of coffee.
"Kiki, why is everybody in the Glee Club staring at me?" Brittany asked into her phone.
"Because those fools are jealous." A voice - which Lexi distinguished as an Australian accent - answered.
"Who's Kiki?" Tina frowned.
"Kiki is Siri's super smart older cousin who's really jealous of how famous Siri's gotten. She lives inside the super cheap phone I found at the Laundromat." Brittany explained.
"What size coffee is that?" Sam asked, just as concerned as Lexi, along with the rest of the group.
"Kiki, what size coffee am I drinking?" Brittany spoke into her phone.
"You're drinking a settanta' 70 ounces of expression." The voice answered.
"Brittany, that's way too much coffee for one human to consume everyday...or EVER." Lexi exclaimed, as she took the big cup of coffee out of Brittany's hands.
"Thank you, Kiki. You're the only one that I can trust now that Santana's too busy for me." Brittany said to her phone.
"Britt, listen." Lexi sighed, kneeling in front of her friend. "All of us are genuinely concerned about your downward spiral. Some of your antics and actions this week are signs of depression and anxiety...We want to help you, and prevent it from getting worse. You know that we all care for you, and frankly, we're worried."
"We know how hard it must have felt to get kicked off the Cheerios." Blaine added. "We want to help you get back on your feet and start performing again."
"You should be the lead performer at the pep assembly on Friday." Tina suggested.
"That's great, but there's only one problem." Brittany answered, as everyone waited for her to continue. "I have to lip-sync."
"We don't lip-sync in Glee." Blaine pointed out.
"He's right, Britt." Lexi nodded. "That's breaking the rule...and plus, we could get suspended. We don't want that, and I know somewhere deep down, you don't want that either."
"Well, my voice is too weak to sing live." Brittany protested. "I've been up every night this week yelling at the shrubs in my yard that have been making fun of me."
"They're angry, huh?" Lexi asked, as she nodded.
"We'll record the song in advance. Lexi, you can choreograph with my assistance, and Mr. Schue will never know. Lots of performers do this now. Kristen Stewart, James Earl Jones...Kiki, is it a good idea for me to lip-sync at the pep assembly?" Brittany asked.
"It's not a good idea. It's a great idea. Can I get you another settanta?"
---------
As you can guess, the pep-rally was a catastrophic disaster. Brittany didn't once let go of her orange soda, and Cheetos during the performance, which led to her being accused of lip syncing. They did lip-sync, but what mattered right now, was the fact that Mr. Schue was very enraged and unimpressed with the group.
"In the 58-year history of the William McKinley High School Glee Club, there has never been such a debacle!" He exclaimed. "We do not lip-sync ever!" He added.
"We're sorry, Mr. Schue." Blaine was the first to apologize. "We were just trying to help Brittany out." He tried to explain.
"Lip-syncing is the equivalent of blood doping in professional sports!" He yelled, arguing with Blaine's response. "Every gain we've made in the last three years has been wiped out. And I'm not just talking about our reputation here at McKinley. If the National Show Choir Board of Review gets wind of this, we could be barred from competing. What do you have to say for yourself, Brittany?"
"To quote the legend herself, "if I met me, I would say a quick hello and then think I was a really nice girl." Brittany said, as she stood up. "And I resign from Glee Club, effective immediately." She added, leaving the room.
Lexi watched her go with a forlorn expression. Sam noticed his girlfriend's distress, and pulled her into his arms, allowing her to lean her head against his shoulder, while he ran his hand through her hair.
"Well...my intervention and clearly the assignment this week turned out horrendously." She exclaimed.
"Don't get yourself down about this, baby." Sam whispered, kissing her head. "We're all going to get through this as a team. I promise, we will."
--------
After the catastrophic fiasco at the pep rally, and Mr. Schue's scolding, Brittany wandered into the auditorium where Lexi sat alone in one of the rows waiting for her.
"Four, five, six, seven..." Brittany muttered, as she followed the steps on the map. Once she reached her destination, she took the map away to reveal Lexi, smiling sadly, up at her.
"Hey Britt." Lexi spoke up, as Brittany looked down at her best friend.
"I got your note to come meet you here. Thanks for drawing the map." She answered.
"Yeah, actually I borrowed Sam's map." Lexi smiled softly "I didn't want to risk having someone steal my compass." She added, jokingly.
"Wait...you have a compass as well?" Brittany asked with excitement in her eyes.
Lexi just shook her head, and sighed before getting to the point. "Look, Britt, I'm worried about you, everyone is. The lip-syncing, beating up Jacob Ben Israel...You're intentionally hitting rock bottom."
"So I can make a glorious comeback, just like Britney. I mean, look at her. She got paid 14 million to be on X Factor. She looks great. She has amazing perfume you can smell from miles away. No matter what happened to her, she just came back stronger." Brittany smiled.
Her smile turned into an empty stare, as she looked at the stage, as she proceeded to pop more chocolate into her mouth, however, Lexi caught her, and gently took the chocolate away from her.
Lexi grabbed the snack that Brittany was eating. "No that's enough junk food Britt." She said sternly. "It's not healthy." She said, as Brittany sighed.
"Right, well. Consider this the last stop on the Train Wreck Express. An intervention." Lexi said, as Brittany wrapped her hands around Lexi's arm, and leaned her head against her shoulder - grateful for some comfort.
"Thank you, Lex." Brittany sighed. "I'm just so sad that everybody's mad at me."
"I just think they didn't understand what you were up to." Lexi said before she turned her head to look at Brittany, frowning. "You okay? You still seem kind of bummed."
"I don't know. Santana would have understood. And then she would have used mean words against anyone who got down on me."
"You miss her, don't you?"
"I just miss, like the little things, like her laughs and the smell of her armpits. Yes, we had interesting lady sex, but she was also my best friend."
"Well, as one of your other best friends, I'm here for you. Look, I know you and I weren't as close as I was with Santana and Quinn, but you are, and will always be a part of our squad. You matter and your health matters. I will always have your back, and nothing will ever change that. Okay?"
"Okay." Britt smiled at Lexi who gave her a comforting side hug. "That's a deal."
"Now we need to figure out a resolution to getting you back on to the Cheerios, as co-captain again."
"It's all a part of the comeback." Brittany smiled.
-------
"Okay, let's give a big New Directions welcome to Jake Puckerman." Mr. Schue announced, as he walked into the room, with Jake behind him. At that, everyone clapped politely.
Lexi leaned into to whisper to Sam. "You know he's Puck's stepbrother, and he tried to hit on me. True depiction of the Puckerman fashion." She rolled her eyes, as Sam chuckled.
"Hey." Sam greeted. "Your brother and I were really good friends. Ain't that a coincidence?" He asked.
"Sam..." Lexi chuckled.
"It's weird, okay!?" Sam defended himself, as she smiled, letting him pull her into his arms.
"Welcome, bro. God made you, and know that God doesn't make mistakes." Joe said as he sent Jake a smile, to which Jake frowned, before sitting down.
"Mr. Schuester?" Marley called out, as the teacher turned to her.
"Yeah, Marley?"
"If it's alright, I'd like to sing one last Brittany song."
"Did that come out this morning?" Artie asked. "Cause we've scraped the bottom of that Britney barrel."
"Not exactly. This is one of my favorites songs." Merely responded, as she sat down on a stool in the middle of the room.
{EVERYTIME-SUNG BY MARLEY ROSE}