Virgin Lips

31. Now they know you're alive

Are you ok?

Please answer me

I knocked and knocked but nobody answered

Baby please call me, I'm getting worried

Four of the twelve messages Jeremy sent me after I cancelled our plans for the night. On one side it's cute, on the other ... a bit asphyxiating. But I understand it, I just bailed on him out of the blue last night, and refused to take his calls or answer his texts. Because he is like me, I am sure Jeremy is afraid I reconsidered our whole um situation, that his love declaration freaked me out so I'm ghosting him until he finally realizes we broke up. That's what I would think.

I'll deal with him sooner or later, too, same as I'll answer Faith, Hope, Valerie, even Michelle, who keep sending me messages. It's a bit exaggerated, if you ask me. It's not like I dropped off the face of the Earth for 6 months, it's just been 1 day.

Then again, Faith probably already told everyone except Jeremy. Not that I gave her and Hope any account of what happened, I just told them I wanted to sleep, but Faith carved out of me a simple sentence: Ben is a liar. That was enough to unleash them. Faith started ranting and cursing loudly, claiming she knew, there was something odd about him, there had to be something, while Hope tried to come comfort me.

All I did was crawl on my bed, and curl up in a safe cocoon. It's where I've been since last night. Even Joe texted me, saying Valerie asked if he'd heard from me. For being friends with such an introvert as I am, these people sure have a knack for drama. When you know someone like me, you should expect a couple of days of silence every now and then, but I guess I got them too used to a different me.

The fun fact is that I thought this was really a new-old me, but the truth is, it was just a silly, naïve girl that Ben manipulated. I spent night and day thinking about everything he ever told me and, surprise, surprise, I found quite a few inconsistencies. Stuff that anyone would have picked up, had they been not as stupid as Joanna Brooks.

Why did he always take his phone calls alone? Why was I never allowed to even catch one single word of it? Joanna The Dumb One thought sense of privacy; anyone else would have said he's hiding something.

Why did he never tell me about his past? Why was it always bits and pieces? Like random childhood stories, but never anything past high school? Why, to this day, even Valerie doesn't know why did they pull apart?

All this, I thought he was just a private person, that he didn't feel comfortable talking about himself and his past. How wrong I was. He didn't talk about it simply because it was a whole parallel life he was trying to hide.

This isn't just any lie, you know. It's not like he said he hates pineapple pizza, instead he loves it and eats it secret when I'm not around. This is a whole different Ben.

I don't get it, I honestly don't. What was the purpose of this lie? He said it was just so I wouldn't run away, but run away from what? I'm not an abused woman that is wary of straight men, therefore could only trust a gay one.

Social awkwardness is about people in general. Sure, at first I felt a little bit freer knowing he was gay, and it was probably a bit silly of me, but soon enough it became simply about how comfortable I felt around him because it was him.

I thought I knew him. I've never cared about people's past. Sure, I was curious and confused as to why he didn't say anything, but in the end I didn't care. It was my friend, my best friend – if such a definition doesn't sound corny coming from a 29-year-old.

I had a friend in high school, my one and only friend. Yet we weren't as close as I am with Ben. Well, as close as I thought I was, because you can't really say you are really friends when the other lies to you all the time, can you?