CHAPTER 3: PHANTOM PAIN
ENYO'S POV
I stepped out of the water after of being there for almost half an hour. I needed it. I needed to feel clean after everything that happened.
It's not like I want to feel clean from the thing that tainted me. No. I don't feel the want. I don't feel anything. It was a routine that I taught myself to do. To bring some sense of normality in me. An act of remorse even if I'm not... remorseful.
I don't know what happened to me. I just became like this. I guess in a way it's easier. Lalo na at ako ang kumuha ng responsibilidad na ito.
BHO CAMP fight for justice. We side with what's right. Hindi man legal lahat ng mga ginagawa namin at ang mga desisyon na sinusunod namin, we always choose what's right. Sometimes in a mission it's inevitable to kill. We do it to protect ourselves or the one we're saving. Heaven knows that if given the chance, they won't have second thoughts in killing us.
But we never intentionally kill. It should always be justified.
What happened to Storm is still fresh for everyone. It is because it's still new. What happened to her changed BHO CAMP. We still do what we vow to do; protect those who need our protection. We still risk our lives for our clients and we still dip our toes to balance dark and light.
And there's us. Enders.
It's a new department in BHO CAMP. A secret one. A secret department in a secret organization. Alam kong may ilan na naabot ng mga haka-haka tungkol sa departamento na ito. It's a rumor that the agents don't want to entertain. It's a myth for them. But some of us knows the existence of the Ender.
I volunteered for it when I found out that Dawn and Triton wanted to ask my sister to be part of it. Kailangan lang ng isa sa bawat departamento. One from CAMP Division and one from BHO.
We were not named, we don't speak about it, and there's no documents gathered about our missions. Because Ender is the darkness of the organization. We were given missions directly to do one thing and that is to kill.
It's not some assassin bullshit. We don't kill just for the fun. We just end what needs to be closed. We end those that swam too much in the dark. Like Morrison.
Eris proved herself useful. The two of us is chaos together. The twin disaster. Kada magkakasama kami sa mission, it's always messy, impulsive, and destructive. I know all about infiltration. I like thinking about the mission as if it's a puzzle. I enjoyed being the predator even before... I became like this. Eris on the other hand knows a lot about destroying things. She's a genius when it comes to bombs.
But I know her. Her heart is too pure for her own good. Kahit noong mga bata pa kami, she's the likeable one. She always want to please people around her. Ayaw niyang nagkakamali. She cares a lot and Ender will break her.
Ipinunas ko ang kamay ko sa salamin para tanggalin ang panlalabo no'n. I stared at myself in the mirror and I saw the same thing that's been staring at me for years. Emptiness.
I looked away and grabbed my towel. Pinunasan ko ang buhok ko dahilan para muling mapatingin ako sa malaking salamin. I can't help myself but trace the scar below my ear. It was like a vine crawling around, it's end hidden by my hair.
It's the scar I got from my mission years ago. Iyong misyon kung saan kasama ko si Stone. The agents managed to saved us. We were both unconscious when they found us in the water. Halos parehas lang kami ng tinagal sa ospital kahit na mas marami siyang tinamo na injury.
We lost the evidence because of the accident since they were deemed tampered. The place of our client was cleaned up since we already got the evidence so that left us with nothing except what the police already have. All I know is that the son of the mistress was put to jail since his DNA was found on the evidences.
Tinuyo ko ang katawan ko at lumabas na ako ng kuwarto. Mabilis na nagbihis ako pero imbis na pantulog ay kumuha ako ng leggings at simpleng t-shirt. I grabbed my jacket before I went out of my room.
Namataan ko ang pagkain na nakatakip sa kitchen ng flat ko na alam kong si Eris ang nag-iwan pero imbis na lapitan iyon ay tumuloy lang ako sa pinto para lumabas. The hallway was silent when I finally came out. Hindi nakakapagtaka dahil malalim na rin ang gabi.
Habang naglalakad ay isinuot ko ang jacket dahil malamig talaga kapag ganitong oras sa Tagaytay. Dire-diretso akong naglakad papunta sa daan na tinatahak ang malawak na field sa likod ng BHO CAMP. I walked the familiar grass and the path that I know I memorized like it's part of me. Bata pa lang kami ay pinupuntahan na namin ang lugar na ito kahit pa pinagbabawalan kami. We know that we're always safe anyways. We have a bracelet tracker when we were young and the agents know where to find us. Isa pa hindi rin kasi kami iniiwan ng mga mas nakakatanda sa amin katulad ni Phoenix kapag gumagala kami.
But sometimes, I go here alone. Without my sister or anyone. I can't remember that much but I know I've been here countless of times before.
I walked as if my feet knows the direction I want to go to. Hindi ko ininda ang kadiliman o ang halo-halong bato at mga sanga sa daraanan ko. I can close my eyes and still find that place without a scratch.
Di kalayuan sa akin ay napailing ako nang makita ko ang tree house nila Snow. They rarely allow us inside. Talagang sila lang ni Phoenix ang kadalasan pumupunta ro'n noong bata pa kami. Most of us didn't mind but it doesn't mean that we didn't try to get inside that place.
Nilagpasan ko iyon at nagpatuloy ako sa paglalakad. I can feel the energy radiating around me despite the tiring day that I had. Kailangan ko 'to. I don't know why but that place is the only place that I could feel anything a semblance of who I am before.
It didn't took me long to reach it or maybe I just didn't mind the time that passed. But I found it... like I always do.
I inhaled deeply and let it out when I finally saw the cliff. Malabo na ang alaala ko tungkol sa lugar na ito marahil dahil na rin sa bata pa ako noong una ko itong nakita. But I remember finding this on accident when I was young. Something that is very dangerous at that time. I could have fell and it will certainly kill me. I don't know how many times I went here. Maybe I was too young to remember.
Naglakad ako sa may kalawakan na bato na tila nakakapit sa lupa. This is the edge of BHO CAMP but it's never enough for me.
Tinawid ko ang distansiya na kinaroroonan ng dulo ng bato at hindi ko ininda ang lamig na bumabalot sa akin. Without even feeling a hint of fear, I sat at the edge of the cliff my feet dangling in the air. Sa baba ay balot na ng dilim ang paligid.
"Hello, again." I whispered to the air.
This is my own place. This is the place for me to breathe. The only place that makes me feel like I still have something even though I don't know what I really lost. It's the place that I don't need to hide and just be me. A place where I can let the darkness speak for me.
Muntik na itong mabaon sa alaala ko. When I became an Ender I felt like I was numb. Too numb that for some reason it's like the emptiness is going to make me explode. My life was filled with irony day by day. Then I found this place. O mas tamang sabihin ay nahanap ko ulit.
In this place I could feel some traces of my heart... or maybe not really feel them. It's like a phantom pain. Hindi ka naman talaga nasasaktan pero naaalala mo ang pakiramdam ng sakit. It's a string of distant memory connected to one place.
"I killed a man again today. The list is too long now that I keep thinking if I need to bother writing more. What difference would it make?" The wind howled as if to answer and I can't help the smile that covered my lips. "He deserved it. That doesn't justify it but he deserved it. Hindi mababago ng kamatayan niya ang tipak na ninakaw niya sa mga babaeng iyon. His death won't bring back the life that this world lost because of him. But at least the world is one less fucked up now. At least no more names would be added to his list of crimes."
Niyakap ko ang mga tuhod ko at sinandal ko ang baba ko ro'n. There's no one listening except the wind and the cliff. Maybe the stars are somewhat hearing me too.
"I wanted to feel the joy for ending his life. To have that at least. Pero wala akong maramdaman. Walang kasiyahan, walang pandidiri, walang kahit na ano. I can't remember the last time that I ever felt anything. And it should scare me... but even that... even that I can't feel."
I woke up one day and I'm like this. I smile in response to other people, I laugh because my brain recognize it as funny, I get angry because that's the answer to the situation. But I never really feel it. Not in a way that the feelings mattered.
Sa isip ko may pagkakataon pa rin na nasasabi kong "nakakairita", "naiinis ako", "natawa ako sa kaniya"... I still have those. My brain still process them. But it's not enough for me to feel inside me. Like I can see them... but they can't touch me.
I love my family. I know the feeling is real. I know that the love I have for them is part of me. That was that. It's just a part of me like I have my hands, my feet, my brain. I love them because I was made to have them.
Pakiramdam ko manika ako na pinapagalaw lang ng buhay. And I can't help but ask... I can't help but question it... "Saan ba ako nawala? Saan ko ba nawala ang sarili ko na naging ganito ako?"
Was it because of the first mission for Ender? Was it because of the life that I took that day? I want to think that it was then that I lost well... me.
But I know I will be lying to myself.
"There's one thing I'm scared of. The only thing that I fear. I think I never said that out loud." Bahagya akong tumawa nang may maisip. To my ears, my laugh sounded bleak. "Wala rin naman makakaintindi. Wala rin naman akong pwedeng sabihan."
That was part of my new vows. The one I took to become an Ender. No one should know. It's for their safety... and for their sanity. Ayokong makita sa mga mata nila ang pag-alala o panghuhusga.
"I'm scared that I won't even care if I fall on this cliff. That even if death is staring me in the eyes... I wouldn't still find myself to care."
Emptiness hurt. It felt like a physical pain. And emptiness hurt like I'm losing a limb. Minsan para akong sinasaksak no'n, para akong kinukuhanan ng buhay. I just want to feel something. Kahit konti lang. I want to remember what it's like to feel.
Mahina akong napasinghap nang maramdaman ko ang tila pagdampi ng lamig sa pisngi ko. Hindi lang dahil sa lamig kundi sa luha na gustong tuyuin ng langit. Nagtatakang inangat ko ang kamay ko at pinunasan ko iyon. I can see the glistening of wet on my fingers.
"I think someday the heart will always catch up. Isang araw mapupuno ka na lang at hindi mo na magagawang dalin ang lahat."
Para bang umuulingling sa tenga ko ang sinabi ni Sky sa akin. If my heart wants to catch up... I wish it could run faster. Hindi ko na alam kung gaano ko pa katagal kayang hintayin iyon. Hindi ko alam kung ano pa ang mawawala sa akin sa bawat araw na lumilipas.
"What are you doing here?"
Gulat na napalingon ako nang marinig ko ang boses na nagsalita. I immediately stood up but my knees were weak. Mabuti na lang ay may mga kamay na kaagad na humawak sa akin para alalayan ako. Magkakatotoo pa sana ang sinabi ko kanina. I was really going to fall if not for this person.
"Fuck."
"I'm fine." pumiksi ako para mabitawan niya ako. Kumilos ako palayo sa kaniya at sa bangin na nasa likod namin. The place was the dark and the only light was coming from the stars and the moon above. "You're..."
I know him at the same time that I don't.
"Why are you here?" I asked.
Hindi siya sumagot at sa halip ay mataman lang siyang nakatitig sa akin. Him being here is creating an earthquake beneath my feet. A change... a shift. He's making me remember and through the fragments of memories... I'm beginning to feel.
I reached for it like a thirsty man on a desert. I was desperate to feel. I needed it.
"Who are you?" I whispered.
I need to hear him answer. No. I want him to answer.
I want a lot of things. Mga bagay na hindi ko alam kung bakit siya lang ang tila makapagbibigay. I want him to bring me back.
"I want to know."
And again the world shifted...
Again.... I changed.
___________________End of Chapter 3.