Virgin Lips

28. The first one hits you differently

JOANNA

Laugh. Come on, laugh, I know you want to. It must be so challenging to keep all those face muscles restrained from laughing, I won't be mad if you just give up. Laugh. It's easy. Or smirk, I don't know. Just ... don't look at me like that.

Jeremy stared at me, somewhat hurt. Because he had just told me he loved me and I had just frozen like a corpse in his arms, consequently causing him to pull back. I did spend the last 5 minutes in utter silence. If what he said was true, if that I love you wasn't a joke, then of course he's hurt.

But how can it not be a joke? How can someone as sweet and kind as Jeremy actually fall in love with someone like me? If he were to start laughing, I wouldn't even blame him.

"I know it's way too soon," Jeremy finally spoke, but in a sigh, "I just ... well," he pulled back entirely, scratching the back of his head as usual, "I mean, it's been years, you know, and ..." another sigh. He stood up, and started pacing.

"Jeremy ..."

"No, ok, I mean, I get it, you're freaked out, hell, I am freaked out myself," he said, then raked a hand over his face, sighing once more. "I thought if I said it smoothly, it'll sound less ... well, I mean ... you know, pathetic. But ...." He groaned lowly.

"You ... you mean it?" I heard myself whisper.

"Of course, I mean it." I guess I spoke loud enough for him to hear me. Jeremy turned to me, tilting his head to the side. "Why wouldn't I mean it?"

Well, do you want me to list the reasons alphabetically or just by category? Because there's a whole archive ready for me to open.

He plopped back on the couch beside me, albeit frantic. "How can I not mean it?" Jeremy went on. I kind of flinched when he grabbed my hand and entangled it in his. He bit on his bottom lip, sucking on it, which is another one of his nervous tics. "I may have ... downplayed my crush back in the day a little."

"What ... what do you mean?"

Jeremy squeezed my hand. "I may have been further down the road to bigger ... feelings than I let on."

"But ..."

"Yeah, we never spoke much, I know, but ... well, I actually don't know, but ... yeah, I mean, from that almost nothing to this, I ..." He left my hand abruptly, jumping up again, and started frantically pacing back and forth. He kept muttering to himself, I wasn't even able to catch what he said, something along the lines of, 'crazy' and 'what was I thinking'. Of course, he would have such a reaction. I shouldn't even be surprised. I did say he's just as awkward as I am, if not even more, didn't I?

"Jeremy ..." I tried to call, but he kept shaking his head. Obviously, he was blaming himself for his own feelings, telling himself how stupid it was to confess what he felt. I didn't hear him, I just know because that's exactly what I would have done. "Why?" I finally asked, loud enough to reach his hysterical self.

"Why what?"

"Why ... why do you ... feel what you feel?"

Jeremy stopped his pacing, and faced me. He looked at me as if I was insane. "Because you're you." He finally said, which took me off guard. "I mean, you're awkward and you have a really weird obsession for serial killers, your cats hate me and after a whole month we've only kissed, but ... how can I not love you?" He grabbed my hands, so that I stood up to face him directly. 

The fact that his eyes were fixated on me made me slightly uncomfortable, but I wasn't sure how to get out of it. "It's easy with you, Jo." Jeremy said, squeezing my hands. "I haven't often felt comfortable in my own skin, but with you, it's just ... different. I feel like I can be myself without fear."

Now, what do you answer to that? How do you properly react to such a heartfelt confession? I've never been in this situation, with someone bearing their heart to me, I ... I don't know how to deal with it.

✧✧ ✧ ✧ ✧  

BEN

I kept tapping my foot on the floor, trying to gather the courage to finally knock. But how am I supposed to break out the news to her? Oh, hey, sorry I've been gone for a few days, I just had to deal with some stuff and by the way, I have a 9-year-old daughter I never told you about. If she was violent, Joanna would just punch me, which is the least I deserve.

Sighing, I raked a hand over my face. I can't avoid this any longer, Elle is coming to New York tomorrow. I spent almost a week making sure everything is ready for her, I signed her up for school and found a babysitter. Obviously, I avoided Joanna. I don't even know how to look at her. Selfishly, I'd have hoped to have more time to finally find the guts to tell her, but as always in my life, nothing goes my way.

Taking a deep breath, I finally knocked. I wait a few seconds, but no one came to open. I checked the time: almost 10 pm. Maybe she's out with Jeremy? I knocked again, nothing. I called her phone, but it went straight to voicemail, clear sign it was turned off.

"This doesn't sound right ..." I muttered to myself, furrowing my brows. Her phone is never off, she needs it because her grandmother used to call her at weird hours, she remained used to being always available. Unless she doesn't want to be available, that is.

I knocked a fourth time, then left my ear against the door, trying to detect any sounds. I could hear Reese and Shaw scratching the door. I'd made up my mind to just open the door by force, when finally I heard it being unlocked.

"Yes?" Joanna murmured, leaving the door ajar. I could only see the top of her head, bangs and glasses hid her eyes, a sign that she was staring at the floor, not looking at me.

"JoJo?"

"Ben ..." I would have sworn her sigh hid some signs of tears.

"Are you okay?" I pushed the door a little, to open it, but she resisted.

"Yeah, I ... I was sleeping." Now, I could clearly hear traces of tears in her voice.

"It's early."

"I was tired. I ... can we talk tomorrow?"

"No." I pushed the door open, unsure of what I would find or what hoped to find. I don't think I'd have ever been ready for the sight before my eyes. Joanna was wearing old pajamas, her hair was ruffled, her face puffy, her eyes red – the glasses just couldn't hide it.

"This is really not the time, Ben." She whined, barely able to hide the distraught tone.

Without a word, I just grabbed her hand, and pulled her into my arms, hugging her tightly. "I'm here now, you'll be ok."

She fought it a bit, claiming she was fine, but I didn't budge, and in the end, she relaxed, or rather, gave up. When she returned my hug, pretty much clinging onto me, I knew she was really hurt. 

The first breakup hits your differently, that's just how it is. It's not a matter of whether you loved them or not and how much, it's just that the first one hits you like a full iceberg colliding with your ship. I didn't even need to know what happened, I was 100% sure the tears that started wetting my shirt were for Jeremy and the relationship that died way sooner than it should have. 

I guess now it's not a good time to add more grief to her plate, is it?