I stared at the wall of the Hospital.
Annie had came out of surgery twenty minutes ago and Holbrook had left momentarily to speak to the doctor on Annie’s condition. My hand was bandaged and Holbrook managed to get himself stitched up in the ambulance. Thankfully, the bullet had only scraped him.
Annie wasn’t that lucky.
But she would live.
Unlike other people.
I doubled over as the tears began to pump out faster. The chair that I sat in was placed beside the hospital bed that contained Annie. I scrunched my face in my hands and sobbed over and over again.
After a while, I could hear movement from the bed but I didn’t bother.
I couldn’t bother anymore.
“Alice?” The voice said silently.
I got up abruptly and moved to the other side of the room. I picked up the jug of water and moved towards Annie, keeping my head down but unable to keep my hands from trembling.
Holbrook would want me to take care of Annie.
It would be selfish of me to just sit in a corner and weep.
I poured the liquid into a cup but barely any of it got in.
Annie grabbed my hand and held it. “Stop. “
I shook my head from side to side
Side to side
Side to side
Side to side
I think I’ve gone insane.
Or maybe I’ve finally just gone sane.
“Oh god. Annie I am sorry,” I tell her. I don’t know which part I am sorry for.
I am sorry for everything.
I am sorry that I asked you to take Wesley home.
I am sorry that he shot you.
I am sorry that I wasn’t there to love him.
I am sorry that he died.
I am sorry.
I give up on pouring the drink and walk back to my seat and face away from her.
I am so selfish.
I am so selfish enough to pretend that my lover’s sister isn’t in a hospital bed so I can worry heavily on the fact that someone I love is dead and these tears won’t ever stop.
“You loved Wesley a lot,” Annie says. I can feel her concerned eyes on me.
She must’ve heard my screams during the night.
She must’ve heard my agonizing screams and gasps and unstoppable wheezing and Holbrook’s hushed voices as he saw me completely break into two and I wonder if he ever thought that someone just as broken and me could fall apart even more.
Who knows? Maybe I’m falling together this time.
Falling apart.
Falling together.
All I know is that I am falling.
“I loved him so much, Annie,” I say back, breathlessly. I glance at her slightly. She looks like hell but she looks like she’ll survive it.
She’s a fighter.
But that means nothing.
Some fighters survive and some die and you can try as hard as you want but sometimes you won’t ever win and that is just how the world works.
I don’t understand how the world works.
“I tried to stop him, you know,” Annie said, tears pooling in her eyes. “ Tried to stop him from killing himself. He weeped about you when he was trying to kill me. He couldn’t kill me because he loved you too much. I don’t think he has ever not killed someone he wanted to. I know he wanted to kill Holbrook but he knew how much that would hurt you. I think he thought it would be better if he settled for me instead. So he could hurt Gabe. But he couldn’t do it. I think it just became too much for him so he shot me in the leg and then he turned knife into himself.
I don’t know Wesley the way you did. He wasn’t the best person, but he was worth something, Alice. He was a kind of beautiful illustration of a person.”
My eyes are blurring ten times over.
I’ll never let you hurt him. At least not anymore. I will always stand by him and I will be the family he deserves. I will make myself worthy of him.
I had said those words to Ezra about Wesley.
I nodded again and again, unable to see.
There was a hole in my heart.
I should’ve been there.
You can’t protect someone who is dead. I can’t make myself worthy of someone who is dead.
“Alice, I don’t like seeing you like this. I don’t like seeing you in so much pain,” Annie mumbles.
I laugh a dry laugh.
“A few weeks a go you wouldn’t have given a damn if I was shot in the head,” I snarl back. I don’t mean to but my eyes have blinded me and I am losing all my senses.
Annie flinches and I apologies immediately. She accepts but she is still looking at me with those broken eyes.
Broken eyes.
Those broken eyes that have gone through so much and I am sure have killed and tortured people.
We are not good people. I am not a good person. I know that.
But I also know that this world doesn’t deliver justice the way everyone hopes it would. Murderers live and good men die and here we are escaping justice for now.
Only Wesley didn’t. Justice was thrown upon him.
And here I stay with all the deeds I have ever done.
I’ve hurt and tortured people.
Long before Alison.
Long before I knew what I was doing.
Wesley was a bad person.
He knew that.
I am a bad person.
I know that.
I’ve killed and tortured and destroyed people and that is not okay. That will never be okay but I can procrastinate my awareness of who I am.
It does not bother me that I have done those things.
It should. But It doesn’t.
I am supposed to be that murderer behind bars, that girl who sliced her wrists and the ending to Romeo and Juliet.
I am not my grandmother’s daughter but then again I am.
I am the old woman who sat and watched a little kid drown in a frozen lake.
I know I have a heart.
I was never heartless.
I’m just selective in what it should care for.
And I’m not sure what I am supposed to do with this information.
I know I would like to take a second chance at a better life.
But I also know how hard it will be for me to.
I would’ve given Wesley that chance.
The beautiful boy with a gun.
There is a quote:
“ What is more deadly? A gun or a thought? A gun gives you an opportunity but the thought pulls the trigger. “
I wanted to know his thoughts.
What made him pull each trigger in his life?
What made him pull nothing on me?
What made him wrap his arms around me at night and hold me to him?
I can’t stop the tears.
Can someone please stop these tears? Please.
And every time I close my eyes all I see is Wesley’s face when he realized that his visitor at the prison was not his family but me.
And every time I close my eyes all I see is Wesley’s face when he told me that he should have left him behind.
And every time I close my eyes all I see is all Wesley’s kisses and hugs and breaths and the way he pulled me up onto the roof and hid underneath a chair and kissed me everyday.
And every time I open my eyes all I see is Wesley dead.
---
AUTHORS NOTE: This is just part 1 of the last chapter in this book series! I haven't finished the chapter but I thought you all deserved an update anyway!
Sorry for not updating in a while! I went to America and was lucky enough to see the WHOLE PLL SET! It was super amazing!
*if you see this comment: comment down below your fancast for this book! Just anyone who you think will fit any of the characters in the book. It doesn't even have to be the cast from the show or the one that I have listed! Have fun! I'm excited to see who you imagine as these characters!
LOVE YOU ALL
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