Listen to the Water | FULL SERIES | Wattys 2022 Shortlist | ✔

(14) Not Like This

No sharks show their teeth that night, but I don't realize how high-strung the surface makes me until we return to the deep. Seiko falls asleep on my back on the way down. I hold them there through the song circle, then pass them off to a tribe Kel who comes to retrieve them when I make it clear I won't be joining the sleeping network. Taiki isn't back yet. Nobody seems worried about this, so I tell myself it is his problem, and settle down to sleep.

He's still gone when I wake up. My brain is now trying to pretend this bothers me, so I tell it to shut up and am spared by the thunk of a small child colliding with my back. This is my life now, isn't it. I swing the wriggling creature around upside down, drawing a squeal that hits my tail like a fly's buzz. It's Ren. All these kids are as slippery as oiled fish, and she is no exception. A sudden blast of the jets at her hips launches her out of my grip—straight upwards, and upside down. I have yet to figure out how to wrangle children in a world where the ground's pull doesn't apply. Ren jets back and lands herself on my lap before I can escape her. She points to her head.

I should have guessed this would happen when I braided Seiko's hair. My brain is now trying to pretend it will miss these kids when I go back to Telu. I tell it to shut up again.

Taiki's return gives me a wash of relief that I don't like at all, followed by a rush of heat to my face as Satomi catches my eye while looking for someone else. I've finished with Ren's hair, so I point her in the direction of her friends. She jets off. I would rather stay with people than without them, but I need to get out of here until my head is on straight again. I escape the tribe's core and manage to dodge all the Risi-singers on my way through the shoals. I stop on the glowing clouds' outward side. I don't want to venture too far into the empty water and find myself with no way to get back, so this seems like a reasonable compromise.

I let my muscles unwind as I slump down. Solitude lifts more than the burden of pretending from my back. I don't think I've actually stopped to process what's going on since I first met these Kels. I already miss the bustle and life of a crowd around me, but I can't shake the feeling that there's something very wrong with the tribe. Being with them comforts one part of me, but leaves several others empty or ill at ease. I still can't pin down why.

I can handle it, can't I? I've handled lots of things. I can survive. I hug my tail and repeat it over and over. I can't break down. Not here.

None of the Kels stand guard around us when we're in the deep. I don't feel safe putting my head down, so I rest my chin on my not-knees and watch the water. My tail keeps me upright with small, subconscious flicks.

The grief hits me all at once. I've lost my legs to a tail. Will I ever dance again?

My eyes sting. I'm a Luasa. A Kel. I'm trapped in the wrong form, the wrong place, and it's not going to end for at least another three moons, if it ends at all. I've lost my island and my family, and my future is such a wide open question, I'm scared of what it will or won't contain. I'm pretending to be strong because I've always been the strong one, but I'm not. Shouldn't I be allowed to feel that?

I let go of my tail and hug myself as I'm struck by an overwhelming urge to scratch off my scales. To stab this tail with my dagger, again and again, until it turns back to my proper form. I shudder violently. Smaller shivers wrack my body like aftershocks as I rock back and forth in the water, trying to fix my gaze on the tiny lights in the darkness and think of anything but swimming as hard as I can back towards Telu. How am I supposed to handle this for three whole moons?

The water behind me shifts, and my body tenses as Taiki ventures from the shoals. He doesn't invade my personal space this time, but that's probably just because he approached on the same side as my dagger hand. I don't want to talk. Not that that'll stop him; people always pry until I make it clear that I'm not friendly. I don't have the energy for that right now. I brace to leave, but Taiki just settles down to watch the water.