Not This Time

Nina: January 30, 2012

     "I'll keep us together, whatever it takes," I sang along with my headphones as I unlocked my apartment door and stepped in, "Bah bah babah, bah bah babah bah." It had been a full morning. Birthday breakfast with Penny before my session with Dr. Mariana. We had been listening to some of my old favorites during my session, and I'd just kept going. I'd almost started singing aloud on the subway home. The lyrics of Matchbox Twenty's Unwell almost got a little too real.
     With a sigh, I dropped my purse onto the couch. I was about to turn off my iPod when the next song started playing and I just couldn't. I loved that song and something about the guitar was willing me to sing it, too.
     "A hundred days have made me older, since the last time that I saw your pretty face," I sang along on my way over to my keyboard. I sat down and started playing the chords along with the music in my headphones, improvising where I could, as I continued singing. "A thousand lies have made me colder and I don't think I can look at this the same."
     My fingers hit all the right keys to play all the right notes. I had been practicing piano a lot more recently now that I had record reps listening to demos. I'd gotten a lot better at both piano and guitar, but the keys would always be my best. That was the first time I'd played that song before, though, so I was a little surprised at how well my ear and muscle memory had developed.
     "And all the miles that separate," I crooned, "disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face. I'm here without you baby, but you're still on my lonely mind. I think about you, baby, and I dream about you all the time. I'm here without you, baby, but you're still with me in my dreams. And tonight, it's only you and me, yeah."
     The piano part I was playing didn't actually exist in the song. I had to make it up from the guitar as I went. Something about it felt right, though. The piano went really well with the violins in the back of the song, and even though I was still inexplicably sad, I felt a little more like myself. Playing music always did that for me.
     "The miles just keep rolling as the people leave their way to say hello. I've heard this life is overrated but I hope that it gets better as we go. Oh yeah, yeah." I closed my eyes and sang louder as we went into the chorus. "I'm here without you, baby, but you're still on my lonely mind! I think about you, baby, and I dream about you all the time! I'm here without you baby, but you're still with me in my dreams. And tonight, it's you and me!"
     I pulled my hands away from the keys, eyes still closed and getting more into the song. "Everything I know and anywhere I go, it gets hard but it won't take away my love." I ran my hands through my hair as I stood and turned to look out my oversized windows at the gray winter afternoon of New York. Something about the sludge in the street and the old powder on some of the rooftops struck a nostalgic chord and I felt sad all over again. I leaned on the window, staring out at the city and the Hudson beyond as I sang, "And when the last one falls and when it's all said and done, it gets hard but it won't take...away...my love. Whoa-oh woah-oh waoooooooh, oh-ooooh, oh-oooooh."
     A tear slipped down my face. I reached up and wiped it away, pulling my hand back to look at the tears on my fingers. I couldn't understand why they were there. Just like the ones on my face when I woke up. I missed someone, but I didn't know who. Something inside me was saying it was a someone rather than a something. I closed my hand gently and looked back out over New York as the song went on, and I sang, without thinking, to whomever it was.
     "I'm here without you baby, but you're still on my lonely mind! I think about you, baby, and I dream about you all the time! I'm here without you, baby, but you're still with me in my dreams!" One hand flat against the window next to where I leaned my head on the glass and the other balled into a fist as if I might drum the window, I felt another tear escape down my cheek. "And tonight, it's only you and me! Yeah! Oh, yeah!"
     I sang the final notes with the vocalist in my headphones as I turned away from the window. When I looked up, Matt and Emma were standing next to my couch. I jumped a little and instinctively brought my hand up to wipe away that stray tear. Emma had her arms crossed and smiled sadly at me. Matt pulled his hands out of his pockets and stepped toward me as I yanked my headphones out of my ears.
     "You have got to stop sneaking up on me like that," I scolded, pretending for a second like I hadn't just been singing like an angsty teenager to myself. I frowned a little at him and then snapped, "How long were you two standing there?"
     "Pretty much since you stopped playing piano," Matt answered unapologetically. I could feel my face burning. Oh God, that was embarrassing. I grimaced at myself and tossed my iPod onto my desk where all my song ideas and attempts were scattered.
     Emma stepped forward too. "For a second, we thought you were singing one of yours," she explained, "Then we saw the headphones."
     "You should have said something!" I scoffed, still super embarrassed, "I--"
     "Are you okay?" Emma interrupted.
     For some reason, the question caught me off guard. I mean, sure, I was going to a therapist at least once a week and writing poems like a middle school kid, but it felt like I hadn't been asked that question in a very long time. I paused and stared for a second. Then I shrugged.
     "Uh, as okay as I have been for the last six months, I guess," I replied, "Why do you ask?"
     Matt motioned to my desk. Whether he meant the songs or my iPod, I couldn't tell. "You're listening to depressing songs like that, can you blame her?" Ah, the iPod.
     I gaped at him and narrowed my eyes. "Three Doors Down is an awesome band, I will have you know!" I protested, "You should look them up sometime." I waved my hands back and forth, shooing them out of my way as I shuffled around my desk and out of my music corner. "So what are you two here for?"
     "It's your birthday!" Emma cheered. She held her arms out to either side as she followed me toward my kitchen. "We had to come see you!"
     "She wants to take you on a girls day," Matt said, "In the Triple T. She thinks it will cheer you up."
     I stopped just inside my kitchen and turned back to face them. "Oh," I sighed, "Oh no. Why would you think that?"
     "I tried to tell her."
     "Oh come on!" Emma argued, "Who doesn't love a good spa day? I can take you to a spa in my time and we can get all dressed up and go dancing!"
     I closed my eyes instead of rolling them. "You sound like Penny," I groaned. I didn't want to do that today. I kind of just wanted to stay in and watch movies or binge watch some horrible, campy show while littering my living room floor with Kit Kat wrappers.
     When I opened my eyes, though, I knew from the look on Emma's face that it wasn't going to happen that way. Matt laughed when he saw the resignation come across my face. With another sigh, I shrugged and waved her over toward where the Triple T was undoubtedly parked. I was too nice.
     Emma clapped and jumped up and down before prancing after me. Matt followed along too, no doubt with an amused smirk on his face. I glanced at the clock on my nightstand as I crossed into my bathroom. 12:19pm. Emma followed my gaze and promised me that she knew this adorable little spot to go for lunch.
     "Sure," I relented.
     "Good! Cause I've already got a reservation at the spa," Emma beamed. I shrugged and just like that, Matt handed Emma the key to his time machine and we were on our way to God only knew what.