When she saw the tents already set up, she knew she was in the right place. She'd never been the type of person who liked big parties, being far too shy and introverted, but a small gathering on her birthday seemed cool, even if Ally wasn't there.
I'm hanging out with her next weekend no matter what.
It was only sunset, but her eyelids already felt heavy. She had reached the point of fatigue from the constant work and migraines that she felt physically ill. It was impossible to hide the bags which seemed to grow more prominent by the day with makeup, even though she'd tried.
A day of fun and then seeing Ally soon would get her through it.
At least so she thought for a moment, until she remembered all the calculus homework she'd have to do before Monday.
Don't worry about that now... Just enjoy being out of the house tonight...
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The evening sky was ablaze with smoldering Merigold as she neared the campground. It wasn't too far out of the way, just a few miles north of the hiking trail across from the school. They weren't really in the woods; it was more like they were adjacent to them. As she parked by the others and got out of the car it still felt good to be out in the early autumn air. Away from screens and textbooks. Away from everything.
Sarah waved to her by the campfire and Amber waved back and then started unpacking her things from the car.
__
Her tent was a bit smaller than the others, but she was still having some trouble setting it up, until Leon ran over and helped her. She gave him a friendly smile and thanked him once the job was done.
"Of course," he responded eagerly. "We're about to light the campfire, you should come over!"
"Right. I'll be over as soon as I get my bag."
Leon ran over to her car like an Olympic track star and held it up in front of her before she could blink twice.
"Thanks, Leon," she laughed.
He clearly wanted to walk with her, he just stood there, waiting, as he seemed to often do.
"Just gimme one sec to bring this in," she said with a polite look.
Leon nodded, but didn't move.
Oookay I guess he's just gonna go ahead and wait. Cool...
Amber brought her bag inside and set it on the floor of the tent. She only took one thing out, a copy of Aldous Huxley's 'Brave New World,' the book she'd selected for the month before stepping outside and following her doting fan.
__
The fire had already been started by the time Amber got back with Leon, and to her surprise, beers were being handed out.
Leon ran to the cooler and got one for himself, and one for Amber and tossed it to her. She caught it but handled the glass bottle awkwardly like she'd never held one before.
"Come and sit with us and have a drink!" he urged, and the others agreed.
Sarah eyed her curiously. "Is that a book?"
Uhh yeah. It's literature club still isn't it?
Her cheeks burned red, feeling everyone looking at her like she was from another planet. She averted her eyes and thought about turning around and driving home.
"Here sit with me!" offered Sarah, feeling almost like she had to rescue her.
Amber appreciated the gesture, dropped the book, and took a seat. Leon opened the bottle for her with an opener and urged her to drink it.
"Come on! Give it a try! If you don't like that one we have plenty others."
I'm guessing tea isn't an option...
She brought it towards her mouth, but the smell alone made her wanna pass out like some drunk. She winced noticeably at first but then nervously chuckled like she was just kidding when she got the strange looks again. They had clearly all been drinking for a very long time and the only alcohol she'd ever tasted was in mouthwash.
"Drink it! Drink it!" they all began to chant. "Come on it's your birthday!"
She hated being the center of attention.
To them it was just a game, they couldn't sense her reservations about it. She really didn't want to do it, even though her heart was fluttering from the pressure, and she knew drinking some would appease them. It was hard to believe book nerds were such party animals. They sang happy birthday to her, and she finally smiled and shrugged.
Fuck it.
She tentatively put the bottle to her lips and very slowly sipped before taking one big swig.
Aaaand I wanna throw up.
It was probably the worst thing she'd ever tasted in her entire life. It didn't taste like something that was meant to be consumed by humans, there was a certain unnatural... something, that made her wanna throw up. The others cheered, and some moved onto their second and third beers. Some had cans, some had bottles.
Maybe I should try to finish it just to say I did...
She took one more very slow sip, blanching from the overpowering smell she thought might give her a migraine. Something in her mind told her to stop and she did, only getting about halfway through the bottle.
Words like woozy entered her mind to describe how she felt, and she was sure stress was adding to it. She wanted to get the taste out of her mouth but couldn't think of a way. She looked over at Leon who had two empty cans by him and saw he was lighting a cigarette.
"I have an idea," Sarah said with a smile, placing an empty bottle in front of her. "Spin the bottle!"
A few groaned and said it was a dumb kid's game, but most seemed into the idea.
Amber wasn't one of them, she stared at Sarah with widened eyes, like she wanted to try and transmit a secret message telepathically.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck... If I say I can't play they'll wonder why, if I play, I'll...
"I have to pee!" she blurted out a little louder than expected.
Sarah nodded and pointed to the tree line, "there's porta-potties on the other side of the trees. It's not too far."
"Thank you!" Amber rose like a frightened mouse, but composed herself quickly upon standing, not wanting to show fear, not wanting to make it seem like she was running away.
Leon opened another beer and watched her go. Grinning.
__
She emerged on the other side of the path through the trees and saw what Sarah had directed her to and entered but only thought as she stood in the heavily tagged stall. Breathing through her mouth to try and endure the rancid stench.
Maybe I can sneak around back to my tent and get the hell out...
A million different plans raced through her head until one finally stuck.
I'll say I threw up! Nobody will wanna kiss me then!
She exited the portable stall and shuffled back towards camp. It wouldn't really even be a lie anyway as she really did feel like throwing up.
__
She squeezed her eyes nearly shut and held her stomach as she converged on the camp. Leon didn't pick up on the signals and instead rushed to her offering her another beer.
"Come on! Have a little more, you'll enjoy things more a little buzzed."
Sarah held up a freshly emptied bottle after downing the rest, "yeah it's your turn to spin the bottle!"
"I can't, I think I might be sick. Threw up before I even got to the bathroom."
Everyone momentarily turned to Michael and Eva, a curly haired boy and a dark-haired girl. Their make out session ended but based on the way they were laughing it seemed like it was going to continue inside one of the tents.
Fucking hell...
Amber hunched forward holding her stomach. "Sorry guys, I don't think I can continue."
"After half a beer?" Sarah wondered. "Have you ever drank before?"
Amber brought her hand to her mouth and belched into it like she was going to vomit again and rushed off towards her tent.
Sarah rose.
"I better go check on her."
Leon, who had pulled on the hood of his hoodie, waved her off. "Nah, don't worry about it. I'll go."
Sarah sat back down and spun the bottle herself. Nobody else was playing anymore, they'd either paired off or fallen asleep.
__
While packing her things to leave as fast as she could she coughed and groaned loudly to try and make it sound convincing. She felt horrible. Embarrassed, and a little weird from the lingering taste of the alcohol. She just wanted to go home and sleep.
Just have to get the tent down. I'm sure they'll understand I didn't feel well...
With her back turned to the entrance Leon poked his head in. "You alright?"
She jumped at the sound of his voice, but turned around and offered a small smile. "Yeah, I think I just need to get home."
Leon looked around the tent, he seemed to sniff the air. "You didn't really puke, did you?"
Amber raised an eyebrow. "Uh... What do you mean? Why would you say that?"
There was something different about him. She knew he'd been the heaviest drinker since they got there but he wasn't even smiling. His straight face was a bit unnerving. She had to look away.
Fuck it I'm just gonna leave the tent here.
She tried to step out while telling him she'd see him in club, but Leon blocked her exit and didn't budge. "It's okay... You just need to relax more. Come on back to the party."
She tried to walk past him but he stepped into her, pushing her backwards.
What the fuck?
She tried to get by again but he grabbed her and held her there by her shoulders, staring right into her eyes with his unfeeling ones. She tried to squirm free but couldn't overpower him.
"From the moment I saw you I haven't been able to get you out of my head."
"Help!" she yelled still trying to break free.
He covered her mouth and kept going, "your eyes are like nothing I've ever seen before..."
He took in the sight of her body and snaked a hand down to her breasts and cupped one. "Your body, is... straight the fuck out of heaven."
His other hand aggressively found the back of her head and he forcefully pushed her lips into his. She screamed and cried against his mouth, and suddenly Leon recoiled swearing, and holding his lip. Blood began to trickle from the point where she'd bitten him.
"You bitch!"
She took the moment while he was stunned to make her escape.
__
She ran the entire way to her car without stopping, snapping twigs, and making animals scatter around her. Tears fell to the ground around her the whole way. The dull ache in her stomach had become an almost unbearable pain and she coughed, making her already dry throat burn.
At her car she threw her bag into the backseat and slammed the door shut before opening the driver's seat door. She stopped for Sarah.
"Amber! What happened?"
Her voice sounded hoarse as she shook her head and looked at her, with one foot in the driver's seat. The tears were still forming and falling.
"I can't do this!"
"What did you think this trip was about? Did you think we'd come all the way out here to talk about books?"
She whined and brought a hand to her eyes and gritted her teeth. "I'm sorry! I just can't! This isn't me! I'm not like this!"
"Amber I..." the girl moved towards her, but Amber got in the car and drove off as fast as she could.
Sarah stood there a while longer with a face that was hard to read, watching the dust storm plume as Amber drove down the path. When she got back to camp, she saw Leon stumbling around the tent Amber had left behind.
"You're a real dick, you know that?!" she chided, smacking his chest.
__
When she got on the main road again, she was sobbing to the point it was dangerous to drive so she pulled over.
Leaning forward against the wheel she cried until black streaks of eyeliner formed trails down her cheeks. She whined and wept and sniffled and when she saw herself in the rear view mirror she flipped it up with disdain.
I'm such a fucking freak! Fuck!
She pounded on the steering wheel, screaming through gritted teeth.
Fuck school! Fuck my parents! Fuck everyone!!!
All the stress, all the frustrations, every single feeling she'd been keeping bottled up throughout the first part of the year came out. She punched the steering wheel, she gripped the sides and thrashed back and forth before falling against the headrest breathing like a wild animal.
She longed for Ally. In the entire world she was truly the one person she felt good around. The only place she fit in was with her. She'd always made her feel like just being herself was enough. She didn't have to strive to be anyone else. She didn't have to drive herself crazy to please her like her parents.
I love her so fucking much.
She took out her phone and called her, breaking down again when it went to voicemail but left a message.
"I'm sorry I'm crying, but I just really need to be with you tonight. Please call me back."
She dropped the phone in her lap and brought her hands to her face and cried into them until there weren't any tears left.