I can't promise you anything..
I don't want to..
'Cause promises tend to be broken..
-No Promises
- -
Win
"Why didn't you tell me?", my bestfriend asked me.
He was looking for me and insisted that we should meet since I didn't show up on their restaurant soft opening. I didn't think much of it, not until he came barging into my old dormitory room. I was taking the things that I have left behind before the new tenant moves in. The place was exclusive for university students only and I didn't fit the prerequisite anymore. I was required to vacate the space.
I've considered buying the land where the building stood so I could still stay there. I knew I was getting impulsive but I wanted to keep the room that held our memories. I wanted to be angry again. Fate was being sarcastic. They have already taken him away from me. Now, it wants to take away what I had left then it has decided to drop mementos on me.
"What's the use? It won't bring back what we used to be.", I shrugged at him as I placed a hand on the box Nong had left.
Dean sighed and sat on the couch, "I could have at least been there for you."
"You don't need to.", I told him as if it didn't really matter.
"I want to. Even if you don't. You're my friend. I want to by your side just like when you've been there for me.", he insisted.
I kept silent as I rapped my fingers on the box with contemplation. He was right. I was there for him whenever he went through a tough time. Specially, when he and Pharm had decided to take a rest from their relationship. Why shouldn't he be now for me?
"Do you still want him back after what he did?", he asked.
I didn't answer. We both know it already and we'll try to convince each other. I wasn't sure if I was ready for the conclusion on the possible discussion. I'd like to put it off as much as possible for the meantime.
"He left the things I gave him. I wonder what it means.", I drifted off with my thoughts.
He looked at the box as I opened it and took out the memorabilia. I laid them one by one on the bed. Remembering how we got it. Why I gave it. Where we went with it. What we did with it. They were fond and hateful memories. Part of me wanted to throw them away. But, I wouldn't have anything tangible anymore if I do. If I couldn't touch or lay my eyes on him once more, then these are the only things I would have left knowing that what we used to have was real. Were real.
"That he wants to forget.", Dean callously answered.
I gave him an acrid smile, "Was it that bad, that he wanted to forget?".
"It was that good that it was too painful to keep."
I wanted to curse the hulk of a man in front of me. Does he always have to be so blunt? If it was that desirable, then why was it left behind? If it was quite distressing, did he really have to pass it on to me?
"So, he has to shove it in my face that I meant a lot but he has to leave me?", my voice started to break as I took the paper inside the box that I knew I didn't give to him and began to unfold it.
"Why did you let him?", he started to humor me.
Because he wanted it. I thought it would make him happy. I always know that his happiness is mine. But, why do I feel empty inside? It's hard to find joy when the one who used to have brought it to you was already out of your life. Did we really have to go through this?
"Why did you let Nong Pharm go?", I wanted to know, maybe by then, I would know what to do.
He gave me a smug look and grabbed the paper to show me the note on the back, "Because I knew he'd come back to me.".
Khor thot na khap, Hia..
-N
Bastard. How could he just write it on a piece of paper and not apologize straight to my face? I almost crumpled the paper in my hands. Would I have forgiven him if he did? I didn't know. If I didn't end the video call, could he have said it? What would I have done by then?
"Would he come back to me?", I asked my bestfriend for reinforcement.
"There's nothing to go back to, Meung. He was already on his way to you.", he pointed at the paper.
I looked at the piece of paper again. I hoped for it. This was supposed to be the surprise that never happened. I got a different surprise instead. He decided to stray. I knew how to find him, but I wasn't ready on the state that I would be faced with. There's always that uncertainty of being unwanted. I didn't want to be disappointed. If I knew what to expect, then I can prepare for it. What exactly do I need to prepare for? Rejection.
"But, he didn't persist.", I told him.
I laid my hand on the pendant that Nong gave me as a birthday gift. I'm still wearing it. I hadn't had the strength to part with it yet. I twisted my fingers on it and contemplated if I should keep it or bury it inside the box he had left of us. Continuous. How could we continue from here?
Dean breathed in and tried to show patience, "He's stranded. Aren't you going to pick him up so you could go together?".
I wanted to grab on to his fantasy. I wasn't talking to my bestfriend. This isn't Dean. He would always knock some sense into me and I would always spurn his attempts. I would resist it until I couldn't ignore it anymore.
"What if it's just a piece of paper with a note?", I asked him.
"Are you afraid?"
I am. I was undecided. For the first time in my life, I didn't know what to choose. What to believe in. I thought I've always been decisive. Headstrong. But now, I am lost. I wanted to run out of the room and rush towards where he was. I wanted to give him a chance to make up for it. I wanted us to fix this if it still worth mending. But, I'm afraid that it wouldn't be what he wanted.
I twirled the piece of twig in my hand. I had been using it to draw circles on the sand as I revisited our conversation in my head. I had nothing left but memories. Thoughts that came sparingly during my resting hours. I didn't go after Nong. I've decided instead to be a draftee and start my training before I turn twenty six. That would give me time to think. It would give him time too.
I've thought about entering the monastery so I can receive good karma and merit. But that could only provide me three months at most. I needed more to bid. To think things through. I was afraid that if I liked being a monk too much, we would never be together for I would devout myself fully to Buddha.
Like serving in the army, we were required to become monks for a period of time. It was done in threes, but others only stay for a day or two. Those who came from affluent families usually stay for a day in the monastery and go back to their comfortable lives. I was one of them but I stayed more than that.
I ran my fingers over my growing hair and tried to remember how it felt to be bald. I closed my eyes as I imagined the soft prickles it left on my palms when the hairs started to grow back. I had to shave my eyebrows as well and laughed at the odd way I looked on the mirror. We need to experience monkhood before we become adults and others use it as an escape from conscription. Solitude in exchange of serving the country.
I can't say that I blame them for using religion. We all have our ulterior motive. Our own reasons. I have mine. And I had chosen differently again. Just as others had before me.
"Khway ngo! So, this is where you've decided to hide?", Manaow called me a stupid buffalo.
She was visiting Mew who had volunteered like me. He has decided to enter the service and put off his career as an athlete. He wanted to experience it even though he could have easily been exempted. Manaow came with Mook who was going steady with the other junior now and I was happy for them. She had finally decided to give the boy a chance.
It had been a month since we came into the camp and it was the first family visitation that had been approved. My family came to visit and I left them for a moment when Mew called me to join their little picnic. His family was unable to attend the gathering and sent his faen instead who apparently still had a contact with Manaow even though they weren't that close when they were still in the university.
The whole camping site looked like a picnic site with a lot of trainees sitting with their families on mats lined out beneath trees. They were eating and catching up with each other, together with their adopted trainees whose families were unfortunately missing out on the occasion.
"The last time I checked, no one was looking for me.", I told her as I sat beside Guan, another trainee that Mew had adopted.
His family were farmers and he was younger than us. After we finish our training, he would probably stay behind to continue as a soldier. I didn't ask why his family didn't visit since I knew already that they weren't very well off and only tilled the land which they didn't own to make a living. I felt bad for him, but there was no reason in letting him know. He already knew his fate which he was trying his best to embrace and make the most of. I just watched him as he happily talked to his family over Mew's phone that he had generously lent out to our comrade.
I instinctively felt my pocket for a ghost phone while I was seated on the sand. We weren't allowed to keep the device while we were training and I had left mine at home. Our generation was too attached to those devices and without it, we felt like we had lost a limb. Even if we try to cut ourselves from technology or take a rest from it, we couldn't deny that it had already became an essential.
My thoughts travelled to the ghost calls I've been receiving for the past few years. At first, I didn't mind them, but when they became constant, I became curious. I had the idea to contact Wave and ask him to trace the calls but lost interest in it at the same time. Then I had the notion that it could be Nong trying to summon his courage to talk to me since it started after we broke up. And if it is, how would we go about it?
I wasn't sure if Manaow had told Nong after she found out that I was serving in the army. I wonder if he ever thought where I was. If she did, then I hope that could have made him feel at ease. If not, was I even sure if he was looking for me?
Kit teung, Nong Team..
I wish I could tell him that. I wished that he felt the same. I don't know if he still does. If he ever did. I clasped my chest and felt the longing again in there. I tried to savor it together with the night air.
"Phi! I've been looking all over for you.", Mew suddenly trudged towards me.
I scratched my head and threw the twig away as I stood up. We've been camping near the beach for our training. It was one of the camps set up for the Thai Navy and we were assigned there for a week. I was trying to enjoy the night without being bothered but I guess it had ended.
"Are the seniors asking us to turn in now?", I asked him.
"Mai chai. They're watching the South Asian Games in the conference hall. I thought you might want to watch it since P'Pruk is competing. Team and Min are there too.", he invited me.
Upon hearing that, I tried not to dash towards the building to avoid Mew thinking that I got excited by hearing that Nong was on the competition. I could actually care less but I didn't want to wear my heart on my sleeve just as he did. Not anymore.
When we got there, the trainees and seniors were rowdy. The camaraderie was different. They were cheering for our candidates and seemed to have forgotten their ranks. I leaned against the wall near the projector since there wasn't any available seats. Some were just sitting on the floor and stared at the wall where the images flashed with the contestants.
"Don't you wish you were there?", I asked Mew when he joined me.
He shook his head and watched as the image of a well-built body of a dark haired boy came into view, "I'll join them anyway once our six months are up.".
He was right. We were only trainees for six months. It was the minimum. That was one of our privilege with the diplomas we had. If we were like Guan, we would have served two years in the army before we could be released or if we would prefer as he does, we could proceed in becoming full time soldiers.
The first two years is mostly focused on education, discipline and basic weapon handling. It was like going back to being a student except that some of us were doing this out of duty instead of considering it as a career. By the third year, it would focus on military techniques.
During our stay, we trained four hours a day at Khao Chon Kai Base in Kanchanaburi. We paid respect to the national flag each training day and sang the royal anthem at the end. We need to complete eighty hours of field training as one of the requirements to pass, aside from the written exam. Once we complete those, we would be considered as one of the Reserve Forces. The seniors used to douse us with a bucket of water whenever they caught us dozing off during the activity.
The place brought back memories when Nong and I had decided to quit playing around. I smiled at the recollection as I continued to watch him step up the plank with the other athletes. We both had made a promise and we broke it. I swore not to make another one. We were still young then and we didn't know any better.
I know it could lead to vagueness if there were no rules. But those can only serve as restraints. I prefer to make guidelines since they can be subjected for change. A disclaimer. I am a businessman after all. I can apply it in the future. Wasn't he the one that had made it clear when he gifted me the necklace?
I placed a hand on my chest, imagining the pendant that used to rest there. I should have considered it as a warning. I knew he was changing somewhere along our relationship but I failed to consider it. If we would try again, if I decide on giving ourselves one more chance – I would have to prepare for it. I want to be liable. I have to be accountable.
Only if you catch me if I fall..
I knew he was talking about his heart that night at Kanchanaburi. Dean had given me the idea that he was stranded somewhere along the path we were walking together. My only mistake was that I went ahead of him instead of walking beside him. Now he's lost. I think I should begin to backtrack to find him. If he has decided to walk his own path, I don't want to watch him the way I'm seeing him now. Afar. I want to walk by his side again.
I waited for him to look at the cameras that were focused on him during the competition. He had the habit to stare into it before he puts on his swimming goggles. It always made me feel that he was looking straight at me. Trying to reach out and telling me that he was waiting.
Just one look, Nong..
Just one and I'll take that as a sign. A sign for us to walk together again.
Please, Nong..
I was saying it like a prayer now. A prayer that never got answered. He didn't look at the cameras and I cursed myself for believing in such childish notions. I might have picked a flower somewhere and started to take the petals one by one with a stupid chant. Always leaving it to Fate. Destiny. I'm such a foolish human.
I straightened myself and started to walk away. I heard Mew call out to me but I just signaled him to continue watching the match. I had lost my spirits already. I've decided to go back to the barracks and sleep the night off. We still have training to do and the seniors won't excuse us for staying late by watching the competition.
I laid down on my bunk bed and listened to the distant cheering. When everything went silent and all I could hear were the waves crashing by the shore, I started to close my eyes. I was unsure again on what I should do next. Maybe I'll focus on our family business and my resort to keep my mind clear from Nong. I was experiencing another setback.
I heard the other trainees come in and settle noisily on their beds. They were talking about the results of the broadcast. Nong didn't get the gold medal and he wasn't happy about it. I wonder if he's keeping himself warm in Pakistan. It's cold there right now at this time of the year. A few flakes of snow would be falling near the mountains. I was sure about it.
I can only imagine him curling on his hotel bed by now. The competition wasn't a live broadcast, so it should be night time on his end too. Is he covered with a comforter right now? Would he content himself with it while I wasn't there to lend my warmth for him? I hoped he would. I wish he could wait for me to join him under those covers.