My mother is gone.
No, that's not correct. My mother is dead. The doctors can't point out the proper terms to use for why she died. Or maybe they just don't want to share the terrible details with me so soon. Her funeral felt to quick. To sudden. To organized. Like Margaret had it all planned out her whole life, just like her wedding.
I'm currently sitting on the couch in my sisters and brother-in-laws study. In front of me are dead hydrangeas that they put out at her funeral a month ago. Dead they are. Dead like my mother, never to bloom again and grace us all with their beauty.
One year and eleven months since I left Underland. One year and ten months, me and my mother were on our voyage. Three months since my mother started feeling sick, and one month since my mother was pronounced dead.
I've just been going through the motions. Just listening to Margaret talk about the estates and finances. Of course I'm not listening to her right now, I'm to focused on the dead flowers in front of me. I've been staying with Margaret since we came back to England. She told me I can stay there until we get the finances figured out and I was eligible to get back on the Wonder.
As much as it pains me to worry about the Wonder right now, I have a promise to keep. Even though my mother is gone, I have a promise to keep for my mother. She made me promise to her, the day she awoke from her first sleep spell, that I would keep going on adventures even if she wasn't around. That I would keep doing what makes me happy. Of course I thought that was bonkers for her to say that at the time, but I promised her anyway. And I attended to keep that promise. No matter how much it hurts.
"Alice, are you listening to me?" I blink a few times and look at my sister. She has a face of annoyance at the moment. I guess I conjured that in her since I'm being terribly distracted today.
"Yes, I mean, no. Sorry. Can you repeat what you said?"
My sister inhaled deeply and pinched the bridge of her nose. I hear her say under her breath, "Oh, Alice. What am I going to do with you." It wasn't really a question, of course. Just her way of secretly telling me she wants me out of the house as soon as possible. Instead of replying, I sat there quietly waiting for her to tell me what was so important that I had come to her husbands study.
Lowell is currently slouching in his chair, probably hoping for this meeting his wife called for to be over already. If this is what he's truly thinking, then that maybe the first time we agreed with something.
"Alice, we're talking about mother's finances right now. This needs your full attention and it's very rude for you not to listen. It is also disrespectful towards mother for you not to care for something like this." Disrespectful towards mother? Disrespect towards mother! She's lucky I'm having an off day otherwise I would very much be telling her what's disrespectful towards mother.
Whats disrespectful is that she announced her pregnancy at our mothers funeral! Or, that her husband was away half the funeral probably snogging another "close" friend. Or, that every time we talk about mother she has the audacity to say she would want me to marry. She doesn't know what mother wants. She never did!
She realizes I became extremely stiff and bows her head. She probably realized what she said was quiet cruel, but of course she will never admit that. She breaths in sharply and finally decides to repeat what she said, "Now that I FINALLY got your attention, this is about mother's finances, this includes her wealth and estates. She left the house and the ship to be split between the both of us. But I don't believe will be able to keep the ship."
This definitely got my attention now, "What? Why not?"
"Mother has no more money Alice. She must of spent it all while you were away. The company didn't run as well as you both hoped, and with the baby on the way... we need this house Alice. We're going to have to sell the ship to cover all the debt mother has left us in."
"We can't sell the ship!" I stand up abruptly and bump my knees into the table. The dead flowers wobble a little with the impact. "Father left that ship to mother, and mother insured me I would be able to keep that ship for as long as I wanted."
"Mind your tone Alice." You mind your tone. "We just can't. There's nothing we can do. And wasn't it you who once said it's just a ship?"
"That was because mother was either going to sell our old house or the ship. I didn't want her to feel pressured into giving something up just for me."
"But now we are all under pressure." I'll say. Right now I feel like a ton of bricks are being pushed into my chest. I can't let go of the Wonder. It's the last connection I have to my father and now my mother too. My sister realizes my breathing has become irregular and fast. She steps towards me and puts her hand gently onto my shoulder. I look into her bright blue eyes, that match mother's, and feel a little bit better. She smiles at me, but all I see is pity in that smile. "I know how much that ship meant to you, Alice. I'm really sorry I can't do anything."
For the first time, during this whole meeting, I feel my sister truly feels bad about the situation. Truly feels that she is helpless in a situation. But then she continued talking, "If anything, you can marry into money and be able to go on any ship with your husband. I'll gladly set you up with one of Lowell's friends. I'm sure one of them has a ship."
That's when I lost it. I swatted her hand off my shoulder, and looked at her with the most disgust I can conjure into my eyes. She just... did she... did she really just propose I marry into having my own ship?! "What's is wrong with you? I don't know how many times I have to tell you Margaret, but I won't be marrying someone just for their titles and money!"
"Then who, then? Your nearing 26 Alice, soon their will be no one else in England that would want someone at your age. Do you really want to end up alone and sorry for yourself for never being happy?"
"I was happy!"
"When? On a boat full of men just waiting for you to drop your knickers for them?!"
I stepped back, shocked and appalled from what she just said. How could my sister even suggest such a thing? I've never even been kissed by another and she's suggesting I would fill my ship with men that just wanted me to lay with them.
Margaret has her hands over her mouth. Even she knows she went to far. "Alice I'm so-"
But she never got to finish. I was running out the door before she could. I heard her shouting after me, but I didn't want to hear it. I just wanted to get away. Get away from her, away from life, away from everything. As I run, my tears clouded my vision, but I'm too angry to wipe them away.
Just get away Alice.
Run.
Run as fast as you can, and as far as you can.
And that is what I did. I ran, and ran until my feet gave out. I dropped onto the grass and didn't have the strength to pull myself up. Why did this happen to me? My life was nearly perfect just a month ago, and now I'm being pressured to marry all over again. How I wished mother was here. How I wished I could just go away with her. Go away to some place where your never subjected to hear what you must do to be "normal."
I did have a place like that once. Underland. It's been so long since I let myself miss that world. Right now I wish I were there, so very badly. Listening to Mirana talk to the trees. Running after McTwist to find out what he's late for. To ride the bandersnatch. To see the darling cheshire cat, Chessur's smile. To play in the garden with Bayard. To have tea with the March Hare, Mallymkun, and the Hatter.
The Hatter. My best friend. I'll never see him again. I'll never see any of them again.
I curl up into a ball and cried as loudly as I pleased. No one is around to hear me, so I don't have to worry about what's the proper way to cry. My life is done for. At just 26 years old, my life has fallen into pieces.
"Alice~"
Did I just hear something?
"Beautiful Alice~"
I did just hear something. With my negative mood set aside, I call out to the voice asking who's there, but I didn't see anyone appear.
"Don't cry beautiful Alice. Your not alone now~"
My first thought is Absolem, but this voice is to feminine to be him. I stand and start walking into the trees hoping to see someone.
"Over hear Alice. Your so close." The voice is getting louder, but I still don't see anyone. Not even an animal in sight. "So close. So close. Your almost there~"
It's then that I go around a tree and see there's a rabbit hole. This rabbit hole is different, though. It's much more, dark? It also has a aura to it. One I can't quiet put a finger on. The voice returns again, "Your right there Alice. Yes, beautiful girl. Just a little closer."
That's how I knew it was definitely the rabbit hole. I lean down to get closer into it. The last time I came upon a rabbit hole, I fell in and feared for my death the whole way down. This time will be different because I know what to expect. I start to put my feet in the hole, but before I could prepare myself for the jump two black veined hands grab my legs and pull me through.
I screamed. What else could I do but scream. A wretchedly loud scream. This has never happened before. No one has ever pulled me into Wonderland. And it never got bright. It's pitch black the whole way down. No light at the end, no roots to get tangled in. Just darkness.
I shut my eyes for my own security. I know it wouldn't help, but it's my first automatic reaction. Then I felt it. I fell through a roof. A bright white roof, but I keep falling. The ground isn't slowing me down!
WHY AM I NOT STOPPING!!
I brace myself for impact... but it never comes. I finally open my eyes and see I'm floating just above the ground. Maybe a foot from it. Then I'm let go by this magic and land with a 'Uff'.
I'm breathing so fast I can't even concentrate enough to look around. Then I hear it. A voice I know very well, "Alice?"
It's the Hatter.
I'm back in Underland.