If anyone reading this is dealing with grief or loss, you got this, you are so strong ✨
Harry, Alice and the class spent lots of time practicing the words over the rest of the week. They only had four weeks to perfect it and that wasn't long when it came to teaching five and six year olds to do a performance on stage. Alice loved practicing with them though, and - it turned out Harry had the voice of an angel too. She could sit and listen to him teaching them their song all day long, was there anything he couldn't do?
Friday came around before they knew it and Alice was relieved it was the end of another week. Harry had suggested that Alice, Niall and Hayley come round to his for an evening of dinner and drinks on Saturday which she couldn't wait for, her three favorite humans. Tonight however, she was going over to see her dad - she wanted to sort out her mum's belongings. It had been playing on her mind for a while now and she wanted everything sorted before anything would be touched by the woman currently making herself at home in the place Alice grew up.
As she was tidying the classroom she heard Harry shuffle up behind her. The kids were all away and it was just the two of them left.
'I've got to shoot off today, are you still coming round tomorrow?,' he placed his hand on her hip, his beautiful tartan jacket wrapped around him ready to head out into the cold.
'Yeah, I can't wait,' she replied and wrapped her arms round his shoulders. He looked into her eyes, full of kindness and warmth - an encouraging smile across his lips.
'Be strong tonight, I know it's worrying you,' he said softly, brushing a lock of hair away from her face and tucking it behind her ear.
'Thank you,' she looked down at her feet before Harry pulled her into a tight hug. She relaxed herself in his arms, he had a way of making her feel so safe. Harry then kissed the top of her head and made Alice look at him again before telling her to call him if she needed anything.
'I will, I promise,' and they pushed their lips together before saying goodbye. Alice sighed as she watched him go, tonight was not going to be fun.
*
'Alice this is always your home, always,' her dad said to a distraught Alice. 'You can come back here or stay in the other house, it's totally up to you,' he told her, hugging her closer to his side as tears rolled down her face. Her mum hadn't been gone long - it was still so raw and her emotions were all over the place.
'I don't want you to be alone Dad, I don't want you to be lonely,' she said, wiping tears away with the sleeve of her jumper.
'Alice, the house will be quiet without my girls - but the memories here still feel so alive, and you're not far away - pretty much round the corner. And who knows, maybe I'll finally get myself a dog,' he chuckled, and Alice felt herself laughing too. 'This is our home sweetheart, it's where we made the most wonderful memories, you, me and you mam, this will always be our home no matter what life throws at us or how grown up you get.'
It was around dinner time when Alice arrived outside her dad's home. She took a deep breath before pushing through the front door, although nowadays she felt the need to knock rather than just go in - which she did before stepping inside. She was greeted by her dad, standing in his living room talking to one of the woman's kids that now lived there - her heart sank a little, she wasn't even really sure why it made her feel so sad.
'Hey Sweetheart,' her dad called over, 'I'm so glad you're here,' he said.
'Should we get started,' she replied, she didn't want to be here longer than she had too, she didn't like how it felt here anymore, this wasn't somewhere she felt welcome.
For several hours, Alice and her Dad began clearing out her mum's wardrobe. Her clothes were just as she had left them, her shoes lined up and jewellery still sitting in its box as it always did. Her mum always wore the loveliest necklaces that Alice would wear around the house herself when she was a little girl. A lump stayed in her throat throughout the whole process, at several points tears threatened to spill over her cheeks but she managed to hold them in - for now. Her dad seemed to struggle a little too, she knew this would be just as hard for him. He let Alice take the lead on most of the sorting, agreeing with what to keep and what to let go of.
Although it was tough, it was nice. It was the most time Alice and her dad had spent together alone in a long time and she missed it, she missed just being able to spend precious time with her dad - life was short after all. They had a laugh over lots of memories, thinking back to holidays they had been on as a family when Alice pulled her mum's sunhat out from the top shelf. They even thought back to the evening they had spent together in this house just before she had died, they had been so close. Alice's parents had been her whole world - a she theirs. Even though there were sad times, they had been happy - so incredibly happy just the three of them.
'I really miss you being around Alice,' her dad had said as they sat on the floor, going through a box of scarves her mum had kept. Pretty pinks and florals lay across the floor in front of Alice, reminding her of the beautiful, bright and wonderful person her mum had been.
'I miss you too dad, I just -,' Alice didn't like to let people see her upset, she felt embarrassed - never liking the attention that crying brought with it.
'What is it sweetheart?' her dad put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her into a cuddle. The slight contact had tears building up in her eyes again, she missed this - she missed him.
'I'm sorry dad,' she started to cry, 'I just find it hard seeing you move these people into our house, this is mums house,'
'Oh Alice, he sighed, 'don't be sorry,' Alice could hear him getting emotional too. 'I'm so sorry, I don't want you to be upset about it,'
'But you moved on so quick Dad,' she cried, tears spilling down her cheeks just like the words spilling out of her mouth.
'Love I haven't moved on, I miss your mum every single day of my life - no one will ever replace her,' he said as he pulled her in tighter, 'Is this why you've been so distant sweetheart?'.
Alice nodded, she couldn't find any words to say. The pain in her chest that had become less and less over the past few months returned stronger than ever.
'Sweetheart look at me,' he held Alice by the shoulders as she looked up into his sad eyes, wiping away the tears that had spilled from hers with the back of his hand.
'Honey, Martha and I helped each other, we've both been through the ringer and found comfort in one another. She's not here to replace your mum, never ever ever,' he said, keeping his eyes focused on her, Alice felt the lump rising in her throat again. 'I was so lonely Alice, It's nice having others in the house again, it was so quiet without you and your mum.'
'Your happier now?' Alice said, her voice shaky.
'I still feel sad sometimes, and I miss your mum terribly - it's nice having company again. Im so so sorry it made you feel so sad, I never wanted to make you sad Alice,' and Alice saw a tear fall from her dad's eyes, in that moment her heart hurt more than ever.
'No I'm sorry too dad, It hurts seeing others in the house - in our house. I never thought about you being lonely, I just thought you had moved on from me and mum,'.
'Never, don't ever think that,' he wiped more tears from her cheeks. Alice could feel her cheeks burning and her heart racing.
The two of them sat hugging one another for a while before they finished sorting through her mum's things. Alice chose to take home some jumpers and her favorite pieces of jewelry she remembered her mum wearing. She also kept a few of the things she had made for her mum when she was little, the tiny teddy bear she had sewn for her in her high school home economics class and the cards she had spent hours making before christmases and birthdays. Memories were so precious.
Everything they didn't want or need was bagged up, ready to go to the charity - to make someone else happy and Alice liked that thought, knowing full well thats what her mum would have wanted too. Although she still felt sad, it was the end of an era. Relief spread through her body at the thought of it all being done, and happiness at the thought of the things she could now treasure forever. Tonight had been therapeutic, she could stop worrying about everything that had been on her mind lately. It had been such a relief to hear her dad talk about everything, they had been so distant for the past year or so and she hoped that was over now. She understood that her dad needed company and that perhaps Martha wasn't there to take over after all.
It was dark when she finally walked home, her dad didn't live far from her and she enjoyed the cool night air on her flushed cheeks and stinging eyes. Her mind felt clearer and her heart ached a little less at what had been said tonight. She missed her mum so much, she realized tonight just how much it still hurt and how raw her emotions still were. When her mum had died, everyone had told her again and again 'It gets easier,'. Alice realized now that it didn't, you just learnt to cope better and begin to fill the missing space in your heart with memories of happier times rather than pain and grief. She would get there eventually.
Arriving home to her little house, she pulled off her jacket and shoes and was greeted by Fred running to her feet - this was exactly who she needed to see right now.
'Hey little man, I missed you.' Alice said to him as she picked him up like a baby. She carried him through to the kitchen on her way to make herself a cuppa to bring up to bed with her.
She flicked on the kitchen light with Fred still in her arms and stopped suddenly in the doorway. Perched on the kitchen table was the most beautiful bunch of flowers she had ever seen, bright pinks, purples and yellows surrounded by the loveliest green. They were wrapped in a pink bow with a small card tucked into the side. Alice beamed and walked over to get a closer look, Fred still lying like a baby in her arms. She picked up the card which had Alice printed on the front, she knew that writing already. Alice opened the envelope skilfully with one hand - smiling at the picture of a cute little cat on the front. Inside it read -
Alice,
I hope everything went okay tonight. Just know you are so brave, I know it's been worrying you.
Please don't be sad, you deserve all the happiness in the world and I know your mum would agree with me. She would be so proud of the wonderful, kind person you have become.
I feel so lucky to have you in my life, even though it's only been for a little while.
Thank you for making me smile everyday Alice,
H x
She held the card to her chest and cuddled Fred into her, he looked up at her curious as to why tears were streaming down her face. For the first time in so long - they were happy tears.
'I'm so lucky,' she smiled down at Fred, 'how did I meet someone so wonderful.'.