Not This Time

Jon: October 9, 2006

     I couldn't believe my eyes. David, Richie, and Tico were all still talking, so I could only assume that they hadn't seen her, but I couldn't tear my eyes away. No doubt, if I did, she would just disappear again. The woman at the bar was facing away from me, but I knew, just like I had two years ago, that it was Nina. I felt around my pockets for my wallet, still not wanting to risk looking away.
     When I found it, I took a quick glance down to thumb through it. I looked up every few seconds just to make sure she didn't vanish as I searched. Finally, I pulled out the photo of Nina and me from 1986. The one photo I had of her. The original had been stuck in that book she left for me almost as long as she'd been gone. I'd only taken it out a couple times since. Dotty had gotten a wallet-size copy made for me as a birthday gift last year. Boy, what a fight that had been, but for some reason it wound up in my wallet anyway.
     The corner of my mouth tugged upward involuntarily at the photo. We were babies. I had so much hair back then. That photo felt unreal, like it was a photo of someone else. Another young man with his arms wrapped around a beautiful young woman, their smiles genuine and happy. I remembered singing that duet with her, if for no other reason than I'd reread it a few times in that crazy book of hers. I'm pretty sure I still had the '45 from that session hiding out somewhere in my basement, forgotten. With a sigh, I put the photo away and returned my wallet to my pocket.
     When I looked up again, Nina was looking around, wine glass in hand. I could see her face clearly now as she scanned the room in my general direction. She had a full face of makeup on, but it was definitely her. She looked stunning. She hardly looked any older now than she did in the photo. If she was sixteen the last time I saw her in 2004, that would make her eighteen now, but she looked older than that. Just not as much older as I was. She looked exactly like I remembered her being back in 1987, when she was twenty four and I was twenty five.
     Nina turned away from me again when another woman in a gold dress joined her at the bar. The other woman looked vaguely familiar too, but I didn't bother trying to place her. I was more interested in what Nina's next move would be. Maybe I would be able to talk to her this time. I bit my lip, trying to figure out what I might say to her if I did get the chance.
     "Hey," I mumbled under my breath, "Been a while. How've you been?"
     I closed my eyes and shook my head. I couldn't believe I was even thinking that. The woman at the bar was the Nina I remembered. Seeing her there, looking like that, made me miss her. All those years I thought I'd gotten over it, but as I watched her from across the room, it felt like I'd just been pushing it all down. I had so many questions for her, so many things I wanted to say.
     I let my gaze fall to my hands as I absently twisted my wedding ring around on my finger. What would happen if I spoke to her? Would she even have anything to say to me? Why did I even have anything to say to her? She left! I had the most spectacular wife in the whole world and four beautiful children. Nothing Nina could say was going to change that, so what was there to be anxious about? I blinked and looked up again.
     The other woman motioned toward the door and Nina nodded, but she pointed to her wine glass too. I watched her friend say something, leave some money for the bartender, and then walk away from her again. Nina didn't even make a move to get up from her stool. She simply picked up her glass and took another sip. She didn't have much left in the glass before she was done with it. If I was going to talk to her, I was going to have to do it pretty quick.
     But what do I say?
     Aside from Dotty and the band, I hadn't spoken to anyone else about her since I told my parents she was gone. I still had no idea if the media ever knew that our relationship happened. When she left, I was still convinced that she'd been kidnapped and I didn't know if it was in relation to me or what the issue was. As the years passed, that suspicion began to fade, but I still kept the secret. It had become more personal. I'd realized that I didn't want to share that part of my life, I wanted to keep my memories of her all to myself. I got the memories, the world got the songs.
     Nina picked up her purse from the bar top and pulled out a cell phone. Holding it up to her ear, she looked over her shoulder toward the door. I rose from my seat at the same time that she hopped off her bar stool. She lowered the phone again and looked at something on the screen. Then she stepped away from the bar, leaving behind an empty wine glass.
     I took a quick glance at my band. They didn't even seem to notice I'd moved. They were too involved in whatever they were talking about. That was my chance. I could intercept Nina before she got to the door and maybe I could talk to her. Maybe she'd explain what happened back in 1987. Maybe she wouldn't. All I could do was hope. I just had to get to her before she slipped away again.
     Nina was still looking at her phone screen when I came around the wall that separated us. She smiled a little at something and then looked down to put the phone in her purse. She was still pawing through it as she approached with small, slow steps. I stepped into her path, planning to stop her, but she didn't stop. She ran right into me.
     "Oh excuse me," she muttered as she looked up. Her expression changed when she saw me. Her eyes grew wide and she opened her mouth as if to speak again, but no words came. She looked shocked, confused, and hurt all at once. Like she was trying to remember my name. Like she had seen a ghost. I didn't understand why she was looking at me that way.
     I started to say something, but I couldn't get any words out either. All that came out was an awkward stutter as I shook my head. I wanted to say something, anything, to her, but no words were coming.
     As we stood there staring at each other, I realized how exactly the same she actually looked. Her hair was done differently and she had on more makeup than usual, but otherwise she looked like she'd just walked out of that hotel room in Japan back in '87. It was almost as unsettling as seeing her as a teenager only two years ago. Something was just not right.
     Those beautiful blue eyes of hers searched my face for answers that I couldn't give her. She looked both divine and distressed in the same breath and I didn't know what to do or how to help. She almost looked like she wanted to speak, but even if she had found the words, she didn't get a chance.
     "Oh hunny, come on!" came another woman's voice, presumably her friend in the gold dress.
     Neither Nina nor I looked away from each other. It took Nina's friend grabbing her arm and pulling her past me to break our gaze. I stared at the empty space she'd left in front of me. Why didn't she look any older? And what was that pain in her eyes? Did she not remember me? Why didn't I say anything?
     When I turned to look, Nina had disappeared into the crowd. I searched the room frantically. I couldn't believe I'd let her get away again without so much as an awkward hello. I stepped back out of the walkway, still hoping to get one more glimpse of her.
     She was stepping up to the door when I spotted her. Her friend went on out, but she paused. Holding the door open, she stared at the floor for a good long minute before looking back up to scan the room again, like she was looking for someone. She looked so troubled. I willed myself to move, to go after her, but I couldn't. Just like in 2004, I felt like I was nailed to the ground. After a minute or so, her gaze fell again and she pulled the door open a little more so that she could walk through it.
     And just like that, she was gone.