Regret
Nini's POV
If there's one thing I regretted the most, it is the time that i hurted her. The time that i hurted lisa.
I always do my best to don't have regrets that's my principle in life but i don't believe in it anymore since I'm regretting hurting lisa.
I didn't do my best to not gave her pain.
How could I hurted the one person who stayed by my side when no one else did.
How dare me to pushed her away when she just wanted to be with my side always.
How could I say mean words to her when she always comforted me with her sweet words when everytime I'm in pain.
How dare me not to trust the one person who trusted and believed me when I doubted myself.
How could she be so strong to ease my pain when in the first place she's damaged inside and suffering from pain that I had given her that time.
She loves me despite all the hate I had given her.
She didn't speak about how she love me but her action speaks louder.
I lied to her, I lied to Jisoo unnie and Rosie, I also lied to myself. I lied to myself because there's a part of me denied that I don't like her but infact I really like her now.
The thought of I hurted her hurt me so bad.
It's like a nightmare, I couldn't believed I did a lot of things to her.
"U-unnie why are you crying?". I jumped in surprised when Rosie suddenly asked.
I didn't know that she's already here. I didn't even noticed that I'm already crying for too much thought about Lisa.
"Rosie have you ever regretted something in your life?". I asked and she just shrugged.
"Chae I'm regretting. I regretted hurting her". I said wiping my tears.
"You should unnie. Do you know that the day she left our dorm? The day she was not with us in a couple of days because of what happened to us, to you and to Gavin? She always followed you every night. She always follows you and make sure you leave the dorm safe and be back safe". She said that made me frooze.
My heart hurts.
While I was busy wasting my time to the person who didn't deserve me, Lisa was there wasting her precious time to the person who's not worth it. And that person is me.
"She does that every night but the day before that jerk almost raped you? She got sick. She got body pain that made her weak but she still manage to save you from him even though she's weak and suffering from body pain". She continued to talk while my tears continued to poured.
Ottoke Lili?
I can't see Rosie straight from the eyes.
"Unnie you don't know how hurt she is. She loves you so much. She always talked to me how hurt she is, how she loves you and how your smile can turned her life upside down". Her words made me burst in crying.
"I-i'm sorry". I said sobbing. Chae went to me and hugged me.
She caressed my back but I just cried harder.
"Unnie I don't have the intentions to make you guilty but I need to let this things out from me". I nodded as a response to her words.
"Remember the death threat she received? It wasn't hers. It's for you unnie but she hide it and lied to you because she cared for you. She saw how traumatized you were so she kept it to herself and carried the burden alone. She'd rather suffer than you. She can't even bare to see you crying or having a small wound". She really is a good person.
Hearing those words came from chae made me just realized a lot of things.
"Do I deserve her?". I asked in between of sobbed. "Of course unnie you deserve each other". She said that made me at ease.
"Thank you for being there for her Rosie-yah". I sincerely said.
She hold my hand and looked at my eyes directly.
"You know how I love y'all right?". She utter sweetly.
"hmmmmm". I answered in hummm and went silent.
"I'll just go to my room. Thank you for telling me everything". I said and she nodded.
I feel sleepy after crying hard earlier.
I went to my room and lay in bed.
I let myself fell into a deep slumber.
I woke up with the familiar scent I always wanted to smell.
There's someone caressing my hair and humming a song.
A song that has a big impact to my life.
I opened my eyes and there I saw Lili staring at me while smiling like a creep. But I still smiled back.
"Good evening jendeukie". She greeted me smiling. Her smile are genuine that make everyone smile when they saw it.
"Good eve-----what? It's evening?". I asked confused. My smile fade when I realized I just slept almost a half a day.
"Yes madam it's evening and you haven't eaten your lunch yet so I'm here to fetch you your highness". She said that made me smile again.
"Get up quickly Nini you've just skipped your meal". She put her hands in her waist scolding me like she's my mother.
Oh she's looking at me seriously. Is she mad?
"Are you mad at me?". I asked pouting she was about to walk out when she heard me. Upon hearing me she already face me.
"Mad? Oh come on Nini how to get mad at you. I don't know how to get mad when it comes to you". Smiling like an idiot she uttered those words.
"Awww". I stand up and went to her.
I held her hand and intertwined it with mine.
I smiled seeing our hands like that.
"Can we talk after we eat?". I asked. She nodded immediately.
We both went to the kitchen and eat.
"Where's chaesoo?". I asked munching my food.
"Outside". She shortly replied.
Her head leaning on the table.
She's staring at me smiling.
"Yah lisa-yah eat your food". I softly glared at her.
"But I'm already full Nini". She said pouting. "Aigoo stop pouting. You are full without eating anything yet?". I asked confused.
"But I'm already full watching the best view". The butterflies in my tummy went wild. Why is she like that. Stop it Lisa.
"Yah li-lisayah can you please stop". I looked up to prevent my tears from falling. I stand up even though I didn't finished my food yet. I went to my room and lock it.
"Jennie open the door". She knocked into my door.
It made me burst out from crying. Lisa please stop it's not right. I'm starting to feel confused. What's the meaning of your actions. Your words keep popping in my head always.
I'm starting to wonder what are we? Are we even more than friends.
Lili I'm afraid.
I'm afraid that I will hurt you again.
I'm sorry.
I like you but it's not right. Girls aren't supposed to love other girls the way you wanted us to be.
"Nini open the door". She softly said. "I'm fine Lisa". I said trying to hold my sob. "Fine? You walked out without finishing your food. You left me with no choice Nini. I'm going to broke this damn door". She said sighing.
"Lisa wait you will going to hurt me. I'm leaning on it". I said still crying.
"Damn it". She cursed. "Nini open it please". She said almost begging. "I'll just take a shower". I said and went to my bathroom.
I stayed there for an hour until I decided to go out.
I jumped in surprised when I saw her sitting on my bed.
"L-lisa". I stuttered.
I'm just wearing a towel for Pete's sake.
She looked at me but immediately turned her gaze to somewhere else.
"O-oh i-i'm sorry. I didn't mean to barged in without your permission". She said and closed her eyes. "Put your clothes on Nini". I immediately grab my pajamas and put it on.
"Open your eyes. I'm done". I went to her side. She grabbed the towel from my hand to dry my hair.
Lisa please stop it.
"Why did you walked out earlier? Did you cried? Did I make you upset? Did I say something wro----". I interrupt her words. "You didn't do anything lice. It's just that my anxiety and overthinking attacked me again". I partially lied and said the truth.
She was paused from drying my hair.
"What did I tell you Nini. I told you to let me shove your anxiety away. Do you trust me?". She asked seriously. There's sadness in her voice. I'm sorry.
"Of course I trust you Lili". I spoke softly trying to make her smile but I failed. Now she's poker face. "Tell me everything then?". She said that made me nervous. "I-i can't. I'm sorry Lili but it's not the right time to tell you". I said looking down. I don't wanna see the sadness and pain in her eyes.
"It's fine jen. Go to sleep". She said faking a smile.
Oh God I hurted her again and again.
"Are you mad?". I asked afraid now.
"For God's sake Jen how to get mad at you. I didn't get mad at you even once". She said faking a smile again.
"Go to sleep". She said and left me behind.
"Lisa-yah". I said as tears rolled down my cheeks.
"Why are you crying?". I jumped in surprised.
She came back.
I low-key wiped my tears.
"I'm not crying". I said and smiled the faked one.
"Why did you came back?". I still asked trying to hold my damn tears. "Did you honestly think I'd let you sleep like that?". She asked that made me burst out from crying.
Why the hell I am a cry baby this past days.
She hugged me out of nowhere. A tight hug.
I feel at ease in her. Her hugs gave me comfort. I felt home in her arms. Maybe this is the place where I belong in her arms.
That night we slept together. We spent our night together without thinking anything but for our sake.
I don't understand myself. It's wrong. It's wrong to fall in love with same gender as me. Girls was supposed to love boys and boys was supposed to love girls.
But what if I fell for her deeper? Would destiny on our side and let us be happy or there's still a barrier towards our happiness.
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