After the introductions were over, Mateo talked some more about the course and what we should expect for this semester. I couldn't focus on his words.
It was torture. Having him this close, but so far away. Hearing his voice but not truly recognizing it. And watching him, because that was all I could do.
The second he'd seen me, his demeanor had changed. It might not be noticeable for anyone except me, but I was almost obsessively aware of it, trying to get a glimpse of what was going through his mind.
I wondered what he was thinking and feeling. Was he resigned to the fact that we now only should be student and professor, or was he trying to think of a way for us both to be together? Of course, I'd hoped the latter, but I was steeling myself for the former.
I wondered if his heart was hammering as fast as mine or if his hands were clammy. Did his stomach hurt, seeing me but not being able to have me in his arms?
I wondered if he had to fight to stay in control, to not give anything away to the other students, just like I was doing—though, I was doing a shitty job at that.
I briefly wondered if he'd known that I was his student, but I discarded it as soon as I thought of it. No, if he'd known, he would've told me.
However, what hurts the most was seeing how great he was at pretending we were strangers—as if we'd never even met. Some part of me could understand that he needed to act like this, but another part was afraid. That if he was this good at pretending, he couldn't possibly have cared as much about me as I cared about him.
My brain was good at overthinking. I was fantastic at imagining the worst. And as aware as I was of that, I couldn't stop—I couldn't shut my brain off. I preyed on my own insecurities and dug into them until everything was ripped open.
Time ticked slowly. Too damn slow. Every second was a minute, and every minute was an hour.
I wanted to get out of here. For just a short while, I wanted space to think and to figure out what the hell I was going to do about this.
Another dark thought entered my mind. If Mateo and I couldn't be together, what would happen with Callan, and Gideon, and me? Because they were a package deal, and I didn't want them if I couldn't have them all—It would hurt too much. They'd only remind me of Mateo, and I wouldn't be able to bear it. I didn't think the guys would want to exclude Mateo either.
Fuck. Only yesterday... It was only yesterday I'd been with them. I'd woken up in Callan's and Mateo's arms and made breakfast with Gideon.
When Mateo finally ended the class, which he did as fast as he could, I sat there for a moment in a daze. I figured I'd wait for the room to empty out so I could talk to him, but the girls got to him first.
He was surrounded by them as they asked questions about the course, the syllabus, and everything in between. Some of the questions might've been genuine, but most weren't.
It shouldn't have been a shock to me that they were basically throwing themselves at Mateo, but it was. At Callan's club, everyone had respected our relationship, but here...the girls didn't know—they couldn't know.
With heavy steps, I exited the room. Just as I walked out the door, I looked over my shoulder and made eye contact with Mateo. For a split second there, he let me see his own pain, but it was gone again when he shifted his focus back to the girl currently talking.
What a mess we'd unwittingly gotten ourselves into.
The humidity was like a wet slap in my face when I left the building, but I was grateful for the fresh air, nevertheless.
My first day of school was officially over, and it had been even worse than my overactive brain could've imagined.
On autopilot, I started walking towards my bus stop, but halfway there, I paused. Being home alone was the last thing I needed right now. I needed to talk, to vent to someone I trusted.
I could've waited for Mateo, but the longer I stood there, the more I realized I wasn't ready to meet him yet. At some point, I definitely would, but not right now.
No, instead, I picked up my phone and dialed Callan's number. He knew about both Mateo and me and our arrangement. If there was someone I could share this with, it would be him. He didn't answer, and I remembered again that he'd said he had a couple of meetings today. I briefly considered if I should call Gideon, but he and I both knew he wasn't a talker, and right now, I needed someone to talk to.
Just then, my phone rang. I answered it before checking the caller id, thinking it was Callan.
"Emma," Mateo breathed in relief. Just the sound of him made tears spring from my eyes. "I—I'm sorry, I didn't know." His voice broke, and I could hear the same pain in him that I felt.
"I didn't either," I said, wanting him to know it.
"Where are you? We need to talk."
Letting out a sigh, I nodded. "Yes, we do, but I can't right now. I just... I'm a mess, and I can't think clearly."
He went silent for a while, but then he said, "I understand." He sounded almost resigned. I swallowed down the sobs and tried to blink away the tears, but I failed. They were streaming down my face, and with a shaky hand, I dried them, only for new ones to take their place.
"We'll talk," I promised. "I'll call you tomorrow."
"And I'll be waiting."
It was only when I hung up that I realized he'd said my name and not gorgeous like he usually called me. My throat ached as I held back the sobs that wanted out. Maybe I was reading too much into it. It wasn't like he hadn't called me by my name before.
Calm the fuck down, Emma. Get a grip, I told myself. I was an anxious kind of person with anxious thought patterns, which meant that I always expected—and prepared for—the worst outcome. It was a trait I hated to have, but one that was so ingrained in me it was hard to shake off.
Indecision kept me in place as I wondered if I should wait for Callan to contact me or if I should just go to him.
Fuck it. I was going to him. I needed to talk to someone, and he was one of the few who would not only understand mine and Mateo's situation, but maybe he'd help me sort out my thoughts enough for me to think clearly.
Searching on my phone, I found out which transport would get me to Desire's Den the fastest, and with determined steps, I walked at a brisk pace to the Subway station.
I was single-minded as I swiped the MetroCard at the turnstile and found the right platform.
Of course, the train I was supposed to go on had closed its doors and were slowly gaining speed, driving away from me. Just my fucking luck. Five minutes waiting wasn't that bad if it wasn't for the fact that I didn't do well with being left alone with my thoughts.
When I finally stood outside DD, I came by a problem: I wasn't dressed by the dress code. I had another 'fuck it' moment as I stepped towards the bouncers. Luckily, by some miracle, they recognized me as a member and let me in. Now, I only had to deal with Jennifer, aka the bitch currently staring at me.
"You can't go in dressed like that," she sneered.
God. I did not have patience for this right now, and for once, I didn't pull back.
"That's exactly what I'm going to do. If you have a problem with it, you can take it up with my dominants. I'm sure you know one of them? Your boss."
She let out a shocked gasp, and I nearly smiled smugly at her, but I didn't because I was already moving down the stairs.
Not taking a second to admire the photos in the hallway, I knocked on the door that led to the dungeon. Someone opened up, and I stepped through before hurrying across the floor. The sensual music, sounds of whips thundering through the air, and people talking went unnoticed by me. All I could think about was getting to Callan.
And shit...I slowed down as I got to the stairs that would lead me to Callan's office, seeing the man guarding it. But then I figured, if I couldn't talk him into letting me up, I could possibly have him get Callan down to me.
"Hi, I'm Mr. Cross's submissive. I need to see him," I explained when I got to the man.
"Name?"
"Emma Fields." He tapped on a tablet he was holding; it was probably the VIP list, but I knew it would be of no use. "I won't be on the lis—"
"Go on up," he said, cutting me off as he stepped aside.
Puzzled, I started up the steps but paused. "Where is Call—I mean, where is Mr. Cross's office?"
His eyes narrowed. "I thought you said you were his submissive?"
"Oh, yeah, I am. I just haven't been at his office yet." If he wouldn't tell me, I would just have to find it myself.
"Take the first left down the hallway. His office is at the very end," he informed me rather gruffly.
Following his instructions, I found Callan's door slightly ajar and was just about to knock when I heard someone shout.
"What the hell do you mean you knew about it?" Mateo's voice was unmistakable. The apparent anger in his tone sent shivers down my spine.
Okay guys, I've been sooo curious about this, but I've somehow forgotten to ask you. How did you find my book?
I hope you all have a fantastic weekend! Take care and stay safe xx