[Double Update, Loves!]
"Saiki?" you say softly.
"Hm?"
"Thank you for alway being there," you tell him as you gently pull back and look at him with a bright smile.
"I promised I would be," he tells you with a soft smile. You lean in and so does he but just like every other, it gets interrupted but this time by your father who opens the door and yells your name.
Out of reaction, you push Saiki away and look at your father. You and Saiki both looked at him. Saiki could hear his thoughts and all of them was just saying how he wants him gone and away from you. How you should stay away from Saiki.
"Dad--"
"Get in the house," your father tells you angrily.
"Dad, please, He's---"
"NOW," Your father yells and you have never seen or heard him raise his voice since the hospital when you cut your wrist.
"Yes, dad," you answer as you take off Saiki's jacket off your shoulder and hand it to him. You mouth a 'I'm sorry'. You give him his jacket back and then you head back inside the house with your head down.
Your father looks at Saiki, "You stay away from my daughter!" he yells and then walks back inside the house. Your father shuts the door harshly.
Saiki sighs and can really see how much of an asshole your father is. From the phone calls to the say he's around you. Saiki even wondered.
Is your father the reason for you wanting to take your own life away when you were just a kid?
Saiki walks down the neighbourhood while thinking about it until someone caught his attention, "Hey! Pinky!" Saiki looks to the owner of the voice to see Julie leaning next to her front door. When Saiki made eye contact, she smiles, "Aren't you suppose to be out on a school trip in Okinawa?" Julie ask as she steps out of her house and walks towards Saiki.
Saiki doesn't say anything but looks at the direction to were you live. Julie looks as well and she knew then that he went to see you, "We've met before. Saiki, was it?" Julie reminds him.
"Yes. Miss Mori," Saiki says politely.
"I don't remember giving you my name," Julie says as she crosses her arms.
"(Name) talks about you," Saiki mentions which made Julie smiles.
"My little girl saw you from her bedroom window. Can I assume you met her father?" Julie ask. Saiki nods his head, "Bet he told you to stay away from her," Julie says which made Saiki wonder how she knew.
Julie smiles when she notice the look on his face, "He said the same thing to Alex. The last guy that liked her. Question is, are you?" Julie ask and Saiki smile.
"No, ma'am. I don't think she will either," Saiki says and that made Julie smile.
"I like you kid," Julie says with a chuckle, "I don't know how you were able to get here from Okinawa and frankly I don't care. But, piece of advice, when you want to see her, send her a text or give her a call first. It's better if her father doesn't find out that you're seeing her, wether you're dating her or not," Julie tells him as she returns back to her home.
Saiki continues on his walk until he's out of sight and he teleports back to the Okinawa.
.
.
.
"Dad, it's not what you think!" you tell him once he shut the door.
"Not what I think? You were hugging that boy!" your father reminds you.
"When has hugging someone a crime?" you wonder.
"When they have other intention than just being friends," your father says which made you look the other way.
"And what's wrong with that?" you ask.
"What?"
You look at your father in the eyes, "What's wrong with that?" you ask him once again but sounding more stern.
"(Name), you're sick! You can't even have kids let alone do stuff other people can do!" he says coldly which made you bite your lip, "I... I have been to easy with you," he says which made you look at him wondering what he means, "(Name), your illness since you had when you were just a baby, the heart problem you have now... All of it. It's taking away what ever future you were suppose to once have. The illness is affective, you only had about your forties, maybe even your fifties to live but with the heart problem and all the sweets you eat along with you over working yourself is taking away the years you get to live," he says which made you clench your fist as you know that. "Now with the heart problems, you have up until what? Thirty if you're lucky?" he ask
"I get it!" you yell, "I'm sick. I didn't ask to be sick! I didn't get a choice! I was just unlucky and hated by God. I'm sick and there's no cure in the world that could heal me. Fix me," you start to calm yourself down, "And I have come to terms with it," you say with a soft tone, "I've accepted it. I don't have that many years to live. I'm sixteen. I have about another ten years to live a nice life? Maybe less or more. But put yourself in my situation, dad.... I don't want to spend what little life I have locked up at home. Depressed. Away from others just because I can't do what they can," you tell him which made his expression change.
He was angry and now he looks sad. Broken... Scared.
"I have about ten years to live but I have little years before I'm paralyzed to the point that even a fly can hurt me. Little years before a get locked up in a hospital because of frequent attacks so that leaves me with what? Five to six years? Maybe less to be just like how I am right now," you say as you can feel the tears in your eyes, "I know I don't have a future," the tears start to show, "I know I don't have any sort of future..."
Your father just stands there and watched you look at him with tears in your eyes as you sound like someone who's broken, "I'm just a deadman-- Well, dead-woman walking," you tell him with a chuckle as you raise your hand and wipe your tears but you continue.
"I know I'm loosing my abilities to do things. I mean, I use to be able to carry kids. Pick them up and twirl them around and now I can't. That wasn't suppose to happen until next year but looks like death is coming a little earlier so instead of ten years, I might have eight or less. Who knows..." the tears wouldn't stop.
"I know I'm not suppose to like anyone or even fall in love. Or even have them like me or fall in love with me because I would be a burden and I will die young. But like every man, they have needs that I won't be able to give. I can't even give much affection. A simple makeup section can be a little too much for me. Sex would defiantly kill me and if it doesn't, a kid would. Periods hurt more than it should and I need to take so much medication to ease down the pain. I can't do anything. I don't have a future so tell me dad, why am I studying so hard to be the top student at my school? Why am I even going to school? Why am I not enjoying what little live I have? Why aren't you home with me to spend time with me as I don't have that many years? I'm not even going to get married so you won't walk me down the aisle. Why do I need to have the perfect body for a husband I'll never have? Why do anything at all for a future that will be taken from me?" you ask him which your father didn't know how to respond.
"I grew up without love in this home. All I had was a nanny who took care of when I was a baby until I told my daddy that I could take care of my myself. My daddy said okay and I was left all alone in this house. I was alone and scared. The only people in and out of this house was my tutors as I wasn't allowed to go to school. I went to the hospital for my appointments alone. The neighbours talked. I didn't have mother. I didn't even know who my mother is or how she looks like because there's no photos of her anywhere in the house. There's no pictures of me either. The times you came home were so sort and I did my best to spend time with you because you're the only family I have. You're my father! You're suppose to be there for me! Not go away and leave me alone!" you yell with tears in your eyes.
They wouldn't stop. Your chest hurts and so does your throat. Your head even hurts. Everywhere hurts.
"I knew what was going with me and I knew that I didn't have any future! Do you know how scary that is for a six year old? I had so many dreams and they were all crushed. I couldn't see the point of life anymore so I tired taking it away but nothing I ever did was enough! I tried so many times... But I would never die!" you yell which felt like needles in your throat. Your father didn't know what to say or respond. He has never seen you like this or heard any of this.
You're usually smiling and saying you're okay. You never admit to any pain you're feeling and you alway have new stories to tell.
You're his smiling little girl but now you're nothing but broken. A girl who has tried keeping the broken mask together but the mask you wore wasn't the only thing that was broken that you tried to hold together.
"But Alex showed up and showed me there was more to life," you tell him, "I was able to convince you to let me go to school which was so new but an amazing experience. I was angry that you didn't let me experience this. But then I found out kids could be mean. I was called the girl that's parentless because I didn't know who my mother is and I didn't have a father who was home. You would never show up to any of my school events. You would never come and see me. I would study hard. Get perfect scores because I just wanted to make you proud and get you to come home," you tell him and it felt like you were starting to get things off your chest but at what prize?
You're hurting yourself by doing so because your body hurts. You're yelling too much. You're crying.
"I wanted my father's love but nothing I ever did was good enough!" you have never cried this much before, "I was waisting my time because Alex, that guy you told to stay away from me, he got himself a girlfriend and I was felt heart broken. I cried and you weren't there for me. I asked myself over and over, what's the point of doing anything if I'm just bound to die in a few years. I mean, the kids at school are mean to me. Nothing I do impresses my own dad. I get no love at home. I'm alone..." you cry wiping your tears but they wouldn't stop.
Your father looks at you with pain in his eyes when he sees how much you're crying and screaming. He never knew you felt this way. You're always smiling. You're suppose to be his smiling little girl but instead you look like you're in so much pain.
"I've tried multiple times to take my own life and tried to see the bright things in life at the same time. I put on a smile because I don't want to be a burden nor a helpless child because I know what's wrong with me. I don't I can never be fixed. I'm desperate for attention and for love but I'm not going to seek it out. I'm going to lock it up inside of me. I've tried multiple times to take my own life but never succeeded. Everyday in my life I have tired and I never could. Do you know how frustrating that is!? Do you know how many times I had to tell myself that there is alway tomorrow? I just wanted to die! I just wanted the pain to end!" you yell in pain.
"I cut myself!" you yell as you show him your wrist, "I tried taking my own life. I was saved and stayed at the hospital. Clearly it was a cry for help! A FUCKING CRY FOR HELP! And all you did was lecture me? Tell me to not do it again? That it caused you trouble?! You lectured me when you're supposed to comfort me! You're my dad... You're the only family I have... You're suppose to stay home with me and make sure I'm okay. Watch me grow... But you left me all alone! Do you know how is it? Do you know what it feel like? I want to die! Why can't I die! I tried hanging myself! I tried burnin myself! I tried burning the house down with me in it! I tried taking poison! I tried overdosing on my medications! I tried jumping off building! I tried stabbing myself! I tried so much but never once could I take my own life! Why? WHY?!" you ask which yelling.
"I don't have any sort of future! I just want to be happy! I want to find my own happiness. My own joy in life! I haven't done anything to anyone! I haven't hurt anyone but myself! I deserve to be happy with the little years left I have to live! Why am I not allowed to love or feel loved, huh?! WHY?!" you ask him as you grabs your shirt tightly.
"(Name)..." your father says as he doesn't know what to say.
"Why...?" you sound so broken but your vision started to get hazy. Next thing you knew, you felt a hard hit on your head and your father yelling out your name. Then everything just went dark...
.
.
.
When you opened your eyes, you could see the some light which made you close them back, "(Name)! Oh god!" you recognized that voice. You look to your side to see Julie sitting down on a chair while holding your hand, "I thought I lost you," she says which confused you.
"Lose me? Please, I'm a bad bitch. The only way I'll ever go is with class and a little bit of sass," you tell her which made her laugh, even though you had no idea what's going on.
"That's right. You're a bad bitch," Julie says with a smile as she wipes her tears. You chuckle but then groan in pain.
"Am I in the hospital?" you ask as you look at the ceiling.
"Yeah, how did you know?" Julie ask as she stands up and gently touches your forehead to your hair.
You look at her with a gentle smile, "I've been here many times to the point that I know how the hospital smells. I can feel the needles in my hand and arm. I can feel that thing on my finger. I know how the bed here feels like. Plus... I can hear the machines that tell my heart rate or virals or whatever," you tell her with a chuckle.
Julie smile and giggle but then she looks at you with this motherly love and look, "Do you remember what happened? How you got here?" Julie ask you softly.
You think back and that's when everything came back, "Yeah... I got into a fight with--- Where my father?" you ask her and that when Julie looks the other way.
"He brought you to the hospital. I was then called, told what happened and rushed to the hospital. Your father was here, sitting in the lobby. He was in this state of panic. I asked him what happened but he didn't say thing. I then talked to a nurse who told me you were brought to the hospital while shaking as if you were having a heart attack of something. This was very severe. You had to even go through surgery (Name)..." she says but she wasn't answering your question.
"Where is he?" you ask with a painful look.
"He was here two days ago," she answers.
"Two days ago?" you ask.
"You were asleep for three days, (Name). You Once out of surgery, you were here. I stayed by your side ever since I was giving the permission to be in the room with you but your father was outside of the room, watching you. He couldn't even step in and hold your hand. He left and I haven't seen him since then," she tells you which made you let out a weak laugh with tears in your eyes.
"Of course..." you weren't even surprised at this point.
"Hey, no, come on," Julie says softly as she wipes your tears. You look at her, "You're suppose to be a bad bitch, right?" she ask which made you chuckle, "You're allowed to cry but never cry for the same thing more than once. You've shed enough tears for him, (Name)," Julie says which made you cry even more. You didn't want to but you couldn't help it.
"He's my dad, Julie..." you tell her and she nods with a gentle smile.
"I know... I know," she says softly.
"It hurts so much Julie. It hurts," you cry even more and that made Julie tear up. She wipes your tears and pecks your forehead.
"I know. Some dads can be like that," Julie says as she has her fair experiences, "You're not alone," Julie reminds you, "I'm here for you," she says with a soft smile. "Rest, I'm going to get a doctor to check up on you," she says as she was about to leave but you hold her hand.
"Please don't leave me alone," you ask of her and Julie nods. She sits back down and keeps hold of your hand.
"A nurse is bound to walk in to do a check up anyway," she says which made you giggle.
"Stella?" you ask.
"With Felix. He has been taking care of her for me while I as here, waiting for you to wake up. She has been asking about you," Julie tells you, "Oh, and that guy you like has been visiting as well. Your classmates too," she says which confuses you.
She gets up and gently lets go of your hand. She helps put the bed into a sitting position and once you were sitting. When you sat and looked around the room, you see a lot of flowers and get well cards.
"They're from my classmates?" you ask and Julie nods.
"Yeah, you made some really amazing friends. They were all worried about you," Julie tells you with a smile.
You couldn't help but tear up. You have been in a hospital bed so many times that you know how a room smells like. It has alway been plain and simple. This is the first time you have ever seen a room filled up by so many flowers and get well cards.
You and Julie start talking until a nurse shows up. She checks your virals and calls in a doctor. You seem to be doing a lot better and got the usual lecture which is to be careful and take better care of yourself as your health is important.
Julie called Felix to tell him that you're awake and okay. He comes to the hospital with Stella who's very happy to see you. She sits on the bed with you and tell you everything that has happened to her and you tell her fun stories back. Felix even ask you if you're okay.
You told him you were and to your surprise, he doesn't even lecture you, just tells you that he's glad he is as he did worry about you. He told you that you and him may not be so close but that if you ever want someone to talk to or some company, Julie is just a few houses away and he's a phone call away if needed.
He pats your head and tells you how you're strong and brave for going through what you do. You thank him. All four of you talk and laugh together.
This felt nice...
You wished you had a normal family.
You wished you never had this illness or sickness. You wished you had a mother to hug and a father that comes home. You wished for something that everyone should have, love. You just wanted a family filled with love and joy.
You don't want to be alone but it doesn't matter what you do or how many people are surrounding you or how many people you know or are in a room with you... It doesn't matter because you still feel alone. You feel empty.
You're just scared.
You have cried about the fact that you're you. And crying because you're just who you are is one of the most painful things in this world because what did you have to do to deserve that?
The world, society, God or whatever, they've made rules that makes everyday harder and harder to live but it's not them to blame but the people who have created these set of rules. It's the people.
But what you don't understand is why take the lives of those who have never once asked for it instead of those who are begging for it. Who are trying so desperately to kill themselves. Why is suicide a sin anyway? It is that bad that those who wants to die, wants to die? And those who doesn't gets to die? Where the logic?
It's just unfair...