{ Dan }
"Dan, what are you doing?" Phil questions, suddenly appearing in the kitchen. "Nothing." I lied. I was actually counting and comparing calories. I was starving! I hadn't eaten in three days (today was my fourth.) The best thing I could eat was a can of diced potatoes which was a weird choice of food but I was judging it based on nutrition facts and not personal preference. It had 0 grams of fat, and only 60 calories for the entire thing. Perfect.
I think Phil caught on to my game after a few comparing of different cans and boxes. "I can cook something for you." He offered. I shook my head immediately, claiming "I'm just gonna have these potatoes." He lifted a brow, giving me the 'you're crazy' look. I sighed but offered no explanation. He knew what I was doing anyway so what was the point?
"I can whip up some bacon for you to dice up and add to those." He continued as I searched for a can opener. Bacon was a danger food, along with cheese and milk and a few others. I can't eat it. Too much fat, too many calories. I shook my head, cringing. Finally, after a minute, he sighed. My hands brushed the can opener as he said, "At least you're eating" and left me in the kitchen.
Things have been tense between us the past few days. My birthday was in one week and then two days after, we were leaving for our Europe trip. Scotland and Wales is our first and closest destination. I don't know what it was but when Phil and I are around each other, we're either moaning eachother's names or shouting them. Sex and fighting. Fighting and sex. Angry, heated sex. Sex then disappearing to our separate rooms, separate corners of the world. I don't want it to be like this. But I don't know what's the matter so I don't know how to fix it. I feel like the problem is me. I have so many issues that I've become an issue within myself. I'm a burden to Phil, one he doesn't know how to drop off. He should just take a really long drive one day and dump me off far away from home on some interstate.
I eat all of the potatoes and resist the urge to purge them. Phil doesn't need to walk in on me forcing myself to puke. The first time was bad enough and so triggering to him that he didn't eat for a week.
I fuck him up unintentionally. He deserves better.
I tell him this once I discard the can from my lunch, breakfast, and dinner for the next week and make it to his room where he's scrolling through something on his computer.
"You deserve better," was his rebuttal but I didn't get a chance to respond because he continued speaking. "I can't help you with what you need assistance with because I'm too weak to deal with your issues without falling into your same, destructive patterns. You deserve someone stronger, someone more capable. My hands shake when I hold you and that's not okay."
I take a deep breath before arguing. "But if I didn't have problems in the first place, you wouldn't have to be anything but my boyfriend. I shouldn't expect a therapist out of you, I shouldn't put that on you."
"You put nothing on me. I'm here for you, that's not therapy. Not really." He assured, shutting his laptop. "I know things arent perfect right now and I cant tell you why, only that it's not right. What are we doing?" He asked, face a mask of pain and guilt. "I don't know. We fight, spitting bullets with a blind fury and before we know it our words link our lips together and mix our sinew and then we're naked and its all physical but when it's done, we both feel shitty and out of place and separate from eachother, scared to meet face to face after the fact. What is this?"
"We need relationship counseling." Was all he said, and the conversation was over. I left his room, my chest a storm of emotions more lethal than before. I wanted to cut my heart out and throw it at him, make him see its beating for him but instead I sat in front of my window and watched the sun set, a nice breeze wafting in. Then smoke from the next open window wafted in as Phil lit cigarette after cigarette until the sun painted the sky dark and the moon showed up and crashed the party along with all my demons. I was lulled to sleep by the haunting lullaby of Phil's cries as he mourned what our relationship used to be and realised the corpse of what it was and tried to rehabilitate it back to life. But I fear its a goner. Oh, god, our love is still here but we don't know how to express due to the fear of it ending.
We make up before my birthday, thank God, because my birthday truly is the end.
/ / /
i sorta abandoned wattpad unintentionally??? But i back. Next chapter is last (which I've already written & will post soon), an epilogue following it. Btw i will update my other stories tomorrow after track practice if i dont have much homework ay c;
Thanks for reading ily bhye.