this was inspired by taylor swift's song: tolerate it
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You placed a cup of coffee on the table near him, where he could reach out for it easily while reading his book. Severus looked up from his book and gazed at you, but before you could give him a smile, his gaze was already back on the interesting pages of his book again. He gave you a curt nod, thanking you quietly as he did not even hold his gaze on you for long.
You chewed on your bottom lip, trying to push your pain away from your mind. You went to sit on a chair across him, watching as he read his book with his head down. He looked so focus with his reading, and you took this chance to admire his handsome features. A smile found its way on your face as you thought of how grateful you were to have him as your husband. Sadly, you could not say the same for him. You never knew if he was happy to have you as his wife, and your smile dropped at the thought.
You quickly pushed the dreading thought away from your mind, and continued to watch Severus in admiration. Oh, how you wished he would notice your loving and longing gaze. He moved on to the next page, not even once, he looked up to glance at you.
You wanted him to read out to you. You thought it would be nice to have your husband reading for you, and you would listen to his silky and deep voice, which was able to make you swoon over him every time. It was your childhood dream to have a sweet moment like that when you got married, but you were not sure if you would be able to experience it with Severus.
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I sit and watch you reading with your head low
I wake and watch you breathing with your eyes closed
I sit and watch you
I notice everything you do or don't do
You're so much older and wiser, and I
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An arranged marriage did this to you. It ruined every single dream that you had created when you were a child. You always hoped that when the time comes, you would find a man and fall in love deeply with him, just as he would fall in love with you. Then, both of you would get married willingly, eager to live a shared life together and nothing could stop you and your husband from achieving happiness.
However, your dreams were stolen. As the youngest Malfoy, the Dark Lord wanted to marry you off with a Death Eater, in exchange of you never getting the dark mark. Your brother was worried sick, he told you that it would better to get into an arranged marriage rather than to have the dark mark burned on your skin. You agreed to it, because you did not want to bear the dark mark either.
Severus was chosen. Lucius did not trust anyone else but his friend. He practically begged for Severus to agree, so that he did not have to marry you off to another Death Eater, who would just bring devastation and pain upon you. The professor's heart was heavy, knowing that he would only ever love one person in his life. Nevertheless, Severus agreed to marry you, for the sake of Lucius and of course, to protect you from the prying eyes and the dirty hands of the other Death Eaters.
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I wait by the door like I'm just a kid
Use my best colors for your portrait
Lay the table with the fancy sh-
And watch you tolerate it
If it's all in my head, tell me now
Tell me I've got it wrong somehow
I know my love should be celebrated
But you tolerate it
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You always woke up early in the morning. Usually, your husband would already be awake at the moment you opened your eyes, and he would be preparing breakfast for you in silence. It was one thing that made you feel appreciated, and loved; even if deep within your heart, you knew that he was not in love with you.
However, in mornings when you woke up and he was still in bed, you would stay and watch him sleep. He looked so peaceful and calm, so different when he was awake. You knew he had burden on his shoulders, and sometimes you wished he would tell you but he never did.
You watched as he breathed steadily, his hair falling on his face. He was older than you, and much wiser than you could ever be and at this moment, you could see it on his face. You admired him, there was never a day when you did not look at him and feel your heart swarmed with pride and joy to be able to call yourself his wife.
Surely, you did not marry him out of love. But that did not mean that you hated him. You never did.
Since the day he became your husband, you taught yourself to love the man and it was not hard to love him. You found yourself helplessly in love with him, while he was seeing you as nothing more than a woman that he needed to protect and look out for. You loved him, truly, you did.
You did everything in your power to show him your love. You tried your hardest to be the most loving wife, but sometimes you wondered, if he would ever love you back or your love for him would remained unrequited forever.
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I greet you with a battle hero's welcome
I take your indiscretions all in good fun
I sit and listen
I polish plates until they gleam and glisten
You're so much older and wiser, and I
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"Severus, talk to me."
You whispered softly, taking his hands in yours to comfort him. You sat him on your shared bed, sitting next to him as you could see his body trembling. Your husband was back from another Death Eater meeting, and you knew there was something troubling his mind.
Severus was silent, as he did not want to meet your eyes. You sighed, rubbing his back comfortingly. You knew he was not going to tell you anything. There was no point of asking him. You wondered if it was better that way, but sometimes you wanted to listen as he talked to you, just like any other couple did. But then again, you were not like any other couple, both of you knew that this marriage was arranged and there was no love in it.
Except for you, who was deeply in love with your husband who owned your heart and soul.
"Come on."
You said, patting your lap and he understood it right away. He rested his head on your lap, shutting his eyes as your delicate fingers massaged his scalps. You smiled when a sigh of content escaped his lips, glad to know that he was forgetting whatever that was bothering him.
Perhaps it was enough. He did not love you, but he would let you take care of him. But as time passed by, was it still enough to be his wife but not his love?
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I wait by the door like I'm just a kid
Use my best colors for your portrait
Lay the table with the fancy sh-
And watch you tolerate it
If it's all in my head, tell me now
Tell me I've got it wrong somehow
I know my love should be celebrated
But you tolerate it
-
Severus watched as you were painting, it was something that you loved to do. He watched as you let the paint brush danced on the white canvas, and he could tell that you were painting a portrait of someone but it was too early for him to guess. He decided to leave you alone with your painting, thus he went to read in the living room.
After a few moments, his reading came to a halt when called out his name, excitement was laced in your angelic voice. You grabbed his wrist and brought him to see your painting, while you tried to ignore the butterflies in your stomach when you held his hand. It was so surreal, after so long, you still had butterflies when you were holding him.
You were so in love, and yet he could not see that.
Severus lost his words when he realised that you painted his portrait. Your heart was beating rapidly against your chest, waiting for his response. You hoped that he could see how much he meant to you, and you wished he could realise that you were deeply in love with him.
"It's... It's beautiful."
He said, and you were going to say something when he walked out of the room, leaving you with questions in your head. You wanted to follow him but then you heard the front door slammed close, and you realised he had left.
Your heart dropped and there was a lump in your throat. It hurt you to love him when he was not even trying to reciprocate your feelings. You were becoming a burden to him and you could see it unfolding before your eyes, that he would never celebrate your love but he just tolerated it.
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While you were out building other worlds, where was I?
Where's that man who'd throw blankets over my barbed wire?
I made you my temple, my mural, my sky
Now I'm begging for footnotes in the story of your life
Drawing hearts in the byline
Always taking up too much space or time
You assume I'm fine, but what would you do if I
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Your eyes landed on your wedding ring, and your heart was aching at the sight of it. It was as if it was mocking you, telling you that your husband was not in love with you. You noticed Severus never had his wedding ring on, except when he went to the Death Eaters meetings, knowing that they would realise if he left it home. Was he ashamed of you?
You looked back and realised that he did not like the idea of being seen with you. You used to think that it was because he was afraid of your safety. But as the time gone by, your mind started to believe that he did not want people to know that you were his wife. That was why he did not like to take you out with him. On several occasions that he did, he would only put his arm around your waist when some men would gander at you, if not, he would not even hold your hand in his.
You had been spending your life, feeding yourself with sweet denials that someday Severus would love you. However, the pain was too much and you could not bear it any longer or you would die from agony.
You fell on your knees and your body was trembling from your sobs. You were crying over your cruel fate that trapped you in this arranged marriage, and your unrequited love with your husband who would never love you as much as you did to him. You felt so unloved, so useless and you wanted to escape from the fate that bounded you with Severus.
-
I break free and leave us in ruins?
Took this dagger in me and removed it?
Gain the weight of you then lose it
Believe me, I could do it
-
"You can't leave me."
He stated sternly, but you could hear the breaking of his voice. For a moment, you dared to think that he was scared of you leaving him because he loved you. You scoffed at your own thought and held tightly on your suitcase, making up your mind that this marriage was not the one that you wanted.
"Believe me, I can."
Venom was dripping from your voice and Severus knew you were hurt. It was nothing like you to look at him with dull eyes and a sad smile on your face. You always looked at him with so much adoration and affection, with the biggest smile that was only reserved for him. Perhaps it was his doing that caused you to change.
"If you do, you will have the dark mark."
Severus did not mean to threaten you, but he had to because it was the truth. Once you walked out of the marriage, you had to give yourself as a Death Eater and your husband was not very keen of the idea. However, his breath hitched when you nodded weakly.
"I know, and I'm ready. I'd rather to live a life as a Death Eater instead of being married to a man who will never love me."
Tears welled up in the corner of your eyes, your words were like daggers stabbing your own heart, knowing that you did not want to leave him but you had to do it. You could not stay tortured in the one-sided love anymore.
Your wounding words sent a pang of guilt in his chest, realising how big your love was for him. The sight of you holding back your tears, trembling, with a suitcase in your hand was too much for him. His heart was ripped out of his chest when you turned on your heels and walked to the door.
You were leaving.
-
If it's all in my head tell me now
Tell me I've got it wrong somehow
I know my love should be celebrated
But you tolerate it
-
"Please don't leave me."
His words stopped you, his desperate plead, torn your heart apart. You felt a wave of devastation washed over you as your hand reached for the door handle, ready to leave him behind.
"You don't have to worry about my brother, Severus. I will tell him that it's my fault our marriage fails."
You were aware that your brother would be enraged at Severus, and you were sure that it was the reason he stopped you from leaving.
"I don't care about Lucius. I care about you."
You breathed sharply when you felt his strong arms around you, engulfing you in such feelings that you had never felt before. A great tremor overtook your body and your hand fell from the door handle, tears rolled down upon your cheeks freely.
If Severus was not holding you from behind, you would already fall on your knees. Your gut-wrenching sobs tore through his chest, and he swore his ignorance with you before was killing him. He should have noticed the signs, that you were feeling down in the drains, but he was a fool and he admitted it.
He did not know what to do without you. Those nights when you would watch him in admiration, he noticed it. Those mornings when he intentionally woke up late, just to let you have your moments watching him in awe. Severus noticed when you would snuggle closer in his arms, thinking that he was asleep so that he could not feel you. Those days when he would be surrounded with his problems, he noticed how you tried your best to help him. Every little things you did, he saw you. Unfortunately, he did not do anything to show you his love.
He knew he should have read out to you, knowing that you had it in your mind but you were too shy to ask him to. He knew he should have hold you in his arms like he should, instead of letting you think that he was ashamed of you. He knew he should have tell you everything, showing you that he was happy to share a life with you.
He knew he should have celebrated your love, instead of tolerating it.
"Please stay with me."
You shook your head, realising his words were nothing but to deceive you and keep you in his home. You could not go on anymore with the sorrows of your marriage. You wanted to stay, and you would, only if he loved you.
So you said words that you always said to him every day. You said those words that you told him when he was off to work, which he would only reply with a nod. You said those words that you told him when he was deeply in thought, which he would not even hear you. You said those words that you whisper in his ears before you go to sleep, hoping that no nightmares could bother him if he knew he was loved.
"I love you, Severus."
You said, almost in a whisper, breaking into tears as you realised you would never hear him say it back to you. It was usual for you to utter those words, but he never, he would never say it back to you.
But you could not believe your ears, and your heart felt like it was going to explode when after a year— A long year of suffering a tormenting unrequited love in your arranged marriage, your husband finally declared his love for you.
"I love you too. I love you so much, Y/N."
He held you tighter in his arms, as if he was afraid that if he let go, you would vanish into thin air. A strangled sob escaped your throat and you turned around to look him in the eyes. You wanted to know if he was toying with your feelings, and you found love and affection in his eyes, that you wanted to see for so long.
"My mind is yours, if you don't trust my words."
He said, allowing you to use legilimency against him. It was something that you never thought he would allow you to do, but knowing that he let you, it meant that he trusted you will all of his heart. You could not help but explored his thoughts, and ended up crying when you realised that your husband loved you just as much as you loved him. In his mind, you could feel his apologies and his deep regrets for not appreciating you. Severus would curse himself forever for not showing you his love and for taking you for granted. You could see his true promises that he was willing to keep, which he wanted to change for you. He would change to be a better husband to make you stay as he could not live without you.
"And my heart is yours, Severus."
You smiled, a lone tear streamed down his face at your words. You kissed his tear away, caressing his face in your hands. After what he did to you, you were still so gentle and loving towards him that it hurt his heart to know that he almost lost you. You did not have to beg for footnotes in the story of his life, because he was making sure that you were going to be the best chapters of his life— the one that almost walked away because of his foolishness, but was willing to stay because of his love. You truly loved him, and he would do anything to mend your heart.
"My heart is yours, Y/N. I'm yours."
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I wanted to punch Severus so bad in the middle of writing this lol
This is the 40th chapter yeay!
12th January 2020