BEN
I closed the door behind me, but only once I'd heard the shower running I opened my eyes, and let out a heavy sigh. That must have been one of the hardest and most awkward things I've ever done in my entire life – and believe me, I've had plenty of embarrassing and surreal moments.
I don't know how long I can go on with this. She's not stupid, she'll figure it out eventually; it's already odd that she hasn't questioned me despite that kiss.
Looking down at my pants, I groaned. Sweet, naïve Joanna even believed me when I said it was the phone. What damn phone? Mine was blatantly sitting on her bed, always blowing up with texts and missed calls. Valerie's been giving me a hard time about this, I try to take her off my trail, but we've known each other all too well for her to just believe I suddenly had some sort of homosexual epiphany in my mid-20s.
Yeah, I'm not gay. Duh. The revelation of the year, isn't it? Anyone less naïve than my sweet JoJo could have told you that much. Seriously, not even that kiss woke her up. Just how deeply lost in her self-loathing denial is she?
I mean, set aside the fact that if your friend is gay, he would never even accidentally kiss you, but a guy that loves his friendzone wouldn't kiss you like that, believe me. I almost felt free, I could finally say the truth, but then I chickened out.
I loved that kiss, though. I don't know what's going on with me, why did I just lie to her like that, why do I keep on lying even though I am perfectly aware that once she finds out, she will cast me out and never forgive me. And how could she?
She's slowly starting to trust me, open up to me, if now I come up with such a revelation, she'll not only hate me forever, but she will never ever trust a human being again, and I can't let that happen. She's spent the past 28 years surviving in her cozy bubble, far from the madding crowd, if now I prove her she was right to stay away from people, she'll never emerge from under her safety blanket again.
Raking a hand over my face, I tried to take my thoughts off Joanna for a moment, in order to fix the problem where the sun doesn't shine. But considering she was just one door away taking a shower, it wasn't easy not to let my dirty mind wander.
My eyes were closed the entire time, out of respect for her, but I did see. I saw with my hands, as they traced her voluptuous body ... and my God, was it mind-blowing. Those maddening curves, I could lose myself just tracing their lines, up and down, along that rollercoaster I wouldn't mind trying even just once.
Ugh. Damnit, these thoughts don't help. I opted for going out onto her balcony, to get some fresh air, hoping that would do the magic. There's nothing more off-putting than a lousy view on a filthy Brooklyn restaurant. The awful smells penetrated my nostrils, which was enough to distract me, thank God.
But this mess, this isn't going away. You can't lie to someone like her and still think she won't drop you. Sighing, I leaned over the balustrade, but even in the noise of the city, I could hear my phone buzzing from Joanna's bed.
Coming to New York was a big sacrifice, but I did it for the right reasons, and I know she'll thank me for it soon enough, but right now it's hard to convince her. The only compromise I could find was that we'd text all day and that I'd be her good morning and her goodnight every time. I still miss her, though, so much.
"Ben?" I heard Joanna call from the inside. I didn't have time to answer, when she didn't see me, she just went ahead and took off her bathrobe, remaining completely naked, no undergarments either. I covered my mouth before I could groan out loud, but not wanting to be a pervert, I turned around immediately, facing the alley below.
God, this is going to kill me. Good thing I'll go home this weekend, at least I can try and get my head straight. Getting time off work wasn't exactly easy, but I had to, Elle wouldn't forgive me if I missed her birthday.
How did I get myself into this mess, I have no idea. Between Elle and Joanna, my family, my job, university, I feel like I'm going insane. And the worst part is, I've been telling so many lies to so many people that I'm not even sure anymore which is which. I dread the day I'll slip up and lose everything all at once.
When I heard Joanna curse, I unconsciously smiled. All of this might be ultra-complicated, but I guess it is kind of worth it if I get to spend some time with such a lovely girl. I am 100% sure she wouldn't have eased up with me so soon, hadn't I lied about being gay. Not because she feared I might hit on her and become a creepy neighbor that stalked her, but because she's uneasy with men, so I thought that seeing me as pretty much a woman would help. I'd have told her I'm a drag queen, if that would have helped. Anything just to break through that hard shell of hers.
Believe it or not, at first my intentions were utterly pure. How couldn't they be? I've got Elle at home in Nebraska, I would have never dared. In the beginning, all I wanted was to help this shy girl find herself, the same as I did for Valerie, and the same as I was helped in my teen years. But then, I don't know ... it's as if she sucked me into her crazy awkward, nerdy world, and I found myself being a happy captive. Now I don't know how to get out of it alive.
I'll admit Jeremy was pure luck. He arrived at the right time, otherwise I would have had to explain that kiss. But she got so caught up in her date that she forgot about it, thankfully. Hadn't it been for those painkillers making her dizzy, she wouldn't have kissed me either.
I'm just gonna have to rely on her shyness this time, and hope she tucks this entire episode tonight far, far away in some uncharted corner of her mind. That way I can still live this lie a little more. One day I'll tell her everything, I promise, just not yet.
☆☆☆☆☆
"He can't just fire you." I furrowed my eyebrows when she told me her stupid employer sacked her. I've got half a mind of going over to the diner to teach Scott some manners. You think I didn't notice the bruises? Dipshit is lucky I didn't want to get her in trouble, otherwise he'd already be in a hospital crying for mommy. But unfortunately I am well acquainted with the pains of having to swallow the crap every day just to make ends meet.
"He didn't fire me," Joanna explained as she took a spoonful of her white rice – much against her will, I convinced her it was better to eat something simple after having thrown up like that. "I quit."
I blinked my eyes, surprised yet also proud of her. "You really did?"
"Yeah. I mean, I was probably too confused by the pain together with the meds and the fact that Jeremy was coming to pick me up, but ... I did it."
Ugh. Jeremy again. He called her earlier, wanting to make sure she was okay, he said; he'll come over when he finishes work, he said. I know, I threw her into his arms ... doesn't mean I have to enjoy it. He seems nice and all, but you know, we are still rivals, how am I supposed to like him?
Then again, technically we're not rivals. I can't do anything about this, there's Elle. I have to think about Elle. She was already mad that I missed her calls tonight because I was busy either taking care of Joanna or trying to push away all those thoughts about her. I haven't even told her about my neighbor, she'd get crazy jealous and would most likely come to New York.
"So what now?" I asked just in time, before Joanna realized I was spacing out.
She shrugged. "I don't know."
"Are you ok with ..."
"Don't even think about it." She sent me a dirty look, to which I chuckled.
"What? I said nothing."
She pointed her spoon at me, like a weapon. "Rent."
"What about it?" I played innocent.
She glared, unknowingly looking cuter. "I can make it while I find another job."
"For how long?" I inquired, only now realizing that if she can't afford to stay, she'll have to go back to her hometown.
"A month or two. It should be enough."
"You seem pretty positive, I'm impressed."
She grinned, glancing at her phone. "I'm just in a good mood." Ugh. Right. Fucking Jeremy again. "You know, Jeremy said his captain is looking for an assistant."
"What captain?"
"Oh, right, I didn't tell you." She laughed, giddy. "Jeremy is a cop." Great. Hard to beat a uniform. Ugh. What am I even saying? I'm not supposed to do anything. Elle, think about Elle.
"Nice." I commented dryly.
"Yeah. Well, we wouldn't work on the same floor, of course," she blushed therefore lowered her gaze, "but of course ... we'd see each other more often." Fantastic. "I know it's silly, but ... I wouldn't really mind seeing him more of him." Great. Stab me while you're at it.
Lucky, or unlucky, for me, my phone buzzed. This time I couldn't ignore it. "Sorry," I said as I stood from the kitchen table where we'd been eating dinner, "I have to take this." I went out the door before she could reply. After having taken a deep breath, I answered the phone. "Hey, sweetie?"
"Where have you been?" She cut straight to the chase, clearly mad.
"Just busy, honey. How are you?"
"Busy how?"
"Well, you know, work and university, the usual thing."
"I don't believe you."
I sighed. "Why would I lie to you?"
"I don't know, but you never have time anymore ..."
"Well, don't worry, I'll have all the time in the world for you this weekend, okay? I'll be all yours."
"So you're really coming?" I smiled when I heard the excitement in her voice.
"Of course I'm coming. In the 10 years we've been together, have I ever missed your birthday? Why would I start now? I miss you more than you could possibly imagine, honey, I can't wait to see you."
"Me too. Can I come to New York with you, though?" Elle asked, hopeful.
I sighed, raking a hand over my face. "Not yet. Remember I said I'd try to settle first, then I'd come back for you."
"Yeah, but ..."
"Just give me a few more months, okay? I love you so much, I'm doing this for us, to give us a better future. Staying away from you is pure agony, but it's a small sacrifice if compared to the happiness that awaits us." She wasn't convinced at all, but finally she agreed, then we hung up. I felt guilty for lying, but I can't let her come here yet. Things aren't going as well as I thought they would, and with Joanna ... I really don't know how could I explain it to Joanna.