BRITNEY/BRITTANY
•••••
"All right, who can tell me who Christopher Cross is?" Mr. Schue asked during the first Glee meeting of the week.
"He discovered America." Brittany commented.
"Close." Mr. Schue said, as he picked up some sheet music, before distributing the sheets to his students. "He did write an iconic chart topper: "Sailing.""
"I have a bad feeling about this lesson." Kurt let out a sigh.
"Never heard of him, don't want to hear about him." Tina muttered in uttered agreement.
"Now some people think of the term "Easy Listening" as a bad thing. But I'm going to let this music speak for itself. You guys love Lady Gaga and the Rolling Stones... and you guys are really good about putting it all out there. But really good music can also be controlled, and restrained. It doesn't have to attack an audience, it can let them come to you." Mr. Schue said, as he gave Lexi her sheet of music, causing her to frown slightly. She noticed that not even Rachel was a tad bit interested.
"How could you get caught between the moon and New York City?" Finn asked, confused, as he scanned the song that their teacher had chosen. "They're like a hundred miles apart."
"Mr. Shue? If I may." Kurt asked, raising his hand. "I think I speak for all of us when I say it's not that we don't love the idea of spending a week on this silky smooth Adult Contemporary, it's just that, as teens,
this isn't the easiest music for us to relate to." He paused, before continuing. "However, there is a burgeoning Facebook campaign that has swelled to over five members. The ardent demand: That this week, at the fall homecoming assembly, the McKinley High School Glee Club performs a number by... - Wait for it - Ms. Britney Spears."
"Yo, Spears is fierce, yo." Artie agreed.
"Sorry, Kurt. Sorry." Mr. Schue said, as everyone turned their attention to him. "No, no, no. I don't think she's a very good role model."
"But, Mr. Shue, we kind of grew with her." Rachel pointed out.
"She's literally why I wanted to become a performer." Tina added.
"I don't want to do Britney." Brittany shook her head.
"Why no Britney, Brittany?" Kurt asked with a frown.
"Because my name is also Brittany Spears." Brittany answered.
"What?!" Lexi asked, trying to piece the puzzle together.
"What the hell is she talking about?" Mercedes asked rhetorically.
"My middle name is Susan, my last name is Pierce. That makes me Brittany S. Pierce. "Brittany Spierce."" Brittany explained. "I've lived my entire life in Britney Spear's shadow. I will never be as talented or as famous. I hope you'll all respect that I want Glee Club to remain a place where I, Brittany S. Pierce, can escape the torment of Britney Spears."
"Well, there you have it, guys." Mr. Schue said, pointing at Brittany while he spoke. "It's been decided. No Britney. Sorry."
"Thanks, Britt. Thanks a lot." Kurt rolled his eyes.
"Leave Brittany alone." Santana defended the innocent blonde rather quickly. It happened on a regular basis.
"Thank you for understanding. It's been a hard road." Brittany whispered at Santana who only nodded, and sent her an sympathetic look.
"Um, can we move on?" Rachel asked, determined to get the meeting back on track.
"Yes. Let's talk about Michael Bolton." Mr. Schue agreed, continuing with the lesson.
-----
During Glee the next day, Mr. Schue introduced Dr. Carl Howell, a dentist. The group listened as he spoke about the importance of hygiene and so forth. Lexi would admit she kind of zoned out and didn't catch the entirety of the conversation.
"All right, so here's the deal. You chew this little capsule." Carl said, as he handed the packages of capsules to the group. "Now if there's any plaque you missed, the dye will stick to it and turn your teeth blue."
"Can I just say that you are the hottest dentist I've ever seen?" Santana spoke up confidently, as the dentist smirked in return.
"Wanky." Lexi commented, earning a proud grin from Santana.
"I get that all the time." He said.
"No, like, seriously." Santana shook her head. "You can totally drill me whenever..."
"Santana." Ms. Pillsbury interjected, rather awkwardly as Lexi bit her lip to prevent herself from laughing. "Okay, let's stay focused."
"Rock n' roll, Ems." Carl agreed before he moved to stand beside Mr. Schue, gesturing toward him as he spoke. "And besides, this guy... now this guy's pretty easy on the eyes too, huh? And you know what? No matter how hard I tried, I bet I couldn't sing and dance like him."
"Uh, probably not." Mr. Schue answered, as Lexi and Quinn both frowned.
"All right, let's take a look at those chompers, huh?" Carl asked, redirecting his attention to the students.
"Before we chew I would just like to alert Mr. Shue that there's been a new addition to the Britney Spears Facebook campaign." Kurt attempted to make a point as Mr. Schue shook his head.
"Sorry. The answer's still no." Mr. Schue replied. "Capsules, guys."
"Yes, chew away. Chew, chew." Ms. Pillsbury smiled.
Lexi chewed the capsule, ignoring the distinct taste. She held up a mirror she had borrowed from Santana, and smiled when she saw nothing on her teeth. As she was giving the mirror back to Santana, Finn's voice interrupted her movement.
"Oh, my God!" Finn explained, as he looked at Rachel.
"What?" Rachel asked, humiliated as she reached for her mirror. She gasped at her very blue teeth. "Aw! I don't understand. I floss between classes." She said in a state of paranoia.
"Well, sometimes it's genetics." Carl assured her.
"I think I might be better at brushing and flossing if I could see myself in the mirror." Artie commented.
"I don't brush my teeth. I rinse my mouth out with soda after I eat. I was pretty sure Dr. Pepperwas a dentist." Brittany said, as Lexi looked at the blonde with a frown.
"Oh Britt." Lexi sighed, knowing that the blonde could sometimes be misled, and have some misunderstandings.
"I got this, Em." Carl said. "With some deep bleaching or scaling, you'll be as good as new." He said, before leaning down towards Brittany. "All right, open up."
Brittany followed as she was told, and made a face when he laughed at her.
"Nah, close." He said, as him and Ms. Pillsbury laughed. "Close again."
------
Mr. Schue had tried yet again to get the group interested in another singer-that wasn't Britney Spears. Lexi didn't bother listening. Instead, she directed her attention to Santana and Brittany who were discussing Britt's visit to the dentist.
"...making Christopher Cross a Golden Globe, Oscar, and five-time Grammy Award winner." Mr. Schue finished, as he turned to see Brittany raising her hand. "Brittany."
"I would just like to say that from now on, I demand to have every solo in Glee Club." Brittany said as everyone turned to look at her.
"What?" Rachel asked, horrified.
"When I had my teeth cleaned, I had the most amazing Britney Spears fantasy. I sang and danced betterthan her. Now I realize what a powerful woman I truly am." Brittany explained.
"I went with her, and I had a Britney fantasy, too. Although now that I'm thinking about it, I'm not really sure how our fantasies combined. That doesn't make any sense." Santana added.
"See, Mr. Shue? I told you. Britney Spears busted our Brit out of her everyday, fragmented haze of confusion and gave her the confidence to step up and perform." Kurt pointed out, as everyone turned their attention to him instead.
"I'm more talented than all of you. I see that clearly now." Brittany smiled softly. "It's Brittany, bitch."
"Guys, we're not doing Britney Spears, and that's that." Mr. Schue protested, as Lexi rolled her eyes.
"Mr. Shue, you're letting your own personal issues get in the way of something that we are all telling youwe really want to do. I mean, this club regularly pays tribute to pop culture, and Britney Spears is pop culture!" Kurt exclaimed, still attempting to get Mr. Schue to cave in to the idea. "To suggest otherwise
is heretical!"
"Kurt, I'm done talking about this!"
"Geez! Let loose a little, would you?!" Kurt asked annoyed, as Lexi figured he'd crossed a line. "Stop being so frickin' uptight all the time!"
"Kurt...I'll see you in the Principal's office." Mr. Schue said.
------
Lexi lay in the dentist chair as Carl walked up to her.
"Lexi, judging by your x-rays, we don't need to put you under anesthetics." He said, examining the x-rays. Indeed, she had perfect teeth.
"You know...I know Santana was in here a few days earlier...and she had a fantastic Britney Spears fantasy." Lexi began, pausing as she watched the dentist racking his brain for ideas.
"I can do some very strong bleaching, just like I did with her." He said, as she smirked, putting her earbuds in.
"Good, because I have a circus to get to." She said quietly, as the anesthesia kicked in. She found herself in a literal Britney Spears fantasy, except this time, she was the one singing one of her favorite Britney songs, Circus.
There's only two types of people in the world:
The ones that entertain, and the ones that observe
Well, baby, I'm a put on-a-show kind of girl
Don't like the back seat, gotta be first
I'm like the ringleader, I call the shots
(Call the shots)
I'm like a firecracker I make it hot
When I put on a show
I feel the adrenaline moving through my veins
Spotlight on me and I'm ready to break
I'm like a performer, the dance floor is my stage
Better be ready, hope that you feel the same
All eyes on me in the center of the ring just like a circus
When I crack that whip everybody gon' trip just like a circus
Don't stand there watching me, follow me, show me what you can do
Everybody let go, we can make a dance floor just like a circus
There's only two types of guys out there
Ones that can hang with me and ones that are scared
So, baby, I hope that you came prepared
I run a tight ship so beware
I'm like the ring leader, I call the shots
(Call the shots)
I'm like a firecracker I make it hot
When I put on a show
I feel the adrenaline moving through my veins
Spotlight on me and I'm ready to break
I'm like a performer, the dance floor is my stage
Better be ready, hope that you feel the same
All eyes on me in the center of the ring just like a circus
When I crack that whip everybody gon' trip just like a circus
Don't stand there watching me, follow me, show me what you can do
Everybody let go, we can make a dance floor just like a circus
Let's go
Let me see what you can do
I'm runnin' this like-like-like a circus
Yeah, like a what? Like-like-like a circus
All eyes on me in the center of the ring just like a circus
When I crack that whipv everybody gon' trip just like a circus
Don't stand there watching me, follow me, show me what you can do
Everybody let go, we can make a dance floor just like a circus
All eyes on me in the center of the ring just like a circus
When I crack that whip everybody gon' trip just like a circus
Don't stand there watching me, follow me, show me what you can do
Everybody let go, we can make a dance floor just like a circus
"Lexi...wake up."
Lexi shook her head, as she woke up, letting herself adjust to the bright light above her.
"I just had a wicked Britney Spears fantasy. I really did attend the circus." She commented drowsily.
-----
Lexi had begun to wear a blazer over her Cheerios uniform. If she was being honest, the Britney Spears fantasy had given her the confidence to do so.
"Wow Torres." Santana whistled, as Lexi snickered. "New look?"
"Britney Spears inspired me. What can I say?" Lexi shrugged. "I feel hella...oh my god." She trailed off as Rachel walked into class dressed like Britney Spears. She wore a white tied up shirt, short skirt, and a black cardigans. Two braids completed the look.
"She's trying to prove something." Santana whispered.
"A fashion statement." Lexi muttered.
"Well, Rachel, congratulations. Normally, you dress like the fantasy of a perverted Japanese businessmanwith a very dark, specific fetish, but I actually dig this look." Santana commented. "Yay." She clapped her hands rather mockingly. Lexi snickered again under her breath.
"Thank you." Rachel smiled, ignoring the rude insult.
"I think what Santana is trying to say, Rachel, though I risk expulsion by saying so, is that it seems Britney Spears has really helped you blossom. That's all." Kurt reiterated, sending Mr. Schue a pointed look.
"Wait. Rachel, is that true?" Mr. Schue asked. "I mean, you are sort of dressing differently."
Finn went on to interrupt Artie's rude and sexist comments, while Lexi also commented on how horrible he was being regarding the current situation.
"Look, all I know is that I had a very vivid Britney Spears fantasy at the dentist, and since then, it's made me feel free to get out of my own way. I think I've just always been afraid to dress like a pretty girl because I've never really felt like one before. Now I realize it's okay to feel that way about yourself every now and again. And maybe it's a good thing." Rachel exclaimed.
"It's such a good thing." Brittany shook her head in agreement.
Before Mr. Schue could say or do anything, Coach Sylvester stuck her head in the room. She looked rather displeased. "William, a word."
-----
"I was pretty sure Artie's legs don't work." Brittany commented rather confused as Artie and Finn told the group about joining the football team. "Did you get a leg transplant?"
"Nope. My teammates can push my chair like a battering ram." Artie answered with a smile. "Yeah, there's no rules against it. We checked. "And I have Britney Spears to thank."
"You're welcome." Brittany smiled, as Lexi chuckled.
"Britney plus nitrous gave me an amazing idea, and it gave me the nerve to tell Coach Beiste that Finn and I both really want to be on the team."
"Wait. You're back on the football team?" Santana asked, with a slight smirk.
"Yeah."
"Suddenly, you're way hotter to me. Weird." Santana said aloud, as she sent Artie a smirk.
"Wait. I don't get it. How come everyone's having Britney Spears fantasies?" Tina asked confused.
"The nitrous oxide dentists use is a mild hallucinogen. Studies have proven that it induces vivid dreams,
often the last thing the patient thinks of. The subconscious moves to the forefront. Since we've all been thinking so much about Britney, it only stands to reason." Lexi spoke up, as everyone turned to look at her. They all had to admit that she was the most intelligent of the group, and was always willing to help any of them out with homework.
"Okay, guys, listen up." Mr. Schue announced, as he entered the room.
"Mr. Shue, if I may?" Kurt raised his hand, asking for permission to speak, but Mr. Schue interjected.
"Kurt, I overheard what you guys were just talking about, and I know what you're going to say. The answer is no. No, I'm not going to stand in the way anymore. If you guys want to do Britney at this year's homecoming assembly, I'm fine with it." He said, as the group clapped and cheered at the prospect of their performance.
I know. Oh..." Mr. Schue smiled. "And more than that, I am going to perform with you."
"Oh god." Lexi mumbled, as her and Santana exchanged looks. "No. Just no."
"I second that Lex." Quinn agreed.
"It's disgusting." Satnana muttered in agreement.
"Britney Spears is not disgusting." Brittany scoffed, as Santana shook her head amused.
------
The New Directions performance at the homecoming assembly had gone awry. In Lexi's blunt opinion, if it weren't for Mr. Schue joining in, their performance might've had a little more potential and positive effect on the school. However, their performance had caused a sex riot amongst the students in the stands, and she suspected Sue turned on the fire alarm. It was a little catastrophic...and sure Britney is "sexy" but she didn't expect the current result. And yeah, she knew teenagers these days had different ways of coping and controlling with their urges, more appropriately than what was displayed today, right?
———-
Lexi sighed as she left the gym, and was quick to change back into her Cheerios uniform. She didn't have practice, but she decided she'd rather blend into the crowd after the whole debacle earlier. So that's what she did. She sat reading at a table in the courtyard when someone coughed quietly to get her attention.
Lexi looked up to see Sam smiling down at her. Seeing him, especially after the whole fiasco, caused her to smile.
"Hey you." She greeted him, as she tried to shade her face from the sun, so she could see him properly.
"Hey, mind if I sit?" Sam asked, gesturing to the bench across from her.
"I'd say it's a free country, but we've had our issues...anyways, go ahead." Lexi smiled again, as he sat down across from her. "What's up?"
"Just coming to check in on you after that whole school assembly." Sam explained, as Lexi chuckled.
"That was quite something, huh?" Lexi asked, as he nodded, also chuckinging along with her.
"It was...but on a positive note, you were awesome." Sam complemented, as she blushed, looking down at her book, before she mustered the courage to look up at him again.
"Thanks." Lexi smiled shyly, well aware that her cheeks were flushed a tinted pink. Sam noticed this too, but decided to leave it.
"I also wondered if you'd be willing to help me with my chemistry homework for the rest of the school year" He asked shyly, as Lexi nodded. "I've been struggling, and I didn't really know who to go to. You were my best option. You can totally say no."
"Of course. I'd be happy to help you." Lexi smiled. "Anything you need, I'm right here."
"Thanks Lex." Sam smiled.
"No problem." Lexie said, as she offered him a box of cookies she had. He gladly took one.
"So...I heard that Coach Bieste gave you the quarterback position?" She asked, as his face lit up when she mentioned football.
"Yeah! It's awesome. I'm happy about it." Sam answered, with a proud smile.
"That's great. Congrats." She said, as he nodded in response. "Guess that explains why you didn't show up for Glee club auditions a few weeks ago." She said tentatively.
"I'm sorry about that. I truly am, Lex." Sam paused, to see her reaction, and it broke his heart to see her sad expression. "Believe me, I wanted to, I really, really did. You guys are awesome, but the way that every jock on the football team was talking about glee club, and seeing that I am the new guy...and I just got assigned quarterback position, I didn't want to cut or sik my chances of being respected at this school." He confessed, rather sheepishly.
"I understand Sam, I do." Lexi nodded, after a few moments of silence. She was quite upset about him not choosing to audition, but he didn't deserve her whole rant or life talk on labels. "I know how it feels to want to be accepted, and not only that, but respected...I was there last year when I joined the Cheerios, and Glee Club. I want to stress however, that it isn't about labels. That isn't even remotely important. You just have to simply be yourself, and do what you love. Ignore what the others say." She explained, before getting up.
"I do have to go now...my mom's expecting me home for a movie night in an hour and half." Lexi sighed, as she strapped her rucksack over her shoulder, while she glanced at the time on her phone.
"Are you sure you're okay about the whole audition thing? You don't seem okay." Sam asked, genuinely concerned. He sensed she was upset.
"Believe me, I'm fine." Lexi answered. "Now, do you need help studying today at all? I'd have an hour to help you out, before I'd need to go home."
"Yeah, that'd be great." Sam nodded, as he stood up.
"Then why don't we go study in the library?" Lexi suggested, as Sam nodded, following her to the library so they could study together.
------
"All right." Mr. Schue said during their final meeting that week. He paused when he noticed Rachel with her hand raised. "Rachel?"
"I have a song that I've prepared for the class." She said.
"Sorry, Rachel, no Britney." Mr. Schue shook his head and continued talking. "I'm really happy that her music has inspired so many of you, even if that inspiration was brought about by a dangerous narcotic. And I think we've all come to appreciate her music and celebrity so much more this week. But honestly, she's just not us."
"I'm devastated. I can't believe we only did one Britney number." Kurt whispered to Lexi who shrugged.
"I was actually gonna do something from our original assignment last week: Adult Contemporary. But this is just a little bit more Young Adult." Rachel explained.
"Oh. Great, Rachel. Well, let's hear it." Mr. Schue smiled, letting her have the floor.
"I'd like to dedicate this song to my boyfriend, Finn. I was wrong. I shouldn't try to control you. I've just... I've never been this happy before. And I realize that I was trying to hold onto how you were making me feel so much, that I was strangling you in my hands, like a little bird. I get now, that in order for this relationship to work, I have to open up my hands and let you fly free." Rachel said, as she looked at Finn.
"Finn can fly?" Brittany asked rhetorically.
"Really?" Wait, I thought I was the only one getting the solos from now on. Next week, I'm going to beperforming a musical number by Ke$ha." Brittany explained, only to be shushed by Kurt as the music began.
{THE ONLY EXCEPTION-SUNG BY RACHEL BERRY}