Virgin Lips

20. Living in a lie

BEN

I closed the door behind me, but only once I'd heard the shower running I opened my eyes, and let out a heavy sigh. That must have been one of the hardest and most awkward things I've ever done in my entire life – and believe me, I've had plenty of embarrassing and surreal moments.

I don't know how long I can go on with this. She's not stupid, she'll figure it out eventually; it's already odd that she hasn't questioned me despite that kiss.

Looking down at my pants, I groaned. Sweet, naïve Joanna even believed me when I said it was the phone. What damn phone? Mine was blatantly sitting on her bed, always blowing up with texts and missed calls. Valerie's been giving me a hard time about this, I try to take her off my trail, but we've known each other all too well for her to just believe I suddenly had some sort of homosexual epiphany in my mid-20s.

Yeah, I'm not gay. Duh. The revelation of the year, isn't it? Anyone less naïve than my sweet JoJo could have told you that much. Seriously, not even that kiss woke her up. Just how deeply lost in her self-loathing denial is she?

I mean, set aside the fact that if your friend is gay, he would never even accidentally kiss you, but a guy that loves his friendzone wouldn't kiss you like that, believe me. I almost felt free, I could finally say the truth, but then I chickened out.

I loved that kiss, though. I don't know what's going on with me, why did I just lie to her like that, why do I keep on lying even though I am perfectly aware that once she finds out, she will cast me out and never forgive me. And how could she?

She's slowly starting to trust me, open up to me, if now I come up with such a revelation, she'll not only hate me forever, but she will never ever trust a human being again, and I can't let that happen. She's spent the past 28 years surviving in her cozy bubble, far from the madding crowd, if now I prove her she was right to stay away from people, she'll never emerge from under her safety blanket again.

Raking a hand over my face, I tried to take my thoughts off Joanna for a moment, in order to fix the problem where the sun doesn't shine. But considering she was just one door away taking a shower, it wasn't easy not to let my dirty mind wander.

My eyes were closed the entire time, out of respect for her, but I did see. I saw with my hands, as they traced her voluptuous body ... and my God, was it mind-blowing. Those maddening curves, I could lose myself just tracing their lines, up and down, along that rollercoaster I wouldn't mind trying even just once.

Ugh. Damnit, these thoughts don't help. I opted for going out onto her balcony, to get some fresh air, hoping that would do the magic. There's nothing more off-putting than a lousy view on a filthy Brooklyn restaurant. The awful smells penetrated my nostrils, which was enough to distract me, thank God.

But this mess, this isn't going away. You can't lie to someone like her and still think she won't drop you. Sighing, I leaned over the balustrade, but even in the noise of the city, I could hear my phone buzzing from Joanna's bed.

Coming to New York was a big sacrifice, but I did it for the right reasons, and I know she'll thank me for it soon enough, but right now it's hard to convince her. The only compromise I could find was that we'd text all day and that I'd be her good morning and her goodnight every time. I still miss her, though, so much.

"Ben?" I heard Joanna call from the inside. I didn't have time to answer, when she didn't see me, she just went ahead and took off her bathrobe, remaining completely naked, no undergarments either. I covered my mouth before I could groan out loud, but not wanting to be a pervert, I turned around immediately, facing the alley below.